Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
Part 3 of 3
Married problems? Mistakenly, a lot of people believe that being married means you'll have problems. Although married problems are common, they don’t automatically come with one another.
We create our married problems. So in this final article we’ll learn what this couple did about their problems in marriage. The first two articles have explored the Marriage Troubles and Marriage Failing of Command Sgt. Maj. Chris Faris and his wife, Lisa. As in the previous articles, I'll share an excerpt from the USA Today story on the Faris' (military married problems) and then my insights.
To the world outside, they were this strong Army couple ministering to families in grief. At home, it was arguments, strained dinner conversation and simmering resentments.
For many, many marriages what family, friends, and the world sees is an illusion of what really happens behind closed doors. The truth about our married problems is something we can work really hard at hiding from others, and often even from ourselves.
From their home in Fayetteville, N.C., Lisa had her own vision of the war. "I lost more friends. There were so many casualties from home. Not from death. But from (wives) just quitting. From (them) walking away from their situations because they just did not have the strength to do it anymore."
Lisa was also deciding secretly by 2006, she says, that the marriage was over -- something her husband said he never realized until they both began telling their stories this year.
It’s pretty common that one partner gives up on the marriage and dealing with the problems in marriage much earlier than the other. Often the other partner, most frequently the guy, doesn’t realize his wife has given up until much later.
It was the epiphany Chris had in 2008 -- triggered by his younger daughter's chastening remark about missed birthdays, and a long contemplative plane ride back to Afghanistan -- that began the turnaround.
Read more about what Faris’ daughter said to him about their marriage troubles. In my experience, a lot of men don’t hear the message about the married problems until the wake-up call comes from something involving their kids.
The next year, he came home pleading with his wife to begin marriage counseling..."I'm on bended knee, 'Hey, I got it. I screwed up. This is the last chance. I love you,'" Chris says...She was reluctant. They had attempted counseling without success. But this time, the counselor helped them see the walls they built between them, and the bricks began coming down..."She actually gave us the desire to try," Lisa says.
A very important lessen here is that just because marriage counseling may not have been successful in the past doesn’t mean that it can’t be this time. Too often couples use counseling as an excuse not to try to fix problems in marriage. It’s amazing what a difference it can make when both people come to marriage counseling with an open mind and motivated to change.
"The commander and I are absolutely committed to preserving the force," Chris says. The first step is seeking help, he says.
Got married problems? The first step, as Chris says, is to seek help. You've started to do this by coming to this website. What's your next step?
Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
Money conversations have a way of going sideways fast, especially in a relationship, learn how to navigate it here.
It starts with something small – a late bill, an argument over groceries, a home repair, even kids’ school supplies.
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I don't know if my marriage is falling apart and if it is what steps I should take to bring it back together. when we met 2 years ago we fell for each other. We were so close but half a year before our first year together I looked at his phone for the first time and found he was sending nude pictures with random girls and talking as if he was single and talked about how beautiful they were. it broke my heart and I wanted to leave then but he said he would never do it again. He even said that I am his only love that he wants to marry. I fell for it. then couple months later from then I checked his phone for the second time and found he has a meetme account and talked to many girls and specifically to one "i want to sweep you up and steal your heart". I cried and this time he was upset. he stopped his meetme and said it was just for fun and to boost his ego, that it wasn't serious. I forgave him the second time. Now we have been married since February and have a 5 month old baby. After I had our baby he became distant. he didn't even visit me at the hospital except to take me home on 3rd day... his mom and grandma visited me and had me call him. Instead he said he wants to play his video games and see me the next day. From there I felt a small change, its just me and my baby I thought. staying at home he never spent time with me on weekends when he wasn't working. he play games with his friends, barely kiss me, up to now we've only had sex once and that was when my baby was 3 months. he doesn't even desire it from me or miss me. everytime I try to talk to him on his lunch breaks now he doesn't really even talk to me. he even leaves the conversation without saying I love you or even saying I have to go back to work like the way he used to. I looked through his phone one day and he got so mad about it and broke it apart saying he's upset about me always having to look through his stuff and he wants me to stop it. I even one day ask if I should leave and let him be alone. he just said whatever, he told his grandma one day that all he does is hurt my feelings so its ok if she does hurt my feelings.. Right now I feel awful because everytime I try to bring us closer I feel we drift even farther away. I love him and I want our baby to have the gift of both parents together, but how can I clean up what damage is already done?
