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Are there dangers to dating while separated? You bet - and for both of you.
Relationships can get really complicated these days. With people marrying less and divorcing more, it's no wonder that dating while separated has become a commonplace and problematic issue for people.
It may seem like no big deal, I mean separated is nearly divorced, right?
Not exactly.
Dating while separated actually poses a number of potential problems.
I most often run into people dating while separated when they're separated themselves and involved with someone else who's separated too.
A more accurate term for 'separated' in most of these cases would really be 'separating,' since few of these people are actually through their divorces or have completely ended their previous relationships.
In some cases couples, because of children and other intricacies related to married life, are still deeply involved with their soon to be ex-spouses. Or, they’re in a trial separation and uncertain of where the relationship is truly headed.
One of the most common temptations people fall for when a relationship is ending is the desire to find a new love - and to do so right now!
Often these people have been unhappy and missing love, companionship, and sex for a long time, and so there's a real pent-up, unmet need for love.
The desire for these things is completely normal. And feeling urgency to find them when they’ve been denied to you for a long time is also normal. Those desires have to be tempered, however.
Moving too quickly into a new relationship is almost always a bad idea, and these relationships rarely last.
Since I counsel men and women before, during, and after a relationship or marriage, including through a divorce, I frequently see people dating when separated.
And with the prevalence of cheating, much of the time one partner has already begun a new relationship and the other partner is now seeking to get 'mine.’
This is not a good way to start a relationship. Relationships that begin out of desperation and without both people being emotionally healthy are going to bring a lot of additional problems into your life.
Once it's been decided by one or both partners to end the relationship, most typically both partners start seeking a new relationship.
Being separated and not dating is one of the hardest temptations to resist.
After all, you're free, right? Well, not really.
So what's the problem with dating while separated?
Here are 5 reasons why it's a bad idea and will only cause you (and your new love) a lot of heartache:
1.You're Not Really Available. If you're ending a marriage, obviously you're not legally available to remarry until the divorce is final, which can take quite a bit of time (more info about dating someone separated).
But when all relationships end, there's also a period of time that has to go by for the relationship to truly come to an end in other ways. You’ll have work to do mentally, emotionally, financially, and practically (living situations, legal issues, and friends) before you can honestly and fully put yourself out there.
2. You're Not Ready for a New Partner. Now note that I didn't say you don't 'want' a new partner. Almost everyone going through a separation does. But regardless of what you 'want,' you're not ready. No one is.
You probably don't realize it, but you're not going to be ready emotionally or mentally for quite some time. That can be hard to hear, but dating while separated interrupts the process of healing, growing, and becoming emotionally strong enough again to dedicate yourself to someone else.
Even if you feel emotionally disconnected from your ex, leaving a long-term relationship brings up a lot of complicated feelings. Sorting through them and getting yourself into a stable place where you're able to be fully available for another partner takes time.
3.You Haven't Learned Your Lessons Yet. Regardless of what you want to believe, you bear responsibility for your relationship failing. There are important lessons for all of us to learn from our failed relationships - about our partners and ourselves. Learning these and taking them to heart helps us to have more successful relationships in the future.
Sadly, most people rob themselves of the opportunity to learn and they most often do this is by dating when separated. If you don't take the time to learn from your failed relationship before jumping into a new one, you're very likely to repeat the same mistakes with the next person.
4. It's Emotion, Not Reason. Getting into a new relationship when you're separated is going to be more about emotion than reason. Your new relationship will be more like a fantasy vacation than a real, day-to-day relationship because you’re not full available yet.
And a lot of the time it's driven more by wanting to escape the old relationship, rather than really wanting to be in the new one. This is not good or fair for you and especially not for the person you begin dating.
5. The Odds Are Really High It Won't Last. Nearly all relationships that begin during a separation won't last. It doesn't have to do with you or your new partner, but just the timing.
You're starting on the wrong footing. I often counsel people with big relationship problems around trust and insecurity that originate from their relationship having begun before the previous one ended.
There are additional practical reasons that dating while separated is a generally a losing proposition because of how it can complicate:
Are all big considerations that complicate a new relationship even in the best of circumstances. If you’re in the process of separating, then these issues become a greater concern creating even bigger hurtles to overcome.
It can seem impossible to control your emotions and desires during a separation.
