What can you do if you think My Husband Is Not Physically Attracted To Me?
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Contents
Men are often perceived as being obsessed with sex or at least having a one-track mind about it. Truthfully, that isn’t usually the case.
In this article, I’ll discuss 3 common beliefs about men and sex. There certainly are a lot more misperceptions associated with men and sex, but we’ll start with these biggies. First, do men want sex all the time?
If we believe what we’re told in the media, all guys ever want is sex. Most sitcoms have a prominent or, at a minimum, underlying theme about men and their never-ending pursuit of sex.
Obviously, this is an overgeneralization - it’s just not true that men want sex all the time, but it can be true that men want sex more than women. Even this, however, can be very dependent on the circumstances.
The difference between men and women in their level of desire for sex causes a common complaint I hear in couples counseling - men wish they had sex more often.
Or some men claiming they need more sex. While there are biological factors that drive men to feel the need for sex, it’s not true that there’s an inherent need for sex. It’s more of a powerful want.
The image below implies that if you offer a guy sex, he’ll take it – anytime, anywhere, and with anyone. This social media post is intended to be comical. Still, it does play on the common belief about the typical man having an unquenchable desire for sex.
The truth is that sex drives between men and women can definitely vary, but it’s often situation-specific.
Women are typically more connected to and aroused by the emotional aspects of sex. In contrast, men tend to be able to separate the physical from the emotional more easily. It’s not necessarily that a woman’s interest or drive is lower. Hormones and other biological changes can influence that, but a woman’s desire is greatly influenced by the emotional and intimate connection she may or may not have with her partner at any particular time.
Don’t misunderstand -- men also need an emotional connection regarding intimacy. In fact, many men will choose to abstain rather than have meaningless or unemotional sex.
Many of the men who come into counseling complaining that there isn’t enough sex in their relationship are also looking for that same emotional connection with their partners – they just don’t always know it or how to achieve it. In these cases, it’s often poor communication about sexual needs and desires that are compounding things and even creating more significant problems overall.
So, if it’s not true that men want sex all the time, is it true that men think about sex every 7 seconds?
No, this is absolutely a myth.
No one can obsess over anything that frequently and still can be functional at anything else.
Although some men do think about sex a lot. Here are some of the other factors that can affect how much:
Younger men typically think about sex more than older men.
A couple of years ago, I counseled a guy with a boat who took it out on the river several times a week. With this hobby, he saw women in bikinis regularly.
I’m working with a 69-year-old man who attends a fitness class several times a week where the women are dressed in yoga pants and crop tops.
While both of these situations are normal, they do provide sexual stimuli that have caused these guys to think about sex more than they usually would and have contributed to these men wanting sex, not all the time, but certainly more.
Peer pressure and discussions about sexual topics with friends can influence how often men think about sex. In addition, many men often trade sexually provocative memes, pictures, or jokes as a means of entertainment.
Movies, television shows, commercials, websites with sexually stimulating content, and even video games all of these can fuel thoughts about sex. The annual Sports Illustrated Swimsuit Issue is a perfect example of something that is considered normal but increases a man’s focus on sex.
The use of drugs or alcohol can affect sexual thoughts and desires, sometimes increasing or decreasing them.
The desire to watch porn not only comes from thinking about sex, but porn viewing makes men think about sex even more. One of the misperceptions about porn is that it’s a good outlet for men’s high sex drive when actually, it makes their sex drive even higher.
For men, more exposure to sexual stimuli just leads to more thoughts about sex.
It’s just a fact that whatever we feed our brain is what our brain will want more. For guys who want sex all the time, this is one of the most common reasons why.
It’s also important to recognize that these factors are interconnected, and their influence can vary from person to person.
It’s important to know there’s no quantifiable number of sexual thoughts that are considered “normal” or appropriate.
What one person considers a “normal” or healthy frequency of sexual thoughts may differ from another person’s perspective. What’s more important to consider is how these thoughts influence behavior.
If sexual thoughts impede productivity, are the cause of inappropriate actions or speech, or create problems in a relationship. Their frequency and influence are a problem.
Is sex the only thing men want?
Of course not. Men also want love, connection, meaningful relationships, recognition, success, happiness, etc. But for most men, there’s no question that sex is a very strong drive.
What does it mean when a man isn’t interested in sex?
Lack of interest in sex can come from a wide range of things, and much of the time, it has nothing to do with no longer liking sex or not being attracted to a partner.
Here are a few common causes of loss of interest in sex for men:
Emotional and psychological factors, including intimacy, emotional connection, and relationship dynamics, can significantly affect how important sex is, even for men. Some men may find that emotional intimacy and connection are more important to them than physical aspects of sex.
Hopefully, this article helps to answer questions regarding whether men want sex all the time.
Sex is a strong physical drive for men, and many unknowingly feed that drive and make it even stronger than it usually would be through the lifestyle choices they make.
