Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
Part 1 of 2
Midlife crisis -- what's it really look like? We've all heard the jokes about the middle-aged man who wakes up one day and suddenly decides to radically change his life by quitting his job, buying a red sports car, and finding a new, younger wife. Or the woman who decides that she needs plastic surgery to recapture her youth, starts an affair with her yoga instructor, or begins to dress like a teenager.
Is that what a midlife crisis really looks like? Or are those exaggerated stereotypes? The truth is that a midlife crisis can look different for everyone, and not everyone goes through one. Although most people do go through a period of reflection during their middle years, that doesn’t mean it has to be an all out crisis.
So what are the real facts about midlife crisis and what's fiction? In particular, what does a midlife crisis in men most often look like? While both men and women can experience a midlife crisis, men experience them at a higher rate. For that reason we’ll take a look at some of the common characteristics of a man experiencing a midlife crisis.
Here are some descriptions of midlife crisis by a few experts:
Unfortunately, a midlife crisis can bring on a number of other issues as well. In particular, during a midlife crisis people need to be aware of symptoms in men of serious depression, such as:
Do you know a man in midlife crisis? It can be hard to tell sometimes. Often the thoughts and feelings that lead up to one quietly and slowly accumulate over time until a man is at the point of radical behavior changes because he’s feeling in crisis and doesn’t know what else to do. Sadly, the behaviors choices stemming from a midlife crisis are almost always destructive and usually lead to regrets later on.
Nevertheless, if a man you care about is experiencing a midlife crisis understand that he will most likely deny it and won’t want to talk about anything surrounding it. So you can’t take a direct approach in telling him what he’s doing wrong. You’re also most likely too close to him for him to be able to listen and believe what you're telling him is true. It’s important that you recognize your limitations because of your role in his life.
Men experiencing a midlife crisis are completely certain that the life-altering changes they’re making are necessary in order for them to be happy. This is a very selfish state, where their concern is self-focused and family and friends can become collateral damage. If this is the case then it’s a good time to get some expert guidance on how to help him. A good portion of my work in counseling men is in supporting their partners through such situations. Finding a counseling men expert to help you with midlife crisis in your man can be invaluable.
If you believe that you or someone you love is experiencing a midlife crisis you’ll need to practice a lot of patience. Midlife crises don’t resolve quickly. But with patience, understanding, love, and potentially the help of an experienced counselor they can be survived. And it’s possible for life on the other side of the crisis to be a good one.
This is the first article of two defining midlife crisis. Here's the second one: What Triggers A Midlife Crisis? Sign-up for our blog below and be sure not to miss our next article.
Source: WebMD - Midlife Crisis: Transition or Depression?
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 27, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Do people have Regrets After A Midlife Crisis? Yes, many.
One of the hardest parts of a midlife crisis is being the partner of the man in one.
Think a man in your life it going through a mid-life crisis? Learn the signs here.
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My husband was having an affair for a while but even if I noticed that his behavior was a little out of character I didn't give it too much thought because he kept doing the things and caring for me as he always did. I never would have expected his leaving and immediately move in with OW. His lack of love compassion and disregard toward me was a shock and still is.
I wish I had known more on this crisis but I didn't. He left me point blank. I have no way of talking with him because possibly ow is keeping him from talking to me. After 16 years together I have no idea what is happening with him. I'm as most people say, a beautiful Italian woman and he was so devoted to me. He has burned so many bridges since he left with family and friends. He has thrown my life upside down with this crisis. I'm working hard to keep going but I have no joy anymore. It's as if I lost one of my limbs. I love him so much and miss him terribly. It has been 15 months since he left and I'm wondering how they can cut off a woman that they supposedly loved so severely. He went to see a therapist where he would talk about me and obviously getting ready to leave. He recorded all of our arguments and his therapy session. This man I trusted so much now is a sociopath and can't reconcile who he was with who he is. I'm questioning my sanity. Is there any way in which we can effect a future reconciliation? What happens to these men's mind and personality? Unbelievable. Do they realize how much pain they're causing and do they ever have remorse or miss their spouse? Thanks for your responses.
