Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
Part 1 of 2
Midlife crisis -- what's it really look like? We've all heard the jokes about the middle-aged man who wakes up one day and suddenly decides to radically change his life by quitting his job, buying a red sports car, and finding a new, younger wife. Or the woman who decides that she needs plastic surgery to recapture her youth, starts an affair with her yoga instructor, or begins to dress like a teenager.
Is that what a midlife crisis really looks like? Or are those exaggerated stereotypes? The truth is that a midlife crisis can look different for everyone, and not everyone goes through one. Although most people do go through a period of reflection during their middle years, that doesn’t mean it has to be an all out crisis.
So what are the real facts about midlife crisis and what's fiction? In particular, what does a midlife crisis in men most often look like? While both men and women can experience a midlife crisis, men experience them at a higher rate. For that reason we’ll take a look at some of the common characteristics of a man experiencing a midlife crisis.
Here are some descriptions of midlife crisis by a few experts:
Unfortunately, a midlife crisis can bring on a number of other issues as well. In particular, during a midlife crisis people need to be aware of symptoms in men of serious depression, such as:
Do you know a man in midlife crisis? It can be hard to tell sometimes. Often the thoughts and feelings that lead up to one quietly and slowly accumulate over time until a man is at the point of radical behavior changes because he’s feeling in crisis and doesn’t know what else to do. Sadly, the behaviors choices stemming from a midlife crisis are almost always destructive and usually lead to regrets later on.
Nevertheless, if a man you care about is experiencing a midlife crisis understand that he will most likely deny it and won’t want to talk about anything surrounding it. So you can’t take a direct approach in telling him what he’s doing wrong. You’re also most likely too close to him for him to be able to listen and believe what you're telling him is true. It’s important that you recognize your limitations because of your role in his life.
Men experiencing a midlife crisis are completely certain that the life-altering changes they’re making are necessary in order for them to be happy. This is a very selfish state, where their concern is self-focused and family and friends can become collateral damage. If this is the case then it’s a good time to get some expert guidance on how to help him. A good portion of my work in counseling men is in supporting their partners through such situations. Finding a counseling men expert to help you with midlife crisis in your man can be invaluable.
If you believe that you or someone you love is experiencing a midlife crisis you’ll need to practice a lot of patience. Midlife crises don’t resolve quickly. But with patience, understanding, love, and potentially the help of an experienced counselor they can be survived. And it’s possible for life on the other side of the crisis to be a good one.
This is the first article of two defining midlife crisis. Here's the second one: What Triggers A Midlife Crisis? Sign-up for our blog below and be sure not to miss our next article.
Source: WebMD - Midlife Crisis: Transition or Depression?
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 27, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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I've been with my husband for 21 years I lost my job in august in sept we went away together first time in 5 years just us it was lovely then sept 13th was our wedding anniversary I found out he'd been having an affair for a year and he loved her !well as you can imagine my whole world fell apart he left me and moved in with his family . It's been 7 weeks and I miss him he tells me he loves me and misses me but isn't in love with me I'm so hurt and angry I feel like I've lost a limb I've told him yesterday I want a divorce I'm not being second best to any one how can the man who worshipped his wife go to not giving a damn! I can't understand it I keep living the past year over and over in my head how could he do this best thing is his girlfriend doesn't want him full time or serious ! It's killing me luckily I've started a new job so my mind is occupied bur weekends kill me on my own I just don't know what to do anymore
June, 7 weeks isn't very long in my experience of how long it takes men to work through their confusion. Focus on taking care of yourself like you're doing with your new job. Find something to distract yourself on the weekends too. If you want to speed up the process then get some professional counseling help. -Kurt
7 weeks ago, my husband of almost 10 years left me and our babies. He said that it was all my fault. I never took our vows seriously and that I never gave him the fairytale life and marriage he wanted. But then he will text me out of the blue and tell me that it's him, he is messes up, confused, angry, sad, etc. he has moved out of his moms house because she told him that he needs to get counseling and he had moved in with another woman that he works with. He insists that they are just friends, but that she is everything he wishes I could have been. He came to pick up the kids this last Sunday and asked if he could spend the night because she doesn't want him staying there all the time. She doesn't like him like that. He likes her and is lusting after her. I told him that this is still home and that he is always welcome here. We ended up having sex that night, but I feel so hurt because I told him that I loved him and he couldn't even tell me it back. I also feel used because he is going right back to her house and lusting after her there. This is not my husband!!!! Where did the man I married go??? I feel so lost and broken.
