Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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Relationships are complicated, especially abusive ones. Although unhealthy, feelings of love, dependency and self-esteem are all wrapped up in the relationship too. For women living with emotionally abusive men it can be difficult to separate these and see what’s really going on.
Women can be abusive as well, particularly emotionally, but in this article we’re focusing on men. And while there is outward evidence with physical abuse, emotional abuse can be much harder to see. Especially for those living with emotionally abusive men every day.
Wondering what it’s like to live with emotionally abusive men? Let’s ask Emily.
In many ways Emily and Jason’s relationship looks picture perfect. In fact, she says that it’s better than any relationship she’s ever had.
But there’s a problem. Even though from the outside Jason looks like a great guy, Emily wonders if he’s really just another version of am emotional abuser like she’s dealt with before in previous relationships.
Jason has this habit of denying Emily’s experience of events. Recently they had a fight over going out with friends. Since then every time they talk about that night Jason insists that Emily is not remembering correctly what happened, specifically what he said and did nor, in his opinion, does she remember correctly what she said and did.
There is a name for this kind of behavior, it’s called gaslighting, and it’s a very cruel and sneaky form of emotional abuse.
Jason can be very persuasive and convincing too. He has the ability to describe events in such a way that make it look like he’s done everything possible to resolve a problem and is just the victim of another person’s wrong behavior – i.e. Emily. As a result, Emily frequently questions herself about her recall of the facts and if in fact Jason is really right and she is wrong (Tip – when you find yourself routinely thinking this way this can be a sign of a relationship with emotionally abusive men).
What makes this such a problem for their relationship is that this happens all the time, over big things and little things.
See the pattern? Abusive relationships have patterns like this. Additionally, it’s always Emily who considers that maybe she doesn’t remember things correctly and was in the wrong – never Jason.
One way to spot abusive men is that they don’t take responsibility for their actions. But they don’t believe they have to because in their mind they’re never wrong. Abusive men also don’t use self-reflection to evaluate their behavior like Emily does above. They blame instead.
Unfortunately, relationships with emotionally abusive men are difficult to see. Abusive men are extremely skilled at controlling the relationship in very subtle ways. In couples counseling Jason has refused to continue to talk to Emily because she wouldn’t accept HIS version of the truth, and has even ended the meeting to further make his point.
This has left Emily in a tough spot. She still loves Jason, but is now beginning to see now that his behavior is damaging and unhealthy.
Through couples counseling Emily has learned more about abusive relationships and realizes she’s in another one again. Now we’re working together to help her learn how to change it. If you’ve got an emotionally abusive man in your life, you should too.
Controlling behavior and gaslighting aren’t the only ways someone can be emotionally abusive. Below are a few other examples of behaviors that are common in men who are emotionally abusive:
If you, like Emily, feel like there may be something not quite right about your relationship, it’s time to listen to your instincts. Your emotional well-being, as well as the emotional health of your partner, need to be a priority.
Sometimes emotionally abusive men don’t realize what they’re doing. That doesn’t mean they get a pass - it means they need to change their behavior if they want to be in a relationship. But it’s up to you, like it was up to Emily, to set and hold that boundary.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 31, 2011 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
Want to know what Abusive Women are really like? Take a look at 7 behaviors used by Women who are Abusive. Read quotes from Women who Abuse and partners.
No one gets into a relationship expecting to be controlled by their partner.
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Hi Kurt. This is Tammy. I commented and told my whole awful story about me and my boyfriend with whom I was with for 5 years. And how abusive he always was. Since I last wrote to you many things have happened and changed. I was getting more and more lonely and depressed because he ignored me he said he had no sex drive due to testosterone problems. In which he has been getting shots of T for this. But still he wasn't getting better. I begged and pleaded with him to just go see his Dr and tell him what was going on. And tell the Dr his mood swings were getting worse too. Because a lot of it could very well have been resolved if he just saw his Dr and told him everything. But he out right refused just despite me! He kept saying the reasons he didn't GO see his Dr about this was because I wouldn't stop coming at him about it and bitching at him about it every day. He tried saying that I wasn't giving him a chance to do it or for him to WANT to do it. Because I wouldn't shut up about it ever. He blamed ME saying I caused him to get mad so he said screw it and screw her too. I for sure won't go to the Dr NOW because she, I was being overly demanding and driving him crazy so badly that he didn't CARE if he ever got his sex drive back! And that it's me me who made him flip out on me I made him swear at me made him spit in my face and say awful things. He said I drove him to it. Of course he had no fault in the matter. It was ALL ME who made him hate me made him ignore me made him so mad that he purposely would not see