Do all men really want a younger woman? Learn more here.
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Know any narcissists? There’s a good chance you do, and chances are they’re probably men. Narcissism is a trait most frequently seen in men. In fact, because narcissistic men are somewhat common, most of us have at least a vague idea of what narcissistic behavior traits in men look like.
Men aren’t the only ones who display narcissistic behavioral traits though - women can too. Narcissistic mothers, for example, are one female version.
In fact, a young, engaged couple I was counseling this week is struggling mightily with his mother’s out-of-control narcissism and the impact she’s having on their wedding planning and currently “on-hold” marriage.
But while women certainly can be narcissistic, the majority of narcissists tend to be men, and their behavior can be very damaging not only to themselves, but particularly to those that love them.
This means that learning how to recognize the traits associated with narcissistic behavior is crucial.
Narcissistic behavior can be described as ‘It’s all about me’ syndrome.’
People who have narcissistic traits tend not to do anything that doesn’t somehow benefit them. Even seemingly altruistic behavior usually has the ulterior motive of making them look good or gaining something.
To illustrate this point, take a look at a social media post I wrote about recognizing narcissistic traits in someone you love.
As a counselor who specializes in working with men, I can give you some direct and actionable advice on how to spot narcissistic behavior traits in men.
The number one narcissistic behavior trait, in my experience, is,
Sound familiar?
Even things they’ve clearly and deliberately done are somehow your fault.
For instance, consider the man who has an affair and blames his wife.
If you had been better in bed, more loving, more interested, etc. I wouldn’t have had to turn to another woman.”
Or the man who verbally abuses his wife.
If you weren’t so stupid, we’d have a better life.”
There are additional traits that are also common to narcissistic men. These behaviors may manifest in different ways depending upon the skill of the narcissist, but they’re all almost always present.
Among them are,
Narcissistic men have an inflated sense of importance and surround themselves with people who feed that feeling.
They need to feel,
Men who relationship hop or change jobs regularly can be narcissists, and behave this way to feed their self-esteem and maintain a feeling of importance and value.
These men also typically exaggerate their accomplishments and abilities. It’s always the “my fish was bigger than your fish” story until the fish eventually becomes a whale.
Notice the theme in all these behaviors?
It’s some form of, ‘It’s all about me.’
Relationships with narcissistic men are notoriously unhealthy.
For a narcissist the relationship typically only has value if it’s making him look good or giving him someone to blame for his mistakes or inadequacies.
Of course, they don’t see it in those terms.
Instead, a narcissist will insist that his behavior is a form of love and rely on blaming you for any problems that exist.
Common symptoms of dealing with a narcissist, especially when you're in a relationship with one, is that you,
These symptoms result from a couple of the behavior traits listed in the ‘Narcissist’s Toolbox’ shown above.
One of the worst and more extreme results of being involved with a narcissist is experiencing abuse.
People with narcissistic traits often resort to being emotionally or verbally abusive in response to their own shortcomings. This can arise from their need to blame someone else in order to avoid taking responsibility for their own actions.
This doesn’t mean that all abusers are narcissists, but it’s not uncommon for narcissists to become abusers.
Do narcissists consciously act this way?
Yes and no.
Be careful not to try to analyze 'why' a person is a narcissist, because the reasons are often very psychologically complicated (read more about Narcissistic Personality Disorder). All you really have to understand is the damage these behaviors have on others and the narcissist themselves.
Narcissism is a tricky trait to spot right away. Many narcissists are charismatic and able to draw you into their world before you’ve had a chance to accurately evaluate their behavior and recognize the tale-tell narcissistic traits.
But generally, it doesn't take long for a narcissistic leopard to show his spots.
Remember,
If you recognize these narcissistic behavior traits in a man you love, or maybe even yourself, get some professional mental health counseling help. Narcissism isn't impossible to change, but it can be nearly impossible to bring about those changes on your own.
Looking over this list of narcissistic behaviors, do you recognize these in anyone you know? If so, please share your experience in the comments below so we all can benefit from learning about more signs of narcissism.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on January 18, 2014 updated on September 22, 2020 and updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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In a conversation with a co-worker, she informed me my ex-husband was a narcissistic. I never defined his behavior, just knew how I felt. All through our marriage our family came after his friends and his wants. I can tell you many stories, but I still get upset. We were married 11 years and until I started working, I didn't see a way out. I finally realized I was paying all the bills, so why did I need him. We divorced in 1992, and till this day, I am still to blame for his shortcomings in life. Everything is blamed on how I left him.