Yes
Just "Yes"...and to which of my questions? Do you know about midlife crisis? Do you know how a man in midlife feels? I'm still standing for my spouse and it's been 2 and 1/2 years now. I pray for him daily and still love him very much. I don't think any woman will ever love him the way I do. I don't date and I'm still faithful to him but divorce may be coming soon and I don't know if I can stand after that? Still waiting for him to come to his senses but no sign of that happening for now. 🙂
Hello Lina.
I am soo sorry your life feels in such a turmoil. I am in a similar boat in many ways. My husband did not leave though... well yet. He did walk out on me 2 months ago with NO warning. Had no idea where he went. I felt physically abandoned. Tells me he loves me and continues to do hurtful, spiteful and mean things. Like you I keep loving. He takes his advice now from other women. I,like you, am inside out and upside down. How I can still love him is amazing to me. Guess that is true love. Caught him in the earliest stages of starting some sort of relationship with a woman. And I wrote her an email. It was the lover in me, I guess. I never even questioned it. And he tells me that I scared her. Heh. Isn't that a kick in the teeth after 24 years of loving him and taking care of him. I feel like I am dying inside... and he is concerned for her feelings. At that moment I realized you can love and hate someone at the same time. For in that moment, I was holding both them emotions for him. I cry and I can feel him almost smiling at my pain. So now I will try not to cry in front of him. When he is not here all bets are off. I believe crying is a way to get the pain out of you so you don't get sick. He has been like this now for almost 10 years. It is all about him. I keep hoping my man will become the person he used to be. But Lina, even if they come back... I don't think the same person will come back... nor honestly can you ever be the same towards him. It might be even better. We have to hold on to that perpective. Because what is the alternative?
I went through the same thing with my husband of 32 years he kicked me out of the family home then tried to start dating other family friends.. after a few months he started wanting me to go back to our home I did, but a few weeks later he was back to his same old self.. yelling angry, nothing I do is good.. I just cry when he is not around.. he is sweet with outsiders but I seem to bring out the anger in him.. I am contemplating leaving again as it feels like someone has pulled my heart out
My husband told me out of the blue that he didn't want to be married anymore that he just wanted to be able to do what he wanted. He said that he loved me and our three kids, but wasn't sure what it was. I did all the things I shouldn't have done, however, I ended up just letting go and telling him that if it was what he really wanted, then I would conceed. Strangely enough, he then said that our marriage was worth fighting for and proceeded to convince me to stay..... We are still working through it, however, I am still always wondering what happened. He will seem fine, and then distant again. I do see many of the symptoms of midlife crisis. I try to ignore them and support him. At times he behaves so strangely that I worry it will happen again. I don't want to feel this way all the time. Like I am on pins and needles waiting with baited breath. I have begun to go out and do my own thing. Yet, he keeps wanting me to do things with him, even though at times I believe he would rather be alone. I am having a hard time with the yo-yo feelings. Our intimate life has been better than ever, yet I become so confused when we seem so close then at odd moments I can actually see him distancing himself. I feel like I am losing my mind some days. I always thought our marriage was solid. Now I spend a lot of my time wondering if he will come home one day and just say it's over even though he has told me that he does not want it to be...... Very strange.
Donna, You're asking some good questions about what and why. You both should know the answers so that you can be sure the problem is resolved. He should talk to a counselor who knows men to learn the answers. -Kurt
My husband left in early June after a wonderful family weekend with me and our three daughters, 28, 26, 24. He is blatantly having an affair and has filed for divorce. I think he's been unhappy for awhile but is moving at rapid speed. Girls and I are devastated and are trying to move on with our lives. He says he loves me, always has. Just doesn't feel that our marriage has ever been fulfilling. We were married young and had babies right away, but I have to say we were in a good place after a few rough years. Do I stall the divorce with the hope that he will make his way back, or get it over with sooner than later?
Ann, In many states/countries divorce has a minimum time period required for completion. This is a "cooling off" period designed to allow people to really think through the life altering decision they're making. For instance, in California divorces cannot be completed in less than 6 months. I wouldn't drive the process forward unnecessarily. In my divorce counseling with couples I've seen many men change they're thinking and behavior while in this stage facing losing much more than they ever realized. -Kurt