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Understanding Men - Why Can't Men Relax?

Dr. Kurt Smith, LMFT, LPCC, AFC
August 1, 2010

many-men-cannot-relax-even-on-vacation.jpgPart 1 of 3

Understanding men isn't easy. Here's an example:

The water's blue, the waves are lapping. Geez, it's hot. Do I have enough sunscreen on? Why did I wear this bathing suit? How long have we been here? I wonder what's happening at the office. Have they finished that project? Where is that cell phone? Wait, don't tell me there's no service!

Sound like any man you know -- on vacation, but still working and irritable? Why can't men relax?

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The above description is an excerpt from the Wall Street Journal article, Why Relaxing Is Hard Work (for the purpose of this article I'm assuming this description is of a man, but I realize it could describe many women as well).

What's going on with this man on vacation that keeps him from relaxing? Understanding men requires learning what's going on internally. So let's take a look at some other excerpts from the article:

  • Only 53% of working Americans say they come back feeling rested and rejuvenated after vacation, and 30% say they have trouble coping with work stress while they're away, according to an Expedia.com survey of 1,530.
  • For some people, the withdrawal of stress can be similar to withdrawing from steroids — including changes in glucose metabolism and dramatic mood swings, says Conor Liston, a psychiatry resident at Weill Medical College in New York City who was the lead investigator of a brain study on stress.

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  • Other people seem to get so addicted to the adrenaline rush from stress that they gravitate to high-pressure jobs and keep piling on new challenges; some subconsciously push deadlines and complicate projects, creating stress unnecessarily.
  • Put someone like that on a beach for a week, and it's no wonder they can't relax. For them, the best vacations involve physical or mental stimulation, anything from hang-gliding to culinary classes.
  • "...The workaholic is on the ski slope dreaming about being in the office," says Bryan E. Robinson, author of Chained to the Desk, a Guidebook for Workaholics. He says true workaholics are driven less by real workplace demands than by low self-esteem and fear of inadequacy. They bring all those feelings with them on vacation, along with added guilt of being away.
  • "For a lot of workaholics, work alleviates anxiety, and when you are not working, the anxiety bubbles up," says Dr. Robinson, who says that he used to pretend to rest — and secretly work instead — while his family went to the beach. "It calmed me down, like a drink calms an alcoholic," he says.

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In understanding men and answering the question why can't men relax, here are a couple of things to take from this article:

  • Men can get addicted to the chemical high of stress
  • When addicted, men will seek out even more stress
  • Low self-esteem can be an underlying drive for men's obsessive work
  • Men can use work to relieve anxiety

If you know a man who this describes, get him some help from a professional counselor who knows men. Men who can't relax are at risk for high blood pressure, Type 2 diabetes, chronic pain, and a weakened immune system, as well as depression, anxiety, and exhaustion.

Even men need help understanding men and why they do what they do.

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Looking for More? Check Out These Articles

Read Comments from Others with Similar Experiences - Click 'View full post' below or scroll down

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One comment on “Understanding Men - Why Can't Men Relax?”

  1. Count me amongst those who cannot relax while on vacation. My wife doesn't like or understand it. To her, I should be living in the moment and the "here and now." If only.

    It's easier said than done for me; while I'm off trying to relax on a beach, enjoy a water park with my kids, or overpay for food I can get at home, work and emails pile up, my calendar get triple-booked with meetings, and projects that have sat stagnant for a week (or longer) have to be fired back up, as does the creativity that drives them.

    As my wife is a doctor, these are all concerns and issues she does not have to consider. They don't ask patients to stay in her exam room while she's out; she hires a relief doctor to see them while she's out, or her staff reschedules them.

    I realize my inability to relax has the potential to have detrimental effects on my health. I already have hypertension and Type 2 diabetes. However, I feel less stressed at work than I do on vacation. Throw in the fact that I cringe paying what amounts to a mortgage payment for a week in accommodations that are a third (or less) of what we enjoy at home...not to mention food and gas...and I quickly lose interest in the idea of taking any time off at all. My company has a strict "0 Balance" policy for vacation time by end of year; if you don't have it, you can be fired for it. If it were not for that policy, I may never take a vacation. As-is, I take time off from work, but still check & respond to email, and work offline from the company intranet.

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