21 years with a man who I now firmly believe had narcissistic traits. I was told by quite a few people over the years that he seemed narcissistic, but I downplayed it. He was the guy who would show up to someone's birthday party with his latest project so he could show and tell it all night, and then he would go around the room and talk about himself. I've never seen anyone do that, and always thought it was odd. It was embarrassing, but I learned to keep that thought to myself. He destroyed our finances in the first few years of marriage. We were both musicians, but I had to sell all my gear to repay debts that he created. He never gave up anything, and then he would treat me like it was my mess, when it wasn't. We filed bankruptcy because he put us $28,000 in the hole at a time when we were barely keeping a roof over our head (we were starving artists). His portion of the debt was all but $400. My credit card, which I was dutifully paying each month, was naturally lumped in. But, when it was all over, for years I heard how I was so out of control with money and caused us to go bankrupt. So much that I started to question what was real. I was not allowed to rebuild my credit. Only he allowed himself to get credit cards again, and in no time we were $10,000 behind again. I left him, and that's when he suddenly "got how bad he had been to me" and vowed to change. I did not realize it at the time, but he couldn't change. He couldn't own problems and couldn't change. I went back to him, and in this time that he was being the best husband ever, I got pregnant. Now, the gaslighting got extreme. I started going to therapy believing I was depressed - no doctor believed I was. Next, he convinced me I was autistic, so I started trying to get that diagnosed. This is when I lost my relationship with my mom. I was asked by the doctor to get childhood information from parents, and my mom drew the line. She told me I was with a narcissist and I needed to get out. But, I didn't leave. Instead, I kept pursuing a diagnosis. Next, he convinced me I had a personality disorder. That was the loneliest year of my life. I believed I was too terrible of a person to be trusted in a friendship, so I stopped seeing my friends. I convinced myself I had borderline personality disorder. I saw it in everything I did, for my whole life. I went to a therapist for help. The therapist said he would not treat me because he sincerely doubted I had it. This was a guy who listed this personality disorder as a specialty on his website. I felt very hopeless at this point. Then our second child was born. Things got much, much worse.
Now, there was outright verbal abuse and sometimes physical abuse happening. I developed some bad migraines after my second was born and it was during one of these migraines that he bullied me into going to the grocery store to buy him the right cheese (because he said I didn't care about him and had bought the wrong type of cheese to hurt him, which was not at all true). I came back with $70 of things I knew he liked, including the exact cheese he wanted. He went into a rage, screamed at me and then promptly destroyed all the food. Outbursts like this became common. Sometimes he would put his hands on my throat and tell me how much he wanted to kill me.
By this point, I really believed no one loved me - how could they - and that I had no way out. I was no longer allowed to work. After our oldest was born, he pulled a stunt that caused me to get fired. He then precipitated a lie that I would not be able to make enough money to be worth childcare now that I got myself fired. I gave up having a career and stayed home with our kids. That's the only bright spot in these years. I got to be home with my kids and watch them grow in years a lot of parents miss out on because of responsibilities like work. For that, I am very grateful.
But, as things got worse, now alcoholism returned and it would show up in very destructive ways. He crashed my car, so I went two years without a car. I tried to get together with a few moms, to make friends, and start a preschool co-op in our homes. The first time it was my turn to host, he shows up drunk and these mothers (rightfully) decide my home is unsafe, and kick me out of the co-op. I decided then to continue to stay withdrawn.
But, if you hear him tell it, he talks about how I prevented him from having friends. He talks like he is a victim of me and that I am a horrible abuser. If I would ever try to calmly address issues (I was stupid enough to think that these were marriage problems we could solve) he would completely invalidate me by talking (usually yelling over me) about how I do all these horrible things to him. Then he would tell me I was hormonal or "how can I trust anything you say, is it your time of the month? How am I supposed to know when it's you talking or your hormones?" So much gaslighting was going on, and I had no idea at the time what gaslighting is. I questioned my reality, my thought process, my motivations, constantly. He would tell me why I would say something, and I knew it wasn't true, but he would tell me I'm lying about my own feelings. So much crazy making.
Even sex was this sick controlling thing. He would shame me by telling me that I'm defective because I don't want to hear him talk about all the sexual things he wanted to do with other women. He needed to describe all this in order to enjoy sex. This was one area that I didn't relent on. I knew that there was nothing wrong with me for not wanting to hear these thoughts. He would reject me - like midway through the act suddenly reject me and tell me I can't do it for him, and then walk away leaving me quite vulnerable. If I stopped having sex, well that wasn't worth the hell I'd go through. There was no consequence that seemed to exist to him. Nothing was his fault - he had no problems to work on. Everything - and I really am not exaggerating here - was my fault. I once got blame for the fact that we had mold in the basement - mold that he knew was there for a year but that I didn't see. Once I discovered it, suddenly he says I had prevented him from dealing with it and so it was my fault.
My opinions were not only wrong but completely intolerable to him. The things I did were never good enough. He would tell me I was incapable and worthless. He could turn at any moment. I could ask a question about something really basic (What time are we supposed to head to your parent's today?) and I would get verbally ripped apart (The normal time? After this many years you haven't figured out what time that is? How is that even possible! Why are you creating a fight out of thin air? You're always looking for attention!) And all I had said was what time? and literally nothing else. It's like he was talking to a voice in his head.
