Wondering if Porn Is Cheating? Find out what psychology experts say about whether Porn Is Cheating.
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Does your husband look at porn? If so, you’re probably wondering what to do about your husband and his interest in porn -- and you’re not alone.
There are many men (and even some women) who watch porn and consider it normal. For men especially, porn viewing can seem like something regular guys do and no big deal. This is a misconception, however.
Porn viewing isn’t healthy, and it negatively impacts them even if they cannot see it. Wives also suffer when their husbands look at porn on a regular basis.
At Guy Stuff we receive questions routinely about porn and whether or not it’s okay. Some women want to know if they should be open to it, and many others want to know what they should do if their husband is looking at porn and it’s causing problems for them.
Below is just such a question and my response.
Reader Question:
What do you do when your husband looks at porn? We always had an exciting and adventurous sexual relationship. Then we got married, have been for only 2 years, we're still young, I'm still feeling crazy adventurous and always throwing myself at him. He doesn’t want me that much anymore. I just discovered he's lied to me our entire relationship and that my husband looks at porn (because of the 'interaction' he gets from it). Although I don’t like the idea I was open to try and understand the reason behind it and try to meet his needs so maybe he wouldn’t use any more, but he refuses to stop, he wants it to be just his thing, and also allow our sex life as a couple to dissolve. Will someone make sense of this for me? If I’m bending over backwards for more involvement with him, and he denies me of it and is continuing to be selfish and satisfy himself and only use me when he can’t be alone to use porn, why should I stay? He won’t open up, let me in, or allow either of us to get help. Someone, HELP, please. What do you do when your husband looks at porn?" -Samantha W.
My Answer:
Samantha isn’t alone.
Unfortunately, many husbands use porn regularly at the expense of the intimate connection with their wives. There are a number of ways this can start and many of them can seem innocent at first.
It was,
etc., etc, etc.
But it doesn’t take long before the allure of porn takes over and it becomes more important than real sex and intimacy with their wife. When this happens it can destroy marriages, much like it’s starting to do for Samantha and her husband.
Here’s an important fact to understand when your husband looks at porn -- porn isn’t about you, porn is about him. The more you can understand this fact, the better you'll be able to understand why men watch porn, at least as much as is possible for most women.
It doesn’t matter what you do to try to “meet his needs” or to make yourself more appealing, because that’s not the problem.
The problem is that he’s found a drug that he likes the high from better than the high of having sex with you.
Now that can be hard to hear and understand. But in order to respond to him in the most effective way possible, it's important not to take this as a personal rejection, although it certainly feels like one and in many ways is. However, it isn't so much when you understand how powerfully addictive looking at porn is.
You’re right in describing his behavior as “selfish.” It’s also addictive. He’s showing all of the signs of porn addiction.
You need to respond to your husband looking at porn like it’s an addiction (drug) problem, not an attraction (you) problem.
If it was cocaine he was addicted to rather than porn, would you respond differently?
The fact that porn involves the sensitive and interpersonal topic of sex certainly makes it more difficult to be empathetic about.
The answer to your question, "Why should I stay?” should be about a lot more than just understanding why your husband looks at porn.
The description of his response, “He won’t open up, let me in, or allow either of us to get help,” shows that your relationship has deeper problems. The lack of respect, consideration, and love just happens to be most obvious with your husband’s porn addiction, but I'll bet it happens elsewhere too.
Start here -- Change your thinking.
If your husband is watching porn, there are deeper issues to consider and it’s time to think about what the real problems are.
Here are some common problems in this situation:
You’ll probably need the help of a professional counselor to deal with these - the problems with porn and your relationship.
As hard as it is to lose sexual intimacy with your husband, hopefully there are many more reasons to stay and try to work things out.
If he refuses to get help it doesn't have to mean you can't get it without him. When someone we love is stuck in an addiction we often must push them to do what they don't want to do. So, your first step is you seeking help with or without him.
I hope this at least begins to help you see that your problem is much more than just your husband looks at porn.
Despite what society says, porn isn’t part of a healthy relationship. If your husband looks at porn (or you do), it’s damaging your relationship, even if you don’t think it is.
