It’s safe to say we’ve all been lied to at some point. Perhaps we’ve even done the lying ourselves once or twice, too. And we can probably agree that lies, even small ones, can be harmful – especially in a relationship.
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Recently Kate told me she's, "Fighting with my husband constantly."
"Is that normal?" she asked.
Yes and no, I told her.
Disagreements in a relationship are normal. Let’s face it, no matter how much you love someone and get along, you’re each different people with your own thoughts and opinions. In fact, that’s likely something you enjoyed about each other in the beginning.
But disagreement isn’t the same as constant fighting with your husband.
So, yes, occasional disagreements or even arguments are normal, even healthy – constant fighting isn’t.
Some partners disagree more than others. And for some those disagreements turn into arguments, which turn in to fights – regularly.
A disagreement that turns into an argument doesn't have to be bad, but when it turns into a fight, it becomes a problem.
And it's a BIG problem if you say,
I'm fighting with my husband constantly."
When Kate and her husband, Rick, met with me for marriage counseling I witnessed them fight about everything in their lives except for one thing – work.
Everything else,
was a fight to the death over who was right and who was wrong.
Is it any wonder they're both miserable in their marriage and, using their own words, both say they have a “severe and intense dislike for each other”?
When fighting with your husband is constant, hostile, and unproductive it can destroy your marriage.
Learning how to keep disagreements from turning into fights, or at least stopping at the argument level, is crucial for a healthy relationship.
When an argument devolves into a “fight” it means anger is the primary emotion being felt and expressed. This is a problem because anger overrides logic and caring and can lead to words and actions that are extremely damaging.
With anger as the driver, you’re no longer looking for a way to solve things, you’re looking for a way to hurt each other. When this happens frequently it will destroy the relationship.
Take a look at the below social media post I wrote about relationship arguments.
What’s the most important point from the post? The key to a good relationship is not avoiding arguments, but how you deal with them.
I don’t think I’ve ever met partners who enjoy fighting (not both of them anyway). Given the choice, nearly all partners say they just want peace and love (maybe not those exact words).
But for some couples it certainly seems like there’s more effort put into the fight than into keeping the peace.
So much so, in fact, that many couples fail to see what constant fighting is doing to them individually, as well as to their relationship and family.
On an individual level, constantly fighting with your husband will begin to seep out of the relationship and invade other aspects of your life. Eventually you could become someone who’s:
Not flattering, is it?
And no, you’re not the exception.
Constant, unresolved anger is like sand – it gets everywhere. You’ll be finding grains of it in unwanted places for ages.
It also has detrimental consequences for your family. Research shows that children in homes with constant fighting are plagued with a number of social, behavioral, and educational problems.
Among them are:
These are just a few of the areas that can be affected.
It should also be noted that children learn conflict resolution from watching their parents. And no matter how you instruct them, they will eventually do what you do, not what you say.
As for your marriage, the problems are clear.
Constant fighting with your husband will take you down the same path as Kate and Rick, right to that place of “severe and intense dislike” for one another.
The good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way.
Healthy, successful marriages don't avoid conflict, and the disagreements and arguments that come with it. The partners in them have learned how to disagree and work through it without letting the conflict escalate to a fight or turn into verbal abuse.
In the rare instances when it does approach a fighting level, both partner’s recognize it and do something to reduce the conflict, like stepping away and seeking some cooling off time.
There are a variety of other ways to handle anger as well.
In a successful relationship each person will know what way works best for them, as well as their partner's preferred coping mechanism, and will respect their need to use it.
Another important point from the social media post: You win relationship arguments when you're mature enough to choose the relationship over being right.
A fear for many partners is that if they do this it will mean -
This then becomes a power struggle within the relationship, with each partner wanting to assert themselves and be in control.
This fear is an obstacle for Rick. He's afraid if he doesn't fight with his wife (on everything) he'll always be wrong and thus be powerless.
This isn’t true at all.
Here's the secret Rick is missing – when you practice choosing the relationship over being right you'll find you have fewer arguments. And when you do, your partner will probably choose the relationship over being right too.
