You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
At the start of a relationship feelings of love can be so strong and overwhelming that it’s hard to imagine they could ever fade or go away. Unfortunately, after years together, many people get to the place where they say, "I'm out of love" and believe the love will never come back.
Are they right? Sadly, a lot of the time they are, but for the wrong reason. They end up being right about love never coming back because they stop trying. I know many of the people who feel "I'm out of love" also feel like they have been trying to change their relationships for a long time. But I've found that many of these people have, mistakenly, not tried in the most effective ways possible.
For the love to come back to a relationship and stay strong it takes consistent work and very specific efforts. You can’t just wish it to be true, complain about things not changing, think that time will fix it, or have one person trying while the other does nothing. These things simply aren’t enough. So what does it take?
Here's a post I wrote on social media about feeling outta love and what to do next.
A very important point above is the distinction between focusing on 'why' as opposed to 'what.' Searching for the answer to 'why' is an easy trap to fall into. The biggest problem with focusing on 'why' is that it distracts from focusing on 'what.' 'What' you're going to do when you say, "I'm out of love," is much more important than 'why' you are out of love.
Are you going to throw your hands up and give up? Or are you going to fight for your relationship?
There's an almost automatic response for all of us to just walk away when we're out of love. Sometimes it feels like the effort won’t make any difference. People usually assume that feeling that way means that there’s no way that the love can come back. After all, isn’t true love supposed to be bullet proof? It lasts forever and can’t be broken, right? Wrong.
Add to that the many influencers in our lives that encourage us that we should walk away. The powerful influence of our culture, and well meaning family and friends, cannot be underestimated here. We’re conditioned to look for immediate gratification and told that when you fall in love – if it’s true love – it lasts forever. So if you’re out of love then it seems clear that things just weren’t meant to be. Unfortunately, these influences and beliefs are some of the things that feed unrealistic expectations and lack of the right effort when it comes to keeping the love alive.
After you've answered the 'what' question you can then focus on answering the 'why' am I out of love question. In my experience learning 'why' often requires getting the help and insight of a relationship expert (I'm out of love with my fiancé).
Discovering what you can do to change why you feel like you’re out of love can be very empowering and relationship changing. And it’s an important step in bringing the love back.
It’s easy to expect that the way we feel and behave toward each other at the beginning of a relationship will never change. And assume that initial phase is what love is, and is supposed to always feel like. So when it doesn’t feel like that anymore it means we must be out of love.
What many people fail to consider is how life and people change over time, and that just as those things change so does the way love feels. Although some may disagree, this is actually a good thing. Infatuation and constant sexual tension must make room for the trust, support, and partnership that it takes to build and sustain a life together.
And while we all enjoy the intense passion that comes at the beginning of a relationship, it will change over time and needs to mature in order for the relationship to survive. It’s when work is required that comes with this change that many people give up, which is precisely the opposite of what they should do.
Almost everyone believes in the miraculous power of love. So how come in these situations we believe falling in love again is so impossible? It's not, if we'll ask ourselves the right questions.
If you've ever felt "I'm out of love," please share your experience with us below. If you like this post and want to read more like it, you can sign-up at the bottom of this page to get notified of each new post. You can also follow me on Facebook or Twitter where I post relationship and self-improvement tips just like this one.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 28, 2013. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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My wife and I haven't even been married for a year and she's "out of love" for me. She says she loves and cares about me, but is frustrated and confused and doesn't know what happened. She began becoming distant about a month ago, and we finally spoke about it. I'm so afraid she's just going to give up and end it.
We have a difficult and interesting story. We live in two countries right now (CAN/US), which is very challenging. It's both our second marriage. We've also know each other for 20 years or so. We were close in high school. I'm also now a step dad, and I love the little guy.
I rally have no idea what to do. She doesn't even want to talk about it anymore.
My wife informed right about the time our 3rd son was born(3mos) that she doesn't love me anymore. I didn't even know there was an issue. She says that I am controlling and. I have issues performing in bed for her of which she is right but they started after the vasectomy last July and I love her with all my heart and don't want to lose her or my kids. Please help if you can. I would also like more information on the challenge you issued to the women who fell out of love any help and advice is greatly appreciated
Roger, There's a lot going on here to address it on this small forum. You can only control what you do, so you will need to show her you're willing to change. Try seeing a professional marriage counselor - even going on your own will be beneficial. Your doctor should be able to help you with issues from your surgery. -Kurt
Hi Kurt,
Thank you for the insightful articles.My husband and I have know each other for 12 years (married for 6.) Together we started a successful company, and have seen through each others lives ups and downs but for some reason there was always a lot of distance, anger and lack of intimacy I always sensed from him. I honestly did not know where this was coming from and would think that maybe we are not right for each other. He would often say - you 'provoke' my anger, and I would try my best to not do so. I am human as others, and I would sometimes stand for my self defense against his anger and shut off ways which he would consider 'too argumentative or not understanding'. Over years, we have separated and gotten together one and off, and mostly my feelings for him did not change but somewhere he says he 'stopped' loving me long back. About 10 months back we had an issue, and he said '11 years we couldn't work it so I don't see any hope for us.' Having had many a blow of this kind, I decided to stand up for myself and left. Later in course of time reading alot of self help, and meeting a good counselor I became aware that I would like to give my marriage a chance now that I have a better understanding of who I am and what marriage and love is. He, on the other hand doesn't wish to get back and wants a divorce. Just to give a little more insight, my husband comes from an alcoholic household and a lot of traits and habits started falling in place when I did some study on this . I tried to share some information and articles with him as a true friend, but he denies completely that any of this has implications on him. He says what we do today is the only reason of our problems and growing up has nothing much to contribute (although I have often heard of him talking about issues at home and comparing our relationship to his parents.) I tried to get some support with his family but they also are not willing to see me through this. My therapist did meet my husband a few times and he did feel that most of his anger and frustration are way before me, but his resistance to learn or accept any challenge to his thinking is so high that he does not wish to explore anything other than what he feels right now. Currently, he has bent towards spirituality and meditation based on the guidance from his sister and some divorced friends, and feels that he is at 'peace.' Invariably, getting as enraged as before and blaming me or the relationship for his problems, not 'feeling' it anymore and lack of personal 'growth'. Given that. I backed off, I do not interact much with him, and have left him to his own becoming. That was the best I could comprehend of the situation. He has cut me out financially, cut me out from the company we were running, basically all doors closed/closing. I am right now trying to get myself together, start up something new, and take each day as it comes with its challenges. I feel I miss something which is my marriage with him because we did connect at some deeper level and were each others 'go to' people. I would love if you can share some of your insight on this. Sorry for the long post. And thank you in advance if you have any advise to share.
Sincerely,
PS
assalamu alaikum
I'm in love with someone else and my husband doesn't know.I don't like this so I want to tell everyone the truth
Rahma, has your husband been treating you badly? Has he been cold toward you or not paying attention? I know my wife started her affair around the same time that I stopped paying attention to her. I'm just curious if this is your situation too.
I think sometimes the only reason we don't want to lose them is because we want it to be as it once was. Sometimes that's unrealistic. A person has to want to change. Asking them to usually doesn't work.