You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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Contents
Part 1 of 2
Have you ever thought your husband doesn't love you and wondered why?
Maybe you’ve asked him, and he says he does, but you still don't feel it.
Or maybe he says he's changed, or you've changed.
Perhaps he just ignores you.
Regardless, if you're left feeling confused and struggling with the painful thought, “He doesn't love me,” you undoubtedly want to know why and what you can do about it.
Feeling that your partner doesn’t love you is incredibly painful.
Unfortunately, that feeling isn’t uncommon in long-term relationships. But being common doesn’t mean it’s okay or healthy.
If you’re feeling that your husband no longer loves you, the good news is there’s probably something you can do about it.
When you love someone who doesn't love you back there are a variety of different scenarios that can occur.
If you're in a committed relationship with somebody, perhaps a marriage, it most likely started out as a loving relationship. And if it has now turned into one that feels one-sided then you’re probably feeling lonely, lost, and confused.
The typical reason for these feelings is the tendency for people to grow apart.
If we're not intentional about really growing the relationship and working at building love continually, we're going to slowly drift apart. This can happen to all couples if they’re not careful.
So, we all have to keep a focus on keeping love active and alive - nourishing it like we would a garden.
The answer to why he doesn’t love you can be partly found here – you’ve grown apart.
If he says you both have changed, and that's why he doesn't love you, the above is generally how that happens.
To help you begin to answer why he doesn't love you, let's look at some excerpts (in italics) from my Google Hangouts on Loving Someone Who Doesn't Love You.
There can be other things that can be contributing to growing apart. Attraction can be gone, and a lot of times when we hear that, in particular for men, we think it's sexual attraction. We don't find our partner sexually attractive. Actually, for a lot of guys it isn't so much that. A lot of times they just don't feel attracted to their partner because of some relationship and behavioral type things. I was working with a guy last year and he described his partner, when they would talk and deal with issues, like a pit bull who would just continually come after and after and after him. It wasn’t so much that he wasn’t attracted to her physically, he wasn’t attracted to her emotionally because of how she treated him.
In answering your question, why he doesn't love me, you've got to be willing to look at yourself too and see how you could be contributing to his not feeling love towards you.
So, the attraction can take on several different components, which can lead into us feeling like we don't love the other person and then the other person feels like their loving someone who doesn't love them back. Other things that can develop a lot of times when we are not feeling loved is we can reach outside the relationship. We run into affairs happening. Sometimes there can be midlife crisis events happening for people. A lot of times that’s what men struggle with. Or there can be other things that are taking attention away, like porn and those types of things.
If it feels like your husband no longer loves you it doesn’t have to be the end of your marriage.
There are actually ways to bring love back, but doing that will take some work.
It may also mean facing some uncomfortable truths about yourself and your contribution to the current circumstances. In a situation like this some fault usually lies on both sides. That can be difficult to accept.
The upside, however, is that it also means you have some power to change things.
How?
You can’t force him to love you, but you can choose behaviors that remind him of the person he fell in love with and why he loved you in the first place.
We all grow and change, there’s nothing wrong with that. But if you’ve lost sight of who are or were, or have become someone you don’t recognize, then chances are he’s noticed too.
Love seems simple, but it’s really pretty complicated. And feeling like your husband doesn't love you anymore is one of the most difficult complications.
If you’re feeling like your husband’s stopped loving you, remember the following:
This is just the first stage of beginning to understand why you feel he doesn't love me, and the possible reasons why he really may not love you, at least not like he used to.
In the next article, When He Doesn't Love You Back, we'll discuss some of the other factors in why couples don't love each other anymore.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published Aug 31, 2013 updated on September 29, 2020, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
You have this nagging feeling that your husband is no longer in love with you. Learn what to do next
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My boyfriend and I have been dating for a short amount of time 10 months and living together for two. I knew I loved him from the first interaction, we have so much in common on so many levels. He treats me like a goddess and I treat him just as well.
Again, I know we haven't been together long but I know I'm in love with him. Our relationship is basically perfect aside from this... For some reason or another he isn't in love with me. I've tried changing myself since the first time he didn't confirm being in love with me.
I'm a firm believer in the fact that you can't control who you fall in love with. I fear that if he isn't in love by now he won't ever be in love with me. Am I wrong for that? Am I wrong for wanting to end things since he can't tell me why? Am I wrong for thinking that somewhere down the line he's going to realize himself what I've always known?
I just don't have anyone to talk to about this. Is breaking up with him now a good idea or too premature? Can he actually fall in love with me?
Tessa, I don't know him, so I can't say for sure, but I always have hope that relationships will work out. 10 months isn't that long to be dating, and saying "I love you" is a big thing. Whether or not ending the relationship is the right thing to do, or investing more time to see if he does fall in love, is something you will have to decide for yourself. -Kurt
Glad I found this, been married 19years, 3 amazing kids, deeply religious family.. Divorce not an option, I adore my wife and adore her, but she has always been in denial of her needs. I shower her with attention which she likes but she would never take the time to even want to know my needs, I know everything her family work but i dont think she know the name of one of my coworker. She says she cares but shows no emotion whatsoever towards me. I feel her only desire from this marriage is if I became a piece of wood. And. just do exactly as I am told always. Unfortunately 19 years later I am starved for her attention and dont think i am am in love with her anymore. Like I said earlier Divorce or cheating is NOT an option. So I am resolved to focus on the kids til they leave the nest after which ill focus on ME..
Am I wrong, is there any thing else i haven’t tried.
Tunde, Have you tried counseling? Go by yourself, or with her if she's willing. Learning some better coping strategies and ways to influence her is a much better plan than just accepting that you have to suffer. I don't believe that's what God's plan is for anyone's marriage. -Dr. Kurt