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Are there dangers to dating while separated? You bet - and for both of you.
Relationships can get really complicated these days. With people marrying less and divorcing more, it's no wonder that dating while separated has become a commonplace and problematic issue for people.
It may seem like no big deal, I mean separated is nearly divorced, right?
Not exactly.
Dating while separated actually poses a number of potential problems.
I most often run into people dating while separated when they're separated themselves and involved with someone else who's separated too.
A more accurate term for 'separated' in most of these cases would really be 'separating,' since few of these people are actually through their divorces or have completely ended their previous relationships.
In some cases couples, because of children and other intricacies related to married life, are still deeply involved with their soon to be ex-spouses. Or, they’re in a trial separation and uncertain of where the relationship is truly headed.
One of the most common temptations people fall for when a relationship is ending is the desire to find a new love - and to do so right now!
Often these people have been unhappy and missing love, companionship, and sex for a long time, and so there's a real pent-up, unmet need for love.
The desire for these things is completely normal. And feeling urgency to find them when they’ve been denied to you for a long time is also normal. Those desires have to be tempered, however.
Moving too quickly into a new relationship is almost always a bad idea, and these relationships rarely last.
Since I counsel men and women before, during, and after a relationship or marriage, including through a divorce, I frequently see people dating when separated.
And with the prevalence of cheating, much of the time one partner has already begun a new relationship and the other partner is now seeking to get 'mine.’
This is not a good way to start a relationship. Relationships that begin out of desperation and without both people being emotionally healthy are going to bring a lot of additional problems into your life.
Once it's been decided by one or both partners to end the relationship, most typically both partners start seeking a new relationship.
Being separated and not dating is one of the hardest temptations to resist.
After all, you're free, right? Well, not really.
So what's the problem with dating while separated?
Here are 5 reasons why it's a bad idea and will only cause you (and your new love) a lot of heartache:
1.You're Not Really Available. If you're ending a marriage, obviously you're not legally available to remarry until the divorce is final, which can take quite a bit of time (more info about dating someone separated).
But when all relationships end, there's also a period of time that has to go by for the relationship to truly come to an end in other ways. You’ll have work to do mentally, emotionally, financially, and practically (living situations, legal issues, and friends) before you can honestly and fully put yourself out there.
2. You're Not Ready for a New Partner. Now note that I didn't say you don't 'want' a new partner. Almost everyone going through a separation does. But regardless of what you 'want,' you're not ready. No one is.
You probably don't realize it, but you're not going to be ready emotionally or mentally for quite some time. That can be hard to hear, but dating while separated interrupts the process of healing, growing, and becoming emotionally strong enough again to dedicate yourself to someone else.
Even if you feel emotionally disconnected from your ex, leaving a long-term relationship brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Sorting through them and getting yourself into a stable place where you're able to be fully available for another partner takes time.
3.You Haven't Learned Your Lessons Yet. Regardless of what you want to believe, you bear responsibility for your relationship failing. There are important lessons for all of us to learn from our failed relationships - about our partners and ourselves. Learning these and taking them to heart helps us to have more successful relationships in the future.
Sadly, most people rob themselves of the opportunity to learn and they most often do this is by dating when separated. If you don't take the time to learn from your failed relationship before jumping into a new one, you're very likely to repeat the same mistakes with the next person.
4. It's Emotion, Not Reason. Getting into a new relationship when you're separated is going to be more about emotion than reason. Your new relationship will be more like a fantasy vacation than a real, day-to-day relationship because you’re not full available yet.
And a lot of the time it's driven more by wanting to escape the old relationship, rather than really wanting to be in the new one. This is not good or fair for you and especially not for the person you begin dating.
5. The Odds Are Really High It Won't Last. Nearly all relationships that begin during a separation won't last. It doesn't have to do with you or your new partner, but just the timing.
You're starting on the wrong footing. I often counsel people with big relationship problems around trust and insecurity that originate from their relationship having begun before the previous one ended.
