Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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It's usually easier for us to see other people’s problems than it is to see our own. This is especially true when it comes to seeing the signs of an abusive relationship. It's much easier to spot an abusive relationship when you're on the outside looking in, than it is when we're in the middle of one.
Read the following submission I received from a man named Scott and see what signs of an abusive relationship you can spot in his situation:
Hi my name is Scott. I recently moved in with my fiancée. But I think she can be my common law wife? She has two older kids of her first marriage. 15 year old son and a 19 year old daughter. She has a strong temper. It's very hard to adjust since I never had kids of my own. I am planning to have my first child with her though. Anyway, we both have hurt each other emotionally and sometimes physically. When we fight it's all about insults. I am the one who always apologizes, but she keeps fighting, insults, orders me around. She gets anxiety attacks when she fights. My problem was that I tried to stop her leaving the house. That's when she gets violent and throws things at the floor, uses anything to hit me, injures me. When we don't fight it's great. I want this relationship to work. We just got a new house, I got her a vehicle, some furniture. I have her very spoiled. I can't say no to anything she wants." - Scott
So how many signs of abuse did you find in their relationship?
Reading Scott’s submission, I think there are at least 13 signs he’s in an abusive relationship, and potentially even more depending on how hard you look. That may seem like a lot, but actually having that many isn’t that unusual.
Abuse in relationships is typically very subtle and yet complex in the ways it occurs.
Here are the abusive relationship signs I see in Scott's relationship and why:
Scott is like a lot of people in relationships with abuse, he knows something's not right, but he’s not quite sure what. Many either have no idea they're in an abusive relationship or how bad the abuse really is. It's also important to note that men can be just as likely to be the victim of abuse, like Scott, as they can be to be the abuser.
A question I often ask partners in counseling is whether the problem behaviors in their relationship should be considered abuse. Most are surprised that I would ask since they’ve never considered that possibility themselves.
If your husband yells at you once does that make it relationship abuse? No, but yelling at someone is still an abusive behavior – regardless of the provocation, intent, or how infrequently it occurs.
And if your wife called you an idiot and gave you the silent treatment for a few days a year ago, does that mean you’re in an abusive relationship? Not necessarily, but again these behaviors are still forms of abuse.
The problem is that in some relationships once these behaviors emerge, they can multiply and escalate over time. It’s the accumulation of abusive behaviors, their frequency, severity, and effect on the partner that needs to be considered.
One bad day doesn’t need to brand your relationship as an abusive one, BUT one bad day when the behaviors are out-of-bounds and go unaddressed will very often lead to other days with similar behaviors, and it only gets worse as time goes on.
It typically takes a trained professional counselor to spot all the signs of an abusive relationship. And a counselor is definitely needed to navigate the difficult path to changing or exiting one. So don't resist asking for help. It's not possible to do it alone and keeping silent is another sign you're in an abusive relationship.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 12, 2013 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
Want to know what Abusive Women are really like? Take a look at 7 behaviors used by Women who are Abusive. Read quotes from Women who Abuse and partners.
No one gets into a relationship expecting to be controlled by their partner.
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I see abuse from both parties in this.
But some of that may be just my perception, based on my own experience.
My ex-husband was very verbally abusive and controlling - it only escalated after I left him and he stalked me for over 2 years, even after he remarried.
Had he ever spoken about our relationship to anyone, he would have said many of the same things that Scott writes - But in my ex's case many of them would be untrue. He lied not only to others, but to himself about the state of our marriage before I left - pretending everything was fine, and even more so after I left - blaming everything on me, including telling my co-workers that I was out 'whoring around with everything on two legs.'
He used to tell people that he gave me "everything [I] wanted" - but what he was doing was trying to buy my acceptance of his abuse. He spent thousands of dollars on gifts for me the Christmas before I left him. These were things I had not asked for, and would have requested he not waste money on if I had known what he was doing. He thought any animosity between us could be resolved by buying me things. All I wanted was for him to stop treating me like I was stupid or crazy, and stop berating me on the rare occasions I went out to dinner with my girlfriends. (That is one of the most painful things he did - because I always ASKED to see if he was okay with me going, then when I got home, "Who'd you dance with?" "Where'd you go?" "Are you drunk?" "How many drinks have you had?" "I bet you are happy with yourself now, huh? Running off and abandoning me and our daughter like this.")