Samantha, You've ignored some red flags along the way, so first you've got to stop doing that. Your problems are bigger than can be addressed in this forum, so I would talk to a professional counselor to get more specific guidance. If he won't go with you, go get help without him. -Kurt
Recently I moved out to give my wife space. She asked for Separation and wanted me out. We been together 11 years, 6 married. We both have done so much damage to each other. She says she's dead inside and now recently I have found she has been having an affair. I've turned to God and now moving on with my life. I love her so much is there any hope of saving this? Is space the best? We have children together.
Eddie, There's always hope for saving a relationship when both partners are willing to put in the work for it. You can try going to couples counseling on your own to demonstrate you're making changes for yourself, and she may decide to go with you. -Kurt
Liked the 3 part series.
I am at that point Lisa was. I gave up trying months ago and he didn't realize it. I feel no love for my husband anymore. 2 1/2 years married and we just had a baby 4 months ago. We also just did 10 months of counseling that seems to have made no change. It's still like being married to a child. I do 95% of household work. And he never does anything beyond basic chores. He doesn't notice the shower facet leaking for the last year. He is on his phone ALL day, even while holding the baby. He isn't taking care of himself physically, eats poorly, I think he's depressed.
I buy him vitamins and brain supplements to help his ADD so he can focus. But I've just stopped asking for help and I do all the work.
I think I want a divorce but I don't know. I wonder if I'm just being hormonal, or if he can still change, or was that tiny gut feeling on the day of our wedding right, that this isn't a good idea? It's so hard to know if divorce is best! Especially with a new baby. I'm so lost!
Kayla, Having a baby is a big adjustment for you both, and it does take months for the body to recover from pregnancy and giving birth. Also, divorce is another big, life-altering event, so the decision to do that needs to be made with total clarity. Consider continuing with counseling for yourself as you're adjusting to life with your new baby. -Kurt
Ive been with my wife for 23 yrs and married for 21 yrs. and have 2 children. Earlier this year she told me that she could not live like this anymore. That got my attention. I knew we hadn't the perfect marriage but had difficult few years with surgeries on my wifes part. A week later she had a serious accident at work where she could easily have died. Then she told me she wanted to separate as she realized after the accident life was too short. I have changed my lifestyle dramatically to try to be a better person and husband. I like the new me, but my wife still wants to separate to see how she goes. She had a brief affair immediately following her accident. I love her with all my heart and soul and want to grow old with her. We still have a hug & a quick kiss but shes due to move out (or me) in the next few weeks What do you think my chances are of keeping this beautiful woman as my wife?
Ive been with my wife for 23 yrs and married for 21 yrs. and have 2 children. Earlier this year she told me that she could not live like this anymore. That got my attention. I knew we hadn't the perfect marriage but had difficult few years with surgeries on my wifes part. A week later she had a serious accident at work where she could easily have died. Then she told me she wanted to separate as she realized after the accident life was too short. I have changed my lifestyle dramatically to try to be a better person and husband. I like the new me, but my wife still wants to separate to see how she goes. She had a brief affair immediately following her accident. I love her with all my heart and soul and want to grow old with her. We still have a hug & a quick kiss but shes due to move out (or me) in the next few weeks What do you think my chances are of keeping this beautiful woman as my wife?
Noel, I have seen many couples find their way back to each other and they have better relationships than before. Giving her the space she is asking for is good. Making the changes you needed to make your relationship better is also good, but change takes time so she may just need more of it to see they will last. -Kurt