What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Physical intimacy and sex are important components of a healthy marriage. They‘re also an area that can easily break down, and even become nearly non-existent for some couples. Problems maintaining a fulfilling sex life aren’t uncommon and couples frequently seek help for dealing with them. Whether it’s a husband who’s complaining his wife won’t initiate sex, or a wife who says, "my husband won’t have sex with me," lack of intimacy in the relationship can cause big problems.
We recently had a reader write in who was experiencing precisely these kinds of issues. She said her husband had lost interest and no longer wanted to have sex with her. Below you can see her question and my answer when she wrote in and said her husband won’t have sex with her.
Reader Question:
My husband won't have sex with me. We have been married almost 4 years now and he is bi-polar and a type 1 diabetic. When we were dating our relationship was top notch! We would make love and have lots of foreplay! He even made me O without even having sex. But once we moved in together things went down hill...1st I dealt with him being domestically violent and controlling but I put my foot down and said something had to change or I was gone, he got help and on bi-polar meds and he stopped being violent. Though in spite of the improvement, his interest in sex has just kept decreasing...and when we do have sex it is no foreplay or his interest literally dies...I have tried lingerie, hints, waking him up to sexual favors and even straight out saying I want you now!...sometimes I will get a 'let me take some insulin and gimme an hour' or 'I'm too busy.' I am lucky if I get it 3 times a month! Now this is hard on me because I am very sexual (only 25) and I feel he should be (only 29!!) yet foreplay is gone, I can not remember my last orgasm...and when I do get sex it is him pounding away for 1-15 minutes and then I am left wanting more and all he wants to do is return to the PC or cuddle...yet he says me playing with myself, in his words "feels like you're cheating" what am I supposed to do? I am devoted to him and refuse to cheat, yet I feel ugly and lonely when I am left feeling so much desire for him and not seeing him desire me at all...he is not cheating, but my husband won't make love to me either...any ideas what we can do?" -Ellen H.
Ellen is in a difficult position. Sadly, there are many couples who find themselves in very similar situations. When one partner is more interested in maintaining an intimate life than the other, it can change the dynamic in a relationship and lead to resentment, dissatisfaction and conflict.
My Answer:
Your statement that "my husband won't have sex with me" shows that complaining for more sex can come from a wife just as much as from a husband.
Volumes have been written about the importance of sexual intimacy in a relationship. The consensus is that in order for a relationship to be happy and healthy, both partners need to feel satisfied and that their needs are being respected and met. For most people this means finding an agreeable compromise.
No two people want the same thing all the time. Understanding this in a romantic relationship is crucial. That means sometimes intimacy is just cuddling, sometimes it’s sex, and sometimes it’s agreeing that you’re both tired and you’ll have some fun another time.
The need for physical and sexual intimacy can’t be ignored. It creates a level of bonding and trust that goes beyond the day-to-day companionship. And, for most partners, sexual satisfaction is something that they enjoy and want to experience with the person that’s most important in their lives.
If the sexual intimacy in your relationship has faded, or you’re saying "my husband won’t have sex with me” then there may be issues that need to be addressed. Although it can be normal for a relationship to go through a dry spell and as we age to slow down, maintaining an intimate bond with your partner is part of what builds longevity in a relationship.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 18, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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I am desperate,
I have been married for 2 years, together for 3.
one week before Xmas , after an argument, my husband told me that we were over, that I pushed him to the edge with my pression to work on the house and things that I have told him that we should end our relationship. I felt without my head at the moment. I left everything in my country to live with him and live for him. I always worked and list my job for 5 months did not work, he says that He put all his money on us and he has no money now, I tried to be the perfect wife, cooking, cleaning, happy. but bad things I have done were more important.
we were not having sex for 3 months when I tried he was tired and went to watch tv or play on his phone.
one week after he screams at me saying we were over, I going out he was interested in someone from his work and he went to see her in her house.
his clothes priced me that he was having more than kisses with her.
unfortunately , he said that he can't have sec with me anymore because I told so much S*** that he can't.
he says that I am the most beautiful girl he has ever seen.
after found his afford out I still wanted to talk to him but, he does not want. he keeps saying that he tried to make me see I was wrong but just now I want to change. I told him to do counseling but he asked me if I think it would save our relationship, I said yes. and he said NO.
I am sleeping in another room, but don't know if should leave his house. wait, or wait until he takes the decision.
the fact is that I don't know , he is still home, talks to me. but does not tell me to work on our relationship.
when I tried to ask him if he wants divorce, he said that he does not want. I asked are we going to, he says that would be better for us.
it hurts so much because all I did was pressure him to growth, house, school and etc...
Julian, Staying or leaving is a decision only you can make. If he is unwilling to go to counseling, go without him. In my experience, the other spouse ends up wanting to come once they see positive changes in their partners. -Kurt
Am In. A sexless marriage for nearly 3 years. I have been married for nearly 3 years, I have had sex twice while Ben married there's no intimacy no love no fun no passion nothing. Yes he lost his job just after we got married but he's in one now. I feel so alone. I have told him how he makes me feel he just says sorry and does nothing about it. I even got dressed up and he flatly turned me down I said that he made feel degraded his response I don't ask you to do it. Am sick of things all been one sided
My partner and i have been together 7 years we have four children the youngest is nearly 3. I told my partner i wanted another baby and was getting off contraception which he was all fine with. This was 18 months ago & since i got it out we have been lucky to have sex twice!! He blames it on me saying that you stopped having conception even though he told me we could have another child. I feel so unloved and hurt and when i say something about the way i feel he just ignores me. He doesnt spend time with me or our children anymore hes at work 5 days a week then when he gets home he has tea then falls asleep on the lounge. Weekends he is either out side all day taking no notice of us or he says he is going out and will be back soon and doesn't get back until late of the night when me and the kids r already in bed asleep . I dont know what to do anymore i love him so much but feel i am still young (24) and need to still feel loved and wanted
KC, It sounds as though he isn't ready for another child, and there may be more going on. Maybe go back on contraception, so he isn't worried about that. Then you guys can work on the other issues. -Kurt
I can truly empathize with all of you. I've been there, done that, still doing it and I'm going to have to say that in many of your cases, though I may be wrong but I'm going to say it anyway...I strongly suspect porn addiction. My husband, for 22 yrs, had a whole hidden second life revolving around porn addiction and sex addiction..all the while explaining to me how he had no sex drive or that I was not attractive or, or, or. He had a million excuses for not having sex with me, or even noticing me as a woman. After 22 yrs all was revealed. Porn, secret phone, bank account, other women. He was an absolute expert at hiding all of this on top of gaslighting and manipulating me. He has ED from his addiction and even with help he prefers the fantasy world to the real one. He doesn't find me attractive due to his vast fantasy library in his head even without the porn..and you never know if they've actually stopped, if they're actually ever in recovery. So here I am, 47, always did the right thin g, remained faithful, suffered through the celibacy.. and I mean suffered. I am not leaving and I have my reasons..but if I had known 20 yrs ago what I know now, I would've left. Ladies, a husband refusing sex has nothing to do with your weight, physical fitness level, lingerie etc. There is something else very wrong going on there and it most likely has absolutely nothing to do with you.
Your husband bends u over an treats u like a common whore...just a hole to unload in. Thats not love or affection.He is just using you for his own gratification. You should pack your bags an RUN. You deserve better. Everyone does.