Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
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We get a lot of questions regarding separation, divorce, and dating. Many of them center around when it’s okay to start dating again and if it’s okay to do so while you’re separated but still married.
There are many variations of separation and divorce, but for all of them the challenges and problems remain the same. Dating while separated or even newly divorced may seem okay, but there are many unforeseen pitfalls.
Below is a question a reader sent about dating a married woman who is separated and my answer.
Reader Question:
I have been dating a married woman who is separated for about a month, but we both agree it feels like we have known or been dating for years. She has been separated for over a year, but her husband has been dragging the divorce out. She was married to this individual for 10 years. She is now 35. I am 38 and never been married. She has been dating prior to me, but I don't think it has been as serious as us. Things had been going really well until this last week and could feel her getting a bit distant. I finally asked her about it last night and of course it was a bit late. I asked if she did not feel the same way about me as she did. She said no she does. She felt circumstances were freaking her out. She is still married and doesn't know if she got into a serious relationship with me because she still is. I feel like she is scared of our relationship for fear it may end up again like her last? I have been treating her like I treat my other relationships, but I don't think she has been treated this well or nicely. I believe this may be adding to the freak out. I asked if she felt like she was missing out on some part of life of not being married? She said no again. What should I be asking or saying?" -Richard L.
Richard isn’t alone in his confusion.
The process of divorcing takes some time and many people are eager to move on with their lives and find someone new while still in it. That’s understandable, but there are many issues that will arise for both the person going through the separation and the person they’re dating.
Here’s the answer I gave him.
My Answer:
A common mistake a lot of people make is getting involved in a new relationship while an old one is still unresolved. And I don't just mean unresolved in regard to the divorce process being finished, but unresolved psychologically and emotionally as well.
A typical scenario is that when people finally decide to separate, often after years of being unhappily married, they immediately start looking for a more positive relationship.
They want to feel,
Again, this desire is understandable, but it usually leads to getting involved in a new relationship too soon after the separation.
I'm counseling a man right now who within weeks of finding out that his wife was cheating on him, separated and started dating.
Within 60 days of separating, he was in a pretty serious new relationship. That was 2 years ago and he admits now that he jumped into the new relationship way too soon. And as a result, it didn't last.
While I can't say precisely what's going on with the woman you're dating, Richard. I can say that dating a married woman who is separated is complicated.
I would bet that the emotional and psychological baggage of her marriage is causing your girlfriend to become distant.
What can you ask or say?
Probably not much, other than suggesting that the marriage she’s leaving is having an effect on you guys and there are things that she still needs to resolve.
Here are some suggestions for what you can do now:
It sounds like she's not ready to have the relationship you want right now.
Sometimes the timing is just not right. This doesn't have to mean that you can never have a relationship with her, but waiting until she’s in a better place will greatly increase the likelihood of success.
People who are separated or in the process of divorcing have likely struggled with their prior relationship for a long time.
Divorce typically isn’t an overnight decision.
Because there’s probably been years of growing resentment and distance, it’s not uncommon for one or both partners to crave attention and affection. To put it simply – they’re love starved.
They typically feel a combination of negative, uncomfortable emotions. Such as –
And they’re eager to feel a positive, romantic connection with someone - sometimes anyone - again.
Because of this a person who’s still married but separated is vulnerable to making poor choices when it comes to dating.
This doesn’t mean that you, as the person they want to date, are a poor choice, but that during this confusing time they’re either,
or
what they can really give to a relationship and their own current emotional state.
If you’re considering dating a woman (or man) who’s married but separated it would be wise to reconsider.
As strong as the attraction may be, the likelihood that the relationship will last is small. And taking that chance will put in you in a very real position to be hurt.
It will also cause problems for the other person and limit their healing.
If the connection between the two of you is strong enough, it’ll survive the time he or she needs to become someone fully available and ready to commit to a new relationship. The benefit will be a relationship that’s much more stable and less complicated as a result of you both waiting.
To say dating while separated isn’t ideal is an understatement. Relationships that begin during this emotional and logistical grey area are set up to fail and therefore cause pain for both partners.
If you’re currently dating someone, or considering dating someone, who’s going through a separation, keep the following in mind:
If you’re dating a woman who’s married but separated, take a lesson from Richard’s story and wait. Both of you will be happier in the end.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 5, 2010, updated on November 27, 2018 and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
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Kurt,
I enjoy reading your articles! Let me ask you a quick ?
I recently dated a separated women who went dark and totally discarded me.
Now she has come back 8 months later and is single. Should I accept her previous behavior as normal given the situation and move forward?
Michael, Glad you like the articles. Interesting question. Possibly that was just the circumstances, but I don't believe disrespect is ever appropriate. I'd try to learn what else could have contributed to her treating you that way and definitely be on the look out for disrespectful behavior possibly arising again. -Dr. Kurt
If the woman is not divorced she us still married and therefore she is a cheat....get rid of her....God won't bless that mess.
