It’s safe to say we’ve all been lied to at some point. Perhaps we’ve even done the lying ourselves once or twice, too. And we can probably agree that lies, even small ones, can be harmful – especially in a relationship.
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Recently Kate told me she's, "Fighting with my husband constantly."
"Is that normal?" she asked.
Yes and no, I told her.
Disagreements in a relationship are normal. Let’s face it, no matter how much you love someone and get along, you’re each different people with your own thoughts and opinions. In fact, that’s likely something you enjoyed about each other in the beginning.
But disagreement isn’t the same as constant fighting with your husband.
So, yes, occasional disagreements or even arguments are normal, even healthy – constant fighting isn’t.
Some partners disagree more than others. And for some those disagreements turn into arguments, which turn in to fights – regularly.
A disagreement that turns into an argument doesn't have to be bad, but when it turns into a fight, it becomes a problem.
And it's a BIG problem if you say,
I'm fighting with my husband constantly."
When Kate and her husband, Rick, met with me for marriage counseling I witnessed them fight about everything in their lives except for one thing – work.
Everything else,
was a fight to the death over who was right and who was wrong.
Is it any wonder they're both miserable in their marriage and, using their own words, both say they have a “severe and intense dislike for each other”?
When fighting with your husband is constant, hostile, and unproductive it can destroy your marriage.
Learning how to keep disagreements from turning into fights, or at least stopping at the argument level, is crucial for a healthy relationship.
When an argument devolves into a “fight” it means anger is the primary emotion being felt and expressed. This is a problem because anger overrides logic and caring and can lead to words and actions that are extremely damaging.
With anger as the driver, you’re no longer looking for a way to solve things, you’re looking for a way to hurt each other. When this happens frequently it will destroy the relationship.
Take a look at the below social media post I wrote about relationship arguments.
What’s the most important point from the post? The key to a good relationship is not avoiding arguments, but how you deal with them.
I don’t think I’ve ever met partners who enjoy fighting (not both of them anyway). Given the choice, nearly all partners say they just want peace and love (maybe not those exact words).
But for some couples it certainly seems like there’s more effort put into the fight than into keeping the peace.
So much so, in fact, that many couples fail to see what constant fighting is doing to them individually, as well as to their relationship and family.
On an individual level, constantly fighting with your husband will begin to seep out of the relationship and invade other aspects of your life. Eventually you could become someone who’s:
Not flattering, is it?
And no, you’re not the exception.
Constant, unresolved anger is like sand – it gets everywhere. You’ll be finding grains of it in unwanted places for ages.
It also has detrimental consequences for your family. Research shows that children in homes with constant fighting are plagued with a number of social, behavioral, and educational problems.
Among them are:
These are just a few of the areas that can be affected.
It should also be noted that children learn conflict resolution from watching their parents. And no matter how you instruct them, they will eventually do what you do, not what you say.
As for your marriage, the problems are clear.
Constant fighting with your husband will take you down the same path as Kate and Rick, right to that place of “severe and intense dislike” for one another.
The good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way.
Healthy, successful marriages don't avoid conflict, and the disagreements and arguments that come with it. The partners in them have learned how to disagree and work through it without letting the conflict escalate to a fight or turn into verbal abuse.
In the rare instances when it does approach a fighting level, both partner’s recognize it and do something to reduce the conflict, like stepping away and seeking some cooling off time.
There are a variety of other ways to handle anger as well.
In a successful relationship each person will know what way works best for them, as well as their partner's preferred coping mechanism, and will respect their need to use it.
Another important point from the social media post: You win relationship arguments when you're mature enough to choose the relationship over being right.
A fear for many partners is that if they do this it will mean -
This then becomes a power struggle within the relationship, with each partner wanting to assert themselves and be in control.
This fear is an obstacle for Rick. He's afraid if he doesn't fight with his wife (on everything) he'll always be wrong and thus be powerless.
This isn’t true at all.
Here's the secret Rick is missing – when you practice choosing the relationship over being right you'll find you have fewer arguments. And when you do, your partner will probably choose the relationship over being right too.
Win-win.
I've seen many wives fight with their husbands for the same reason - needing to always be right (or more accurately, never be wrong).
So, it's important to note that either sex, male or female, can do this.
See how needing to be right can turn into emotional abuse?
Fighting between husbands and wives can occur for more reasons than just needing to be right though. The psychological causes for this, however, aren't as important as just recognizing how destructive fighting is for the relationship.
If we all can hold on to the truth that 'immature' people choose being right even at the cost of the relationship, while 'mature' people will be wrong if necessary in order to keep the relationship, we're likely to choose to be mature and find more happiness and satisfaction in our relationship.
An added bonus is that we will be more successful on other topics:
Will you choose to be 'mature' or 'immature' in your next argument?
Fighting with your husband constantly is unhealthy and will destroy your marriage.
