There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
We're all capable of making excuses, covering up, and even lying about our behavior. It happens for reasons that are both big and small. For some, however, it can seem to be a regular occurrence. And when the lying and covering up is about really bad, hurtful choices that have been made this response in particular can destroy a relationship. So when we have a partner cheating and doing this, especially if it’s happened more than once, it's easy to wonder . . . do all men cheat and lie?
The answer is, no, not all men cheat and lie, nor is it just men who cheat. Women cheat, too. In fact, most men and women who cheat are not the stereotypical despicable, selfish, low-life jerks commonly portrayed in the media. Most people who cheat are just like you and me -- pretty good people who make a bad choice. So in dealing with men who cheat and lie, it can be very helpful to better understand why men cheat.
Let's take a look at the following post I wrote on social media about making excuses for cheating.
I work with couples dealing with cheating quite a bit. Although every circumstance is somewhat different, there are many commonalities. Here's a not so uncommon story about a partner cheating and how it can happen. See if you think this guy fits the belief that all men cheat and lie.
Rico and Elise have a rocky, contentious relationship. They can describe times when they really enjoy being together, and then other times when they can't stand each other and think about getting divorced. A regular part of their relationship is fighting. Since Rico travels a lot for work, when they fight it can be pretty easy for them to avoid each other for days afterward.
Recently they were fighting over something to do with Rico's involvement with his first wife (they have child and financial connections still). This fight happened to begin on a day he was leaving town, so the fight continued in the car on the way to the airport. When Elise dropped him off at the airport, there was no kiss good-bye, no “"I'll talk to you tonight," just silence as they both looked forward to the relief of getting away from each other.
On the trip Rico met someone in a hotel bar. She was someone else traveling for work, unhappy in her relationship, feeling lonely and looking for some positive attention too, and they hit it off. One thing led to another and they ended up sleeping together.
Did Rico set out on his trip looking to cheat on and then lie to Elise? No. Did it happen and is he still responsible for his behavior? Yes.
Rico didn't do a very good job covering his tracks and Elise discovered text messages from the other woman within two weeks. When she confronted him, he denied it, lied about who she was and what had happened, but after a week of this he eventually admitted he'd cheated. But in between his denial and admission was a long series of lies and excuses.
Rico and Elise were already having problems. Their communication was poor and they had grown apart. Although not an excuse, for these reasons it was easier for Rico to make a very bad choice. That choice and the way he handled disclosing it (or not disclosing it) has put Rico and Elise’s marriage on the verge of divorce. So, in an effort to see if they could salvage their relationship, they chose to try counseling.
Elise asked me in a marriage counseling session the next week, why would Rico lie, and do all men cheat and lie? I told her that unfortunately almost everyone lies about cheating at first.
None of us wants to admit we did something wrong or bad, so it's a natural self-protection response for us all to have our first response not be truthful. As I wrote in the social media post above, "Our minds can rationalize and justify anything. So it's not surprising that I hear men (and women) give lots of excuses for cheating . . . You don't love me . . . we never have sex . . . you hurt me . . . you don't respect me . . . I feel alone." For Rico it was, "I thought we were finished and getting a divorce."
But none of these reasons, or excuses, gives us permission to cheat. Do all men cheat and lie? No, not all men cheat, but those who do will almost always lie about it at first. Many actually question if they should ever tell their wives they cheated at all. Unfortunately, the longer the lie goes on the easier it is to fool yourself into thinking your cheating didn’t hurt anyone, which sadly leads to a higher likelihood they will cheat again. No harm no foul, right?
Cheating is not okay, nor is lying about it, but lying is a pretty typical human response when we do something we know is wrong. After all, we're all capable of acting like we're 8-years-old sometimes. The hope, however, is that we remember the lessons we were taught at 8 – don’t lie, you will always, eventually, get caught.
Please do not leave this post thinking I'm saying cheating is okay, because it's not. However, knowing whether all men cheat and lie, and understanding some of the reasons why many do can help you have a better response to the shock and hurt of being cheated on. This post is about understanding cheating men and their behavior, not accepting their cheating.
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Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 14, 2015 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I'll try to make a long story short, My husband and i have been together for 17 years. Out of those 17 years he was involved with someone else for 6 years. their relationship was over 2+ years after our daughter was born. I didn't found out about this until our daughter was 3. during the time him and his other lover were over, he spent most of the time at clubs and events getting involved with other girls, looking for them and taking them out to dinner etc he had a second life all along. until about a year and a half ago that he stopped. All this time i was giving him his space, fully trusting him adn supporting him with his workng two jobs etc etc. Now he says he loves me, that he has always loved me and he wants to grow old wiith me, and our daughter. Of course i don't believe any of that,and my anger towards him keeps him from connecting with me the way he claims he wants to. To me, he did way beyond cheating, I cant even categorize it. He doens't want to divorce, and now that he's become the greatest dad, he wants to become a great man for me, but i can't just put everything, all his lies, and constant cheating aside, and he says that if we divorce i'm the reason our family will break up, because now he is a better person. How can he even say he has loved me all along, and that i have to now get over all of his and grow up. How can i believe him ever again, even his good nature now makes me so mad sometimes, i hate him more than i love him. To me now his love for me is not real, never was. HOw can i ever move forward with him and be happy, i know too much about his second life that just makes it all go rotten, and everyday all i think about is divorce.
