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Irreconcilable Differences = Divorce. Really?

Dr. Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
November 9, 2011

real-differences-that-are-irreconcilable.jpgReality TV star Kim Kardashian announced last week that she has filed for divorce from her new husband, Kris Humphries, after only 72 days of marriage. Reportedly, she cited irreconcilable differences as the reason for divorce. One of the differences was suspected to be where the couple would live.

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  • How irreconcilable can differences really be after only 72 days?

  • Is 72 days really a reasonable period of time to see if differences can be resolved or compromises reached?
  • Can you honestly say that you’ve really tried to reconcile differences and you know for sure that they are truly irreconcilable differences in two months of marriage?

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Webster’s dictionary defines the word irreconcilable as meaning “impossible to reconcile” or “a member of a group opposing compromise or collaboration.”

It’s pretty common in couples counseling to hear couples say that they have irreconcilable differences or that they're no longer compatible and must divorce.

In fact, just this week during a couples counseling meeting, a guy I was counseling refused to even try to hear what his fiancée’s experience of an event was because it contradicted his experience of it. He adamantly refused to acknowledge her experience (and therefore her) because it did not match his.

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So often relationships break down because either partner, or both, refuses to practice loving behavior towards the person they say that they love (or at least once loved) -- not because of irreconcilable differences.

Couples with happy and successful relationships are the couples that have learned the invaluable skill of how to love each other even with irreconcilable differences.

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Read Comments from Others with Similar Experiences - Click 'View full post' below or scroll down

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4 comments on “Irreconcilable Differences = Divorce. Really?”

  1. “Irreconcilable differences” is just shorthand for “we messed up and shouldn’t have gotten married.” This is especially true in the short-term marriages you cite. Annulment is not an option for various reasons, so they revert to the catchall terms. It is like the “other” column in surveys. Couples counseling will not resolve this. These folks are simply stating they goofed and want to un-do the error. It has nothing to do with loving each other or being able to work through their problems.

  2. My wife and I have been married for 34 years. Honestly, it hasn't been a marriage. I knew that, but I stayed. My reason for staying was to keep both families and church fmaily happy. While keeping them happy I was suffering because I didn't want to stay in it. I cannot tell you how she feels because my wife internalizes everything and is apathetic. My wife is still living her same lifestyle as before. Meaning, tons of friends, staying on the telephone hours of the night, over-volunteering, family first, etc. I've been very patient as well as been good to my wife. Do you need references on this? I filed for divorce on July 1, 2016. I've had enough! We're not growing, we're living in a toxic environment, and we sleep in separate room, and we're not intimate. I do not want to reconcile. This is a true blessing. I could go on forever, but I won't.

    1. Allan, have you asked your wife to go to marriage counselling? Have you really tried to talk to your wife about your unhappiness? Have you tried to reconnect?
      Please don't give up. My husband has left me after 31 years and I wished he had told me how he felt. I was caught up being a mother and working full-time. I thought he was depressed but I hoped it would pass. I am devastated and so are our adult children.

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