When you choose the relationship over the need to be right you may be surprised at the positive changes in your relationship and life that will result.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 07, 2014, updated on July 3, 2018, July 5, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
It’s safe to say we’ve all been lied to at some point. Perhaps we’ve even done the lying ourselves once or twice, too. And we can probably agree that lies, even small ones, can be harmful – especially in a relationship.
Does the Communication In Your Marriage Need To Improve? Learn 5 key strategies to Improving Communication in any Marriage (or relationship).
What happens when There’s Lack Of Communication In A Relationship? See some real examples of Lack Of Communication In Relationships and why it happens.
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My husband and I fight all the time. He will say something then leave the room or walk outside so I have to follow him to respond. Often I don't because that's not the behavior of someone trying to resolve an issue. I can't criticize him or bring up problems, he doesn't want to hear it. He will ignore me. I can't get him to sit down to do budgets or planning or even to review expenses, he says it's a waste of time. It took me threatening divorce to het him to have a 30 minutes family meeting so we could work on issues. Previously, he refused to have meetings, he still does. If he won't even sit down to talk and work it out how can we ever get through our problems? He is waaayyy passive aggressive and acts so petty and childish. Once he threw away a meal outside. I slept on the couch once and didn't turn off my alarm. He acted a fool and turned on all the lights, tv, making noise, etc. I have asked him of we could just set aside 15 mins a week to talk about issues. I have tried asking if he could do it on the weekend. Or of he could take the time after dinner before he vegs out on the couch watching tv ams then falling asleep. Nope. And this has been happening for years. Trying to have a conversation to work through problems or escalating to having a mediator if necessary shouldn't be a fight if both people are truly willing to work on the relationship.
Before my husband leaves for work he tries to start a fight with me. At first I didn't notice the pattern but now I see that it is happening before he goes to work. How can I get him to stop taking out his frustration or stress on me? I have tried going out at the time before he starts work but I would like to change the disrespectful behaviour completely. I feel like he is using me as an emotional punching bag. If I express my anger at him doing this, he then blames me and says I am the one starting the arguments?
Tahlia, That's great you figured out a pattern in his behavior. Read the other articles in the Anger Management section for more information about getting help and what you can do about it. - Dr. Kurt
Great post , it's very knowledgeable blog, thank you for sharing the nice points.
Amen. DO NOT get married because how the other person is now in the long distance or out of it or both WILL NOT change right away or at all and YOU NEED the first few years of marriage to be good. GET OUT now!!!!!!!!!! I am living proof GOD can but WILL CHOOSE NOT TO make it good the minute or even half a year at this point because you trust Him and get married. Especially if the other person isn't healthy in all areas and you are being pressured or pressuring yourself. YOU WILL suffer. This has caused me to completey doubt God and His love for me. I trusted God and got burned because my wife will not change until I do fully and I'm not God and not that strong. Toxic Now = (times a billion) Toxic Forever even with trusting God.
Not helpful and not necessarily true. I have tried this. My spouse is a sociopath. Your article assumes somewhere in there, there's mutual respect. When one person has an ASPD, everything is fine as long as they are always getting their own way, aren't asked to compromise, and aren't asked to think about others, because they can't. I don't know how many more days I can go with one day, him saying he appreciates how much we spend on his hobbies and I forgo, and the next day he's screeching because he's de codes he must have a $1200 motorcycle. Now. This second. And the mortgage be damned. We have tried budgeting together, he's not interested. He gets $70 a week to spend how he likes, plus usually another $20-300 in side job money, plus anything else we agree together. He got over $500 in 2 weeks. That's almost a whole paycheck. But he yells at me and doesn't understand where the money goes. Uh you. It goes to you. I gave him a breakdown and we have a breakdown of montly expenses he can look at any time. He said he wont. Must be nice to love like you're a baller and blame it on someone else. He agreed that we could get tickets to my favorite band for our 5 year anniversary in 2 months. I got the worst seats and cheapest tickets. It was $200 total with fees. He's thrown that in my face 3 times in 3 days about he didn't agree to spending it all at once and he thought we could make payments. What? You don't "make payments" on concert tickets. It would be ok to spend $1200 today on a motorcycle though. Now im so upset i dont even think I'm going to be able to enjoy myself knowing that he blames his loss of getting a motorcycle on a whim on me getting concert tickets. He thinks I'm the controlling one, but I see it's him. I have to explain every purchase to him, even if it comes out of my allowance, but he hides all the money he makes on the side and stuff because it's "Ok" since I take all his money and he "doesn't know where it goes." He "pays for all our bills" nevermind I only make about $8k less than he does, but I carry all the benefits. All my money, including that of my side job, goes to our bills and joint purchases. I hide none and I am fair about it. Any purchases made not from allowance are either for home like food, trash bags, pet food, or it's a purchase agreed on together. He even wanted curtains and so I ordered ones online on clearance. He saw the packages come in the mail and even helped hang 5hem, but all I've heard for 2 weeks is about how "all these packages came in the mail." I'm going fricking crazy.