Shanna, I hope you won't let yourself get manipulated and used again. Sleeping with him is not going to be the way to get him back. -Kurt
Hi Kurt, I have had read through the valuable informaiton on your website about MLC but I still have some questions unanswered. My husband and I have been married for almost nine years, been together for almost 19 - we met when we were both 19. We have never had any real 'issues' up until 12 months ago when our dog Bella passed away. Following this his Dad passed away, he found out he has a half-sister out in the world from his father, his father betrayed him and his siblings by leaving everything in his will including familty hierlooms and a fifth generation family farm to my husband's step-mum (they are now contesting the will), and then our other dog Penny passed away. He was so devestated by the passing of Penny more that anything else that has happened recently. Recently I discovered he'd been having an emotional affair with a sister of our friend via Facebook. She lives in another country but he did meet her twice while she was visiting at Christmas - both times they were drunk. She has chased him, pressured him to commit and now he is saying our marriage is over and he is giving it a go with this girl that he doesn't know. I think he wants children (she has a son) but he doesn't want children with me because I have mental health issues in my family. This upsets me greatly as this has only recently been communicated to me. He has turned to religion when before he didn't believe in God. He communictes to my friends that there is nothing 'wrong' with him yet he confided in me that he thinks he has depression and is suffering a midlife crisis. He is drinking excessively and has also gone out and got some body piercings. He has now gone OS on a work trip and he is planning on taking the OW with him. My initial reaction to all of this was to panic! But then I asked him to move out as I couldn't have him communicate with 'her' while i am sitting opposite him on the couch. He moved out, said he was having a breakdown then went and saw a counsellor. Following this counsellor visit he says he is now fine and as far as i know he isn't returning to the counsellor. I've researching the term 'chaos kid' and this is him - he comes from a crappy family upbringing whereby his father treated his mother like a doormat and now I can see history repeating itself. Anyway I am pretty confident he is going through some form of life transformation. My question is how should I communicate with him? He has been living away from me for seven weeks and I feel like I do not know him. When I found out about him taking the other woman on his work trip I told him to think long and hard about his next move. Since then I have barely communicated with him. He has emailed me and I have replied, same for some texting but I did say in my replies that I didn't understand how he could be doing this to me, this is the worst thing he could be doing, I don't want to live without him etc. etc. I now see that this is the worst way I could have responded! Before he flew out on his work trip he sent me a text saying sorry and that he loved me. I replied saying I loved him too and that was all. Since then he has been trying to communicate with me, saying things that he would have said under 'normal' circumstances but I have ignored him. The more I have ignored him the more he seems to be reaching out. But what if I take it too far? What if he thinks i've moved on/won't ever talk to him again? I want to get through this with 'us' intact but I don't know what I should be doing right now to 'help' him. I know I need to leave him be, give him space but should I have no communication at all? I am seeing a psychologist who has advised to play it cool for a little longer. I am worried he is about to hit 'rock bottom' in a foreign country which he needs to do. I am extremely conflicted right now and your advice on communication and the extent of it would be greatly appreciated. I feel like I am running out of options... I just don't understand and of course an extremely confused
Sally, Sounds like your approach is working so I wouldn't change it. Trust the professional advice you're getting. You need him to hit rock bottom, decide he wants to change, and cry out for help, then that's the time to respond. Be patient. -Kurt
I have been married 21years this 30th. My husband is having an affair with a younger girl. He denies the whole thing tells me that i am crazy. She puts lipstick on his clothes and writes on his shirts. I believe he is going thru the midlife crisis. I am afraid of losing him. Will he get better and wants to be with us and family. I am very emotional and what can i do to help him.
Diana, I can't say what your husband will ultimately do, but I've seen a lot of men do what he's doing and later reverse course. The way you help him is by setting boundaries that communicate that you will not tolerate his cheating on you (if that's what's really going on). -Kurt
My husband and I have been married for 16 years, and together for just shy of 20 years. We were HS sweet hearts. He is in the Army, and we have been through a lot because of what being a military family entails. Late last April (2014), he came home from his last deployment. He was getting a teaching job with the Army & would not have to deploy any more. For just over a month after coming home I knew something was wrong. I asked him and he said he was "working through" some issues. I tried to just ignore my gut feeling.
On June 2, 2014, he told me he was moving out. I was shocked and asked why. I told him any issues he may be dealing with, including feeling "violated" when I initiated intimacy, I have and would continue to be patient with him while he "dealt" with it. It was then that he said he was having an affair. He had gotten her pregnant. It was another soldier who was with him on the last deployment.
He left the next morning.
Over the following two weeks I messed up (I know this now) by trying to talk sense into him. I probably only served to push him further away.
He claimed he was only leaving for the baby. It was supposedly all about his "son".
We had three daughters, and no son. He wanted one very much.
He finally came back home, supposedly leaving her, on July 27,2014. (He claimed she miscarried, but all I heard and saw has me convinced she was never pregnant.)
We have since had another child. Another baby girl. Our kids are ages 15, 13, 9, and 2 months old.
My concern lies in his attitude toward me. He never shows any affection to me. He showers it on our children. He will say "I love you" to our baby ten times, and kiss her chubby little cheeks, and hand her to me. Aside from the morning before our new baby was born, it had been 7 months since we were intimate at all. I had feared he was seeing the other woman. I had asked him where we stood in our relationship just after Christmas. He had said he loved me.... Like he would a sister. That he didn't think he could ever love me like before and he was fine with that. Seeing him show love to our children both warms my heart and tears it in two.
I want to believe he is not cheating anymore. It was something I never mention.
What gets me is that when I posted the nirth announcement on Facebook, the woman had come by and scattered pictures of the two of them across our from lawn. My 9 yr old found them, along with documents, a frying pan, and some sort of decorative letter K. It dodn't seem like something a woman who was dropped nine months prior would do. It seemed like something a woman who was just recently (very recently) might do. To my mind it showed a finality. But it poses more wuestions I don't want to ask.
I am no fool. I have always apprciated the truth - no sigar-coating, please. It may suck, but at least I wouldn't be living a lie.
My only concern is that he is going on the idea of "it's cheaper to keep her". I love him. Probably always will. But I feel like the dog that sits under the table waiting for a crumb to fall or be treated to very occasional scraps. I hate feeling this way. If he feels nothing more than platonic love for me, then what would keep him from cheating again? And what was the affection and intimacy the day before our youngest was born all about? A test? If so it seems I have failed.