Dear Ron and Dr. Kurt,
Again I am very interested in this topic because I am facing many similar issues people have been discussing in this Forum. I posted my story earlier. Sorry that I posted it in a reply so somehow I haven't got any comment yet. Here are summary of my story:
- I dated a separated woman for 2 years;
- We are still love with each other
- She went dark sometimes, increased frequency
- She often refused to address the issue when we touched down to it
I really need your advice on: Is it the time to just let it go? Honestly I still lover her genuinely and I do feel her love for me. I don't want to regret for the rest of my life of losing the one that means everything to me.
As of the time I write in here, I email her to ask for a meeting where we will discuss our future in a respectful and serious manner. Because she did not reply my text or call for a few days.
As I really agree with the recommendations from this article, shall I just wait for more time as she might need time to think and process what she has to do with her current separation ?
Thank you very much
Mike, It sounds like she's giving you the answer to your question by her non-response. -Dr. Kurt
Dr. Kurt is right. Sometimes no answer is your answer.
Mike,
It's all so frustrating isn't it. She may becoming distant for many reasons. She may still be in the marriage for a number of reasons. In my case, it has come to light that it's financial and emotional. You'd think after 5+ years these issues would be resolved. She also has "religious" reasons. As long as her elderly Catholic father is around, it's not likely she will divorce. She has told me that when she met me she realized that of all the relationships in her life, that ours is how it should be. Yet she doesn't move on. I am patient, but not stupid. I find myself getting out more and enjoying my life more. I feel good about me. I haven't given up, but I don't allow myself to get frustrated and adjust who I am anymore.
Dear Ron,
Somehow I found my case is very similar to yours. What you have shared really gave me more insight of my case. I am not just frustrated. I am devastated and completely broke down by now. My date came from a culturally traditional country that considers divorce is a shame for the whole family! I am financially very stable but she is just a rich kid all of her life, living in a little bit luxury at the moment. She was the one who came to me, not the other way around. She initiated all kinds of sweet text and phone calls and gestures and gifts and so on, from early morning to late night. There were several days we keep talking over the phone or texting until one or both of us fell asleep. She was the one who always said she wanted a new life with me, she determined I am the husband for the rest of her life, I am the one she loved the most, I am the one that made her the happiest woman in the world... It has been her with all that chemistry...
All those have made me decided to commit to her for our remaining days. We even discussed once or twice that we will be together when her son's grown up a bit.
Then suddenly, all this ignorance appeared. It did before but fast hence I did not pay much attention as I thought she was busy, very likely. But this time, almost 3 month she delayed our meeting, she texted but less, talked but distracted ... still but something ...
So I've decided to meet her one last time, talk things out. Deep down in my heart, I know it will take me many years to recover and get over from her. But i have to. It is destroying my mentality 24/24.
Please don't laugh at me if I say this is my first genuine love.
Mike, I would never laugh at another person who's heart, mind and soul are not at peace. You mention that she came from a rich family. I find rich people get bored, they are never satisfied with what they have. I hate to say it but it sounds like you may have been her latest diversion. This is hard to digest I know. But, believe me it's not the end all. It takes time to recapture yourself; who YOU are, what you want from life. As I said previously, I'm getting out with friends and family, enjoying some travel. I no longer let thoughts of her consume me. I respect myself now and won't let that happen. Letting go is hard, moving on is just as hard. I'm with you in thought and spirit.
Dear Ron, thank you so much for sharing. I bet you've gone through similar emotional status I've been in. That's how you address the issue so correctly. I mentioned "rich kid" as I meant she is probably getting used of living in luxury. Hence it is probably one of the reason she is hesitated to move on a new life with me as she may have to kiss goodbye to that luxurious lifestyle her parents (maybe husband too) are providing her. I am not biased with rich kids in a sense. An you are also right that it is hard to digest all those things opposite to sweet love that I've believed it is. In my case, I will find a reason to stop loving her I think. Love can't be forced but I can force my own self then. There is no other way out for me. Thanks a lot again Ron. I wish you all the best.
Mike,
Glad I could help. Something I learned a while ago; The only thing we truly have any control over is our own attitude. Good luck my brother.
Dear Ron,
Yes you did help confirming what I will have to face and go thru to move on with my life. I am not sure how it was in your case and others', but in my case I am still devastated everyday since she left me about 3-4 months ago. No matter how hard I try to force my feeling and my heart to stop missing her, I miss her more. I think of her the first thing in the morning when i wake up - if I ever get a sleep, and I think of her for long before bedtime. In my everyday life, every gesture of people on the street would remind me of her sight, every place we've been to has her sight, everything eventually leads to nostalgia of me having her. This is insane. I am scared. I dont know how I can live on like this.
Mike, you are suffering through separation anxiety. Very common but she clearly needs space and time and every time you want to talk to her you smother her.
disappear from her life...she will get separation anxiety from you not being around.
if you guys were in love she will reach out to you again.
I know I'm suffering through separation anxiety for the same exact reasons.
Robert is right on the money. You've made an emotional investment in this woman. It's not only separation anxiety, but the thought of her being with someone else, that she doesn't care enough about you and the relationship to have reached out to you. I'm with Robert, disappear for a while. Block her phone, get off social media links, etc. If she wants you she'll find you.