You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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Contents
Part 1 of 2
Have you ever thought your husband doesn't love you and wondered why?
Maybe you’ve asked him, and he says he does, but you still don't feel it.
Or maybe he says he's changed, or you've changed.
Perhaps he just ignores you.
Regardless, if you're left feeling confused and struggling with the painful thought, “He doesn't love me,” you undoubtedly want to know why and what you can do about it.
Feeling that your partner doesn’t love you is incredibly painful.
Unfortunately, that feeling isn’t uncommon in long-term relationships. But being common doesn’t mean it’s okay or healthy.
If you’re feeling that your husband no longer loves you, the good news is there’s probably something you can do about it.
When you love someone who doesn't love you back there are a variety of different scenarios that can occur.
If you're in a committed relationship with somebody, perhaps a marriage, it most likely started out as a loving relationship. And if it has now turned into one that feels one-sided then you’re probably feeling lonely, lost, and confused.
The typical reason for these feelings is the tendency for people to grow apart.
If we're not intentional about really growing the relationship and working at building love continually, we're going to slowly drift apart. This can happen to all couples if they’re not careful.
So, we all have to keep a focus on keeping love active and alive - nourishing it like we would a garden.
The answer to why he doesn’t love you can be partly found here – you’ve grown apart.
If he says you both have changed, and that's why he doesn't love you, the above is generally how that happens.
To help you begin to answer why he doesn't love you, let's look at some excerpts (in italics) from my Google Hangouts on Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love You.
There can be other things that can be contributing to growing apart. Attraction can be gone, and a lot of times when we hear that, in particular for men, we think it's sexual attraction. We don't find our partner sexually attractive. Actually, for a lot of guys it isn't so much that. A lot of times they just don't feel attracted to their partner because of some relationship and behavioral type things. I was working with a guy last year and he described his partner, when they would talk and deal with issues, like a pit bull who would just continually come after and after and after him. It wasn’t so much that he wasn’t attracted to her physically, he wasn’t attracted to her emotionally because of how she treated him.
In answering your question, why he doesn't love me, you've got to be willing to look at yourself too and see how you could be contributing to his not feeling love towards you.
So, the attraction can take on several different components, which can lead into us feeling like we don't love the other person and then the other person feels like their loving someone who doesn't love them back. Other things that can develop a lot of times when we are not feeling loved is we can reach outside the relationship. We run into affairs happening. Sometimes there can be midlife crisis events happening for people. A lot of times that’s what men struggle with. Or there can be other things that are taking attention away, like porn and those types of things.
If it feels like your husband no longer loves you it doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage.
There are actually ways to bring love back, but doing that will take some work.
It may also mean facing some uncomfortable truths about yourself and your contribution to the current circumstances. In a situation like this some fault usually lies on both sides. That can be difficult to accept.
The upside, however, is that it also means you have some power to change things.
How?
You can’t force him to love you, but you can choose behaviors that remind him of the person he fell in love with and why he loved you in the first place.
We all grow and change, there’s nothing wrong with that. But if you’ve lost sight of who are or were, or have become someone you don’t recognize, then chances are he’s noticed too.
Love seems simple, but it’s really pretty complicated. And feeling like your husband doesn't love you anymore is one of the most difficult complications.
If you’re feeling like your husband’s stopped loving you, remember the following:
This is just the first stage of beginning to understand why you feel he doesn't love me, and the possible reasons why he really may not love you, at least not like he used to.
In the next article, When He Doesn't Love You Back, we'll discuss some of the other factors in why couples don't love each other anymore.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Aug 31, 2013 updated on September 29, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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how am I supposed to forget my ex girlfriend ?
