Are you Married To An Angry Man? Find out from one wife’s real-life experience what it's like being Married To An Angry Man. See if Angry Men can change.
Living with someone who has anger problems can be very unnerving. Anger makes everyone uncomfortable, but what makes it even worse is never knowing what's going to make them blow. Despite this unpredictability, there are some common causes of anger problems.
Ironically, the person with anger management issues often times says the same thing -- they typically describe their anger as being unpredictable too and are unaware of what causes their anger (take a look at Do I Need Anger Management?).
One of the causes of anger problems is unrealistic expectations. Here's a post from our social media pages about expectations. Read the post and then I'll explain how it relates to anger management.
The statement in this image really nails it in describing one of the causes of anger problems -- "What screws us up most in life is the picture in our head of how it is supposed to be."
A situation that triggered anger for a guy I was treating in anger management classes recently was helping his son with homework. The guy wanted to help his son, so that wasn't the problem. What triggered his anger was his expectation that his son should be able to understand the math problems the way he did. He placed his expectations for himself on to his son, and when his son didn't meet them (which happened each time) out came the anger.
As I said at the beginning of the above social media post, "Unrealistic expectations are one of the main causes of the pain in our lives." And for many of us this pain comes out in the form of anger.
So if expectations are one of the causes of anger problems, should we even have them? Yes. Expectations can be good for us; they help us to plan and be prepared. What makes expectations not good is when they're unrealistic.
The guy I describe above was being unrealistic in expecting his 13-year-old son to understand algebra the way he does. When I taught him how to change his expectations for his son, his anger wasn't triggered. As is usually the case, this guy's anger problems and what caused them was a lot more complicated than just 8th grade algebra. But learning to change expectations is one step towards successful anger management.
If you know someone with anger problems, share this post with them and ask them what they think. And if you're someone who struggles with anger (like me), take a look at your expectations and consider how they could be one of the causes of anger problems for you too.
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Are you Married To An Angry Man? Find out from one wife’s real-life experience what it's like being Married To An Angry Man. See if Angry Men can change.
Got a stubborn husband?I know what that’s like. I work with them every day (I used to be one).
Everything seems fine. Then, out nowhere, your husband loses his temper over something little.
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My husband (I use the word loosely) who is an ordained minister with Victory Outreach, phoned and texted his whore during my son's viewing and during my son's funeral, burial and literally the entire evening and ALL night the day of the funeral. He has been cheating on me for seven years with whores, six of them with a a very ugly whore 35 years his junior and had discussions about them spending their lives together. Problem was neither one could support the other. They both need my money. What kind of sick monster does something like that to another human being???
Ann, You'd be better off asking and answering the question, "What kind of person stays with someone like that?" Learning the answer and then changing your life to having a healthy response will set you free. -Kurt
My anger has caused my 12 yr relationship. Its been 2 months and im scared I've lost him. The blog was what i needed to know i expect way to much i love him so much and never showed him the right way never a card or even a present. Does that i mean i dont love him? He falls under some of those categories. What do i do? Help me save marriage i know i love him, does he love me?
Yolanda, Anger doesn't mean we don't love our partner. It just means we don't show it as well as we could. Going to anger management classes would be a good place to start to show him you love him enough to learn how to change yourself. -Kurt
My husband and i fight more than we get along. When its good its really good. But its never that way for long. We fight about me making time for him and the kids and money. He has called me every name in the book, every swear word you can think of. He's done it in private, in public, in front of friends, yelled it out the front door as i was leaving. What can i do to stop this?
Traci, abuse of any kind, including verbal is detrimental and never okay. Anger issues and the resulting behaviors are very complicated. They are also not easily addressed or solved in this venue. You and your husband would greatly benefit from speaking with a professional counselor to help untangle the issues you are experiencing. Based on what you have said, I would recommend doing this sooner rather than later. -Dr. Kurt