What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Physical intimacy and sex are important components of a healthy marriage. They‘re also an area that can easily break down, and even become nearly non-existent for some couples. Problems maintaining a fulfilling sex life aren’t uncommon and couples frequently seek help for dealing with them. Whether it’s a husband who’s complaining his wife won’t initiate sex, or a wife who says, "my husband won’t have sex with me," lack of intimacy in the relationship can cause big problems.
We recently had a reader write in who was experiencing precisely these kinds of issues. She said her husband had lost interest and no longer wanted to have sex with her. Below you can see her question and my answer when she wrote in and said her husband won’t have sex with her.
Reader Question:
My husband won't have sex with me. We have been married almost 4 years now and he is bi-polar and a type 1 diabetic. When we were dating our relationship was top notch! We would make love and have lots of foreplay! He even made me O without even having sex. But once we moved in together things went down hill...1st I dealt with him being domestically violent and controlling but I put my foot down and said something had to change or I was gone, he got help and on bi-polar meds and he stopped being violent. Though in spite of the improvement, his interest in sex has just kept decreasing...and when we do have sex it is no foreplay or his interest literally dies...I have tried lingerie, hints, waking him up to sexual favors and even straight out saying I want you now!...sometimes I will get a 'let me take some insulin and gimme an hour' or 'I'm too busy.' I am lucky if I get it 3 times a month! Now this is hard on me because I am very sexual (only 25) and I feel he should be (only 29!!) yet foreplay is gone, I can not remember my last orgasm...and when I do get sex it is him pounding away for 1-15 minutes and then I am left wanting more and all he wants to do is return to the PC or cuddle...yet he says me playing with myself, in his words "feels like you're cheating" what am I supposed to do? I am devoted to him and refuse to cheat, yet I feel ugly and lonely when I am left feeling so much desire for him and not seeing him desire me at all...he is not cheating, but my husband won't make love to me either...any ideas what we can do?" -Ellen H.
Ellen is in a difficult position. Sadly, there are many couples who find themselves in very similar situations. When one partner is more interested in maintaining an intimate life than the other, it can change the dynamic in a relationship and lead to resentment, dissatisfaction and conflict.
My Answer:
Your statement that "my husband won't have sex with me" shows that complaining for more sex can come from a wife just as much as from a husband.
Volumes have been written about the importance of sexual intimacy in a relationship. The consensus is that in order for a relationship to be happy and healthy, both partners need to feel satisfied and that their needs are being respected and met. For most people this means finding an agreeable compromise.
No two people want the same thing all the time. Understanding this in a romantic relationship is crucial. That means sometimes intimacy is just cuddling, sometimes it’s sex, and sometimes it’s agreeing that you’re both tired and you’ll have some fun another time.
The need for physical and sexual intimacy can’t be ignored. It creates a level of bonding and trust that goes beyond the day-to-day companionship. And, for most partners, sexual satisfaction is something that they enjoy and want to experience with the person that’s most important in their lives.
If the sexual intimacy in your relationship has faded, or you’re saying "my husband won’t have sex with me” then there may be issues that need to be addressed. Although it can be normal for a relationship to go through a dry spell and as we age to slow down, maintaining an intimate bond with your partner is part of what builds longevity in a relationship.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 18, 2010. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
Think My Husband Doesn’t Find Me Attractive After Baby? If you think your Husband Doesn’t Find You Attractive After Having A Baby there may be more to it.
Most women don’t think of men as being shy or nervous in the bedroom. To many of us it seems like men have an envious amount of self-assuredness and confidence when it comes to their sexual abilities (warranted or not).