These all comprise a tangled mess of feelings common during the separation phase. Of course, these emotions often don’t stop the interest in creating a new love connection, but usually drive it even more.
If you really care about your new love interest, however, you'll force yourself to apply more reason than emotion to your decision about dating while separated.
You'll also make your decision about more than just what you want.
If the new person that you’re interested in dating is really the person you’re meant to be with, then waiting until you’re really ready won’t hurt things.
Truthfully, if they’re smart they’ll recognize that you need more time as well.
Let’s recap:
So, as you’re contemplating your new freedom and desire for a new partner remember to make decisions wisely because a lot of heartache is at stake when you date while separated.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 9, 2013, updated on May 8, 2018, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Divorce can cause major turbulence in an already complicated time for your teen. Learn more here.
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Relationships are just hard! Maybe you could ask your wife on a date? Woo her, send her flowers? Just a thought. If you have lived under the same roof for that long, there must be something she loves/loved about you and you her. ALL relationships ebb & flow and that is why I am considering a reconciliation. I wish you the best.
Fearless,
Thank you for your kind words. I had posted my same story on a marriage/divorce forum and people were cruel and heartless in their responses. I don't know if that would work for my situation because of the amount of time but I hope whatever choice you make that it works out for you!
Update - I met Mike July 2015 he was only separated when we met. I took a chance on him as I know the "rules" about dating separated. But I came to the conclusion LOVE and DATING will not give you a sure bet. Hey anyone can break it off with you... Dated a divorced - a widowed man or a man that has never been married. And that didn't work out so what's the difference ? So here I am 2 ½ yrs later... he is still trying to get that divorce and we are living together 1 year and sooo very happy together!! So glad I took the chance I almost didn't because of his "status" of separated. People are not possessions .. they are allowed to leave, change their minds. Hold on loosely but don't let go
Likewise I would like to have read this 2 years ago but I didn't. I was in a marriage of 30 years and unhappy...looking toward the last third of my life that way wasn't a good feeling. Even after separation for 5 months and that long in professional counselling, I knew that I was not going to recover the marriage. However what I found was a female friend (platonic for 15+ years) that listened and cared about me, even encouraging me to consider going back if it was right for me.
The struggle at that time is different (making a decision to get involved) then it is today (deciding how to move forward) because in looking back, it feels like a REALLY GOOD rebound relationship but at that time I think that we both were living in the moment. I didn't date others but moved head on into a new relationship. And I am now challenged with still grieving a lost marriage, long-standing friendship with my soon to be ex-wife and relationship with my adult kids that didn't see my pain behind the scenes in the marriage. However the kids (all in their 20s) continue to judge their dad's "adultery" because as far as they see it, until the divorce papers are final, I am still married to their mother. I was their hero for creating the perfect family and at the risk of my happiness which they now see as completely selfish.
The story isn't complete, but the topic of dating or entering a relationship while separated is an individual one, at least that's my view. Nobody wants to be in my situation, nor do I want to be in yours. We make the best decisions we can and live/learn from them the way we always do in life.
One last thing... tomorrow is promised to no one. It has been a long time since I've felt better but at the same time feeling so low. My heart aches right now and yet this too shall pass. If someone asked me if they should date during separation, I would suggest that they have put the past behind them before doing so.
Well first of all, you're trying to explain what you "think" God wants. That never ends well, because nobody can possibly know what God wants.
The Bible also says that God hates divorce too.
And as far as two people growing apart and not loving eachother anymore, there's alot of reasons for that happening. It's not always black and white. But I can guarantee you that it was contributed to by both spouses or one of them.
There's many reasons why it happens, and to say that to people just fall out of love with eachother sounds like nonsense to me. There's usually always an underlying reason/cause as to why it happened. You don't just wake up one day and realize that you don't live your spouse anymore. You have to learn to evolve with your spouse if you want to continue loving one another. Love changes it's not static.
Actually Betty,
Jesus stated in the New Testament that you commit adultary simply by looking another man or women with lust.
Don't push religious views here...not the forum
If you don't like it, don't read it. It's an open forum.
Dating while separating is selfish, wrong, and immoral. You are bringing another person into the mix. They can start participating in the divorce, finances, child custody etc. It just messes things up more than they already are. Grow up and get a divorce and then have your relationship. Dont use your spouse and family to add excitement to your relationship with someone who is such a loser they would have a relationship with someone who is married. You are bringing that loser into your family mix.