If you want to see what your normal sex drive really is like, remove as much of the sexual stimuli in your life as possible. Do this for 8 weeks, and your brain will begin to return to its normal sex drive level.
Even though I’ve talked about men as a group, it’s essential to avoid making broad generalizations about sex regarding any group. Instead, we should recognize, understand, and respect individual differences when it comes to sexuality.
Communication and respect within a relationship are keys to ensuring that both partners are satisfied and comfortable with the level of importance placed on sex. This is particularly important to keep in mind if you’re feeling like the man in your life seems to think about sex all the time.
Do you have other questions about men and sex? If so, leave them in a comment below.
Editor’s Note: This post was originally published July 14, 2015, updated on November 6, 2019, and has been updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I am so tired to reading articles and comments where women want sex alll the time. I am a married man and all I want from my wife is sex at least once every three or four days. She is not interested at all. Before you suggest that we talk about it, we have. So many times that I am sick of talking about it. She says she gets it and will try harder but...nothing. I am so frustrated that I am just ill all the time. I have never cheated and will not cheat. So that leaves me with frustration. And for those that might say - do the dishes for her, clean the house etc. Well, I do all those things. I do them while she sits in her chair and plays on her phone. She recently told me that seeing me in sexy underwear (etc) does not turn her on. Wow! What a blow! I have to buy intimate wear for her to wear when I beg her. She says she doesn't see the sense in wearing those things. What? I have told her that I am extremely visual. I like to see and experiment the tease. We are through having children so she is no longer interested in sex. When she was trying for kids, the sex was more often for sure. I am just really bummed out. I have suggested that she see her doctor or mention to him about her lack of desire. She says she doesn't want to take anything for it. So frustrated as a devoted and horny husband.
I don’t buy the talk thing either. In fact I think it’s pathetic, it’s like begging. Why would I want to have sex with someone who does not want to have it with me. I have been married 30 years and sex in the beginning was good than just declined to nothing. At one point there was none for 10 years. Then she brings it back and it was great! Once a week looked forward to it. Then she announces one morning no more. Then we go on vacation and it’s back, get home and no longer interested. Last year on vacation it was once but said she really did not care, up to me. I did it because I did not want to hurt her feelings it was awful. No more I am done. Next time she does the once a year, it will be thanks but no thanks. I am a good guy, in good shape. It really does hurt when your spouse doesn’t want you.
Tom, Talking was never even suggested in this article - just in a response I made to a reader. However, if you were able to talk productively, which a lot of couples need help to be able to do, especially about sex, you might find it has nothing to do with her not wanting you. It's almost never that simple anyway. - Dr. Kurt
My apologies, my comment was to the response. I respect your opinion, but I have great difficulty in accepting that talk works. Even if it did, I would always wonder if she is now having sex with me because she feels she has to? That feels like obligation sex. Spouses should not have to do that. I just need to make peace with it myself. It’s coming along.
Hi Kurt: I'm so sorry. I was not notified of your response and only just now saw it when another gentleman posted a piece. It's now over a year later. We've not made love once in 2017. I'm planning on extricating myself from our home in the new year. She hasn't lifted a finger to make us work. I've been working very hard to work on my stuff, not react to attacks, breathe. We were in therapy but it stopped in June. She's British and as such not comfortable with therapy. There's nothing more I can do. Been on the couch for over 3 1/2 years. Need to move on. But thank you. Michael
Being a man is assumed to be immune to all the problems of life but there are some vulnerable spots that can give a man his hardest time. Sex problems in man like premature ejaculation, erectile dysfunction, low libido, STDs, etc. are the few of many such hurdles.
Today we are going to provide you the details of all those sexual issues that can bother a man, followed by common treatment procedures.
My husband withheld sex for more than 4 years as a punishment for my not being the kind of wife he believed he deserved and was entitled to. It’s not a situation exclusive to only female part of the marriage.
No One, I know it happens to women too. I just wrote an article for our blog last week on withholding sex in marriage and several examples were of men doing it to women as punishment just as has happened to you. -Dr. Kurt
I struggled with finding a topic similar to my issue so I chose this one because it’s directly related to sex. My wife and I have been together for 18 years. Around 10 years ago we experimented with bringing a male friend of mine into the bedroom to have sex with my wife. We did it around 10 or so times. Then she became pregnant with our youngest and we never did it again. We continue to talk about it during sex like dirty talk but we haven’t actually tried to actively do it again. Lately I have been obsessed with the thought of watching my wife sleep with another guy. I watch porn related to it often. My wife definitely doesn’t seem as interested as I am. We are also open to inviting women but we just haven’t had the opportunity. Why am I so obsessed with this thought? I look forward to your response.
Anonymous, I would need to know more about you to answer your question properly. But one thing stands out in your comment is how you keep reinforcing this thought - replaying memories of prior events, talking to your wife about it, watching porn about it, etc. You keep strengthening the pathways in your brain on this topic and so that just leads to more obsessing. There's more to it than this, but it's part of the answer. -Dr. Kurt