Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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Ever hear the rhyme, “Sticks and stones may break my bones, but words will never hurt me?" Whoever wrote that probably wasn’t being verbally abused at the time. Or perhaps they were and just didn’t know how to make the verbal abuse stop.
The sad fact is name calling and other cruel words do hurt and can leave lasting scars. There’s nothing easy or acceptable about being verbally abused and, unfortunately, no snap-your-fingers way to make verbal abuse stop either.
There are strategies, however, that can help.
At Guy Stuff we work with couples and relationship problems of all kinds. We see couples every week where one partner is verbally abusing the other. Unfortunately, by the time many couples come to see us the abuse has been going on a long time and things have reached a breaking point.
Below is an example of just such a couple. Take a look at Willie’s question and my answer that follows.
Reader Question:
We have been married for 42 years. From early on my wife has been sharp tongued and has verbally abused both our children and myself. It is always verbal accusations of how sorry you are, you are a screw up, and using the past as nothing but a weapon of hurt. It has escalated to physical abuse a few times on myself mainly. She did lash out at our children when younger but never in front of me. That I would have never tolerated. As the children have grown and moved away the shared abuse has now been mostly targeted at me. My company I worked for closed about a month ago. So the tension has grown. Not that it needed anymore fuel to the fire. I am tired of it. It has gotten vicious. I am weary, and no words ever help or apologies seem to never come unless they are from me. She gets almost violent. I am a big man and would never hurt her. How do I deal with being verbally abused, and can our marriage survive and I survive?" -Willie D.
My Answer:
Too many partners can likely relate to Willie’s situation. Because it can seem like words aren’t really abuse, many people suffer being verbally abused for years before looking for a way to make it stop.
Willie, you use some very accurate words to describe what it’s like to be verbally abused. I’m sure others can relate to how you feel: “I am tired.” “It has gotten vicious.” “I am weary.” “No words ever help.” You also show that men just as much as women can get abused verbally too.
You give several really good examples of what being abused verbally can look like:
Now to your question about how to deal with being verbally abused. How you deal with it is to stop dealing with it. In other words, stop accepting it. Most likely, barring a miraculous change by your wife, the only way to stop her verbal abuse is for you to stop tolerating it.
If you stop accepting her verbal abuse, one of two things will have to happen. Either she will change and stop being abusing you, or your relationship will change and potentially end.
It's very important to note though that since you've been together for more than 42 years, there's a long history of her abusing verbally and your accepting it that has to be overcome. That means it's going to be hard and take some time for you both to start creating some different ways of doing your relationship. But it’s doable.
How do you begin to stop tolerating verbal abuse? In many small and large ways you send the message, ‘I won't accept it anymore.’ Here are a few examples:
Can you marriage survive? That's up to you and whether or not you'll continue to accept being in a verbally abusive relationship, and whether or not your wife will choose to change. You've lasted 42 years, but certainly not in a happy or healthy way.
Sadly, a lot of people just accept the abuse and don't ever do the hard work to force change. I hope that's not you. For the best interests and happiness of you, your wife, and your kids and family, I hope you'll start today to stop accepting being verbally abused.
If you can relate to Willie’s story, then you too need to follow my advice and find a way to stop taking the verbal abuse. Things won’t get better on their own, you'll need to initiate the change.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 1, 2012 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
Want to know what Abusive Women are really like? Take a look at 7 behaviors used by Women who are Abusive. Read quotes from Women who Abuse and partners.
No one gets into a relationship expecting to be controlled by their partner.
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I feel your pain in this same situation 4 years of abuse I'm married and I'm ready to get out. Yeah I lost my job too I was out work for 5 month I was applying for job that wasn't good enough for here she say you less than a man . It hurt she have her friend talking about me im her husband she suppose to have my back . I don't argue with her sometime I think of KILLING myself I need help HELP ME PLEASE I know a male we have to be strong it hard too.
Mitch, Sorry to hear you're in such a tough spot and that your wife doesn't support you. You need to find a professional to talk to. If you're thinking of hurting yourself, there are crisis lines you can call to talk to someone 24-hours a day. Just search online for suicide help. If you'd like our help. use the Contact button at the top or bottom of this page to connect with us. -Kurt
Mitch I feel you bro.but no female is worth you taking you're life. Be strong you deserve better that the lady you're with.I'm in the same place you are.but I'm gonna walk away. They are to many beautiful ladies out there.that will love you for reals.love you're self take care of you're self. No one will die over love only dumb people that take their life.that's a coward.
That's easy for you to say. Walk away. I can't walk away he follows me around hurling questions at me like a prosecuting attorney and no matter how hard i try to explain to him how his actions are hurting me, it's my fault. I can't walk away. He follows me all through the house asking me the same question over and over and over again until i get to the place where i think he's fixing to put his fist through a wall or start yelling at me again. When he gets mad, whatever is in his hand ends up flying across the room and if it's breakable it shatters into hundreds of pieces just like my ability to believe this man will protect me. I can't just walk away. Any other advice?
Mary, That's not a healthy way to live. Do an online search for a local women’s shelter. You can also call the national hotline at 800-799-7233 for help 24/7. Be smart and remove yourself from any dangerous situations. -Kurt
I need advice and I know I need counseling. Married 5 years this time . 3 weeks 10 years ago . I cheated Lil over a year ago. Told my wife why I done it . Verbal abuse complains about everything. I'm a total screw up and failure. We have a 4 year old.she took me bck after cheating I cried to her that it was a mistake.i love this woman so much we are each other's best friend or used to be . Our daughter sees the fussing the abusiviness . She acts it out some times to me . I just walked outside BC of accusing . I hung up on her BC of accusing and fighting BC I asked why she didn't tell me she got off work early. I'm hurt . So badly hurt inside I try so hard to get along with her but when we she starts the abuse I react the same in defense. A few months after I cheated nothing like this happened. Sex was at least 4 times a week instead of if I'm lucky once a week . It's xmas in 2 days . I need HELP SOMETHING THAT WILL CALM THIS FIRE AND RAGE AND COLD SHOULDER AND BLAME !
Joseph, It's great that you recognize you need counseling, and that you've take responsibility for your choices. That does not mean that you need to tolerate being in an abusive relationship. Read the rest of the articles in the Abusive Relationship section for more information and ideas about what you can do in the meantime. - Dr. Kurt
Hi I verbally abuse my wife when I get drunk I never used to be like this with her only last few months and we have been together since 2008 and only recently this has occurred when we are out recently. She says she can't take it anymore that it ruins everything Xmas birthdays parties etc etc. She said I've to leave her now she's not putting up with it anymore which I totally understand but it's killing me leaving her and my 2 year old son. I need to understand why I keep doing this and how I can combat it.
Sean, That's great you can see you have an issue and need help with it. Counseling would be the best place to start. - Dr. Kurt