Win-win.
I've seen many wives fight with their husbands for the same reason - needing to always be right (or more accurately, never be wrong).
So, it's important to note that either sex, male or female, can do this.
See how needing to be right can turn into emotional abuse?
Fighting between husbands and wives can occur for more reasons than just needing to be right though. The psychological causes for this, however, aren't as important as just recognizing how destructive fighting is for the relationship.
If we all can hold on to the truth that 'immature' people choose being right even at the cost of the relationship, while 'mature' people will be wrong if necessary in order to keep the relationship, we're likely to choose to be mature and find more happiness and satisfaction in our relationship.
An added bonus is that we will be more successful on other topics:
Will you choose to be 'mature' or 'immature' in your next argument?
Fighting with your husband constantly is unhealthy and will destroy your marriage.
When you choose the relationship over the need to be right you may be surprised at the positive changes in your relationship and life that will result.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 07, 2014, updated on July 3, 2018, July 5, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
It’s safe to say we’ve all been lied to at some point. Perhaps we’ve even done the lying ourselves once or twice, too. And we can probably agree that lies, even small ones, can be harmful – especially in a relationship.
Does the Communication In Your Marriage Need To Improve? Learn 5 key strategies to Improving Communication in any Marriage (or relationship).
What happens when There’s Lack Of Communication In A Relationship? See some real examples of Lack Of Communication In Relationships and why it happens.
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Married 6 years and been faithful. If a girl walks by me and I glance at her my wife gets irate. Starts screaming and hitting me. She has accused me of secretly emailing my ex. Accused me of looking (which she calls flirting) at her sisters, her daughter my friends wives. She call when I'm driving to work accusing me I'm not going to work but going to have sex. If I don't respond immediately to her text she thinks I'm fooling around. Same if I'm 1 minute late coming home. She has scratched my face very badly because she claimed I looked at the waitress. I only looked at her to place an order. She gets violent and throws things at me. My son asked me why is she so mean to you? I don't know how to stop it and lately now I've been getting mad at her. Last time she hit me I went to a motel room and now she insists I did it to have sex with someone. I don't know how to stop this and honestly I can't take it any longer. I want out
Greg, It's never too soon to say "enough" in an abusive relationship. Read the articles in the Abusive Relationships section for more information. Also, in case things escalate further, you can also call the national hotline at 800-799-7233 for help 24/7. Be smart and remove yourself from any dangerous situations. -Kurt
I have been with my husband for 8 years. He is the perfect husband for about 3 days... then something small will happen and he is horrible to me for 3-4 days... I am independent and he can't stand that. I can't have friends and I do go see my family frequently, but I know he hates it. I am loosing 100% disrespect for him. He keeps me on eggshells. I finally told him to hire a lawyer or hire an counselor. I never dreamed I would be in an abusive marriage (since I own my own home, truck, etc...) I felt I was more independent and my spouse would respect me for that.... Boy was I wrong.
