Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
Part 1 of 2
Midlife crisis -- what's it really look like? We've all heard the jokes about the middle-aged man who wakes up one day and suddenly decides to radically change his life by quitting his job, buying a red sports car, and finding a new, younger wife. Or the woman who decides that she needs plastic surgery to recapture her youth, starts an affair with her yoga instructor, or begins to dress like a teenager.
Is that what a midlife crisis really looks like? Or are those exaggerated stereotypes? The truth is that a midlife crisis can look different for everyone, and not everyone goes through one. Although most people do go through a period of reflection during their middle years, that doesn’t mean it has to be an all out crisis.
So what are the real facts about midlife crisis and what's fiction? In particular, what does a midlife crisis in men most often look like? While both men and women can experience a midlife crisis, men experience them at a higher rate. For that reason we’ll take a look at some of the common characteristics of a man experiencing a midlife crisis.
Here are some descriptions of midlife crisis by a few experts:
Unfortunately, a midlife crisis can bring on a number of other issues as well. In particular, during a midlife crisis people need to be aware of symptoms in men of serious depression, such as:
Do you know a man in midlife crisis? It can be hard to tell sometimes. Often the thoughts and feelings that lead up to one quietly and slowly accumulate over time until a man is at the point of radical behavior changes because he’s feeling in crisis and doesn’t know what else to do. Sadly, the behaviors choices stemming from a midlife crisis are almost always destructive and usually lead to regrets later on.
Nevertheless, if a man you care about is experiencing a midlife crisis understand that he will most likely deny it and won’t want to talk about anything surrounding it. So you can’t take a direct approach in telling him what he’s doing wrong. You’re also most likely too close to him for him to be able to listen and believe what you're telling him is true. It’s important that you recognize your limitations because of your role in his life.
Men experiencing a midlife crisis are completely certain that the life-altering changes they’re making are necessary in order for them to be happy. This is a very selfish state, where their concern is self-focused and family and friends can become collateral damage. If this is the case then it’s a good time to get some expert guidance on how to help him. A good portion of my work in counseling men is in supporting their partners through such situations. Finding a counseling men expert to help you with midlife crisis in your man can be invaluable.
If you believe that you or someone you love is experiencing a midlife crisis you’ll need to practice a lot of patience. Midlife crises don’t resolve quickly. But with patience, understanding, love, and potentially the help of an experienced counselor they can be survived. And it’s possible for life on the other side of the crisis to be a good one.
This is the first article of two defining midlife crisis. Here's the second one: What Triggers A Midlife Crisis? Sign-up for our blog below and be sure not to miss our next article.
Source: WebMD - Midlife Crisis: Transition or Depression?
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 27, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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Hello Kurt,My H is in MLC for the last three years..and has an affair for 4 years..we are married 40 yrs and have two sons he is 62yrs...he has an affair for 4 years..I am lost i do not know any more what to do...for how long this will go on..he said that he will move out ,,I told him several times too but he is still at home... I am thinking to send him lawyer's papers in September ...is he going to reconsider his family and his marriage or he will sign,,,I believe in family and i would not like to divorce..but I am mentally exhausted....The last 5 months he totally avoids seeing me and come home only to sleep ,, we do not see each other there is no contact ... Of course 2 years ago he told me a lot of negative stuff..he does not love me ...the marriage was a disaster ..the marriage is over....i am the problem not the girlfriend...and many more...I worked hard all my life to pay for his education and support him all the way ..i was husband and wife at home all these years because he was a laid back person and now i have to deal with this mess.... .. I strongly believe in family .... I have my carrier
I am beautiful woman inside out..but i am still waiting ..... can you tell me in what stage is he ? for how long I have to wait? does he feel any shame and he avoids me? Any Help? Thank you for Reading my case
Yiota, When there is the influence of an other woman it can take some time for the allure of that new relationship to fade. I would imagine that he does feel some embarrassment and shame, but he probably is pretty good at hiding it, even from himself. It's also possible that he denies those feelings by blaming the relationship failure on you and justifying his behavior. Read through the articles under the topic Cheating Spouse to learn more about the mentality of someone who is cheating. -Kurt
Hello Kurt,My H is in MLC for the last three years..and has an affair for 4 years..we are married 40 yrs and have two sons he is 62yrs...he has an affair for 4 years..I am lost i do not know any more what to do...for how long this will go on..he said that he will move out ,,I told him several times too but he is still at home... I am thinking to send him lawyer's papers in September ...is he going to reconsider his family and his marriage or he will sign,,,I believe in family and i would not like to divorce..but I am mentally exhausted....The last 5 months he totally avoids seeing me and come home only to sleep ,, we do not see each other there is no contact ... Of course 2 years ago he told me a lot of negative stuff..he does not love me ...the marriage was a disaster ..the marriage is over....i am the problem not the girlfriend...and many more...I worked hard all my life to pay for his education and support him all the way ..i was husband and wife at home all these years because he was a laid back person and now i have to deal with this mess.... .. I strongly believe in family .... I have my carrier
I am beautiful woman inside out..but i am still waiting ..... can you tell me in what stage is he ? for how long I have to wait? does he feel any shame and he avoids me? Any Help? Thank you for Reading my case WHAT WOULD YOU ADVISE ME TO DO ? WHAT IS TEH BEST WAY TO WAKE HIM AND LEAVE THIS OTEHR WOMAN WHO SPENDS HIS MONEY N?