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Too, Glad to hear you recognize what you both are teaching your son. Have you gotten any professional counseling advice to learn what else you can do to change your marriage? If not, you should for the sake of your son. -Kurt
My husband and I have been together for 6 yrs and married almost three. we have three children ones not his but he has raised as his. so much has been rocky but weve had the typically good and bad times. he can be very sweet and is a good man. He cant keep work though. and has mood swings and will yell. hes not violent. weve broke up seven times all from him leaving. He use to have a drinking and drug problem, but no more. but his mom did get him started on it when he was 11, both of really have no family except my grandma. no one to turn to but each other so when were rocky then no one to turn to. hes been through so much in his life then us together and a lot of stress. no hes been diagnosed with bipolar with going through depression phase now. I don't know but for the last two yrs he use to be so loving and we use to have such a great sex life. but now he doesn't kiss me or hardly no affection and no sex. he says he think he has a ed problem and wants help who knows and that for months he wants me but has no desire to have sex and cant get or keep an erection. the kissing and hugging I don't know though. can bipolar cause ed?? and how can all this be linked together? and does depression cause you to be distant. bc our main issues are sex lack of affection which in turns causes us distance. and even some arguing. weve been going to therapy. And hes now on meds for bp. Latuda will that help the depression and the bipolar? Hes now for a week been in a seprate room of the house is this depression him not wanting to be around me? hes not cheating bc we live and work together and hes still nice and says he loves me and wants things better but that he doesn't feel like his self. im asking for advice her bc in therapy were having to talk about him and his child hood right now and not us. bc of what all is going on. thanks
Nichole, Yes, bipolar and depression, as well as medications to treat them can cause a loss of sex drive and erectile dysfunction. I can be all linked, but there may be other factors contributing to it as well. Glad to hear you both are getting professional counseling - smart move. Don't lose hope. This is all treatable and can get better. -Kurt
I have been with my boyfriend for 9 years we have 3 girls one not he's age 13 8 and 2 I work 40 hour week full time mom and mad he doesn't work at all nor does anything in our home to help I pay all the bills and I can barely make it he drunks beer every night I am about 205 I have gained some wight after our last baby but I do go to the gym all most every morning I still think am a sexy woman I don't even remember the last time he wanted me in any way but to clean and get him a beer yes I've done everything I can think of to get it back talking lov notes not talking about anything and just let me take all of life's stress he nows I can't do all of this by my self I've told him I need him
He tell me he can't get it up anymore but one day I can home and I got him going just to see and it works the ask for a quickies and got nothing I even sent him dirtie pictures nothing sexy night clothing nothing the cooks where so much more important
What do u think I should do
Think of me more love my self and take care of the kids and wait and see what happens am lost lonely I feel unloved
Julie, It may be more to do with him than you. It's possible that he's depressed, maybe going through a midlife crisis, could be looking at porn or cheating. There are many other factors that could be at play that have nothing to do with you. Take a look through the other categories on this blog for ideas. -Kurt
I have been married for 8 months and my husband wont have sex with me at all. We have sex maybe once every three weeks and even then there is no foreplay and only last 5-10 minutes, enough for him to reach his O. Before we were married we had sex at least 4 times a week up until we said our vows. Then things changed, he stopped wanting to have sex all together. He claims sex is a chore and he would be perfectly happy not having sex at all. But I have a high drive as I am 22 and he is 25. I do not mind masturbation but I need the physical intimacy that sex brings. When I am awake he is asleep most of that time and we have a window of 3 to 4 hours a day together when we are both awake daily. During this time he would rather play on his video games or messaging other girls (he claims they are friends but im not so sure.) on his phone than to spend any type of time with me. "Me laying down with you when youre asleep or you being in the same room as me, should be enough." and that "sex is a chore." is what I am told every time I bring up spending time together or having sex. I don't know what to do, he isn't on any medications and I am the one working and taking care of the house. I have made sure that I have stayed in shape. So I do not understand why he is so disinterested in sex. Especially since it is the only physical intimacy I every receive. (no cuddling, holding hands, and very rarely kisses without a sigh of annoyance.) I feel like I am not wanted in this relationship and it really hurts. I just need some advice. Thank you.
Ashley, It's pretty rare to have a 25-year-old man not interested in sex, so that's a sign of a problem. It sounds like he's getting his needs met in other ways, like video games or friending other women (even if "just friends" it still can be inappropriate and damaging to your relationship). It's still very early in your marriage so I'd get some professional counseling help to reverse this course because it's likely to only get worse. -Kurt
I am 20 years old. My husband and I got married August 1st(5 months ago). We dated for almost 5 years prior to getting married. When we were dating he was the most perfect man that I could possibly imagine. He did everything right. He made love to me ALL the time. He was passionately intimate with me. Well about a month after being married, he has absolutely no sex drive. I literally beg, plead and cry for sex from him. Eventually he'll give in when I've irritated him to the point that he just gives in. However, there's no kissing or foreplay. It's just intercourse and then he's done and back to what he was doing. I have never in my entire life felt so unwanted and lonely. Now after 5 months, he wants to get out of our marriage. He refuses to try counseling. He says his reason is that's he's not in love with me anymore. After 5 years of saying and proving to me that he's madly in love with me, how can he say that in 5 months of marriage he's not in love with me anymore? I'm the same person I've always been. I haven't changed one bit. He has however. Before divorce is something we both strongly agreed to never let happen. We didn't believe it was right in Gods eyes. Now the sound of divorce is like heaven to him. However, I'm still in love with him. I want us to work. I love this man. I always have. I have gone above and beyond and been the most absolutely perfect wife imaginable. Still, he's dead set on leaving me in one week to move back on campus at his school. He refuses counseling and wants to start the 1 year of separation for filing for divorce. What can I possible do...??? I'm completely hopeless.
Julie, You can go to counseling without him, so go. You really need some professional guidance and support, so don't let his refusal stop you from getting it. -Kurt