Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
So if you’re just separated, now what? That's a very important question, and one to consider carefully and thoughtfully. Most separations are a jumbled combination of impulsiveness and some thought — but usually not a lot of thought about what the long-term, best interests of everyone involved would be, rather thinking about if and when to leave.
There are two sides to the ‘just separated, now what?’ scenario — the partner who separated and the one who had their partner leave. The one who leaves has usually been thinking about taking this action for a while, yet almost never has much of a plan once out the door. The partner who gets left behind can often be surprised and a lot of times doesn’t want the separation. As a result, commonly each partner will be asking the same question, "what now?", but from a different perspective and looking for a different kind of answer.
I’m working right now with a couple in marriage counseling that are in just this situation. Liz feels suffocated and controlled, and has been pleading for Sean to give her “space” for months. She’s at the end of her rope and just wants to separate. “I’m done. I don’t want to be your slave. I’m tired of being yelled at and verbally beat up.” Sean, however, doesn’t want to separate from his wife and believes if she does he won’t be able to show her how he’s changing, and so their marriage will be over. He's angrily asking, "Okay, you're separating, but now what?"
It’s not uncommon for separations to occur more as an emotional reaction than a carefully thought out plan. Another example of that are couples that have regular, nasty fights in which one partner leaves temporarily for a night or two. When emotions are high we all can just react without thinking.
A man I'm counseling was caught cheating by his wife and she kicked him out. So when James isn't traveling for work he's been staying in hotels and with friends. It was a temporary accommodation to give his wife space, but it's been going on for a while now and is no longer working for either one of them. She's sending him snide texts telling he needs to find an apartment and officially move out.
Everybody's situation is different, and your response will vary depending on which partner you are (the one separating or the one being separated from), but there are a few things every partner can do when you’re just separated and wondering now what?
Being just separated asking now what is a tough place to be, so keep the answer simple. If you're the partner separating, be careful not to write off the relationship too quickly. I've seen a lot of partners finally wake up and get serious about changing when they're partner shows them how serious they are by moving out. If this is you, one of the biggest mistakes you can make is not being open to giving your partner another chance to change. And if you're the one who got left, don't give up. Having your partner separate can be devastating, but it doesn't have to be the end. Take it as a wake-up call and start doing some things to give your partner reasons to reconsider.
Just separated? Now what are you going to do?
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
Do you fear your Husband Wants To Separate? Find out the signs a Husband is thinking about Separation.
No one starts their marriage and family hoping for divorce. Learn how divorce effects your teens here.
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Great article on recent separation. Particularly enjoyed the portion "It’s not uncommon for separations to occur more as an emotional reaction than a carefully thought out plan."
I think this is an extremely unfair and narrow view on separation. Oftentimes, a person leaves a lifestyle, not just his or her spouse. My husband (and many people) blame their significant others for bailing out on responsibilities. I have a hard time believing changing myself will suffice. I cannot heal our child with a CHD, I cannot make more money come into our home, I cannot go out late partying every weekend, I cannot make the grass stop growing, and I cannot make our home a place without responsibility. My husband isn't just running from me, he's running from a life he cannot handle because he is a coward and an adulterer. Can I change? Sure. Do I want to? In some areas, yes. Will it make the coward stop running? Probably not. Will he change? I don't know. Please put less stress and responsibility (especially women) by encouraging personal change when in reality, most men leave because they want no responsibility rather than a new spouse.
What you said is so relatable. I'm finding marriage takes so much work and responsibilities
Definitely not for the immature. My husband knew I wanted more children when we moved from a boarding house back to a place of our own 3 years ago. I never got pregnant. He also stopped cleaning our vehicle, doing pest control and had women in our complex flirting with him. He checked out on me when I mentioned what to do next. Just sat at the computer smirking. After the eviction notice, he ran in the other room hiding a. I cried that I didn't get a house or my baby. We ended up living with my cousin and went months at a time without being intimate. Went to counseling but he was retaliatory and did the opposite of what the counselor suggested.
Agreed and it's so hard to watch all that happen while being judged by him and the people he has lied to about your marriage. You know... his family members who know better than to MAKE DECISIONS FOR THEIR son/brother and his marriage. ugh. nooooo... I'm not bitter at allllll 😉
What am I going to do about it? Good question. In addition to trying to heal the relationship, I think people need to start preparing for the real possibility of divorce. Not educating yourself will lead to early mistakes. I would recommend that everyone educate themselves on their legal rights and that of their spouse. Don't fight over things you don't know the rules for. Know what is yours and get your finances in order. Inform yourself!
My husband out of the blue filed for divorce because he doesn't want to put me on the title/deed of his house. I was instrumental in saving the house 4 years ago when it was going into foreclosure. He applied for a loan modification, but was approved because I had an income and was willing to move in order to live in the house. He promised he would put me on the deed, but when it came time, he said he only wants the house to go to his daughters. I'm angry and hurt, but he filed for divorce. Now he is cold and won't talk to me. I thought we had a good marriage up until this issue came to a head.
This according to friends of 40 plus years is shocking behavior. They don't even understand his behavior. BTW he is 68 years old.
Any advice?
Jamie, That's a difficult situation, and one that I don't know enough about to give advice in this limited forum. Seek out a local counselor you can talk to, and even though he may be a bit older for it, read some of the articles in the Midlife Crisis section for some ideas and suggestions. -Kurt
My problem is that I really don't want to go back to my wife. I just want to see my children and have my own life back. I was 36 when I married my wife. I was way set in my own ways. I like my life with some sort of organization. My wife flies on the seat of her pants. I order to keep my sanity I stopped caring what the house looked like and that there was zero organization. If I didn't let it go, I was going to have a heart attack. Being by myself I can have it the way I feel most comfortable.