Heartache, Good for you for setting boundaries. It's hard for many to realize or accept that they are in an abusive relationship. -Kurt
Dear Kurt,
I have been married for 2 years, one weekend we are fully happy and two miserable. Usually we argue about simple things, or behaves we are not agreed. She said bad thinks and curses when she gets stress out, for example if we have an appointment with friends at 8pm if during the day we argued because I went for a run by myself and I did not invite her. Then she would says I will not go out this night with your friends. I'll stay home, I just said OK and got frustrated and I stay quiet and silent for the rest of the day and night and I would not go out either. Then the next day she acts like nothing has happened very normal but I keep the bad mood and frustration for the next day and probably at night or next day morning I will act normal. Yes, I keep the grunge for one or two days. Examples like this happens very often. She cares more about her dog than me, she is always concerned about her dog in regards food, etc. and she doesn't even care if I have or not eating, dinner, lunch or breakfast. I never asked her to make something but I just expect as a courtesy at least on the weekends to cook a delicious breakfast but she never gets the initiative I am the one that cooks and I don't mine doing it, I love it. It's just got into my mind why she can't have that details of just ask or offers it. Another issue is sex I am the one always initiating it, she is always down to it she never rejected me but it's the same concern. I asked my self why? I have to be the one always initiating it, and also she likes masturbate her self looking female porn celebrities, several times I saw her doing that instead of looking for me and have sex together as a normal couple. I am a very moral, honest and loyal person. I do believe everybody is honest until you proved the contrary, in her mind is all the way around she doesn't trust to any one she thinks everybody is bad we constantly argued about this, she just cares about money and her mind is setup if she need to do something immoral just to protect what she has she would do it, and this drives me crazy. We had a huge argument about this. Once she told me "If I ever have to lie about something, or create a story I would do it. If I need to say that person stole something from me I would say it in order to protect whatever I have"
Is this normal? What should I do? I would love to keep this marriage to the end of my life. This is just driving me crazy and sometimes I am depressed thinking about this, that I am married to an inmoral person. Thank you for your comments and help. I really appreciate them.
Rick, What we allow will continue. You have a voice in the relationship too, and you will have to decide for yourself what you are and are not willing to tolerate in it. Professional counseling is a good place to start that process. Even if she won't go with you, go on you own. It will be just as helpful. -Kurt
I dated the guy for 5 years and got married. It's more than an year I am facing problems in my marriage. He don't take me out on weekends he don't permit me to work neither he gives me enough time. I am not allowed to move out alone . He lock me in the flat and leave for the work morning he leaves at 8 am and come back night 10 pm.basically his shift is of 10 hours but he works extra not for the extra income he helps his friends and colleagues at work. After coming he eat sleep or on phone whenever he needs sex he comes to me. I accept I argue him if he comes late and that argument change into fight and we both behave immature as I get frustrated at home being alone. He behaves differently he curse me beats me shouts i go and hug him and ask him to relax but he pushes me many time he strangle my neck. My mom explained me if he is angry better don't go to him I even tried that he come in front of me and starts beating himself throw all the things shouts at me. If I asked him to stop hurting himself he hurts me.I am 24 and I feel like dying now. In one year of marriage hardly we spend good time. Now I am in my first trimester even yesterday I had an ugly fight with him he behaved the same abnormal way. He torches me a lot . I asked him if he doesn't want to live with me he can better divorce but he refused to divorce neither my family is supporting me everyone is asking me to adjust. Please help
Safa, I realize there may be some cultural issues here, but when things get physical, or you're not allowed out - it's more than just fighting. Read the Abusive Relationship section, the link is on the right of this page, for more information. Also, do an online search for a local women’s shelter so you know where one is. You can also call the national hotline at 800-799-7233 for help 24/7. Be smart and remove yourself from any dangerous situations. -Kurt
My mom and my dad had been married for nearly 15 years and yet their dream after-marriage dream life have yet to come. They detest each other every time my dad talks or even communicates with my mom. Whenever my dad comes back from work (usually once per 2 weeks for weekends), my mom activated her not-so-friendly mood and they always argue over some immature things that even I as a 11-year-old can EASILY solved. Since me and my sister looked different, and I looked more like my mom, I was pulled to my mom's side of argument and "discriminates" my sister for her personality of scolding me over something that normal people would just let it go. I really have no choice but to obey what my mom said and told me to do. She have also been into a fight with her business partner, Mr.Wilson, because she wasn't keeping a eye on some of the files that Wilson sometimes suddenly demands her to bring up to him. They usually argued for a while, then a fight, then a door slam and sounds of things being thrown onto the floor, along with some more arguing. What is wrong with my mom and my sister? Can someone help me?
Fernando, That's nice that you want to help your mom and sister. I'm sorry that you know this much about your parents relationship. It's common for people to have been together for a long time to argue at times. It can put you in an uncomfortable situation but it's not your job to monitor them. Try to focus on your life and not your mom's or sister's. The problem is between your mom and dad, and is their responsibility to resolve it. -Kurt