What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
A common complaint I hear in counseling men is that there's no sex in marriage. If you're one of those guys who has a marriage without sex, I've got some good news. Women complain about no sex in marriage too. Check out "My Husband Won't Have Sex with Me" for one example.
It may be surprising to learn that more wives than not want to have sex with their husbands. That certainly goes against what many of the guys I work with believe regarding their marriages, especially the ones who say they have no sex in their marriage. It’s true though.
It may be really hard for some men to believe, but most women enjoy and want sex as much as they do. They just want more than a quick, physical interaction. It’s a myth that women don’t like sex, or that after marriage and kids they’re no longer interested. The truth is that it’s easy for both partners to get lazy and forget that sex is about more than just the act. Women in particular are looking for more to the experience than just the physical, and can become disinterested when it’s a matter of just sex with very little emotional connection. Of course, they also play a role in that as well.
More proof can be found at iVillage, an online community for women, in their 2012 Married Sex Survey; a poll of the sex lives of 1,001 wives ages 18-49. The results will be shocking if you're in a marriage with no intimacy.
Here's the REALLY GOOD NEWS for men:
So what is a man to do when he feels trapped in a marriage with no sex? Well, to begin with, talking and connecting with his wife is a good start. Before you can start complaining about the lack of sex in your marriage you really need to give some thought to whether the effort you’re making is right and enough. Understanding what your wife wants and how she feels about your sex life is key. She bears responsibility here too though - a happy and healthy sex life is a two-way street.
In addition, there are some specific things that women commonly respond to when it comes to generating interest in sex.
What helps to get women in the mood for sex? Here are some of the key components that women have cited.
What can husbands do with this info if they're in a marriage without sex? Communicating with her and creating a more intimate and personal connection is the biggest, and most beneficial thing they can do. Below are three specific actions you can begin to do right now that will help get her in the mood.
No sex in marriage is no fun and not particularly healthy. Now we know that's true for both husbands and wives. The best news of all is that you can do something to change a marriage with no intimacy.
Stop right now and think of 1 thing you can do from the above list that wives say they want. Guys, let's stop complaining about no sex in marriage and start doing something about it.
What else can you do? Take our Partner Rater Quiz and get more ideas about how you can change a marriage without sex and love.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Feb 24, 2012. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
Hi everyone, I feel I have lived in a “never-world” for so many years (I’m with my sweetheart now), and thought all my thoughts and emotions were unnormal, I mean I like me bunches, but always unsure of my actions and feelings, so these past years (with my sweetheart), since I was 64 and now 69, I realize more and more I’m quite normal. And reading everyone of your comments, I realize not being able to get the sex feeling is very normal. I love my sweetheart so much, and he likewise, neither of us can get our body hunger back, and we both love being so close, I’m just so very glad that all that happens to you and to me is “unfortunately part of being more ‘eye opening’ experience and in my case breaking down of youth within my body”, but all in all we have to find our way to better circumstances to give us all that renewed life of Happiness. This is only what I believe.. (Also Christian)
If I read one more article or hear one more person assume men don't do house hold activities ie cleaning, look after the children, don't leave little sweet messages, give them special little gifts, don't compliment them and all not just to get sex but simply because they love and adore their beautiful partner I will scream. How dare you assume this is the problem, its all so easy to blame the husband for being a lousy partner. I fully accept things change and I also accept you cant make someone make love. Try this, I have always been involved with our children, cook, clean and interested and involved with my beautiful wifes life and still work a demanding job and later lose that due to an accident and take over the house as the Home Dad. I still was the romantic one and committed all to Us. WE have been together for 35 years and love each other. WE have a had a great deal of challenges and sadness that my wife chose to take it out on our sex life. Try being understanding for year after year. I know it was tough, I was there too.I also know I am not always easy to be with, I can be intense and frustrated with what has happened but that doesn't mean I am always miserable and it doesn't mean my partner is perfect, we all have issues that can be challenging in relationships. I never let it change the way I feel about my partner. So when you suggest do the dishes, give her a compliment etc it shows this approach needs reviewing. I know many men who are amazing Dads and partners and do more than their so called fair share, they just do it. They also want to have sex because they love and adore their partner. It's not all about the act of sex, its about romance, affection, bonding and making love from time to time to enjoy the closeness and have fun together. Instead there is an ultimatum, NO SEX! but you have to commit to everything else. So its a choice, it feels like it was taken away to hurt you. Try feeling happy about it try not getting up set and have it control your waking thoughts. Try going to a Therapist who decides your partner needs more support because you were able to express your feeling so you can wait your a big enough and old enough to cope alone. 12 months later all you get is confirmation its over because a therapist supports her demands. NO Compromise. Where should I go now?, do the dishes, smile sweetly and say "That's a lovely wind cheater I can't see any of your shape" I adore and love my wife and see that she has many wonderful qualities beyond sex none the less I would much prefer to have a sexual relationship. All these modern excuses of time poor, depression and this and that are fair enough but when you are happy and enjoying life and still choose to push away from romance where does the loving partner go??? Try a new perspective please. There are many who are suffering because of this ongoing attitude. Apologies if this sounds harsh but I am so fed up with people who take sides.
