It’s safe to say we’ve all been lied to at some point. Perhaps we’ve even done the lying ourselves once or twice, too. And we can probably agree that lies, even small ones, can be harmful – especially in a relationship.
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Recently Kate told me she's, "Fighting with my husband constantly."
"Is that normal?" she asked.
Yes and no, I told her.
Disagreements in a relationship are normal. Let’s face it, no matter how much you love someone and get along, you’re each different people with your own thoughts and opinions. In fact, that’s likely something you enjoyed about each other in the beginning.
But disagreement isn’t the same as constant fighting with your husband.
So, yes, occasional disagreements or even arguments are normal, even healthy – constant fighting isn’t.
Some partners disagree more than others. And for some those disagreements turn into arguments, which turn in to fights – regularly.
A disagreement that turns into an argument doesn't have to be bad, but when it turns into a fight, it becomes a problem.
And it's a BIG problem if you say,
I'm fighting with my husband constantly."
When Kate and her husband, Rick, met with me for marriage counseling I witnessed them fight about everything in their lives except for one thing – work.
Everything else,
was a fight to the death over who was right and who was wrong.
Is it any wonder they're both miserable in their marriage and, using their own words, both say they have a “severe and intense dislike for each other”?
When fighting with your husband is constant, hostile, and unproductive it can destroy your marriage.
Learning how to keep disagreements from turning into fights, or at least stopping at the argument level, is crucial for a healthy relationship.
When an argument devolves into a “fight” it means anger is the primary emotion being felt and expressed. This is a problem because anger overrides logic and caring and can lead to words and actions that are extremely damaging.
With anger as the driver, you’re no longer looking for a way to solve things, you’re looking for a way to hurt each other. When this happens frequently it will destroy the relationship.
Take a look at the below social media post I wrote about relationship arguments.
What’s the most important point from the post? The key to a good relationship is not avoiding arguments, but how you deal with them.
I don’t think I’ve ever met partners who enjoy fighting (not both of them anyway). Given the choice, nearly all partners say they just want peace and love (maybe not those exact words).
But for some couples it certainly seems like there’s more effort put into the fight than into keeping the peace.
So much so, in fact, that many couples fail to see what constant fighting is doing to them individually, as well as to their relationship and family.
On an individual level, constantly fighting with your husband will begin to seep out of the relationship and invade other aspects of your life. Eventually you could become someone who’s:
Not flattering, is it?
And no, you’re not the exception.
Constant, unresolved anger is like sand – it gets everywhere. You’ll be finding grains of it in unwanted places for ages.
It also has detrimental consequences for your family. Research shows that children in homes with constant fighting are plagued with a number of social, behavioral, and educational problems.
Among them are:
These are just a few of the areas that can be affected.
It should also be noted that children learn conflict resolution from watching their parents. And no matter how you instruct them, they will eventually do what you do, not what you say.
As for your marriage, the problems are clear.
Constant fighting with your husband will take you down the same path as Kate and Rick, right to that place of “severe and intense dislike” for one another.
The good news is that it doesn’t have to be that way.
Healthy, successful marriages don't avoid conflict, and the disagreements and arguments that come with it. The partners in them have learned how to disagree and work through it without letting the conflict escalate to a fight or turn into verbal abuse.
In the rare instances when it does approach a fighting level, both partner’s recognize it and do something to reduce the conflict, like stepping away and seeking some cooling off time.
There are a variety of other ways to handle anger as well.
In a successful relationship each person will know what way works best for them, as well as their partner's preferred coping mechanism, and will respect their need to use it.
Another important point from the social media post: You win relationship arguments when you're mature enough to choose the relationship over being right.
A fear for many partners is that if they do this it will mean -
This then becomes a power struggle within the relationship, with each partner wanting to assert themselves and be in control.
This fear is an obstacle for Rick. He's afraid if he doesn't fight with his wife (on everything) he'll always be wrong and thus be powerless.
This isn’t true at all.
Here's the secret Rick is missing – when you practice choosing the relationship over being right you'll find you have fewer arguments. And when you do, your partner will probably choose the relationship over being right too.
Win-win.
I've seen many wives fight with their husbands for the same reason - needing to always be right (or more accurately, never be wrong).
So, it's important to note that either sex, male or female, can do this.
See how needing to be right can turn into emotional abuse?
Fighting between husbands and wives can occur for more reasons than just needing to be right though. The psychological causes for this, however, aren't as important as just recognizing how destructive fighting is for the relationship.
If we all can hold on to the truth that 'immature' people choose being right even at the cost of the relationship, while 'mature' people will be wrong if necessary in order to keep the relationship, we're likely to choose to be mature and find more happiness and satisfaction in our relationship.
An added bonus is that we will be more successful on other topics:
Will you choose to be 'mature' or 'immature' in your next argument?
Fighting with your husband constantly is unhealthy and will destroy your marriage.
When you choose the relationship over the need to be right you may be surprised at the positive changes in your relationship and life that will result.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published September 07, 2014, updated on July 3, 2018, July 5, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
It’s safe to say we’ve all been lied to at some point. Perhaps we’ve even done the lying ourselves once or twice, too. And we can probably agree that lies, even small ones, can be harmful – especially in a relationship.