M, That is a lot to sort out. He needs to take responsibility for his actions. Seek out professional counseling to start working on your issues, and then after that, maybe consider couples counseling. -Kurt
Hi M.. I hope that it’s okay if I share something with you. Your story reminds me so much of one that my friend whom I’ve known since I was a child had endured for over 15yrs before she finally lost it. Now, I don't mean lost it as in she went crazy though, honestly, she was starting to head down that road but I think personally coming from having watched her marriage spiral downward..I think that you should leave. Now even though all marriages aren't the same and hell, I don’t even know whether you’re still married for it’s been over a year since you’ve posted this comment but, reading your story I literally felt all your pent up anger surfacing through your words. Sometimes we as women can take and take and take but inevitably we have to realize that if when we look into the mirror, and see that by trying to fight for something has us gradually losing bits of ourselves then my dear…that’s when we have to stop. It seems as if your husband is saying ‘well I’ve had my fun but now I’m done with it and ready to actually be devoted to my wife and child’. THAT IS NOT OKAY. What I’m getting is that because HE wants to now settle down and commit that YOU should let bygones be bygones and grow up too. It shouldn’t be that because he’s ready that you should be ready and want it. There are still so much unresolved issues here and he’s throwing out the most important fact and that is taking responsibility for his actions and actually trying to see it from your POV. Also, it upsets me when men think that cheating really is okay especially when they have a devoted loving and supportive wife at home waiting for them. He not only cheated on you and your marriage vows but, he cheated on your daughter too. You have to also look at it as if it were to happen to her. God forbid it but, she needs to know that people should not walk over her and her emotions. Your daughter would also be witnessing what’s happening with her parents. How would your husband feel if you were to tell him that you cheated because that person made you feel better than he has in such a long time? I’m sure that he wouldn’t like it. The fact that he’s also willing to blame you on breaking up the family by divorcing tells me as well that he’s manipulating you emotionally into staying in a marriage that has you un happy. Now I only know the story from Your POV from what you’ve written and not your husbands [I’m not justifying his actions] but there are 3 sides to a story: the beginning, middle and end. My friend still has major trust issues and I’ve got other friends that witnessed what she had endure vow to never marry including myself but it should never make you doubt yourself period and if there’s hate and you truly cannot see yourself trusting him and always doubting and counselling doesn’t work…then please leave. I know some states you can divorce without needing your spouse’s signature. I hope though since your post that you’ve found some kind of happiness and peace.
No, M. F-ing no. I'm shaking from rage. How dare he threaten or put you in a position to say that you will be the reason the family is broken. No, the bond was broken a long time, the family was broken a long time. I don't care how inconsiderate I am being towards your husbands side. Screw him. Please M, I know you are better than this. He doesn't deserve you..
Well certainly wasnt planning on writing on one of these things but I could use a little advice. I just wanted to know just how easy it is for a guy to be attracted to another female. And I guess ultimately cheat. Im in a 7 year relationship and swear I have more insecurities and negative thoughts now than I did before we started dating. We fight alot and I constantly feel like it makes him love me less and just wish he were with somebody else. And its from my understanding that tension and conflict can lead one astray. Especially when the third party will generally be somebody who's more 'fun' and appears to be somebody who's more 'understanding' and 'nice' etc basically the opposite of what ever problems you're having. (You know what I mean) The thing is I'm willing to keep trying to make it work so long as there is no infidelity what so ever (of course) but how can I tell if this is how he is. I was originally just looking for answers to whether they all cheat and lie then I thought maybe you or someone may have some advice on how to identify whether the significant other may be leading astray or at least thinking about it. Which I just think is unfair and unjust particularly when that is in no way how you want to address whatever personal issues are going on. I refuse to let it get to that. That sort of betrayal I just could not take.
Insecure, There is no way to predict if someone will cheat. Have you tried talking to him about your concerns? Depending on his response, couples counseling might be a good place to start as they can give you guidance and tools to use. Even if he won't go with you, going on your own is just as beneficial. -Kurt
Hi a few months ago my boyfriend confessed that 8yrs ago he slept with someone i classed as a close friend behind my back! Needless to say my emotions are allover the place and i have no idea what to do, its not just the act itself its the fact he has been capable of lying all these years and he has still been able to socialise with this person like nothing had happened and allow me to also when they knew what they had done!! He even told her he would rather be with her at the time which i find incredibly hurtful, i feel like a fool but it was so long ago and he is so different now, i just dont know what to do
S, Trust is very hard to regain, even after much time has passed. I have seen many couples recover from an affair. It takes a lot of work, and usually a professional counselor because it's so difficult. -Kurt
I am hearing two things here. One, if the relationship is strained and problematic in terms of affection, attention, and conflict resolution one may stray. Two, if one party is sex addicted or perhaps suffers from arrested development, the inability to resolve differences within the relationship, a sense of entitlement and perhaps some narcissism, they may stray. I would enjoy hearing your thoughts and opinions regarding the type of male who does not cheat. I understand women cheat as well. I'm a female so would like to hear your views on the type of male not likely to cheat. His profile from your perspective. Thank you in advance.
Goldie, I don't think there is a profile for cheaters and non-cheaters. Many who cheat never set out to do it, but rather stumbled into it. There are characteristics that help prevent that, such as healthy boundaries with the opposite sex, open communication with your partner, trust building behavior and habits, etc. (All of these I teach in my counseling). -Kurt
Actually, not all cheaters stumble into cheating. Unless you consider seeking out encounters online, paid sex with said encounters, massage parlors. These types of things are definitely premeditated choices, not "accidents." It would be easier to understand a one night stand or even an emotional affair turning physical. Intentionally setting out to cheat is not a stumble.
I came here looking for some legit info and hopefully advice on how to overcome some major life issues that have led me through depression, drug use, alcohol, and most importantly a long series of extramarital affairs. I am disappointed to see that the site is used more by women and seems to be pandering to them and their emotional needs and offers very little for the men that are looking for it. Change the name of your site. This is just another pile of bs.
John, Most of the articles here are for both men and women. Just because it may seemingly be for one doesn't mean it won't work for the other. If you had an actual question, I would be happy to try and answer it. -Kurt