What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Physical intimacy and sex are important components of a healthy marriage. They‘re also an area that can easily break down, and even become nearly non-existent for some couples. Problems maintaining a fulfilling sex life aren’t uncommon and couples frequently seek help for dealing with them. Whether it’s a husband who’s complaining his wife won’t initiate sex, or a wife who says, "my husband won’t have sex with me," lack of intimacy in the relationship can cause big problems.
We recently had a reader write in who was experiencing precisely these kinds of issues. She said her husband had lost interest and no longer wanted to have sex with her. Below you can see her question and my answer when she wrote in and said her husband won’t have sex with her.
Reader Question:
My husband won't have sex with me. We have been married almost 4 years now and he is bi-polar and a type 1 diabetic. When we were dating our relationship was top notch! We would make love and have lots of foreplay! He even made me O without even having sex. But once we moved in together things went down hill...1st I dealt with him being domestically violent and controlling but I put my foot down and said something had to change or I was gone, he got help and on bi-polar meds and he stopped being violent. Though in spite of the improvement, his interest in sex has just kept decreasing...and when we do have sex it is no foreplay or his interest literally dies...I have tried lingerie, hints, waking him up to sexual favors and even straight out saying I want you now!...sometimes I will get a 'let me take some insulin and gimme an hour' or 'I'm too busy.' I am lucky if I get it 3 times a month! Now this is hard on me because I am very sexual (only 25) and I feel he should be (only 29!!) yet foreplay is gone, I can not remember my last orgasm...and when I do get sex it is him pounding away for 1-15 minutes and then I am left wanting more and all he wants to do is return to the PC or cuddle...yet he says me playing with myself, in his words "feels like you're cheating" what am I supposed to do? I am devoted to him and refuse to cheat, yet I feel ugly and lonely when I am left feeling so much desire for him and not seeing him desire me at all...he is not cheating, but my husband won't make love to me either...any ideas what we can do?" -Ellen H.
Ellen is in a difficult position. Sadly, there are many couples who find themselves in very similar situations. When one partner is more interested in maintaining an intimate life than the other, it can change the dynamic in a relationship and lead to resentment, dissatisfaction and conflict.
My Answer:
Your statement that "my husband won't have sex with me" shows that complaining for more sex can come from a wife just as much as from a husband.
Volumes have been written about the importance of sexual intimacy in a relationship. The consensus is that in order for a relationship to be happy and healthy, both partners need to feel satisfied and that their needs are being respected and met. For most people this means finding an agreeable compromise.
No two people want the same thing all the time. Understanding this in a romantic relationship is crucial. That means sometimes intimacy is just cuddling, sometimes it’s sex, and sometimes it’s agreeing that you’re both tired and you’ll have some fun another time.
The need for physical and sexual intimacy can’t be ignored. It creates a level of bonding and trust that goes beyond the day-to-day companionship. And, for most partners, sexual satisfaction is something that they enjoy and want to experience with the person that’s most important in their lives.
If the sexual intimacy in your relationship has faded, or you’re saying "my husband won’t have sex with me” then there may be issues that need to be addressed. Although it can be normal for a relationship to go through a dry spell and as we age to slow down, maintaining an intimate bond with your partner is part of what builds longevity in a relationship.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 18, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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I am afraid of ending up in an affectionless marriage if i am already not getting to have sex. I am 22 and my husband is 33 and we have been married almost 2 years. when we first started dating the sex was awesome, but i knew he had always had a problem with wanting to have sex. it started after about half a year and just keeps getting worse...we have sex maybe once a month recently...i feel so horrible and i hate myself becase i feel like my husband not wanting me sexually is never going to change. he has never been a cheater and has hated cheating for as long as i known him. he is very trustworthy and we r very much in love. he always wants to spend time toghether, he loves to cuddle and kiss and hug me, it is just sex that he will not do... i will not leave him over it, if it came down to it i would rather never have sex again if that is what it meant staying married to him. i have tried everything i can think of...he just always says he isnt in the mood. we r heroin addicts and have been clean for about a year, but we r on methadone for the treatment so we never go back to the heroin (we have tried everything, the methadone was our only option besides being junkies or death) i know it is not the methadone, things were the same before we got on the methadone..and i definately do not have a low sex drive. i love my husband and i know he loves me, and i feel so angry and hate myself that i cant just be happy with the way things are. i just dont know what to do...