There are additional practical reasons that dating while separated is a generally a losing proposition because of how it can complicate:
Are all big considerations that complicate a new relationship even in the best of circumstances. If you’re in the process of separating, then these issues become a greater concern creating even bigger hurtles to overcome.
It can seem impossible to control your emotions and desires during a separation.
These all comprise a tangled mess of feelings common during the separation phase. Of course, these emotions often don’t stop the interest in creating a new love connection, but usually drive it even more.
If you really care about your new love interest, however, you'll force yourself to apply more reason than emotion to your decision about dating while separated.
You'll also make your decision about more than just what you want.
If the new person that you’re interested in dating is really the person you’re meant to be with, then waiting until you’re really ready won’t hurt things.
Truthfully, if they’re smart they’ll recognize that you need more time as well.
Let’s recap:
So, as you’re contemplating your new freedom and desire for a new partner remember to make decisions wisely because a lot of heartache is at stake when you date while separated.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 9, 2013, updated on May 8, 2018, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I have been dated with a separated woman but she is fine.
Amazing. Thank you so much. I know I made the right decision now.
I don't agree with you Raquel. The marriage is over the moment one or both parties decide to end their commitment to the marriage. I've known of a couple who have been together for 5 years but married for 15 years. Why? Because both parties took so long to finalize the divorce paperwork but they had separated. So yes, it is possible to date while separated. So dating a separated man is waste of time.
I meet a man on a dating site January 2nd, 2019 that was legally separated, and he lives out of state 80% of the time for work. We seen each other ever other weekend and was not sexually active until about 45days into the relationship. We did talk ever day until May 3, 2019 when he said I was clouding his judgment, and he was having feeling he didn't want to have. He said that he has been married twice and married since he was 18yrs old and he is now 45.He is struggling with how he is starting to feel when were together, and when he gets that feeling he ends up married. I am crushed, told him to remove the feelings lets be friends, and have fun getting more familiar with each other. If something comes out of it great later on, but I wasn't looking for that now either, my best friend, someone who wants to go places, vacation, travel we live 400 miles from each other 80% of the time. Its been 4days without us talking, and my heart is broken. He is in town this week for the selling of his home and divorce hearing, do I make contact with him before he goes back to his other home, or wait until he gets back and away from everything going on with his divorce and house. the clouding judgment has me confused HELP
Kym, If he isn't legally divorced yet there is a fair chance there are still many issues he has to contend with. Even once a divorce is final it can take a while for someone to be really ready for a new relationship. My suggestion is that you allow there to be some space until everything is completely settled. -Dr. Kurt
Thank you Dr. Kurt, so I have not spoken with the legally separated man in 14days, and its killing me...He has texted me several times, and I have not replied back to him, im not sure if I should or shouldn't reply back at this time. It's been 8days since his last text, Im sure he thinks im mad at him. I want to just send a text and see how he is doing, But I am not sure if its the right thing to do or not. I kinda feel deep down he would reach out by phone if he really cared about me, but if he thinks im done with him he might feel like he shouldn't bother. But I also understand he is still trying to finalize his divorce with a ton of stress, since she is fighting everything. But I have also noticed he is showing another women a lot of attention on her facebook page. Just so confused and heartbroken not sure what I should be doing. With me ignoring his text would he just think im pissed and ignoring him, and that's why he is not reaching out. Then I think he is probably thinking this is a easy way out for him, I don't no what the man is thinking and im so confused on what I should do. I way don't want to loose him, and I think maybe he could also being seeing several women to see what might be the best fit for him. But the last time he was in town we did not meet up, and that was extremely hurtful. I don't want to loose him as a friend, and I truly am not sure if that's all he thinks about me or not. Is it possible he is seeing several women to see the best fit, or is it true after a divorce for a man they need over a year to decide if they want to date or not again. Please just help me figure out if I should keep in contact with him or not.