Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Part 3 of 3
Charlene had no idea that Jay needed porn addiction help. And she never would have thought that she'd be looking for help for porn addiction either. Charlene believed she knew all about Jay's sexual behavior, but like many women in relationships, there was a lot she didn't know about the things her husband was interested in.
She could see Jay noticing other women and heard the sexual jokes with his buddies at parties. She knew he'd been to a strip club and looked at porn before they were together. But she just assumed that behavior had ended once they got married. With jobs, kids, and a household to run, sex was a luxury that just didn't seem to fit into their lives too much anymore. At least that's what Charlene believed.
When Charlene would hear about porn addiction help in the media she thought that was for men who are sex addicts, not her husband. That was until that Saturday 5 months ago.
The truth is that it’s far easier to develop an addiction to porn than people realize. Porn, especially now, is instantly available through the internet. It can be accessed through your phone or computer nearly anywhere. That ease of access and the belief that it’s a harmless activity has resulted in more people than ever are watching.
On this particular Saturday Jay was working overtime, the kids were spending the day with grandma, and Charlene decided it was a good time to do some spring cleaning. When she found some unmarked DVDs in a box in the office, she decided she should take a quick look at them before tossing them.
As she sat in front of the computer, she was horrified at what she saw. Jay had been saving porn videos on the DVDs. She was shocked and her mind raced to remember all the things about porn addiction she'd heard and ignored because that was for other wives' who's husbands look at porn. She went to Google and searched porn addiction help to find out what to do, but didn't find much help (Guy Stuff provides counseling for women too).
Even though porn addiction is a real problem that causes serious issues in relationships, even work and social lives, it’s often viewed as just a normal guy thing. While it may be a typically guy thing, it’s actually NOT a normal guy thing. It’s true that more men than women watch porn, but that’s actually changing with younger women.
Porn viewing can quickly become habitual, and then turn into an addiction. And the problem is that it has an extremely detrimental effect on intimacy and personal relationships, which is why addiction to porn requires help.
Jay got home and walked in as she was still searching. He could see she was upset, so he asked what she was doing. With tears in her eyes, she looked up at him and said searching for help with porn addiction. Before Jay could say anything, Charlene was screaming at him about how she couldn't believe he looks at porn. Jay angrily yelled back at her,
You don't get it 'cause you're not a guy."
Then he walked away.
They didn't talk about porn addiction again for 2 months. Charlene decided she'd just let it go. But of course it was on her mind almost all of the time. Whenever Jay was home alone she'd wonder if he was looking at porn. So she decided to see if she could catch him.
It became a cat and mouse game of hide and seek as Jay tried to keep it from Charlene and she sought to catch him again. He knew Charlene didn't like it. She'd get really upset about it when she saw he'd been looking at it again. They'd fight about it. She'd ask him to get some help. But he'd dismiss it and tell himself that she just didn't understand that all guys do it.
What's porn hurt he thought? Guys, we can easily rationalize our looking at porn and talk ourselves into a belief about it that's comfortable and not challenging, but also false. Porn hurts everyone, even you. Jay found that out one night when he was up late alone. His 8-year-old daughter came down stairs and saw what daddy was looking at (and doing). Put yourself in Jay’s shoes and imagine what that was like.
Because of the false belief that watching porn doesn’t hurt anyone, most men refuse to recognize that there’s a problem that requires help. But when behaviors change and start to include hiding things, lying and completely ignoring the impact on your partner (it’s there even if neither of you see it), there’s an issue.
Porn addiction doesn’t just affect the person watching. The behaviors that go along with addiction chip away at the trust and respect within the relationship when it’s discovered. And porn addiction in particular is very damaging to the wives and girlfriends of the viewer. When discovered porn can leave women feeling insecure, insignificant, and as though they’re not enough, killing the intimacy a healthy relationship needs to have. Just ask Charlene. Eventually resentment builds, communication stops and the relationship can die.