Some men cause the relationships to sink cz they can't specify when to marry their partners
Why tell your wife during an argument that you haven't been happy for sometime but never mention it before? Then when your wife has been trying her hardest to fix all the things that she believes has made you unhappy (although most of them are out of her control) and appears to be the only one putting in an effort, but too scared to ask questions for fear of losing her husband. Then the husband who in the serious conversation post arguement says they do love you, but needs time to figure out what they want? Then almost 2 weeks go by and the wife is trying everything to keep the marriage together as she loves her husband more than anything. You start becoming sexually involved again (at the husbands request, because your too scared of smothering him if you try to initiate it) even going as far as doing things you wouldn't normally do. Then you tell your husband after making love that you love him and he doesn't answer, then when you ask "don't you love me anymore?" He replies with "don't push me, I need time". How is this fair on the wife who thinks the world of her husband and only wants her marriage to work, but since the serious arguement, there has been no communication on his part. How long does a wife have to wait to know if this is the end?
Jo, It isn't fair, you're right. You don't have to wait around for him to make a decision - it's your marriage, too, and you have a say in this. See the articles in the Love Is Gone section, and maybe Midlife Crisis for some suggestions. -Kurt
Jo & Kurt,
Been there done that still working on my marriage & about to throw in the towel.... The only time I see "these guys" (no not all men, but like Jo refers to) interested again is when you basically "forget them", focus solely on you, work on you, grow become positive & happy & self sustaining again, and then decide, " is it worth it?". Because the minute he no longer has your interest and you are positively growing he will 9x out of 10 be interested again....its like the toy he cannot have..... but do you want to keep playing that game. Its a darn yo-yo..... I've done it on & off for 5-6 years the 3 before that was fantastic.... then he changed. Unfortunately its a hard choice, but it IS a choice, one you have to make. You can stay, put up with the garbage & change your perspective to cope, or you can not put up with it (whatever that means for you)..... I know in my case I'll most likely leave, a girl can only be ignored so long & then when crushed, angry, hurt & resentful tries to avoid conversation for a day or two for fear of saying something hurtful she cannot take back gets accused of cheating or some other nonsense..... he's projecting I know it.... its just hard to move past someone you love & share kids with... wish me luck... whatever I end up choosing..
I know that feeling well, my marriage has a cycle to it the last few years where he ignores me doesn't say I love you or even show he cares about me in any way I the. Feel empty inside and worthless till I can't take it anymore and ask him what's going on he then says he doesn't know what he wants or he wants a divorce we talk more about how that would work for our kids and how it would work financially I do everything I can to fix the issues he has with me i.e. appearance clutter around the house etc he decides he wants to stay and try to work it out and I'm left to wait for the other shoe to fall when he decides again that he wants out meanwhile I'm walking on eggshells trying to keep him happy I don't think I can take it much longer but he refuses counciling
Cyndy, I would suggest to going to see a professional counselor without him, if that's what you want to do. Both partners don't need to be there for it to be beneficial. In my experience, once one goes, the other partner wants to so they can be heard as well. -Kurt
Because in this society men can throw women away and damage us and the next one says they will be there and then call you crazy...
This is a very helpful blog. After reading the comments I felt like I'm not alone. I thought I'm the only person experiencing the issue. My partner for 11 years told me he doesn't love me anymore and he only stays because of our daughter. I gave him the option to leave but he didn't. Here I am trying to fix what I can to save our relationship but on the other side he continue to be indifferent. I have this gut feeling that he is exploring other people and he started omitting some of the things he is telling me. There are somehow inconsistencies in his stories but I'm afraid to call it out. It's is really difficult to make decision if you also have little ones who are depending on the two of you.
Jo, I'm glad you have found some help here on the site. Have you thought about counseling? A professional counselor can help you both get to the bottom of what's happening, and the tools to deal with it. Even if your partner won't go with you, it's ok to go on your own. More often than not, once one partner comes in, the other one wants to, too. -Kurt
I understand that I recently found out my husband has been cheating on and off for the past 4 years we have been together since 2001 and married since 2007 have 3 kids and he says he is committed to working things out but is indifferent to me and spends all his time on the phone. I don't want to leave my kids would be devastated but I can't continue like this either