his Dr about any of it. Because I was the cause of it all. He said If I would have said nothing about it ever and not cry or complain and beg him to go to his Dr that things would be fine between us and then he would have went to the Dr . He had me second guessing myself. Wondering if maybe I WAS Bitching and nagging etc and at fault . But way over a year and he still refused to see his Dr about it? Whether I cried and complained and begged him or not, you would THINK if he really Loved me and wanted us to be close again. Intimate and happy that HE would have wanted thongs to change himself and try to save our relationship right? You would Think anyhow. The fact that he never did and made every excuse in the book. He was tired busy couldn't afford to take time off work to see the Dr. Obviously I was not a priority to him. He did not care about my feelings at all. He did not care or respect me. He didn't care that he was destroying our entire relationship. So it was clear where he drew the line about what was and wasn't important to him. He tried deflecting it all back onto me. But I was beginning to realize that how I was feeling was totally normal and anyone in that situation would react in the same ways trying to talk to your partner. Ask him why he won't see his Dr doesn't he care that there is no sex no affection. Etc and he actually expected me to not be hurt not be lonely. When we were no longer lovers and he treated me like a room mate he didn't like very much. It wore on me something awful. I started wondering was he lying did he still have a sex drive but he just didn't want me. Maybe he was taking care of his sexual needs himself? I was going crazy. Paranoid. Feeling worthless begging him like a total fool. I finally got a bit stronger in November and left to a woman's shelter. I am now on my own with the help of social services and even to its extremely hard I did it. I left. He says all we can be now is friends and he is going thru Hell Cuz his mom died on his birthday then his aunt died a few days later. That is sad and a lot to deal with too. But just the same he keeps telling me I have no idea the hell he is going thru. But before his mom died he showed no sign of sorrow or grief about our break up at all! In fact he was mean to me when I cried or attempted to talk to him. It's all about him and his troubles but me and what I am feeling and going thru I'd not near as bad as his situations that's what he says. He minimizes my feelings. I see thru him now. I re read a lot of my journals that I wrote in over the years we were together. I read stuff I completely forgot happened reading it made me sick to my stomach and upset. But it is a very clear reminder of what he has done to me for way too long and my eyes are open now. Even if I miss him at times I know what he is capable of. And he told me he has zero trust in me etc etc and I am emotionally unstable. Ha. I wonder why. I learned. It took too long but I learned I am still lonely but at least I am not sitting in the same room with him bring lonely or swore at etc. I deserve way better than that !!
Tammy, Thanks for coming back and sharing an update. Glad to hear you recognize what you deserve and are standing up to get it. You may be lonely right now, but your whole story is not written yet. -Kurt
All of the above is my life for the past three years. He resembles every aspect of a psychopath. He is diagnosed as a manic depressive no polar. The abuse has been physical, verbal and emotional. He says I'm bipolar and I need meds. I do believe I have severe anxiety and depression. He made our life so special at times I find myself wanting, needing it back. He was my whole life. Even after all the public humiliation and abuse. He's been to jail after an altercation on mothers day. In public and he lost it seriously for no reason. I ended up with a bruised face and he went to jail. Bystanders called police not me. After he got our of jail he really seemed to try. He cried and apologized for everything and said he wanted to get better. It lasted about two months. The most wonderful time of my life. Now he has created a situation that I supposely did and will not have anything to do with me. I'm devastated. He knows it. My mind knows he's sick but my heart wants the love back. I don't feel I can live without him. He will jot talk to me much less see me. He just calls me crazy and says he's tired of my behavior. The love couldn't have been real but why did it feel like it was. At times I can't breathe. I work and go home. I can barely go to the grocery store. I don't know why I want that monster back but I feel so empty without him. I've written and written and written. I does help. How can people get away with this for a lifetime? I've pleaded and pleaded and he just ignores me. I want to be better. I want to be happy. I'm tired if crying everyday and night. I'm so tired and I don't understand. I did everything for him. Everything he asked while he lied, cheated, stole, abused in every way. I'm not an ignorant person but I feel so stupid letting this control me. I physically miss him being next to me. I keep thinking time will help. It's been two months and it still hurts like the first day. I would love for him to get help but I really believe he can't be helped. He destroys people for the pure joy of it. He once told me "I like to get people to do things they don't want to do". I'm so tired. I know I deserve better and to be happy but I can't seem to get over this. I can't even stand the thought of even talking to another man much less dating. I know it's too soon fir that but I can't even think of it. I'm pretty much come to terms that I will live the rest of my life alone and be faithful to him. I'm 50, he is 54. The emotional abuse is the worst. He used to know when I needed him or wanted his attention and he would act like I didn't exist. Why can't I get it in my head that this love was not real and go on? I just want this to be over.