The last straw was this. He viciously assaulted me in front of our daughter. In response to me trying understand something he said (he had muttered half of it and I just couldn't hear what he said) he jumped at me and started punching me in the ribs. Then he threw me against the washing machine and hit me some more. When I tried to leave, he held me by my throat and told me how much he would love to watch me die. My daughter was now present and attempted to physically stop him. He threw her to the ground and told her I was getting what I deserved. She was so upset and said, "Why did you hit me daddy? I didn't do anything! Why did you hit me?" He told her to shut up and go upstairs. She didn't leave. He then took my head in both his hands and slammed it against a wall. I fell unconscious. When I woke up, she was screaming at him to stop hurting mommy. I tried to stand up, but the room was spinning so much. I tried crawling to the stairs. I told him that he really hurt me, he really hurt me too badly. Then I feel his foot on my face and he pushes my head to the ground. He says something about me faking it and then I think my daughter ran at him again. This time he walked off. I got upstairs, and out of the house. I realized he had taken my phone. My daughter gets her little brother outside and then runs to a neighbor to call the police.
Here is the biggest red flag of all. When the police came, he burst into tears and starting telling him how he had finally snapped after years of abuse from me. He told them that all he wanted was to love me, but I could never accept him. He went on and on about how he was a victim. Never once asked about me. Never asked about the kids.
The police came to the ER later and told me that I was with a narcissist. They told me that they really need me to prosecute and to get somewhere safe with the kids. These officers felt so strongly about this, that one of them moved back leaving on a vacation to show up to the prosecutors office to make sure the prosecutor heard from him all the narcissistic things my husband had said to the cops. He wanted to convey how scared my kids had been when they showed up to the scene and the complete lack of remorse or concern for the kids my husband had shown. That was really eye opening for me. So was the repeated calls I got from jail from my husband, blaming me for assaulting me. When he got out of jail, I got text after text saying things like "I wish you could have just accepted me, then none of this would have happened." or "I have nothing to be sorry about, but you own me a sincere apology". I filed a restraining order and left. My kids didn't want to have a relationship with him after this. Of course, he went after me hard in court. The felony charges against him were dropped because he is that convincing. At the time, I struggled to believe reality. I questioned what I had done to deserve this. I actually went to marriage therapy with him after the restraining order was lifted. That therapist finally set me straight. He told me, in front of him, that he is a narcissist. He told me that he would be happy to see me individually, but he will not see us together. I listened and got individual therapy. You really have to get individual therapy if you've been a victim of narcissistic abuse. I had not realized how lost I had become for a long time. I'm not with this monster anymore. My kids have to see him, but they don't like him at all. Everytime they come back from a visit (which luckily is only two days every two weeks), we have to unpack the crap they dealt with. My now-ex is fixated on destroying my image to them. I made the choice to stay single and just work on me. I need these kids to have one healthy parent, and I am fighting to be that for them.
I'm not using my real name because part of me will always be afraid, I think. But, not afraid of him. Afraid of the people he convinced that I'm a liar and he's a victim of abuse from me. He has put a lot of effort into spreading rumors about me - this started years before we divorced - and as a result there are people out there that think our children are in a toxic place being with me. What they don't know is I conceded child support in order to have them this much. I don't get a cent from this abusive person, despite the lies he spreads about that. It's like if you leave a narcissist, you never really get to leave fully. They will follow you some way or another. I lost so many relationships over the years because of narcissism. But, I have me and I can be ok.
I hope by sharing this, if someone who is in the deepest hurt of that kind of experience sees it - you can recover. You can find yourself again. And, you don't need a partner - you can be alone and be very happy. It is possible, but you need a therapist to help you get there.
Lmao. The poster of this is defending women straight up. There are many narcissistic women so do not say “some”, making it sound few and far between. The exact qualities you state that men do, women also do on the daily. Especially in the day and age of Only Fans, etc. Women over and over again have said you cannot talk to me if you do not first pay for my services. Why don’t you address that behavior? You should be shut down for taking sides, having a toxic stance to make women believe men are more of an issue than they are themselves. You’re absolutely mad.
You sound like a narcissist Deez
Narcissistic has just narrowly been defined as traits exhibited by men. The studies are probably flawed. There is no money in telling your female patient/customer base that men are not the problem. That is why psychology will never be truly respected as a medical science. The effectiveness of the treatment is dependent upon the perception of the patient. Not like real issues like diabetes or cancer, you can measure where and when treatments work. Shrinks can't, they have to keep selling the dream to poeple who are willing to buy it.
I have been with two narcissist back to back. The first one was a vulnerable narcissist the last one controlling. They never accept responsibility for their actions. It really is all about them. They make you feel so small and incompetent and they gaslight and play the victims. You are the bad person for their dysfunctional ways. I left my uneducated husband for cheating. I dated an educator thinking it would be different. Boy was I wrong! The educator/coach turned out to be way worse than my ex. I’ve been with him for four months and I’m finally glad that I am leaving! I’m tired of the abuse and feeling disrespected and unacceptable. He made sure to strip all self esteem but little does he know that I don’t need him as much as he needs me. He can have all the money in the world but his self worth is crap. I’m moving on! And today is a good day. No more mind tricks no more put downs. No more feelings of inadequacy. And no more narcissists!!!