What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Physical intimacy and sex are important components of a healthy marriage. They‘re also an area that can easily break down, and even become nearly non-existent for some couples. Problems maintaining a fulfilling sex life aren’t uncommon and couples frequently seek help for dealing with them. Whether it’s a husband who’s complaining his wife won’t initiate sex, or a wife who says, "my husband won’t have sex with me," lack of intimacy in the relationship can cause big problems.
We recently had a reader write in who was experiencing precisely these kinds of issues. She said her husband had lost interest and no longer wanted to have sex with her. Below you can see her question and my answer when she wrote in and said her husband won’t have sex with her.
Reader Question:
My husband won't have sex with me. We have been married almost 4 years now and he is bi-polar and a type 1 diabetic. When we were dating our relationship was top notch! We would make love and have lots of foreplay! He even made me O without even having sex. But once we moved in together things went down hill...1st I dealt with him being domestically violent and controlling but I put my foot down and said something had to change or I was gone, he got help and on bi-polar meds and he stopped being violent. Though in spite of the improvement, his interest in sex has just kept decreasing...and when we do have sex it is no foreplay or his interest literally dies...I have tried lingerie, hints, waking him up to sexual favors and even straight out saying I want you now!...sometimes I will get a 'let me take some insulin and gimme an hour' or 'I'm too busy.' I am lucky if I get it 3 times a month! Now this is hard on me because I am very sexual (only 25) and I feel he should be (only 29!!) yet foreplay is gone, I can not remember my last orgasm...and when I do get sex it is him pounding away for 1-15 minutes and then I am left wanting more and all he wants to do is return to the PC or cuddle...yet he says me playing with myself, in his words "feels like you're cheating" what am I supposed to do? I am devoted to him and refuse to cheat, yet I feel ugly and lonely when I am left feeling so much desire for him and not seeing him desire me at all...he is not cheating, but my husband won't make love to me either...any ideas what we can do?" -Ellen H.
Ellen is in a difficult position. Sadly, there are many couples who find themselves in very similar situations. When one partner is more interested in maintaining an intimate life than the other, it can change the dynamic in a relationship and lead to resentment, dissatisfaction and conflict.
My Answer:
Your statement that "my husband won't have sex with me" shows that complaining for more sex can come from a wife just as much as from a husband.
Volumes have been written about the importance of sexual intimacy in a relationship. The consensus is that in order for a relationship to be happy and healthy, both partners need to feel satisfied and that their needs are being respected and met. For most people this means finding an agreeable compromise.
No two people want the same thing all the time. Understanding this in a romantic relationship is crucial. That means sometimes intimacy is just cuddling, sometimes it’s sex, and sometimes it’s agreeing that you’re both tired and you’ll have some fun another time.
The need for physical and sexual intimacy can’t be ignored. It creates a level of bonding and trust that goes beyond the day-to-day companionship. And, for most partners, sexual satisfaction is something that they enjoy and want to experience with the person that’s most important in their lives.
If the sexual intimacy in your relationship has faded, or you’re saying "my husband won’t have sex with me” then there may be issues that need to be addressed. Although it can be normal for a relationship to go through a dry spell and as we age to slow down, maintaining an intimate bond with your partner is part of what builds longevity in a relationship.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 18, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
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Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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That actually, has proved to not be the best for me. I had already visited those sites, specifically. Ill just keep praying for Gods leading. Thanks for responding to my question. - Sarah
My husband stopped having sex with me after I discovered inappropriate conversations he was having with a much younger co worker. Before he stopped I had been able to smell the other woman on his "twig& berry's". Ling story short, I can never prove anything and I've got something seriously wrong with me when I bring up his infidelities.
I have not had sex in 9 years. I'm 44. I've hit an all time low now. We've talked about it and he has all kinds of excuses, including my appearance. Why doesn't he just ask me for a divorce? I worked full time and taught 8 fitness classes each work week. I did that for over 6 years to attempt to be more attractive to him. I had a tummy tuck and a breast enlargement. Nothing works. Now that im at rock bottom I no longer care about anything. I've gained weight because I quit both of my jobs. He does not want me to work. Or to even really leave the house because he's afraid I'll get into a car accident. I've stopped exercising, started drinking, don't dress up anymore and don't wear make up. What's the point anymore? I have no friends or family. He dislikes my entire family and always intimidates any friends I make. Tonight I finally just snapped and began crying hard. When I told him I missed him intimately and I need him. That he doesn't understand the impact its having on me. He got really pissed and told me there are more important things that I should be focused on. Like cooking, cleaning, ironing his clothes managing the finances. He stormed off & went to bed. I've tried everything over the years and I just don't know what to do. I'm trapped. I have no where to go and no money to support myself. I feel like I'm at the end, backed into a corner. He won't go to counseling with me. He said no man will have me and I will never find one as good as him so I should just move out if I'm so unhappy. he knows I can't because I would be on the street. I'm trying to get a job, but still nothing. What can I do? Why do I still love him so much? He is right, no man would be interested in me now.
This may sound harsh but you sound too ideal. Go out there and get a man to give it to you real good. When a man is distracted at home,he's actually attracted to another woman somewhere. Men are sexual animals,so it's highly possible he's catching his fun elsewhere. Get a life,dust your panties or get new exciting ones,hit the street,there's a guy out there waiting to blow your mind. My mum would always say "for every woman,there's a man. Stop chasing the shadow. Enjoy your life. You only live once.
I am 40 and hubby is 50.we will be married in Oct for 2 yrs but we haven't had sex in yr. I even walked around naked in front of him and tell him what I need. What do I do? The one time I tell him I need him sexual he tells me no and had plans to go to gun range with friend. He tells me what if he showed up while we were doing sex. He said he have to quit when his friend got there so we didn't have sex. Feel unloved and unwanted what do I do.
Kurt is there anyway a man can increase his libido my husband says he wants to have sex but has no desire to the point he won't even try so how do you fix the no desire or libido??? Sound like a lot of people have the same problem after 43 years of a very good relationship how can that just turn off in a day, i just feel alone when he's sitting in the same room he won't even look at me anymore with out clothes on I feel like I'm living with someone I don't know anymore.
Yes, Deb, men can turn their libido back on. And I don't believe it just shuts off one day - we just finally notice it one day. There are most likely contributing factors to his loss of sex drive that he's not aware of and he needs a professional counselor to help him figure them out. -Kurt