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Nearly everyone has a smartphone these days. But they’re far more than just phones – they’re really mini-computers that we walk around with and use all the time.
We’ve become quite reliant on smartphones, and as amazing as the technology is with the many benefits they provide, there are definite pitfalls. In fact, some people seem addicted to their phones, which is why we frequently hear complaints from husband’s that their wives are on the phone all the time.
It’s not unusual to hear that the overuse of a cell phone has led to big problems in a relationship, and both men and women are guilty. But it’s more often husbands who want to know what to do when their wife is on the phone all the time.
Because phones do so much more than just let us communicate, there are endless reasons to use them.
All of these give people an excuse to sit for hours on their phones, especially social media.
But when a wife is on her phone all the time rather than interacting with her husband and family, there are big issues. And it’s not always easy to know what to do about it.
The miracle of technology allows us to connect globally with long lost friends and order toilet paper with a few key taps. But it can also be the thing that creates an enormous divide in our relationships.
Constant interaction with phones can interrupt and break our connection to family, as well as making intimacy with our partners more difficult to achieve and sustain.
Increasingly, men are reporting that their wife is always on the phone. It’s become one of the more persistent complaints that we hear while counseling men.
Many even say it seems like their wives are addicted to their phone.
Problems in a relationship relating to phone addiction are beginning to rival the more common issues regarding sex and money that many couples deal with.
Now, relationships are being disrupted by inappropriate and constant use of cell phones during times that should be reserved for personal connection like,
Some men say that their wives even take the phone into the bathroom or shower with them.
Even though many men may recognize that there’s something wrong, the normalcy of constant phone use in today’s society confuses the situation, often leaving them asking if their wife’s cell phone use is really a problem, or if they’re overreacting.
If you’re wondering if it’s a problem or just you, ask yourself the following questions.
Yes, there’s actually a term for those that ignore, or snub, their partner by using their phone – phubbing (phone snubbing).
When your wife is so absorbed in the worlds associated with her phone that it makes it hard for her to focus on you, it’s easy to feel secondary in her life.
So, if she seems overly intent on what’s going on in her social media account or getting the high score in Candy Crush, rendering her unable to engage in conversation or make eye-contact, her phone has definitely become a problem.
If you have found that the blue glow of her phone is more prominent in the bedroom than pillow talk or intimacy there’s an issue.
More and more men are saying that their wives bring their phone to bed and seem more interested in it than them. This can be a sign that your wife is addicted to her phone, and it isn’t healthy for you as a couple or for her as a person.
While texting, shopping and gaming on smartphones takes a lot of attention, social media is by far the biggest consumer of time for many. And, unfortunately, these platforms can be gateways to inappropriate relationships.
It can feel very easy and safe to flirt on Facebook, or follow someone on Instagram and begin a direct message relationship. Many believe these connections don’t affect your marriage but sadly, they do and often in a negative way. Even more sadly, the impact of these online relationships is often not realized until a lot of damage has been done.
This level of separation anxiety when missing a device is unhealthy and a sign that she’s too connected to her phone.
Consequently, there’s likely a negative impact on your relationship due to her obsession with her phone.
If the answers to any (or all) of the questions above is yes, then your instincts are probably dead on.
Your wife being on the phone all the time is definitely a problem.
There are a number of reasons your wife may be spending so much time on her phone.
One of the biggest is that phones are actually addictive. They’re designed to draw you in with,
Dr. Kurt counsels both individuals and couples daily. In his practice phone use has become an increasingly prominent topic.
When asked about his experience with this issue he had this to say:
Smartphones are the perfect escape. Always there. Quick and easy. They can even make it look like we're being productive. But they also can serve as a drug. The pleasure they bring releases feel good chemicals in our brains that are very enjoyable, powerful and addictive. When we're feeling down, unhappy or even depressed, our phones can be a quick, albeit temporary, fix. Be careful how you use yours. Phones are meant to be a tool, not a way for us to cope with or escape from our lives."
The reasons your wife spends so much time on her phone can vary, but below are some of the most common culprits.
Today’s smartphones provide an easy refuge for avoiding problems. Rather than talk about things that are going on, or discuss emotional or painful issues, you can hide in your phone.
Her phone and what she can do with it may provide attention and be acting as a method of self-soothing.
We’ve become a society of constant engagement and immediate gratification. If we have nothing to do for even a moment we fill our time looking at the worlds our phones give us access to – and it can be hard to stop.
While hobbies that engage your mind and creativity, especially if you can share them as a couple, are preferable, if your wife has found herself with too much time on her hands it’s possible she’s using her phone so much because she’s bored.
The big problem with this is the habits – sitting, disengaging, disconnection - it creates. And once these habits form they can be hard to break.
It’s important to remember that not all phone use is bad.
There are several things that phones provide that are both productive and positive.
Helping her understand how her being on the phone all the time is making you feel and impacting your relationship is a good first step in confronting her behavior. You’ll also need to talk to her – calmly.
