Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
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We get a lot of questions regarding separation, divorce, and dating. Many of them center around when it’s okay to start dating again and if it’s okay to do so while you’re separated but still married.
There are many variations of separation and divorce, but for all of them the challenges and problems remain the same. Dating while separated or even newly divorced may seem okay, but there are many unforeseen pitfalls.
Below is a question a reader sent about dating a married woman who is separated and my answer.
Reader Question:
I have been dating a married woman who is separated for about a month, but we both agree it feels like we have known or been dating for years. She has been separated for over a year, but her husband has been dragging the divorce out. She was married to this individual for 10 years. She is now 35. I am 38 and never been married. She has been dating prior to me, but I don't think it has been as serious as us. Things had been going really well until this last week and could feel her getting a bit distant. I finally asked her about it last night and of course it was a bit late. I asked if she did not feel the same way about me as she did. She said no she does. She felt circumstances were freaking her out. She is still married and doesn't know if she got into a serious relationship with me because she still is. I feel like she is scared of our relationship for fear it may end up again like her last? I have been treating her like I treat my other relationships, but I don't think she has been treated this well or nicely. I believe this may be adding to the freak out. I asked if she felt like she was missing out on some part of life of not being married? She said no again. What should I be asking or saying?" -Richard L.
Richard isn’t alone in his confusion.
The process of divorcing takes some time and many people are eager to move on with their lives and find someone new while still in it. That’s understandable, but there are many issues that will arise for both the person going through the separation and the person they’re dating.
Here’s the answer I gave him.
My Answer:
A common mistake a lot of people make is getting involved in a new relationship while an old one is still unresolved. And I don't just mean unresolved in regard to the divorce process being finished, but unresolved psychologically and emotionally as well.
A typical scenario is that when people finally decide to separate, often after years of being unhappily married, they immediately start looking for a more positive relationship.
They want to feel,
Again, this desire is understandable, but it usually leads to getting involved in a new relationship too soon after the separation.
I'm counseling a man right now who within weeks of finding out that his wife was cheating on him, separated and started dating.
Within 60 days of separating, he was in a pretty serious new relationship. That was 2 years ago and he admits now that he jumped into the new relationship way too soon. And as a result, it didn't last.
While I can't say precisely what's going on with the woman you're dating, Richard. I can say that dating a married woman who is separated is complicated.
I would bet that the emotional and psychological baggage of her marriage is causing your girlfriend to become distant.
What can you ask or say?
Probably not much, other than suggesting that the marriage she’s leaving is having an effect on you guys and there are things that she still needs to resolve.
Here are some suggestions for what you can do now:
It sounds like she's not ready to have the relationship you want right now.
Sometimes the timing is just not right. This doesn't have to mean that you can never have a relationship with her, but waiting until she’s in a better place will greatly increase the likelihood of success.
People who are separated or in the process of divorcing have likely struggled with their prior relationship for a long time.
Divorce typically isn’t an overnight decision.
Because there’s probably been years of growing resentment and distance, it’s not uncommon for one or both partners to crave attention and affection. To put it simply – they’re love starved.
They typically feel a combination of negative, uncomfortable emotions. Such as –
And they’re eager to feel a positive, romantic connection with someone - sometimes anyone - again.
Because of this a person who’s still married but separated is vulnerable to making poor choices when it comes to dating.
This doesn’t mean that you, as the person they want to date, are a poor choice, but that during this confusing time they’re either,
or
what they can really give to a relationship and their own current emotional state.
If you’re considering dating a woman (or man) who’s married but separated it would be wise to reconsider.
As strong as the attraction may be, the likelihood that the relationship will last is small. And taking that chance will put in you in a very real position to be hurt.
It will also cause problems for the other person and limit their healing.
If the connection between the two of you is strong enough, it’ll survive the time he or she needs to become someone fully available and ready to commit to a new relationship. The benefit will be a relationship that’s much more stable and less complicated as a result of you both waiting.
To say dating while separated isn’t ideal is an understatement. Relationships that begin during this emotional and logistical grey area are set up to fail and therefore cause pain for both partners.
If you’re currently dating someone, or considering dating someone, who’s going through a separation, keep the following in mind:
If you’re dating a woman who’s married but separated, take a lesson from Richard’s story and wait. Both of you will be happier in the end.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 5, 2010, updated on November 27, 2018 and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
Overthinking is like being on a mental hamster wheel – lots of energy expended, ultimately getting you nowhere.
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So here is my story.About 10 month ago I moved to another state and started for for a new company. I noticed that one of the female co-workers was friendly and helpful to extend that sometimes get out her way to help me with work related stuff. I started liking he. She told me that she and her husband have been separated for over 3 years after 20 years marriage. And this is the second time and there is no going back.she has 2 children. Well me being a hopeless romantic I emailed her and asked her out.she that she was very flattered but she is trying to focus on herself.she also said that she would definitely go out with me if timing was right. Fast forward a few months later I asked her for her phone number and she gave me her number.We started texting.about many many different topics. I am 37 never been married no kids and she is 42. We share a lots things about our past lives and our upbringings. A few days ago I indirectly asked if she wants to go out and she got a bit defensive. Saying that I can be pushy and that some people come to our lives seasonal and some for life time. We talked at work about it privately. She seems to care about me and like me.I really like her. I am in a very rough situation. Last time i dated seriously was 7 years ago. So by no means I am seasoned in relationship department. Any advice would be highly appreciated.
Mason,
There is nothing wrong with having feelings for someone.....it's how we are wired. Having them for the right person is the puzzle and struggle.
Two things stand out; It's been three years of separation and she's still focusing on herself? What about her kids? Secondly, she tells you outright that she thinks your pushy, with an invite to go out a few months apart? Red flags all over my friend. Move on. Your still young, plenty of "good" women out there. Keep this one a friendship only.
Dr Kurt and others..
I started dating a woman in early Jan. They attempted a separation 3 years ago. She wound up taking him back. He left June last year. The divorce was finalized in April of this year. All the classic signs of a woman who had a lot of emotional baggage and emotional damage was there. Frequent talk about her X, comparing me to her X etc. Although she kept telling me she was over him it was pretty obvious she wasnt over him or more importantly the baggage left over. She admit a while back she is in work in progress. Although i feel she could of been more upfront about a few things.
During the first 2 mos or so of dating she was constantly late our dates. I mean like 90 min on average. I finally got ticked off and wanted to break it off. She apologized and told me she was been selfish etc. Well about 6 weeks ago she came out and told me she didnt really care and years of a bad marriage she developed this i dont care attitude as a means of self preservation. I knew the signs were there but wanted to keep working at it. Lately she seems like she is coming around and things seem to be better. However, in the back of mind i cant help but think there is something not quite right. Her X has been pretty much absent during this whole time except one time he came over and couple of nasty texts. However, lately he has been calling ( they have 3 kids together and one is a minor). She says she loves me thinks about me all the time etc etc. It seems genuine but at the same time i cant help but think something doesnt feel right. Lot of lessons were learned from this. I have a better understanding of peoples behaviours and such. I can also kick myself for letting this woman keep me waiting when she was always late to our first 8 or so dates. She still after 6 mos continues to talk about her X fairly frequent but it seems to be getting better with this.
Do we have a chance? We are actually have started talk about me moving in on a part time basis. Maybe 3 days i stay and the rest i go home. Then she retracted a little and said we have to ease ourselves into it.
Hopeful, This sounds like a complicated situation. From what you have said it seems as though your girlfriend has a number of things to sort through. