You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
At the start of a relationship feelings of love can be so strong and overwhelming that it’s hard to imagine they could ever fade or go away. Unfortunately, after years together, many people get to the place where they say, "I'm out of love" and believe the love will never come back.
Are they right? Sadly, a lot of the time they are, but for the wrong reason. They end up being right about love never coming back because they stop trying. I know many of the people who feel "I'm out of love" also feel like they have been trying to change their relationships for a long time. But I've found that many of these people have, mistakenly, not tried in the most effective ways possible.
For the love to come back to a relationship and stay strong it takes consistent work and very specific efforts. You can’t just wish it to be true, complain about things not changing, think that time will fix it, or have one person trying while the other does nothing. These things simply aren’t enough. So what does it take?
Here's a post I wrote on social media about feeling outta love and what to do next.
A very important point above is the distinction between focusing on 'why' as opposed to 'what.' Searching for the answer to 'why' is an easy trap to fall into. The biggest problem with focusing on 'why' is that it distracts from focusing on 'what.' 'What' you're going to do when you say, "I'm out of love," is much more important than 'why' you are out of love.
Are you going to throw your hands up and give up? Or are you going to fight for your relationship?
There's an almost automatic response for all of us to just walk away when we're out of love. Sometimes it feels like the effort won’t make any difference. People usually assume that feeling that way means that there’s no way that the love can come back. After all, isn’t true love supposed to be bullet proof? It lasts forever and can’t be broken, right? Wrong.
Add to that the many influencers in our lives that encourage us that we should walk away. The powerful influence of our culture, and well meaning family and friends, cannot be underestimated here. We’re conditioned to look for immediate gratification and told that when you fall in love – if it’s true love – it lasts forever. So if you’re out of love then it seems clear that things just weren’t meant to be. Unfortunately, these influences and beliefs are some of the things that feed unrealistic expectations and lack of the right effort when it comes to keeping the love alive.
After you've answered the 'what' question you can then focus on answering the 'why' am I out of love question. In my experience learning 'why' often requires getting the help and insight of a relationship expert (I'm out of love with my fiancé).
Discovering what you can do to change why you feel like you’re out of love can be very empowering and relationship changing. And it’s an important step in bringing the love back.
It’s easy to expect that the way we feel and behave toward each other at the beginning of a relationship will never change. And assume that initial phase is what love is, and is supposed to always feel like. So when it doesn’t feel like that anymore it means we must be out of love.
What many people fail to consider is how life and people change over time, and that just as those things change so does the way love feels. Although some may disagree, this is actually a good thing. Infatuation and constant sexual tension must make room for the trust, support, and partnership that it takes to build and sustain a life together.
And while we all enjoy the intense passion that comes at the beginning of a relationship, it will change over time and needs to mature in order for the relationship to survive. It’s when work is required that comes with this change that many people give up, which is precisely the opposite of what they should do.
Almost everyone believes in the miraculous power of love. So how come in these situations we believe falling in love again is so impossible? It's not, if we'll ask ourselves the right questions.
If you've ever felt "I'm out of love," please share your experience with us below. If you like this post and want to read more like it, you can sign-up at the bottom of this page to get notified of each new post. You can also follow me on Facebook or Twitter where I post relationship and self-improvement tips just like this one.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 28, 2013. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
Many husbands (and wives) are not "in love" with their partners any longer.
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My husband (Army vet w/ PTSD) recently told me he doesn't have feelings of romantic love for me anymore. He has said he feels like he owes it to me to try to work on things so he recently came home after being separated for 5 months. I don't want to feel like a circus monkey "performing" to bring back his love... So my question is, what are the most effective ways to work on bringing back those feelings that have been lost? I have, and continue to, address my negative behaviors that I believe have been a part of our fade but what are some things he might be able to do to lead himself back to a feeling of romantic love? Our past pattern has been (in a nutshell) he is withdrawn (part of PTSD) and I, over the last few years, had become gripy and negative in response to what I've taken as not being appreciated or loved. I'm learning to accept his PTSD without negative reactions and doing my best to show him love. He's been mostly open to affection (I usually ask him first before loving on him). He's said he's hoping his feeling will change but he doesn't know how to make them. I don't know if he can make them, but I kind of feel like there might be a mindset or ways to guide your heart back to love. Am I crazy or can this happen? He's said that he definitely did love me genuinely and wants to again, we don't have major issues like abuse, cheating or addictions within our marriage, we have kids and the makings of a really great life. A big issue for him is that after his combat experience, nothing seems satisfying to him anymore, everyday life feels stagnant and boring. He doesn't feel peace or contentment with what we have and that's hard. He has a secure job (but it bores him), we have a decent income, both of us are kind and good-hearted people who genuinely want each other to be happy. I have felt out of love with him before and come back from that place but this is a first for him and he doesn't know where to go from here. Any advice?
Liz, That is good that you recognize what you need to do to help repair things. PTSD is complicated. Have you asked him to give marriage counseling a try? You can also read the other articles under the subjects Love Is Gone, and the ones in Marriage Problems and Relationship Advice for suggestions. -Kurt
My wife had an affair for about a year. She ended it when I find out September 2012. We did counseling, things got better, but lately I've been thinking more and more about the affair and I almost feel like I hate her. I don't want to break up my family (2 kids) but I also want a woman I can respect and admire that cares about me too. Do I suck it up for the kids and pretend to be happy for them? Is there way to actually be happy with my wife even though she cheated on me?