Don’t expect her to give it up cold turkey though.
As with any addiction, there can be a painful period of “detoxing.” Anyone who’s on the phone all the time will need to create a plan for how to curb their use, and that will likely happen in stages.
The biggest issue when it comes to reducing phone use is the overwhelming feeling that she’ll miss something.
Being unable to control impulses and constant FOMO (fear of missing out) are very real side effects of being constantly connected.
Helping her see there are very few things that are immediately important can be difficult and will take time. Reminding her of what’s real and tangible – you, your family, experiences together – is crucial though.
Phones and other technologies can be an enhancement to relationships in some circumstances. For instance, staying connected when you’re far apart and seeing faces of friends and family in other parts of the world are amazing benefits.
But in most daily relationships’ phones can be disruptive and degrade,
If your wife is on the phone all the time, you’ll know exactly what I mean.
To combat the problem and improve your relationship remember the following things:
If your wife is on the phone all the time you can be a positive influence and help by engaging with her and looking for opportunities for you both to detach. Chances are you can use a break from your phone too.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published July 17, 2019. It has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Every since my wife got a smart phone years ago, (at least 5), her phone has been her number one priority and our relationship has declined. I have been expressed my feelings towards her on this and have become very angry, as I have felt neglected and alone. She cannot walk anywhere without it being in her hand. I thought once our son was born it would end, but it did not. The only problem I have with her is her phone. She ignores both my and our 2 year old son as whats on the phone is so much more important and I because of this, I get even more angrier because that's not the kind of interaction I want my son to get from his mother. I don't know what to do as I have lost all patience. I feel every since she got the smart phone I lost my best friend, and because of this, I have lost all respect for her as a wife.
Should we go to counseling? Anytime I approach her with this, I just get super angry and sometimes around my 2 year old son which I don't want him to see. She is just not giving him any attention as the phone is more important. I have learned to deal with the fact that is they way she wants this relationship to be, but I don't want that for my son. PLEASE HELP!!!
Luke, Try looking at this as a relationship and communication issue, not a phone issue. The phone is just the symptom of 3 bigger problems - 1) How can you two love and respect each other better? 2) How can you communicate so you both feel heard and respected? 3) How can you resolve problems you both see very differently? Yes, counseling would be the best way to address and resolve these problems. -Dr. Kurt
Yes my wife wakes up on the phone and in between getting something out of the kitchen the phone is in her hand; when i say something she says, I'm grown don't tell me what to do. what should I say???
Dwight, Tell her how it negatively impacts you. If she won't listen or make some changes, then find a counselor to learn some strategies you can use. The phone is just the symptom, the real problem is lack of respect and care in your marriage. And neither partner should accept that. -Dr. Kurt
I've literally lost my wife of 15 years to her phone and the people with whom she communicates through her phone. It's her companion. It fulfills all the inadequacies of our relationship. I've lost all hope of salvaging the relationship.
Kyle, same with me, I’ve had it ! I’ve come close to telling her to go f**k off, but I’d lose too much. Just watched my brother go through a divorce, and the same s**t, wife always on the phone, but… he is happier than he has ever been.
Same here. About 80% of my wife’s free time is spent either on social media or texting friends. She slightly modifies when I bring it up but goes right back to excessive use in a few days. I’ve been thinking of getting out of the relationship more and more. Can’t be much different being single.
I’ve lost my wife and daughter to phone, texting or social media is all they want. Such dark times
My wife is on the phone to her two sisters on separate continents and parents on another . We get calls early in the morning and usually for 1-2 hours on a sat and Sunday and most evenings .
It’s extremely irritating , and I find she knows more about what is happening in her hone town with idle gossip than important stuff around us. She just ain’t interested and the iPhone made it a whole lot worse , as a few years she had to pay for phone cards so this kept it all real. A free WhatsApp has become an excuse to disengage from her own surroundings. There must be thousands of couples in this s**t new social dynamic of corroding relationships.
This was always present but modern comms made the behaviour of many women in particular quite unreasonable imho
My wife is Colombian, and how I miss the good ole days, when she had to get a calling card and would talk to all her friends and relatives in Colombia on her flip phone. Fast forward to WhatsApp and Facebook and IG and all this other trash , and our relationship barely exists. 99% of her time and attention is on her phone, and way less than 1%is on our 3 kids and her husband. I am lucky if she takes a break from her phone once or twice a month to give me a bit of bedtime attention. The thrill is definitely gone. Feeling last place in your own wifes life really sucks.
