Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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Contents
No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. When it happens, it shakes a family’s foundation and reshapes how children define family, parents, and their version of everyday life.
For the adults involved, there likely have been numerous talks and events that led to this point, but for kids, especially teens, it can seem abrupt, even if they’ve sensed tension for years.
Although children at any age are affected by divorce when it happens, the effects of divorce on teens can be particularly pronounced.
Teen years are already turbulent with kids facing,
Add the effects of divorce to teen life, and it makes everything they’re facing feel magnified.
This doesn’t mean teens whose parents are divorcing are doomed to struggle permanently, however. But understanding how your teen is being affected by your divorce can help you be prepared to help them.
One of the most common questions for parents of teens when divorce happens is,
How is our divorce going to affect my teen emotionally?”
While several factors impact the answer to that – age, maturity, personality – there are still many common patterns of emotional response seen in teens whose parents are divorcing.
Teen years are when critical thinking skills are developed. They can see beyond black and white and recognize shades of grey and nuances in relationships.
That said, the impact of their family splitting up can force them into emotional regression and confusion.
They question their own understanding of relationships and longevity of love and can experience the pressure of divided loyalty.
This confusion can cause resentment and guilt as they try to determine how to support two people they love and their own place within the relationship.
Teens often struggle to find the words to express their emotions. And they don’t always possess the emotional maturity and self-awareness to recognize and understand their own feelings.
So, if you ask a teen if they’re angry about what’s happening, they may say no and claim they understand why the decision to divorce is necessary.
What parents often see, however, is anger at their situation bubbling up and manifesting in other ways.
These can all be expressions of anger at their circumstances and a common effect of divorce on teens.
While younger kids often focus on the day-to-day effects of divorce (ie, “Who’s picking me up today?”), teens tend to think further ahead.
They may worry about the stability of the future, including,
Not all effects of divorce on teens are completely negative.
For those teens who’ve been living in high-conflict or abusive households, divorce can bring relief.
The absence of constant fighting and seeing their parents happier is a potentially positive outcome, although the wounds created by the divorce itself run deep and take time to heal.
Emotions may be the most complicated and difficult to understand aspect of the effects of divorce on teens, but they’re not the only ones.
These practical challenges are often underestimated and can weigh heavily on a teen's psyche.
Teens crave routine, even if they won’t admit it. Moving between two homes can disrupt sleep patterns, homework, sports, and social lives.
Even something as simple as leaving a favorite sweatshirt at the other parent’s home can trigger a strong emotional reaction.
Divorce isn’t cheap and almost always has a significant financial impact. Teens will notice when what were once normal expenditures change.
This isn’t always bad – everyone needs to learn how to financially pivot and make changes when required – but it can create discomfort.
Grades can dip after divorce due to the impact on concentration and mental energy that divorce can have on students.
Or the opposite may become true.
It sounds great that a your teen would suddenly become focused on getting good grades, but myopic or obsessive concern with grades or perfection isn't healthy. For teens, however, it can be about controlling their controllables in an uncertain and emotionally distressing environment.
Teens already feel very self-conscious. This uncertainty only increases when their parents divorce, causing some to withdraw from friendships and social activities.
Others may jump into relationships as they seek the stability and comfort they no longer find at home. Many prematurely engage in sexual relationships as they chase love and validation. This is a big reason for higher rates of teen pregnancy in children of divorce.
Divorce leaves deep and lasting scars on teens. Although teens from divorced families can still grow into healthy, functioning adults, it’s not guaranteed.
Dr. Kurt works with divorced or divorcing parents of teens each week. He's seen the effect divorce can have on the family and teens in particular. In his experience,
It's not just how your divorce will affect your teen, but also how they'll cope with that effect. Teens are already emotional whirlwinds, add the uncertainty and pain of divorce to the mix and the effect can be huge, even catastrophic. So, how will your teen deal with the confusion, anger, anxiety, and certainly some level of depression? They'll deal with it somehow, and typically it's not in good ways. Alcohol, drugs, sex? It doesn't always look bad - I know some who've become super academic performers, but they also have no balance and put too much pressure on themselves. How will yours cope?"
This means having parents who are aware of and attuned to the effects divorce can have on their teens is crucial.
Understanding what they’re experiencing and helping them process and adjust to their new circumstances is crucial to their mental and emotional well-being. You can read more about how to help your teen here, but spoiler alert – your love and presence are the basis for all of it.
Avoid forcing conversations. Let them know you’re available when they’re ready. In the meantime, encourage outlets such as journaling, sports, art, or counseling, where emotions can surface more naturally.
There’s no set timeline. Some adapt within months, while others continue to feel the effects for years. Generally, adjustment improves once routines stabilize and parental conflict decreases.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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