For the health of your relationship and the happiness of you both as couple (yes, he could be happier too), porn watching needs to stop.
So, if you're like Samantha, dealing with a husband who’s looking at porn, keep the following in mind:
For those of you out there whose husbands also look at porn and can relate to Samantha, there’s hope.
If talking and explaining your feelings to your husband isn’t working, it’s time to seek professional help. Breaking a porn habit can be difficult and takes time. But with the patience of a caring partner and desire to change your behavior it can be done. This may not be him yet, but it can be with the right help.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published October 16, 2010, was updated on March 14, 2018 and November 27, 2019, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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I think most women and men at some point in their relationship will experience some type of betrayal. I have been married 32 years and have caught my husband twice looking at other women on line. The first time I caught him I was pregnant with our second child. We had a fight about it, and I thought I made him understand how it made me feel. He said it was stupid and would not do it again.
That was 20 years ago when porn was not that easy-to obtain. At that time it was dial up internet access. He was not watching on line porn. I don’t even know if you could even could get it then? He instead was trying to pull up nude photos of playboy playmate. I am not sure if he even saw anything but it was still vey hurtful to me. I expressed to him how that made me feel. I thought he understood. Fast forward 11 years later I had bought him a smart phone for Christmas. He by accident discovered the high speed effects of porn. Behind my back he watched. I discovered this about six mounts later. I confronted him about it and of course he denied. I was furious. I sunk into depression. It has taken me a while to get to a better place. I am still not completely over it, but I have come a long way. His excuse for doing it was we had become distant from each other, and that he was missing a sexual relationship. I still don’t understand some of it . I don’t and maybe never will understand how porn fulfills anything? To me porn is cheap and an unrealistic form of sex. There is no human connection of any kind just the sexual excitement. It is just a quick fix that does not last, but I do know what he said to me had some truth to it . We did let our marriage slip away on both sides. We had gotten busy with raising kids, making money, and other grown up things . We didn’t make time for each other. We also didn’t agree on much of anything and fault a lot. I really didn’t like him much back then, and I am sure the feeling was mutual. I also compensated that part of our relationship with other sexual outlets. I did not watch porn, but I did seek out attention from other men. Which is really no better, or maybe worse than what he did. I can say if the right man or opportunity presented it itself. I might of had an affair. So guys please understand your ladies will also seek when their needs are not meet. Fast forward to now my husband and I have came a long way in our relationship. Things could not be better for us. Communication was lacking. Once we started communicating the sex came back. Since then he has threw away his phone. I did not ask him to do that. I know that may be extreme, but that is what he did. He wanted to regain my trust and this was one of the ways he thought he could prove to me he was trustworthy and loved me. We now keep no secrets from each other. We are closer than we have ever been because we are able to share ourselves with each other. Our true feelings are open to one another. We are able to sit down and listen to one another. I think so many of use can overcome this if we truly get in touch with ourself and our partners needs in our relationships. We need to stop selfish childish behavior. I do believe communication is the key. Most men and women alike that are in a committed relationship are seeking love connection, respect, understanding, desire, and, commitment to their partner. When these things take priority, sex will happen. Porn will take a back seat. Men and women are not much different really. They both will seek out what they are not getting at home maybe in different ways or the same. When you choose to be with someone, you went there for a reason. Remember those reasons when things get tough because they will be hard at times. We need to help our partners be the best they can be. Looks are truly only skin deep. They will fade your partner may have gained weight or not be as attractive as they once were, but neither will you. If that is all you are looking for then commitment is probably not for you. Try to understand how they got their. Love the person you are with for the things they bring to the table. If you are with someone because of their looks. You will never be satisfied. Just like porn viewing it will never fulfill. It is superficial, fake, and will not last. Their are other things considered cheating when you comment to someone besides acting out physical with someone else. Talk to your partner about that and make sure what you say to them is your true feelings. Not what societies view is, or what you think your partner wants to hear.
Starr, Great example of how things can change with effort by both of you. This is a really good point that often gets missed - "I also compensated that part of our relationship with other sexual outlets. I did not watch porn, but I did seek out attention from other men. Which is really no better, or maybe worse than what he did." Thanks for the honesty and sharing! -Dr. Kurt