Matt, You're right, "Feeling last place in your own wifes life really sucks." Sadly, I can tell you you're far from alone. A lot of men feel this way. And women can feel the same about being a priority in their husband's lives too. It's fixable though. -Dr. Kurt
Hi everyone , We went to marriage guidance 2 years ago , where I admit there were issues on BOTH sides , we agreed or so I thought to draw a line in the sand & move forward but before long the phone was back in the bedroom & I spotted a msg from old flame on her phone , I have been disengaging from my wife because of this constant HER having to tell you so & so has done this , so & so had done that , someone's you don't know auntie has died , messages from male colleges at work coming into your marital home at the weekends , you sit down to watch a film together & she's on her phone on INSTA/FACEBOOK or playing a game , she disappears ALL the time in the toilet or through to the bedroom with her phone while i'm left watching TV , then she moans about what your watching when she re-appears after an hour!!! then she asks what we are doing at the weekends & by then I have switched off , I admit i'm a bit of a luddite when it comes to i-phones , I can do without the constant grief or FOMO , BUT after 30 years of marriage , when she was showing me some stupid cat videos a msg from her old boyfriend came up ( i had brought this up at marriage guidance) that was the final straw...... DIVORCE
Graham, I feel your pain. At least mine isn't with old flames, more of just reading. But it is constant - get in the car - she's on FB IG twitter reading stuff. Bad enough that she is on there, but never shares. My theory is that she reads that stuff and then is in a bad mood, then claims that a woman needs to be in the right state of mind. So, I take that as since we don't agree, then we can't be sexually connected. Dr. Phil said it best - if you don't get much oxygen you tend to gulp it when you finally get some. One of my pet peeves is that she never shares what she is reading, it's like we live separate lives. It has never been about balance of chores. I am looking to not be in competition with an inanimate device, but it looks like I am.
Hi guys , just thought I would update you all after my original post a few months back , I am going ahead with the seperation/divorce & looking forward to renting a property , until the sale of house comes through , other half is still trying to make out i was at fault because I did not want to take her out anywhere but I reminded her of the time i bought tickets to a concert & we went for a meal only for her as soon as we got home to go straight onto facebook & speak to a friends husband !!!!! anyway after a few months sleeping in seperate rooms it dawned on me she had me brainwashed or as they say now , she was gaslighting me by constantly saying I was to blame & I was trying to control her by bringing up her using the phone all the time , she was also belitteling me as well as I had just started my own business working from home & she kept on saying I was lazy & the business was not viable but when sales kept coming in , she then said the business was a fluke , come to think of it she was not happy when i was working 9-5 & bringing in a good wage either .... Anyway & this is the best part she had a career in banking & I after everything she has put me through i'm taking half her pension which turns out to be six figures !!!!!! every cloud has a silver lining , so looking back & passing on advice if you have noticed things are getting stale in the bedroom or your just getting a quickie before she jumps in the shower , well just like parents can't compete with the internet with their kids YOU CAN'T COMPETE WITH HER PHONE so put your foot down now & either seek help or start planning a divorce
Graham, my wife stays on her phone and it bothers me. We have been married 14 years and I love her so much but the phone is too much! She stays on Twitter, Facebook, and the internet and it drives me crazy! I just don't know what to do and I've told her it bothers me and she still hasn't stopped!
HI Ray , just spotted this 23/12 , You have to speak up & say it you or the phone simple as that if you want to stay married , hindsight is always a great thing , I know it's hard but we are talking about a phone coming between you & your wife/partner , After being separated now for 14 months ( 6 months in a rented flat) it's TRUE time is a great healer & if you are splitting from your wife/partner give it a while on your own to gather your thoughts before moving on with someone else you don't want to jump out of the frying pan into the fire , I honestly felt at the time prior to our separation I was getting more & more distant from my ex wife & she was getting more & more into other people's problems via her i-phone , I think she actually thought she was friends with these people on insta & this is seemingly causing major issues with marriages in the USA they call it Phubbing & is not good for the person that is being snubbed mental health , I have found NOW that I am happier without her than I was with her , it's been tough after 31 years of marriage & to someone I knew for 40 years & thought I could trust but after seeing the messages on her phone to family & friends ripping me apart when we were going to marriage guidance counselling & her being in contact with an old boyfriend , I relies now I should have gone ahead & split up 3 years ago instead of giving her another chance & going to marriage counselling , my ex-wife was "oh thank you for saving our marriage" to the councilor after 6 weeks, while stabbing me in the back via her phone , I know it's a tough call , separation, divorce ,selling your home , moving out , looking at places to rent/buy but ask yourself is that the way forward or will I just sit here while she is on the phone ignoring you AGAIN !!!!!!!
Everything you said is the same exact thing I am going through
Hello everyone, I feel like I'm a at a huge loss with my marriage even though I want better always, my wife is beautiful and I love her to bits. But that's not enough, the sex is none existent anymore (because she feels fat) but all she ever does is spend time at salons getting new hair, lashes, nails, fake tans etc. She would rather a sex toy, head constantly in her phone. Doesn't cook, clean or make an effort towards anything nice for us uses its me spending money to take her out somewhere fancy. I'm at my whits end and don't know how much longer I can keep trying. Would I be right to pack up, leave and concentrate and my own welbeing