What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Physical intimacy and sex are important components of a healthy marriage. They‘re also an area that can easily break down, and even become nearly non-existent for some couples. Problems maintaining a fulfilling sex life aren’t uncommon and couples frequently seek help for dealing with them. Whether it’s a husband who’s complaining his wife won’t initiate sex, or a wife who says, "my husband won’t have sex with me," lack of intimacy in the relationship can cause big problems.
We recently had a reader write in who was experiencing precisely these kinds of issues. She said her husband had lost interest and no longer wanted to have sex with her. Below you can see her question and my answer when she wrote in and said her husband won’t have sex with her.
Reader Question:
My husband won't have sex with me. We have been married almost 4 years now and he is bi-polar and a type 1 diabetic. When we were dating our relationship was top notch! We would make love and have lots of foreplay! He even made me O without even having sex. But once we moved in together things went down hill...1st I dealt with him being domestically violent and controlling but I put my foot down and said something had to change or I was gone, he got help and on bi-polar meds and he stopped being violent. Though in spite of the improvement, his interest in sex has just kept decreasing...and when we do have sex it is no foreplay or his interest literally dies...I have tried lingerie, hints, waking him up to sexual favors and even straight out saying I want you now!...sometimes I will get a 'let me take some insulin and gimme an hour' or 'I'm too busy.' I am lucky if I get it 3 times a month! Now this is hard on me because I am very sexual (only 25) and I feel he should be (only 29!!) yet foreplay is gone, I can not remember my last orgasm...and when I do get sex it is him pounding away for 1-15 minutes and then I am left wanting more and all he wants to do is return to the PC or cuddle...yet he says me playing with myself, in his words "feels like you're cheating" what am I supposed to do? I am devoted to him and refuse to cheat, yet I feel ugly and lonely when I am left feeling so much desire for him and not seeing him desire me at all...he is not cheating, but my husband won't make love to me either...any ideas what we can do?" -Ellen H.
Ellen is in a difficult position. Sadly, there are many couples who find themselves in very similar situations. When one partner is more interested in maintaining an intimate life than the other, it can change the dynamic in a relationship and lead to resentment, dissatisfaction and conflict.
My Answer:
Your statement that "my husband won't have sex with me" shows that complaining for more sex can come from a wife just as much as from a husband.
Volumes have been written about the importance of sexual intimacy in a relationship. The consensus is that in order for a relationship to be happy and healthy, both partners need to feel satisfied and that their needs are being respected and met. For most people this means finding an agreeable compromise.
No two people want the same thing all the time. Understanding this in a romantic relationship is crucial. That means sometimes intimacy is just cuddling, sometimes it’s sex, and sometimes it’s agreeing that you’re both tired and you’ll have some fun another time.
The need for physical and sexual intimacy can’t be ignored. It creates a level of bonding and trust that goes beyond the day-to-day companionship. And, for most partners, sexual satisfaction is something that they enjoy and want to experience with the person that’s most important in their lives.
If the sexual intimacy in your relationship has faded, or you’re saying "my husband won’t have sex with me” then there may be issues that need to be addressed. Although it can be normal for a relationship to go through a dry spell and as we age to slow down, maintaining an intimate bond with your partner is part of what builds longevity in a relationship.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 18, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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So sad and frustrated right now. My husband and I have been married for only a little over a year but have been together for over 3 years... He is very sweet and we get along well but he can be a little and rejects me alot physically.. He doesn't call em names or anything but he is very evasive and turns me down when I try to be sexual with him. He says it's a turn off or he's tired. It just makes me feel unattractive or just that he is not really interested in being sexual with me until he wants it which is bi weekly..... And not enough... I feel unattractive and undesired... I don't know what to do.. We've sat down talked about it and said we'd try different things and then he reneges of course. Not sure what to do....... 🙁
I have been married to a man for twelve years with no sex. Before we got married we had hot, wild sex. Then his parents passed away. We had sex one last time, and since that time, we haven't had sex since. Not in the twelve years that we have been married once. We went to a urologist who said he had ED. They prescribed viagara which did not help, so the doctor gave him levitra. Levitra worked a little better, but not much better. We were going to a marriage counselor at the time. The marriage counselor wanted us to do a touching exercise, but without sex. We were both too frustrated and did not really want to do the exercise. He told me then that he thought that the marriage counselor was siding with me, and was against him, and that if we continued to see him we would end up getting divorced. He made up stop seeing the marriage counselor and well as stop seeing the urologist. I honestly think cialis could have been the answer but I will never know because he did not want to try and continue with the treatments. I wanted to have a child. When I married him I was 41. Now I am 52 going on 53. I read internet stuff about women my age having children. But he won't give me any sex. He has no interest, and for the past five years, he has been sleeping on the couch. HELP!!
I am so in love with my husband. we have been married for two years and together for almost six. he treats me good and has never hurt me with his hands or his words. so I fill so bad when I think about the fact that he does not touch me. sense we married we have had sex three times. we never have had a crazy sex life. he has had problems with ED. so after we married I encouraged him to go to the doctor and get some pills to help. the pills made him dizzy and he would get a headache. so we went back and they gave him something different. I spent close to 400 getting the prescription and was excitied that I would get to have sex about 24 times in the near future. well that was over a year ago and he has not used the first pill.
I am so sad when I think about it. it makes me feel gross and unwanted. I came home early from an appointment the other day with the kids and something seemed weird,like I had enterupted something. later that night I check the computer history and he been looking at porn when ever I am not home. now I really feel like something is wrong with me and it makes me really sad and hurt.
I see from countless sites that guys do this a lot. I can also take care of my own needs I just prefer to share that with the man that I am madly in love with. sense I have been with him I have known true love and never been so loved but, I guess in order to see a rainbow you have to weather the storm. I have no one to talk to about this and I don't want to fight with him about it. if he is going to do this my feelings will not change for him so guess I will have to deal with it. does anyone know why these guys all prefer porn to a real women? I have needs . I have never loved someone so much or felt so lonely in my life.
Hi Kurt, I live in Auburn, Ca. Do you have any recomendations for Christian based, sex addiction counseling, that "does" have a sliding scale? Specifically, looking to fallow the grieve first, forgive second model. Thanks so much!
Sarah,
The best way to find a local counselor would be to visit Goodtherapy.org or PsychologyToday.com.
We would be happy to help you and may be your best option because of our specialties. We do offer phone and virtual counseling for people who cannot physically come in to our office. About a third of our clients choose to meet this way, so it's pretty normal, and comfortable and easy once you give it a try.
If you'd like more information on our services, I'd be happy to provide.
~ Melissa
Office Manager at Guy Stuff Counseling