Does the Communication In Your Marriage Need To Improve? Learn 5 key strategies to Improving Communication in any Marriage (or relationship).
What happens when There’s Lack Of Communication In A Relationship? See some real examples of Lack Of Communication In Relationships and why it happens.
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My husband gets angry with me because he wants me to seduce homeless men and he says I'm not into it. Most of the time the men don't feel comfortable with him there. He wants to see me getting them off. If he can't see them "finish" then its wrong. He says his past women did it and all women will love him for letting them be open. But I just don't feel comfortable . He calls me ugly all the time. He says I owe him this. I tried different clothes makeup new hairdo. But he hates my facial looks. He says I look like my dad. He hates my laughs. I don't know what to try to make him happy. I never do what he likes that right way. He says I need to learn to be seductive so I can teach it to our girls who is 16 and 5. He says I'm a bad mom since my daughter doesn't dress like other young girls. He uses no sex as punishment. I Argue wuth him about how he maless me feel but he says I'm just selfish and want things my way. I'm no saint of course. He wants divorce to take the girls, said I have to quit my job because he is the reason I am in my work field and no longer working at warehouse. I am a disobedient wife. God hates me. That God will forgive me because my sin will be on him. We have been married 20 years. I want to make him happy but it seems I can't. What do I do?
Tee, This is much more complicated than can be addressed in this small forum. It's okay that you're uncomfortable and your husband should respect that. I think professional marriage counseling would be a good first step into figuring out what is at the bottom of such a request. If he won't go with you, going on your own will be just as beneficial. -Kurt
My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years. I have finally become bolder in our marriage and confronted him about 1) his need to always be right and 2) his control over everything I spend money on. He even admitted to me he always had to be right. When I finally had enough about the money thing, I rattled off about 50 things that I could remember-things I wanted/thought we needed that he said "no, we don't need that." He even told me not to buy something in front of my best friend. Oddly, I am the primary bread winner in our house yet he has thing hang up about me spending money and I am not talking about shopping for myself. A new mattress set (our's is 20 years old), gravel for our driveway (hasn't been redone in 20 plus years). I have told him before to stop treating me like a child. He said he would go to counseling.......I am still waiting.
Me and my boyfriend have been together for 8 years. Recently he hurt his back at work and is waiting on disability. He is also an alcoholic. I have become the full employed spouse . And I have a business of my own. But my problem is his drinking . We have two children. A beautiful house. Everything that I need in my life other then the respect of my spouse . I have all I need. I feel I'm being used, 8 years no marriage.,and he drinks everyday. I continue to support him and enable him. But it's been two years since he's been able to work.it has got so bad so hard so fast And I have currently gone through a breakdown because of all stress. I feel like I'm doing it all and I feel angry. I feel like he's faking it and using me, why because he drinks and puts all my efforts down. I have stepped out in the past but I apologize and we moved on. I feel like he's not happy anymore and he's only here for the kids. I feel really lost. I love him but I'm angry at him. I feel abandon, I'm sure he feels the same.
Ashely, What we allow to happen in our relationships will continue. You need to decide what it is you want from your relationship, and what you don't. Read the Love Is Gone section on this blog. The Divorce Advice section also has a couple of articles that you may find helpful (don't be deterred by the section name). -Kurt
My husband and I have been married 11 years. We have five kids and run a business together. He is always nitpicking everything I do which leads to arguments.Why nitpick when you could just help out? Do it your way if you don't like my way? I'm open to it, I'm not hard to deal with. I do all the cleaning of our 6 bedroom house. I take care of the kids myself. To me if things need to get done I just do it. I feel it's so unnecessary to fight about it. He will not help out yet he still nitpicks EVERYTHING. How in the world does someone nitpick someone that's pretty much doing everything without bothering them about it. I feel like my husband is the dumbest person I've ever met. I wish I was my own wife cause I'm awesome and I never nag him even though I should. He seriously has it made. Why won't he help out or shut up? I'm so tired of arguing with him.
Portia, Have you told him that if he has a better way, that you wouldn't mind if he just did it? He may be picking up on it that you feel he is "dumb". You can't control his behavior or nitpicking, but you can control how you react to it. -Kurt
My husband and I have been together for 8 years and married for 2. After a year of living together he confessed to cheating on me with 2 girls and hanging out with a few. I forgave him or at least I tried because I want to make it work. I love him so much and I want to believe that he will never do such a thing but itis always in the back of my mind, so much that I even dream about it. He recently quit his job (where he cheated) and now is opening a business of his own, I can't help but think he will cheat on me again and I lose it and fight with him about it even though he swears on everything that he loves me and he wouldn't trade me for anything. I just don't want to get played again and when we fight we both say hurtful things. How can I forgive him completely and move forward because it is really holding me back and making me hate life when I have everything I need? I want to be with this man forever but my insecurities come in the way. HELP
Shabs, Trust is hard to earn once it's lost. It's tough to survive cheating, but it's very possible with hard work. It does usually require the help of a professional who can give you the tools you need to work through it. Read the articles in the Cheating Spouse section for more information. -Kurt