The next day, after talking to their daughter, Charlene begged him again to get some porn addiction help, he finally agreed. It was really embarrassing for Jay to admit that day that he needed help with porn addiction. But he'll tell you now that it was a lot more work keeping up the lie than it is now being the man he is today.
If you're struggling and need porn addiction help, learn something from Jay, stop lying to others and yourself, and get the help of counselor who knows how to a stop porn addiction.
(Read Part 1 of Jay and Charlene's story - Porn Addictions for Men and Part 2 - A Guy Confesses He's Addicted to Pornography
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 14, 2012. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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Thank you for posting this. I just broke up with someone over his porn addiction. I'm so hurt and trying to understand why I am not good enough
please i need daily mails on how to stop viewing pornography i have been addicted for seven years now. I am 19 years old
I look at porn and most of the time I wish I didn't. My excuse is I have a loveless sexless marriage which has existed long before the porn addiction. I haven' had sex in over 20 years. Prior to that my wife constantly rejected my advances. The two or three times we did have sex she was angry and commented she only had sex because I wanted to. During the years of rejection I would often pleasure her with foreplay where I was the only active partner. She has suggested to seek a hooker if I want sex. Now she is angry that I look at porn. Perhaps I should have divorced her instead of staying in the marriage and looking at porn as a love substitute.
Last three weeks ago i lost my job and i started seeking for another good job and i have been to many interview but i was not giving a job so i was a testimony on the internet on how Ubiato help someone to get a good job so i have to contact him on his email: ubiatowhitemagicspell@yahoo.com and he told me what i need to do and after 2days all the place i have attended interview they all started calling me and i was confuse because i do not know the right one so i have to call me so he told me how i am going to know the right one which i did and now i am the happiest person on earth.
Kurt,
My name is Kim I am 28 my husband is 35 we have been together for 3 years & just got married a month ago.
Me & my husband have sex 1-3 times a week. Just the other day I was getting dressed in front of the mirror and thought to myself these panties really look good on me. Then out of nowhere it hit me like a ton of bricks..my husband hasn't seen me naked in over 8 months. He hasn't even seen me in bra & panties. I have tried to wear lingerie for him but when I do he looks at it then turns the lights off & we have sex. Last month on our wedding night I wore a new sexy piece of lingerie & he did the same thing. I really tried to be perfect but he doesn't act any different than when I wear 1 of his shirts to bed. He used to watch porn a lot. I caught him a few times last year masterbating to porn while I was home & available. It really hurt my feelings.
I went through his phone and couldn't find any porn. When I confronted him about not seeing me naked in over 8 months not even seeing a bare breast & I asked him if he had been watching porn again he said he hadn't. He also denied masterbating. I said so in 8 months you have not seen a naked female body not even watching porn & he said no.
Kurt i know that men are very visual. I am almost positive that he is lying to me. Am I right to be concerned?
Kim, I think you are right to be concerned and questioning. That's a long time for the typical 35-year-old man to go with no sex, no desire to see the female body, and no sexual release. It's certainly possible, but it's not common for sure. -Kurt
We do have sex but he does not want to look at me. We always have the lights off. I am 5'2 slender & over all in good shape. I have things about my body that I would like to change. He was obviously attracted to me at one point. He used to want to see what I had on underneath. I can't compete with perfect flawless looking porn stars. How & what can I do to have him look at me again?
Kim, Porn (Present or past) could certainly be an influence, but there are a lot of other possible reasons too. He can probably can give you a better answer than I can why he doesn't want to look. You might want to read through some of the articles on this site under the topics Love is Gone and Understanding Men to get some other possible ideas. -Kurt
My husband and I have been married 5 years. We have NEVER had intercourse because he can not get an erection. He is addicted to porn. He tells me he has stopped, but it's still right there on his phone. Watches all the time. I feel like if he were to stop, he could have sex with me and it's not fair to me. He refuses to get help and I'm tired of begging. What should I do? I'm 53 and he's 57.