Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
Part 3 of 3
Married problems? Mistakenly, a lot of people believe that being married means you'll have problems. Although married problems are common, they don’t automatically come with one another.
We create our married problems. So in this final article we’ll learn what this couple did about their problems in marriage. The first two articles have explored the Marriage Troubles and Marriage Failing of Command Sgt. Maj. Chris Faris and his wife, Lisa. As in the previous articles, I'll share an excerpt from the USA Today story on the Faris' (military married problems) and then my insights.
To the world outside, they were this strong Army couple ministering to families in grief. At home, it was arguments, strained dinner conversation and simmering resentments.
For many, many marriages what family, friends, and the world sees is an illusion of what really happens behind closed doors. The truth about our married problems is something we can work really hard at hiding from others, and often even from ourselves.
From their home in Fayetteville, N.C., Lisa had her own vision of the war. "I lost more friends. There were so many casualties from home. Not from death. But from (wives) just quitting. From (them) walking away from their situations because they just did not have the strength to do it anymore."
Lisa was also deciding secretly by 2006, she says, that the marriage was over -- something her husband said he never realized until they both began telling their stories this year.
It’s pretty common that one partner gives up on the marriage and dealing with the problems in marriage much earlier than the other. Often the other partner, most frequently the guy, doesn’t realize his wife has given up until much later.
It was the epiphany Chris had in 2008 -- triggered by his younger daughter's chastening remark about missed birthdays, and a long contemplative plane ride back to Afghanistan -- that began the turnaround.
Read more about what Faris’ daughter said to him about their marriage troubles. In my experience, a lot of men don’t hear the message about the married problems until the wake-up call comes from something involving their kids.
The next year, he came home pleading with his wife to begin marriage counseling..."I'm on bended knee, 'Hey, I got it. I screwed up. This is the last chance. I love you,'" Chris says...She was reluctant. They had attempted counseling without success. But this time, the counselor helped them see the walls they built between them, and the bricks began coming down..."She actually gave us the desire to try," Lisa says.
A very important lessen here is that just because marriage counseling may not have been successful in the past doesn’t mean that it can’t be this time. Too often couples use counseling as an excuse not to try to fix problems in marriage. It’s amazing what a difference it can make when both people come to marriage counseling with an open mind and motivated to change.
"The commander and I are absolutely committed to preserving the force," Chris says. The first step is seeking help, he says.
Got married problems? The first step, as Chris says, is to seek help. You've started to do this by coming to this website. What's your next step?
Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
Money conversations have a way of going sideways fast, especially in a relationship, learn how to navigate it here.
It starts with something small – a late bill, an argument over groceries, a home repair, even kids’ school supplies.
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I have recently separted from my wife, we are still livingtogether but are livnign in differant rooms of our home. we rarely speak to each other and we dont exchange any form of affection including saying i love you. I have 4 children from my previous marriage. I love my wife so much we have only been married 2 months. We were together for a year and decided to wed. during that time we had many fights that was me getting angry and screaing at her. she told me many times she was leaving. i begged her to stay and to give me a secind chance. last sept i went to concilling for my anger. i spoke about it alittle but not as much as i should have. Nw i asked her to go to marriage concilling but she refuses so i am re doing my anger apts to harness the problem, as it was the cause of the separtion. Since we have separated i feel so lost, everytime shes home i want to run up and hold her. i want to tell her how i feel and ask her to give me this one last time to change and give our marriage a second chance. I am scared to loose her because when it was good it was amazing there was nothing we couldnt face, but now i dont know. I just want her to see how sorry i truely am for making her feel like this and making our home a battlefield. It hurts alot as well because my kids are very attached to her and call her mom from time to time. I dont want to have to explain that to my kids i destroyed my marriage with my anger. any advice man or woman would help.
Joe, Keep working on improving your anger. The best way to get our partner back is to let them see in our behavior that we've changed. Don't chase her - desperation is not attractive. Be patient. -Kurt
I am in the same boat as we speak. My wife wants space. She moved out and I have gone through a big change in myself, and realized how much i did to damage my marriage. Now that im in more pain I have ever been in, in my whole life I simply don't know how to repair it. I am sick to my stomach every minute of every day thinking I may loose her forever. You are not alone. The pain is very real, and If I had a reset button to press, i would press it for the both of us. Very, very painful. Hopefully we both get lucky, and the wives give us that 2nd chance to make things right.
Matt, Hope you get that chance too. Changing yourself is also the best way to get it. Thanks for sharing your story. -Kurt
I am a stay at home mom who home schools our 8 year old son. My husband is in road construction, more then half the year he is out of town and I handle everything. When he comes home on the weekends it feels like we all walk on egg shells because the rules change. I am strong willed and change is hard for me, I love my husband and he says he loves me but he decided to move out. He says he needs time to work things out. He says he doesn't want to be responsible for his family, he doesn't want to work so hard he just wants to do what he wants to do with out having to ask. I can't think of a time he has asked me if he could do anything. He says he wants a divorce, texts me saying he's lonely, wants to come home and work on the basement then has relations with me and leaves. Says he's sorry for leading me on and that he still wants a divorce. Our family is upside down, what can I do other then pray that God does a work in his heart?
Christine, Stop enabling his selfish behavior. The first place to start is no more sex until he moves back and the relationship is improving. -Kurt
I feel empty! After 30 years of marriage with a husband That I constantly felt like I was begging to love me. He would spend hours at the gym talking to any and everyone instead of coming home. He would look at other women and ignore me for months. Over and over he has shown little regard for my deepest fears. Other than just aging normally, I gave him no reason to find me less attractive than when we married. Recently he communicated with an old friend, who early in our marriage disrespected me by flirting w him in front of me. When I told him that I felt it was inappropriate to communicate with other women he told me that I just don't want him to have friends. I just felt like I was too old to have these juvenile conversations. Through social media they communicated daily. I felt just like I did when I was younger. She was flirting with him right there for me and the world to see. He yelled and belittled me for months about my jealous ways. It was one thing to be married to a cold man, but to have to be insulted daily just emptied me out and literally broke me. One day he said that he refused to discuss it with me again. The next day I asked what he would do if I wanted to discuss it again. He immediately changed his tone. Everything was great. He would not talk with her again. I checked his phone and what did I find. A heartfelt msg from her about her unresolved feelings for him. I gave him a chance for him to tell me about the msg. He did not. I have caught him him in several situations about money and other things where he had straight up lied to me about.
This all sounds so childish. He has tried his best to make up everything to me. This incident and menopause together has sent me into a tailspin. It has unleashed a torrent of emotions and words from me that I never thought I would share with him because he would have called me crazy and I would have believed him.
He says he fully understands everything he has put me through. I truly don't think that is possible. We have had proofs of marital bliss longer than the current period. I feel like on the outside I look happy but on the inside I am empty and just waiting for the other shoe to drop.
I have always been the one to use our term that we have called "reeled him back into our marriage" after months or years of being ignored emotionally and physically. I would have to have an episode to get his attention.
I'm tired of chasing him. I'm tired of sencing something "off" and sniping until the truth comes to light. I have always loved him. I just always fold my life around his to make his life easier.
As in every story, there are always deeper, more complex issues not brought to light. But it boils down to "he chose talking to her over my feelings" because for 30 years he had chosen many, many things without consideration for me! Our entire marriage has been on his terms. He thinks because he had "changed" that I can just walk away from years of neglect. I want desperately to! Emotionally,I feel empty.