I asked my husband to leave because he kept coming home late at night kept swearing and seemed angry at a lady we used to do work for he says he hates her I love him with all my heart and I have asked him to come home twice and he will not I think he is with someone else he is staying with our two friends and his mum does all his washing when is he going to miss me he wants to meet up for a meal to talk about things but its been over a month why is he doing this to me
Susan, I can't say for sure why he's doing what he's doing, but you did a good job setting a boundary with him. Now you just need to stick to it until he shows some signs of changing. -Kurt
My husband and I have been married for 41 years. Five years ago my husband came up to me and said he didn't want to be married anymore. I was in shock. We went for councilling and as a result stayed together. Two years after that I came home to just his necessities and him gone. He left a note saying he wants space. That same night he came home crying begging to come back. He was very remorseful so I let him come back. He bought a home without me knowing, said he will fix it up and sell it. It was in a deplorable state. A long year later, after I found a receipt for furniture, he announced he was thinking of leaving again now that it is beautiful. He stayed at our home and sold the house. A year after that, without me knowing, he rented an appartment for a year just in case he needed a place to go to, more money wasted, and stayed at our home with me. He said he just couldn't leave. Things were great or so I thought during that year. We did a lot together. We communicated, had fun together, went on a small holiday. I found out about the appartment by finding a file he was hiding. He got rid of the appartment and I found out just a few weeks ago he bought a small home for the same reason. Now I have THIS baggage on my shoulders. I am so done! He says he is going for councilling and loves me very very much and our grown children and wants to build a better life and live honestly and happy with all of us. I am absolutely numb, hurt, betrayed, don't know who he is anymore. He is acting like everything is great again and is so happy. He wants to kiss and hug me, tells me where he is going and when he will be back, does things around the house for me, does errands for me. I know deep down inside I can't live with his midlife crises anymore. He is 62 and I am 2 years younger. He stole large amount of money from behind my back and did it very cleverly. I am giving myself 6 months to prepare to leave. I need to know where I stand or if I can live on my own financially. I am so scared to be on my own. The worse part is I don't work and don't know if he can afford spousal support. He said to me we are NOT getting a divorce and he is tired of living this secret disgusting life. I don't have anymore trust in him. The stupid thing is deep down I still have caring and love for him but I am afraid he will do this crazy behaviour again. By the way we did not have the disposable income for him to do these things which makes it very hard for me. He is self employed and makes many decisions and purchases without me knowing and is always behind my back. He said he had no one else in his life. There is no signs that I know of to tell me he had an affair. It is so hard to deal with all of this. I am so heart broken!
I'm sorry this is happening to you Karen. It sounds to me like you are making the right decision. You need to take care of you and the stress of all of his coming and going cannot be good for you.
I realize that financially it will be difficult, but at this point, it couldn't possibly be more difficult than dealing with his behavior. So while your finances might be tight, at least you will be free of the stress and you will know what to expect because you will be taking back control of your life.
I know it will be hard to leave someone you so obviously love and after so many years of marriage. But you clearly don't deserve this treatment. Remember that.. you do not deserve to be treated like this.