Anonymous, Sometimes we need professional help to sort out why we can't change our thoughts and feelings because it's just too hard and complicated to do ourselves. I recommend you find a counselor to help you. -Kurt
Hi Kurt. I am very confused. My husband is seeming more and more like an emotional abuser. He is 10 years older than me and we have 2 baby girls together, in addition to his 3 kids from his 2nd marriage and my son from my 1st. We have had many many issues and have been to marriage counseling in the past. The take away is always that I need to change. I went to individual therapy to work on all of my issues and am very proud of my progress. I am stronger and mentally better than I have ever been. I am only 26 and I feel that my whole life is ahead of me. I am currently a stay at home mom and I absolutely love it. i know there is something very wrong with my husband. He will throw these fits where he says he will leave me if I don't start letting him do something or if I don't do things "his way." He gets in my face and speaks very condescendingly to me. he will not back up when I tell him to. He just stands there and tells me how "sick and mentally ill" I am. I always feel backed into a corner and very threatened. My first husband was physically abusive and I can't stand being backed into a corner (usually literally.) anyway I really want to take my kids and leave him but I do not want to leave my babies for someone else to raise while I work. I want to be at home with them until they are in school. Our youngest daughter is 8 months old and I am still nursing her. I also am very afraid that he will try to use my past against me in a custody battle for our girls. He has threatened this numerous times. He did terrible and manipulate things during his custody battle with his ex-wife. I am terrified of losing my girls. They, and my son, are my world and purpose. I am strong and can make it through this no matter what. Counseling and self reflection has taught me this. But I cannot take losing my kids. So I am wondering if I should just stay in the marriage long or leave. We have talked about moving far away and I am also afraid of what he will do and how he will act when I am isolated from everything And everyone I've ever known. I don't know what to do. Any thoughts?
Confused, It's good to hear that you got counseling, changed and grew yourself. I can hear some of it in your insight into what's happening, however, you still sound like you're being controlled by fear. That's a symptom of abuse (as you probably know), so be careful not to let your fears control you. -Kurt
Thank you for answering! I think you are right and I am working hard to figure out ways to combat the fears I have and am made to feel. I also have much guilt which is probably worse than the fear. He can be so great sometimes that I second guess myself. Anyway, thank you so much for the reply. It helps knowing that someone cares!
Confused, You're welcome. Thanks for identifying guilt as another significant influencer. Guilt and second guessing are other effects of abuse. -Kurt
Wow - that sounds like my family when I grew up. They were always right and I was always wrong. Especially the brother. But everyone else was right, no matter what it was. Could not win for losing....somewhere along the line, i decided to stop trying to fight for my rights with them. I didn't really cave -- I rebelled with silence and did my own thing. The pattern was set though.
If anyone thinks their abusive relationships are a fluke, they might want to look backwards. When was the first time and who was the first person that made them feel this discomfort? That first time -- that family patterning -- that's what kicks off the ability for someone to stay in a bad relationship.
I wish I'd fully understood this some 30 years ago!
Wonderful insight "Nancy"!
I agree and believe that from both sides, these types of behaviors and tolerances and patterns come from childhood shaped learning and trauma.
I refer to myself as "B" because that has been made my identity by my husband... I'm just a mean B***h! I'm wrong he's right, I just want to argue, etc. I found something online called Irritable Male Syndrome and made him read the descriptions. Fits him exactly. He even agreed, and agreed to get help, and sincerely seemed to get how hard it is to be around someone like this all the time... Then he flipped the script and sarcastically says he didn't know I had a medical degree, and then stated from what he has read I am the abuser. Wha wha what??? He is so angry sarcastic and immature it is almost impossible to speak to him, he will start an argument or say something rude or something that any normal human would get defensive about, but if I try to reply/defend I'm all of a sudden the one arguing. I was a strong, smart, independent woman (hear me roar), but I feel like a cowering dog waiting for the next blow now. We have an almost 3 year old, otherwise I would be out the door fast. He says our fighting is not good for our child (and I agree), but in some cases I would rather them see their mom stick up for themselves then be constantly made to bow and cower to my almighty always right angel with a halo husband. Other people comment to me about how oblivious he seems to his own immature actions thoughts and words, so I know I am not crazy, but throwing that on his face would only make things worse and I feel I'm above it. I don't think he really has any respect for me anymore, but it kind of goes both ways in that sense. He'll even 'threaten' to go to counseling, and I'm like "YES! Why is that a threat? Please do!" I have issues for sure, but he is incredibly impossible. When is it better to call it quits then keep trying over and over with only escalating bad results?
B, Very good and important question, and the answer is an individual one for each person. "We have an almost 3 year old, otherwise I would be out the door fast. He says our fighting is not good for our child (and I agree), but in some cases I would rather them see their mom stick up for themselves then be constantly made to bow and cower." It's really better that your son isn't subjected to it in the first place, so be careful to not take a really bad thing and put a positive spin on it. Before calling it quits I'd meet with a professional counselor to see what else you could do before leaving. Keep in mind you're still going to have a relationship with him after divorce, so developing the best coping strategies is crucial regardless of whether you stay or go. -Kurt