My relationship is good with my lady with the exception that I feel very inadequate because her ex was black and i have a hard time trying to live up to those expectations and most of the time don't because i never can get an erection much less perform
My wife and I have been married for over 41 years. We've only known each other sexually. We both lost our virginity about 5 months after we got engaged. It was fun and exciting and we had sex 2 or 3 times a week, but stopped about a month before we got married. It was a mutual agreement. The first week of marriage was very good and we had sex 3 times, but it tapered off quickly after that. We had sex 3 or 4 times a month. As time went on, it was even less.
We had three kids by 9 years into the marriage. After that, it really dropped to once or twice a month. She either wasn't in the mood, or tired or just didn't want to have sex. It wasn't because I wasn't helping around the house or with the kids. There was one year about 15 years into our marriage where we only had sex twice. I couldn't figure out why. My wife is seven years younger than me so she was in her 30's at the time. I thought women were usually very sexual at that age.
One of the problems we encountered was our work schedules. I was a teacher that worked days and she was a waitress that worked from 4 PM to midnight. She worked about 4 or 5 days a week and sometimes on weekends. I always made sure things were in order around the house. I understand her work hours were a big part of the problem, but maybe I didn't understand enough. I never withheld sex from her, though I can't say the same for her.
She later took a day job running a hot lunch program in a parochial school. We were home together more after that, but it really didn't make a difference in our sex life. I think it was 6 or 7 times a year after that. As our kids got older and in high school, I thought things would change, but they didn't.
About three and a half years ago, I sat down and talked to my wife and told I felt empty and missed our talks and intimacy. I told her I felt we were two ships passing in the night. She felt the same way and we decided to make Sunday morning our time, since we went to church on Saturday. It was great having our conversations and then usually getting intimate. We would role play which would make it more enjoyable. But, about 3 years ago, I was diagnosed with prostate cancer. That was a blow. But I was very lucky having the doctors I had because they ran me through a battery of tests and found it was a very aggressing cancer. I had surgery on Sept 19, 2017 and all the cancer was removed. The down side was that nerves had to be cut causing me to lose the ability to get an erection normally. (I hope I'm not giving TMI). Two months after the surgery, my urologist prescribed a pump with bands. I practiced for a month and on one Saturday morning, I asked my wife if she'd like to resume our Sunday morning rendezvous. It wasn’t like we weren’t having our talks anymore. She stared at me (which seemed like forever) and said, "if you want too." I could tell by her look and tone she wasn't interested. I thought about it a lot that day and realized that she really hadn't been into our Sunday morning rendezvous for a while. It started to eat at me. When I woke on Sunday morning, I got up and started getting dressed. My wife said, "I thought you wanted to try the pump today." I told her I changed my mind and we'd try it another time. Maybe I shouldn't have done that, but I truly was not in the mood.
About a month later we got into a discussion about something and I told her how she hurt my feelings that day with her attitude. She started yelling at me on how I hurt her feelings by even thinking of having sex on such short notice! WTH???? Short notice?? She told me if I wanted sex on Sunday morning I'd have to let her know by Thursday so she could work it into her schedule! WOW!! What a kick in the stomach. Just a note here: I refer to myself as #10. Our 3 grown children, 5 granddaughters and job seem to come before me.
I have talked to her about wanting more intimacy and that I'd go as far as giving my self-injections so we could have sex. She just smiled and at me and said, "you just don't realize that you and I are on opposite ends of he spectrum when it comes to sex!" WOW! Another kick in the stomach. She just had a checkup with her OBGYN and was asked how long since she's had sex. She thought about it and said, "almost two and a half years." Her Dr. looked at her and said after a long pause, "oh." When she told me this, it didn't seem to bother her.
To add the icing on the cake, we were having another "discussion" recently and her one comment to me was, "it's not my job to make you happy!" That was a blow below the belt. I thought part of being married was to try to make your spouse happy. I'm really thinking about leaving even though she says she loves me. I told her I didn't believe her. As I think about it, I think she loves me, but is not in love with me. It really hurts. I have never cheated on her, though she has a very bad jealous streak. It cost her a friend because she came into a room at a party where two other men and I were talking to her friend and she "jokingly" asked what was going on with her and me. Her friend took it seriously and that was the end of their friendship. I guess what really bothers me the most is that we don't hold hands, hug each other, say I love you, or even kiss anymore. We don’t really have that many conversations anymore. I'm just empty inside right now. I know two and a half years doesn't compare to what some people are going through, but I'm at a loss.
Before someone says anything, since I m retired and she is still working, I take care of the cooking, cleaning and laundry. She doesn’t have to worry about anything.