Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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When you're losing a partner through divorce, or more accurately for many people, when a divorce finalizes the loss of a partner who's been gone for a while, it's very tempting to seek out new companionship. Resisting that desire is difficult. Many people in this situation wonder if dating during divorce is really okay?
This question is particularly important if you’re considering dating while going through divorce and you have kids.
More than anything, dating during divorce, especially with kids, depends upon how you go about it as to whether it's good or bad for you. There are other considerations as well, so check out this article on dating while separated for other things to think about.
Divorcing is hard, regardless of whether it’s something you wanted or something you didn’t. And it’s completely natural to want to feel loved and valued by a new partner if the opportunity presents itself. But if there are kids involved your interests, while valid, are no longer the most important ones.
So, what do you need to know about dating during a divorce when you’ve got kids?
Having counseled divorcing couples for almost two decades, I've seen plenty of bad examples of couples doing a poor job preventing divorce from negatively affecting their lives and parenting. Let's look at a recent couple to see some of the ways dating during divorce can be a big negative.
Meagan and Colin are in the middle of a divorce. The reasons aren't so important, but it is a mutual decision to end their marriage. Since their separation more than 6 months ago they've handled the custody of their 3 kids 50/50.
Meagan has stated several times in our divorce counseling that she's entitled to "have some fun" since Colin did (without her) during their marriage. Their split custody arrangement has given her 3 days a week without parenting responsibilities, and so she now has the time to do it too.
This is a common result of a divorce -- parents go from being full-time parents to being part-time ones. Now in nearly all cases this isn't the parent's first choice. They don't want less time with their kids. However, once it's forced upon them, many quickly realize there are benefits that come with this arrangement -- one of which is free time!
For some divorcing parents, particularly moms or whomever was the kids' primary caregiver, this new free time can be something they haven't had in years. And that isn't always a good thing. All of us need structure in our lives, although hectic and overwhelming at times, it's good for us to have structure because it keeps us out of trouble.
So, Meagan's newfound free time, combined with her desire to "have some fun" and for companionship has resulted in her spending a lot of time at a couple of local restaurants with bars. She's been drinking a lot and begun dating during her divorce.
Sadly, many divorcing couples revert back to acting like they're 20-years-old and in a fraternity, instead of being the adults with kids and responsibilities that they actually are.
Over the past few months, Meagan's new priority of "having fun" has resulted in:
Colin has been patient with her behavior and how it's negatively affected their co-parenting. In my opinion he's been too patient at times (we all have a responsibility to our kids to hold the other parent responsible for appropriate parenting). Colin's silence is partly due to his guilt over his prior bad choices, as well as the dysfunctional relationship they've had for years in which he was not honest with her.
Last Sunday, when Colin dropped the kids back off at Meagan's house at 3:30 in the afternoon, she answered the door in her bathrobe and clearly was not feeling well. The kids later said they were "bummed" that mom was not "not excited to see us."
So, when is dating during divorce with kids okay? Some may argue that Meagan is not typical and many parents wouldn't become this selfish and negatively affect their kids this way. But in reality, Meagan's choices are not unusual (legal reasons why dating while divorcing isn't a good idea).
I haven't even given the whole story. I've left out the men Meagan has been dating, they've stayed overnight a few times, and the kids know that sometimes when they call her she has something else (or more precisely someone else) that's more important at the moment than them. As much as Meagan wants to believe she's keeping her private life from her kids, I bet they know much more about what she's doing than she thinks.
Overall, Meagan's a good parent, but she's making some poor and selfish choices lately that are hurting her kids. She would never want or intend to do that, and would probably deny that she’s doing it now, but the truth is she is.
Clearly Meagan’s situation is having an undesirable affect on her kids. Their well-being should be the primary concern of both parents and that seems to have gotten lost in the divorce transition. But the children’s emotional health isn’t the only complication that crops up related to dating while divorcing. More importantly, it’s not the only kid related issue.
Some of the other considerations when it comes to your kids and your dating habits include the following:
Dating during divorce with kids is difficult to do. Obviously, we're dating for ourselves, not for our kids, but that doesn't have to make it bad or wrong. If we don't manage it correctly and set appropriate boundaries, however, we can easily make dating while divorcing have a negative impact on our kids and ourselves.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published April 26, 2014 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
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CHILDREN in divorce/separation should always be considered FIRST. Megan is not the only woman or man to act in ways that are dangerous to her children. That is why dating with children is such a dicey subject. Dating and remarriage can be a good thing for the children involved or it can be devastating. Parents should be REAL about how they handle their personal life. If you can't handle dating and being responsible at the same time then DO NOT DATE!!!
If you can be responsible to and for the children involved (the involved children can be of either dating partner)then DATE!
All to often when divorce and separation happen as adults recognize their own set of questions leading up to separation and divorce recognizing children have equally as many questions and or confusion in it. I believe if people take time to sort out their feelings and emotions etc. It offers opportunity to reestablish a relationship with themselves. During separation or divorce seeking out companionship during a time when one is more vulnerable due to a separation and or divorce can place themselves and their loved ones at risk not seeing or understanding their choices often can be filtered through the hurt etc. From unresolved feelings and emotions in the divorce and or separation and events in the marriage. I would say the ability to take time for oneself would be beneficial for individuals and taking time for oneself in they are etc. Which often becomes lost and or confused in relationships that end would serve as opportunity to mend and heal which is often not established before people enter into relationships. Allowing oneself to feel ŕather than avoiding the feelings and emotions in connection with divorce or separation. When a person allows themselves to feel down or discouraged and knows it is all part of the loss they are experiencing, when people allow themselves their feelings and emotions regarding circumstances and situations they are going through and recognize it is the absence of allowing oneself and or avoiding their feelings and emotions through activities, dating etc. Working through their feelings and emotions offers opportunity for healthier connections. So is dating good while going through divorce or separation I believe each person has to look at what lies they may have accepted about themselves due to the circumstances and situations they face whether divorce, separation or relationships in general that caused them to feel less than, unworthy, etc.
Great points Kay and Linda.
Since divorce is not really about children, I don't think it's realistic to expect that they will be put first, Kay, but certainly their needs can be considered equally. I get your point and agree that kids should be prioritized. Divorce is all too often all about the parents.
Linda your comment does a good job describing how complicated divorce is on a personal level. It also shows the opportunity divorce gives to grow, change, and learn more about ourselves.
I got woken up by him who I left due to emotional, controlling. This morning, he stayed outside of my place, he doesn't understand how he abuses me. I tried explaining it to him, he doesn't get it! While talking, he starts groping at me, how he needs my attention, he matters to me, I told him to stop touching me, he didn't, so I pushed his hands off me, he said he's sorry, then does it again, I told him he disrespected me by not stopping. He tells me he loves and misses me, that I need professional help, asked me if my issues are from my mom verbally abusing me, not him..I need to figure out ..he asked how much he should write the check for, dollar amount, to mediate instead of court..to eliminate lawyers fees. How I haven't fought to keep the marriage. His manipulative behavior isn't right..should a OFP take place? I wanted to try to keep the marriage together but after today's episode, I don't know I will. I'm ready to puke!am I too passive and allow it to take place? Or is it trying to control me . I am open for remarks..thank you
J, It's too hard to tell from just this one example if you're being too passive or if he's trying to control you. It's very possible that those were both true in the past, but may not be in this incident. If you want space from him and for him to respect that, there are legal options to keep him away. You could also go to counseling together to have a structured and supportive forum for you each to make your points to other and be heard. -Kurt