Are you Married To An Angry Man? Find out from one wife’s real-life experience what it's like being Married To An Angry Man. See if Angry Men can change.
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Vacations are great. We all need to get away and find happiness from time to time. And there’s no reason to get angry if all the daily stresses are gone and you can relax. Unfortunately, anger doesn’t really take a vacation. And many people, men especially, can find a need for effective anger management techniques even if they’re sitting on a beach.
So, what kind of men need anger management techniques while on vacation? A man like Steve does.
Steve was on vacation in Hawaii with his family last week. While at the beach with his 8-year-old son, Steve lost his temper when his son kept throwing sand in the air while building a sandcastle.
What’s the big deal? Sand, beach, Hawaii -- what could be wrong?
Well, the sand was landing on Steve's tablet. Even though they were on Maui and supposed to be enjoying family time, Steve still felt the need to stay connected to work.
So, when sand landed on his tablet Steve erupted like Kilauea (Hawaii's volcano). Kilauea means "spewing" in Hawaiian, which is exactly what he did all over his son.
Steve had thought this vacation was going to be the perfect break from everything -- even his anger management problems. Unfortunately, he didn't realize that along with his swimsuit he also packed his anger issues.
Many people mistakenly believe anger is something that’s completely situational. If you can get away from the things that cause you stress and make you angry, like work, chores, or bills, your anger will just go away too. Sadly, that’s wishful thinking.
Anger issues and the need for anger management isn’t just about eliminating the triggers. If anger is a problem for you it will find new triggers and remain a problem regardless of where you are. So, Steve, who had hoped and planned for a vacation without having to deal with his anger, found himself in uncomfortable but all too familiar territory.
Fortunately, a few weeks before the trip Steve had begun anger management classes at Guy Stuff. Although he's just beginning to learn anger management techniques, Steve quickly recognized his anger problem and put to work one of the tools I'd taught him.
When we met again after his vacation he told me,
I probably wouldn't have recognized it before. But I remembered the anger management technique you taught me and started using it. That made me think about my anger and realize I needed to do something before it grew."
Later on, when Steve's wife, Rebecca, heard from their son what had happened she snapped at Steve, "When are you going to start anger management classes?"
He told her:
I already have. And after only the second meeting I already have a tool that works."
True anger management isn’t about quick tricks or soothing mantras. Although these can help, real anger management technique takes time to build and master. And management is only part of it.
Really handling your anger means getting to the root of it as well.
Overwhelming anger is a product of something deeper that hasn’t been dealt with properly. And while a person may never fully be rid of their tendency toward anger problems, learning and practicing proper techniques as well as working toward resolving the internal issues causing it, can lead to a much happier life and more successful relationships (like Steve with his son).
What I teach in my classes on managing anger is a combination of techniques to use in the moment to reduce anger, along with lifestyle and relationship changes necessary to prevent the triggering of anger in the first place.
That being said, here are 3 simple responses that can help you manage your anger when it erupts like Steve’s did. The anger management techniques I teach in counseling are much more complex than these, but this is a good place to begin.
These aren’t long-term fixes, but they can help you get started. You may be like Steve and need a tool you can begin to use right now.
But, like Steve, if you need lasting ways to manage your anger (and eliminate it), it will take a commitment to learning more thorough techniques and resolving the sources of your individual anger problems.
Can you relate to Steve's anger management problems? Ever lost it with your kid and regretted it like Steve? Then do what he did and start learning some anger management techniques that really work.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 23, 2010 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Are you Married To An Angry Man? Find out from one wife’s real-life experience what it's like being Married To An Angry Man. See if Angry Men can change.
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See, while you men are telling women about complaining and nagging and how it bothers the husbands, there are husbands who blowing up and not controlling their emotions. It goes both ways.
We must remember men, that all have sinned and fallen short of the glory of God. Stop focusing on women's sins so much and writing about what hurts the men's egos. The marriage is about the two of you. Heck, men do things too, that drive their wives crazy, but we fuss a little and then still love and cherish our husbands. We do not raise our egos and pride as high as men.
Marriage counselors who write on the internet, are always talking about how different men think and respond to criticism. Heck, women do not like criticism either, and you all know that husbands do criticize cooking, housework, when she gains weight, how she spoils the kids, and something else that men do that bugs the stew out of women, they fuss about and try to challenge the wife's authority in the delivery room. Yes she has the authority in the delivery room when she is on her back and naked with her legs up in stirrups and also when breastfeeding to decide which relatives cannot see her vagina and breasts. But anyway, how the heck do you men think that makes wives feel? You see, men and women counselors are so busy coddling the husband, that you forget about codding the wives too. True isn't it?
This isn't coddling. It's a sales pitch. That aside, how are people supposed to get a handle on their anger? Just telling people "don't be angry!" doesn't work any more than telling a depressed person to "just buck up" works.
I said we coddle men ant it's true we do coddle men, which means we are afraid to lecture, advise, scold, them about things they do and chalk it up to his delicate ego that needs to be rubbed. So yes we do coddle men.
You don't have to agree, but it's true anyway. We see and hear it.
Its me with anger problem im always moody causing everyone around me to feel the same way in desprate need to get help trying to find something free to get my anger out so it don't hurt my family in suggestions ill take em 1
Paul, There may be some local anger groups in your area that are free. Read the other articles in the Anger Management section, as well as the Abusive Relationships section, for more information about getting help. -Kurt
I've gone to counseling for anger management because my wife (of 20 years) really thinks that I have anger issues. We went together and separately and this was part of a broader marital counseling. The counselor, after meeting with both of us alone and together, stated that I'm a normal guy, and I don't have anger issues. We just needed help with conflict resolution. That was about 7 years ago. My wife is still adamant that I have anger issues. I've asked her for instances that my anger has been a problem and she can't site any. Just today she told me that the root of all of our problems was my temper, and maybe I'm blind but I just can't see it. I can't remember the last time I was angry at a person. I know I get grumpy sometimes, and I sometimes do not handle situations as well as I should, but I don't think that anyone ever handles everything perfectly. I asked her to go back to counseling with me and her response was, "Why? It won't do any good." I'm at a loss and frustrated. To further compound the issue, she told me today that she does not enjoy spending time with me. I asked her what I could change in myself (using the conflict resolution tools we learned years ago) and she would not give me a straight answer other than my anger issues. Today I wept with grief for the first time, other than due to the death of someone I love. I am at a total loss of where to go from here. I'm searching for things to change in myself to become more lovable but I feel hopeless right now.
Eli, I have seen many couples find their way back to each other, but it takes effort and the desire to on the part of both partners. I think it's wise to try counseling again, and if she won't go with you, go on your own. It will be just as beneficial. -Kurt