Adam, Being angry is natural in this situation. I have seen many couples recover from infidelity - so it's very possible for you to be happy with her again. As you know, it takes work and time, and having professional help is usually necessary. Maybe revisit your counselor for some additional advice and tools to help with the anger. -Kurt
My current boyfriend and I are going through this. We've only been together for 9 months but we both loved each other greatly up until recently when he became distant. He told me that he doesn't know how he feels and why. For that he believes that he's not in love with me anymore. I think this has something to do with how he got comfortable in the relationship and stopped trying. He was no longer romantic, just giving the bare minimum. He told me that he has been feeling this way for a few weeks but was trying to fix it on his own before telling me because he felt guilty. After discussing this, we are currently taking things slow and starting over to try and rebuild that spark we had. It's so confusing to deal with because we don't understand the situation. It's new territory for both of us. He has fear it won't work and is afraid of hurting me but I have hope that it will. It takes more effort on his behalf because he's not the romantic type guy or doesn't know ho to communicate his feelings well. Any advice?
Nelia, It sounds like you're off to a good start by slowing down and taking things slow. See the articles in Relationship Advice on the right of this page for some ideas and suggestions. -Kurt
I’ve known my wife for 25yrs (married 21). We had a really strong bond for the 1st 7 years and a love that each had never experienced. The downward trend started when my daughter was born and went into a total spiral 3 yrs later when my son was born. She just couldn’t make room for me in her life anymore. I would ask why and she would say “we have children now and they need me, sorry”. I continued to try, and while we did spend some time together it was few and far between, and most conversations revolved around the kids. Intimacy and date nights became more rare and only initiated by me. I grew resentful and developed a strong fear of rejection which resulted in me withdrawing to the point of no time together and no sex at all for the past 7 years. The resentment and fear turned to some fierce anger and while I never hurt her I did scare her and called her horrible names. 2015 was probably our worst year and 3 months ago she said she was not in love with me anymore. I admit that I grew out of love myself but I knew that with some work we could get it back. I began counseling on my own and eventually together. I have applied everything tool and method I’ve learned and my personal growth has been wonderful. I have been able to peel back the resentment and fear and have been able to be for her what she needs without the fear of rejection or resentment when not reciprocated. In other words I have fallen in love with here all over again and I give to her without conditions or any expectations of something in return. Her life has been blissful and is reliving the affections and love she had during the 1st 7years of being together. But she has resisted because she refuses to believe she can ever be in love with me again. I never drank heavily, stayed out all night, did drugs, flirted with other women, never cheated or obsessed over sports or hobbies. I was home every night and we were actively involved in raising our children together.
She says she cannot get over the pain caused by the name calling. It started about 18mos ago and happened on about 5 occasions. While I admit it was a horrible thing to do, it is difficult for me to believe that is the sole reason. I have suspected an affair for a few years, mostly because she was the one in our relationship who was more sexually aggressive and I wondered if she was being fulfilled somewhere else. But her behavior has never really supported that theory. And while there seems to be some dishonesty, mostly excuses why I can’t go with her or why I was not invited, I believe it’s because she just doesn’t want me to go and would rather be with friends, family or co-workers. Even the past few months while I’ve been so attentive, making her feel attractive and loved, doing more around the house, showing and interest in what she is interested in (TV shows, some activities, chick flicks etc), having a life of my own. We are spending more time together, we smile more and we laugh and play more than we have in 10yrs. She seems much happier, but when asked how things are going by our therapist or myself, she breaks eye contact, looks down and becomes withdrawn ( a tale- tale sign of her defensive walls) and sheepishly says “ok, I guess” and then will go into a tirade about an argument we had a week ago, all while ignoring the many good times in between. We can go through days of sheer happiness but she will obsess over a minor disagreement about which vegetable to serve for dinner 8 days ago. Or if we have a prolonged period of just being happy together it seems that she has to drum up some kind of conflict. If I resist she starts making things up, or relates to an experience much much differently than I did. Like the choice of vegetables.
I have applied all three types of attraction (physical, emotional and personality). I go to the gym, I am confident and strong emotionally and make her laugh a lot and I try to be as interesting as possible. While she seems receptive, she is also resistant at times and will even say it’s weird and not genuine. Yes, I could understand that 2 1/2mos ago, but I’ve been steadfast and consistent for more than 3 mos now. But she still resists. Her behavior seems to indicate that she has made a conscious choice to not love me, if that is even possible. Giving up is not an option but I am at a loss.
Bryan, It's good that you're both in marriage counseling, and it does sound like you're making progress. Change takes time - you both didn't fall out of love overnight, so be patient. You might find the articles in the Midlife Crisis and Marriage Problems helpful, with some ideas and suggestions for you. -Kurt
Me and my wife been married for over 2years and together over 10 and now I feel like the love we had is gone .......we use to do stuff together with love now I can't even get a cup of ice without a bribery