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Sean loves gaming online. That in and of itself is not unusual, lots of people enjoy multi-player online games (MPOG). Few people though, like Sean, realize when their favorite activity has crossed the line from a harmless pastime to something more and become an online gaming addiction.
To Sean online gaming isn't an addiction -- it's just a fun way for him to unwind from the stress of work and family. It's also an activity he enjoys doing together with his 11-year-old son. So how can something that makes him a better dad be so bad?
Ask Sean's wife about what impact his gaming has on him and their family and you'll get a much different perspective. In the eyes of his wife, Sean’s online gaming has become a problem, not only for him, but for their entire family. And the most frustrating part if it for her is that Sean can’t see it at all.
One of the signs of an online gaming addiction is when playing begins to negatively affect other parts of your life. This can be true of many things. Hobbies like gaming that become all consuming and cause the core parts of your life to be pushed to the side (family, friends, work) have gone from being a healthy release to a problem.
Here are a couple of examples from Sean's life of what that can look like.
Sean routinely has conflicts with his wife over parenting their kids at bedtime. He really looks forward to 9:30 pm when the kids are in bed and he can get online for some "me time." When he's still dealing with getting the kids to bed at 9:40 pm he usually has a tough time controlling his anger.
Sean's been meeting with Guy Stuff for help with anger management and to work on fixing his marriage. During a meeting last week he shared some interesting revelations he's had about what he's now starting to see as his online gaming addiction and how it’s impacted his life.
He says that a lot of other guys are just like him and are online gaming at night. Because it seems like something other guys do too he didn’t think it was a problem. And it’s not like he’s having an affair or doing drugs. Heck, he’s not even going out of the house. At least that’s what he kept telling himself. Over the course of our meetings he has begun to see things differently.
It's like going to a bar. It's become my social life. We meet up online almost every night. Kill some monsters. Chit-chat about the day. Then realize, hey, I got to get up for work and sign off."
No one sets out to develop an addiction. Those addicted to drugs, alcohol, or even porn, will tell you that they were activities that seemed harmless and completely within their control – until they weren’t. These addictions also often develop out of a need to cope with other issues. In an effort to avoid or self-sooth, many people will turn to things that help them forget and feel pleasure.
Through counseling Sean's realized that "some emotional gap is getting filled." It's not just men who are getting emotional needs met online either, it's women too. He says that he's surprised how many of the other players are women. He claims to be careful not to discuss too much about his personal life, but says many other people aren’t so cautious and there’s more sharing of personal or private information than is probably appropriate.
What Sean is now realizing is that the thing he thought was just a fun hobby has become an online gaming addiction. He’s even able to see what it’s done to his marriage, admitting that "I'm not there to some extent.” He’s also beginning to see how his addiction to online gaming is part of the reason that, according to him, "we've found ways to be apart."
It can be hard to see how an innocent recreational activity like gaming can be bad for you. Many people are just like Sean and see their game play as nothing more than a stress reliever. However, when you become addicted to playing and doing it negatively impacts you and other areas of your life then it's a problem that needs to be addressed.
Perhaps it sounds strange to compare online gaming to having an affair. But a lot of partners will say that the game console is like another woman to them in how it's so alluring to their partner and steals them away. So in many ways it can have the same affect as cheating -- just ask Sean's wife.
If you believe you, or someone you love, might have an addiction to gaming then reach out to a licensed counselor for some help. Don't let an online gaming addiction become the other woman in your life.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 9, 2010, updated on December 19, 2017, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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My sister in law has been battling alcohol and drug addictions for many years. She was also diagnosed with Bipolar and paranoid schizophrenia. It's taken a toll on my brother and their youngest daughter and he wants out of the marriage. We have tried supporting my sister-in-law and even seeked assistance with no hopes in sight. My brother found out that she wasn't paying their bills and using their finances to support her habits. With her current condition, has there ever been a divorce settlement where the spouse in California was not granted half of the husband's investments and spousal support? What resources can you recommend where my brother can seek further assistance? Unfortunately, he has limited finances as a result of my sister-in-law's problems.
Please advise. Thank you.
JT, Sorry to hear about your brother's situation. Legal questions are outside my scope of expertise. Almost every county has free legal help available through their family court. Check online and/or go in and see where they can point you to to get help. -Kurt
This sounds exactly like my husband. I've tried multiple times to suggest a counselor but he just gets mad and says we don't need a counselor and that I always have something negative to say about him. In honesty it's probably true. He doesn't work, doesn't cook, doesn't clean, doesn't help me with anything around the house, he's in our bedroom all day and night. Sleeping all day and staying up all night. His help with our 10 month old son is minimal. There are days when I leave the baby with him while I run errands but it's still minimal. I suffer from chronic migraines and I still have to do everything. I want to fix it, I just don't know how. I don't know what will make him see, I've told him that I'm lonely and unhappy but nothing changes.
Aviance, Addictions are tricky - especially when the person addicted doesn't realize they are. Like any addiction, he will have to take responsibility for his actions and want help in overcoming it. You can't force him to do anything, but you can start going to counseling on your own. Usually once one spouse goes, the other wants to go, too. -Kurt
We don't do anything together on a daily basis. Here or there I'll get an hour or two but not much more. I truly feel like he loves the computer more than me. I've even told him so. What did he do about it? Nothing, nothing at all.
Both myself individually, and myself and my wife as a couple ran through the gamut with online gaming. I essentially had an addiction already before we met. She picked up the habit in order to spend more time with me. This led down the rabbit trail and had a negative impact on our children because they are such a huge time suck. I also fell in to the nasty habit of being upset with her if things didn't go well while we were gaming. It put a huge strain on our relationship and our family. We eventually sat down and hashed it out and now we both are very conscientious about our gaming, in the rare instances we do it at all. We only play games that are "drop at any time". Casual gaming, as it were, that we can easily put down and pick back up at some other point so we can take care of what we need to do. No more MMORPGs, no guilds, no scheduled times we *have* to be somewhere. Life comes first. If you're putting something else before your spouse or your significant other, you are telling them they are second best.