There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
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Part 2 of 3
Would you know the warning signs of an emotional affair? They can be hard to spot until it’s too late, especially if you’re the person having one.
An emotional affair can be easily masked as a close friendship that goes just a little further than normal and be excused as “innocent” because the two people see themselves as "just friends.”
A cheating spouse is generally thought of as one who sleeps with or is otherwise physically intimate with someone outside their marriage. But this isn’t the only kind of affair, not by far.
Emotional affairs are just as damaging, perhaps even more so. And because they can be so deceptive, knowing the warning signs of an emotional affair is crucial for keeping your marriage healthy and safe.
Want to know more? Check out the story of a cheating spouse below to see how the warning signs of an emotional affair can be exposed.
Therapist Gail Saltz tells the story of this cheating spouse in the article Could You Be Having an Emotional Affair?, published in The Oprah Magazine.
Sharon's marriage had become bland. Then she met Todd at work. Read how easily it all began in the first part of this series, A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts. Here are some signs of a cheating spouse:
Sharon came to depend on Todd for emotional highs. The flirting, the accolades, the sympathetic ear all made her feel special. She escaped into this new involvement in a scenario that's increasingly common. Though emotional affairs have always been around, I'm seeing more of them among my clients than ever before.
We've all grown so used to watching, reading, and hearing sexually suggestive material that there's no longer an obvious verbal or physical line we think we're crossing. And the exponential growth of e-mail, instant messaging, and cell phones gives us a wealth of private ways to connect.
It's a snap to Google an old flame: What would have been idle fantasy a decade ago can, with the click of a mouse, grow into emotional (or sexual) infidelity.
We all know men and women who really are "just friends," and there's usually some romantic frisson, even if neither party admits it. But a healthy male-female friendship isn't clandestine.
Once a man or a woman avoid telling their partners how much time they're spending on the friendship, make sure they look great anytime they're going to be together, or confide more in each other, including marital dissatisfactions, than in their spouses, they're involved in an emotional affair.
Often, I'm told of a friendship that hasn't gone that far…yet. But if the possibilities are tempting, I believe that's the moment to look more closely at the marriage.
What is each spouse missing that he or she needs? My prescription is for them to ask directly and answer frankly, because from everything I've seen, when a couple can't express their feelings, concerns, and dreams, they're both at risk for betrayal.
I frequently talk to couples in this vulnerable state, not only about how to reclaim closeness but also how to protect their relationship from third parties. Even when a marriage can't be salvaged, I'd rather see it end amicably before either person starts up with someone new. Three habits strike me as playing with fire:
What do these three warning signs of an emotional affair have in common? They’re all easily justifiable as nothing to be worried about. After all, if no body parts have touched then everything’s fine, right? No, it’s not that simple.
What affair signs do you see in Sharon’s story?
Because it’s so easy to ignore the warning signs of and classify them as innocent, emotional affairs can take hold and go a fair distance before anyone is forced to acknowledge what’s really happening. This is part of what makes them so dangerous and damaging.
Do any of the above signs of an emotional affair look familiar? If you suspect your spouse is cheating, get some guidance and support from a marriage counselor. Find out from an expert in emotional affairs what to do before you react. It's really easy to make things worse and drive your spouse further away by how you respond.
Read Part 1: A Cheating Spouse - How an Emotional Affair Starts
* This is the second of three posts examining the cheating spouse. Sign-up for our Blog at the bottom of this page and don't miss the last part of what to do about a cheating spouse.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 01, 2010 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
There’s no question that discussing cheating is an emotionally charged conversation, here's what to expect.
Suspecting a partner of cheating can shake your world.
What should you do if your Wife Cheats On You? Check out this expert advice for what to do next.
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my husband came into town from camp and arranged for a young woman he worked with before to work for him again. this time in camp, but he sneaked into town and picked her up at 2 AM and never said anything about leaving camp and coming back into town to pick her up for the six hour drive back north. I didn't know she was in camp until she answered his phone he left on the lunch table. when I asked him who answered his work phone he said susan, he then proceeded to lie to me saying he told me she was up there, when I said he didn't he lied again and said he left me a message and when I check my phone records on both the call display from the house phone and my records on my cell there was no such phone call made, and no voice mail. He simply took this woman up to work for him in camp knowing I don't like her and only tolerated her working with him in town, but I will not tolerate her in camp with him especially since he was so secretive about hiring and then coming into town where we live to pick her up without telling me he was in town. he didn't even have the common courtesy of phoning me and letting me he was in town, he just picked her up and took her back to camp hoping I would not find out. what do you think?
Lack of communication, dishonesty, and deception regarding involvement with the opposite sex -- you need marriage counseling to fix some serious problems. -Kurt
My husband has had a long history of drug and alcohol abuse. I asked him to stop and he lied repeatedly about doing it. He told me that I was crzy and paranoid and then threaten to leave. When I would offer to help him pack, he would then start crying and beg for one more chance. He would admit to a problem and tell me how much he loved me. He even pulled his parents into his manipulations..his mother would lie for him and say he had paid for bills that he hadn't, said things he hadn't etc. His dad told me over and over how I was such a good influence on him and that I needed to help him not be so insecure. He punched me and busted my lip, his mother said that she was glad I didnt call the police, and to always remember to call her?!?! WHAT??? I started detaching then and never went to his family functions unless I had to, was told that I am miserable and dont want to let go and be happy..on and on and on.. Now he assures me that he has quit drinking and drugs and wants his family. I dont hate him, but I feel nothing...it is a breath of fresh air when he is away from home
From what I've read, my husband is having an long distance emotional affair with a woman from high school. He's 44, I'm 58, we've been married 18 years, one 14 year old daughter. He reconnected with this female friend on Facebook a few months ago. She was recently divorced, with a son going thru a gender change to a female, 13 years old. They all have been talking/texting. The woman and my husband talk on the cell for a total, on average of three hours a day. The kid texts my husband off and on. He says they're just friends but he only talks to her while at work and late at night while he walks the dog. Never while I'm around. I asked him why if it's an innocent friendship does he excuse himself from our presence? He says they talk about things that she doesn't want made public. I was worried about his texting the child. I asked what they would have to text about and he finally said it had to do with questions the kid had regarding things like tucking. My husband is not a trained therapist or medical professional. But he does watch Trannie porn and dresses up when he is alone. I've known he does it and have helped him to do it, I haven't stopped him, I read it's how he is in touch with his feline side. He doesn't want to do it openly, and likes being a man - and likes women for sex - or so he says. But he seems to like how the two need to talk to him. Our sex life has been non existent for years, but I thought we were loving and caring, even supportive of one another. Now he's doing this text/talk affair. He thinks what he is doing his innocent but it's hurting me. I've told him as much and he gets defensive and angry saying that I'm making him choose. I never said that I wanted him to choose, just not talk so much,and so secretly - if it's so innocent. Married men aren't supposed to talk about things like that to other people's kids, let alone private sexual things to another person not the partner.
My boyfriend has been seeing and texting this girl for a few months now. They spend "alone" time together. Tell each other that they love each other deeply. He told her she was his girl. They are just friends havent even kissed. I read the texts and hear the voice-mail. She even got angry because she was told that he told someone that they had sex. She said how could you tell them what we do in private. That was no ones business. Hmm did they have sex and he is steadily lying about it? He has his location history on private.