Taking back control of your life and still loving him as much as you do, will require you to be very self-disciplined. You need to completely break off communications with him, because it sounds as if he will keep trying to renegotiate with you.. but he will only end up doing the same thing to you over and over again. Set the boundary - the line he cannot cross - and stick to it.
And try to see the positive side of this.. You aren't leaving the man you married - you had 36 happy wonderful years with THAT man. The man you are leaving is someone else entirely. Go in search of happiness again.
Hi Kurt, Two years ago, my husband announced (at my asking what was going on with him) that he didn't think he was in love with me anymore, and that he didn't think he wanted to be married anymore. I soon discovered some emails between him and his Admin Assistant (newly separated herself) that were not conclusive, but were at least inappropriate and suggestive that there was something more than their just talking about their respective marital issues, as he claimed. Needless to say, I was devastated. I couldn't understand it - we had a beautiful marriage - not always perfect - but we had built a beautiful life together, got a long well, supported one another, laughed a lot, had great sex and we were always very loving, caring and affectionate with one another. He claimed he needed space, that he felt trapped and he wasn't happy. In trying to understand, I did some research and began to suspect that perhaps he was having a mid-life crisis. We'd been married 5 yrs at that point (together 8), he had just turned 40 and his attitude about himself plummeted almost immediately. i.e. "I'm fat, I'm bald, I'm a jerk" etc. (he so is not an jerk - furthest thing from it, actually - but I had to agree that he was acting like one!). He had become very selfish - going so far as to say that he didn't care what I needed from the counseling, that this was about him. On the other hand, he is not the social type - so there was no heavy drinking on late nights out or gambling or anything like that. He bought a four-wheeler..but that was only to replace his old one. My point is that there we some signs, but not all the stereotypical signs. Long story short, we got into counselling and managed to work through some issues he was having with me - or at least those he confirmed when I pointed the finger at them. I made some significant changes. I loved him, I wanted our marriage - but I was holding a lot of resentment and anger regarding this other woman and I wanted answers. Every time I broached the subject, he continued to maintain that nothing had happened and didn't feel that he had done anything wrong and the discussion would end with his wanting to leave and his wanting a divorce etc. I began to shut down in terms of talking about my feelings. Over the next year and a half of counselling, we did make progress and he said he was happier. Things were going really well and we made some significant decisions that impacted not only us, but others as well. For instance, we decided that in two years time, we would sell our home with the intention to take over his family home when his Mother was ready. She actually bought a second house to renovate and prepare for when the time came. Still in marriage counselling, our therapist turned the discussion to my obvious shutting down. We talked about why I was doing that - I spoke of my remaining anger and resentment - no longer so much towards what may or may not have happened with the other woman, but in how he'd handled it and treated me in handling it - which is to say 'not at all' and 'like he owed me nothing and wasn't accountable to me as his wife'. Immediately following that session, things changed - he became standoffish with me and said that he didn't think we could have our marriage, or our happily ever after. At the next session with our counselor, he said he wanted a divorce. I now find myself and us, right back where we started. Following that appointment, it changed to he wasn't sure what he wanted. He says he loves me and agrees that we had made progress and that he was happier, but that he can't explain why he thinks we need to divorce. He is now seeing our counselor on his own to figure things out. He has never left - either in the past or now - he is still sleeping in our bed, wearing his wedding ring, cuddling up to me and is now crying in my arms when I hold him and show him compassion. He has said that he is still very attracted to me, but won't initiate sex because he doesn't want to feel, or have me feel, like he's using me. I'm scared and very sad that this is happening again, after we'd made so much progress. He isn't telling me what he's talking about in his sessions or how he is feeling and I'm not asking. I had a lot of fear and apprehension leading up to his first solo appointment with the counselor, and I'll admit that I did too much talking, asking him to talk and pursuing him. But since that first solo appointment and given that he is still here, has no plan that I know of, isn't packing and doesn't even appear to be thinking about what he wants (he drowns himself in tv), I've stopped all that and I am just trying to focus on myself while he figures this out and I get called back to join him in the counseling. I'm not really sure there is anything more I can do, that I haven't already tried. I guess I just want to know whether or not you believe this is a midlife crisis AND is there any hope for our marriage.
Lana, It very well could be a Midlife Crisis. I have seen many marriages survive a Midlife Crisis. Your counseling sessions are the best place to address this. -Kurt