Teena, Sounds like this is more than just a difference in sex drives and that there's more of a problem her than you think. I'd be careful -- this is the kind of compromise that people make (your compromise) that breeds resentment and unhappiness that can ultimately destroy the marriage. -Kurt
A wanna share my husband and i situation, first of all im filipina and im from philippines 28 y/o have one kid shes 4y/0 and my husband is an american 39y/0... So this is my problem in our marriAge, im sorry if ever my english not that really good.. My husband and i been married for 4 years now, and weve only met via online, when the time he visited me in the philippines for the first time, we got married right away and i can tell that we have strong and healthy sexual relationship, but after i give birth and came here in u.s he suddenly changed so much, he became cold and no more affection to me, i need to beg him first when i want and need him or i can say when im horny but mostly he rejecting me, but then its hurt me so bad coz that morning i noticed he masturbated coz he have his own lubricant and i always check the bottle so i know if he just used it, i started lossing my confident and wondering whats wrong with me why my husband doesnt want to have sex with me,, i felt like im the most ugliest woman in the whole world, and i also started thinking that he already fall out of love to me, 😢 when i tried to hug him at night he pushing me and doesnt want it, he never tried to cuddle me before we go to sleep, so stopped doing that to him and i always be careful that i might accidentally put my arms and my legs on him, coz he get upset with me so bad,, when were having sex he never cared about me if im satisfied or not.. 2 minutes and were done,.. And i know and im sure that his sexually active coz he loves looking at sexy women and he always masturbate..i cant also remember the last time he said " i love you " to me.. Last valentines that is also our wedding anniversary , i told him why he didnt give me any flowers or something, he answered me " why did you give me something too" and i told him that i dont have work and his not giving me a money too.. In my heart and my mind i know and i believed thAt he doesnt love me anymore.. And right now were still living together and i accepted it already that .. I cant do anything for him to love me again... I love him with all. H heart but sometimes you need to love your self first.. His the first guy in my whole life and im still happy coz he taught me how to loved and hurt and be strong....
I feel you Kim its the same thing here for me I been a stay home mom got 13 years I don't ask him to buy me things cause he constantly butcher about the bills and I need to find a job yet I'm stuck 13 miles out in a ranch with out a truck while he goes to work and when work slows down on the whole problem. After 14 years together can barley ask for sex or when i try he turns away from me.. I'm so depressed I'm ready to call it quits. I'm done in 35 and need to have fun my kids and I are not important never a family vacation or weekends away. I'm done forget this I deserve better after all I do at home washing cleaning waking up at 3:30am everyday to cook and tend to his needs before work and don't sleep all day long till about 10pm. I'm done. Its over
My husband refuses to be with me, if he does he waits until I'm sleeping. He makes me feel so ugly fat. I've tried everything he just don't want me. I already have depression. I can't take this anymore.
Good for you!!! Get the HELL OUT!!! Do not wait for him to make up his mind. Go out and live your life. Have some fun, make new friends, play a musical instrument, take yoga, tai chi, read to the blind, read to children, join a book club, etc. If he decides he wants to come back, make him work for it, date you, buy you jewelry, talk with you, go to church with you, volunteer with you, etc, and you need to remain not fully in the game until you know that he is fully in the game. Stay sweet and kind. If he does not come back to you, okay, then you win. You will have a new life, friends, hobbies, etc. He will still have himself; sad depressing pitiful little self to live with. Best wishes for your future. When one door closes...another one opens.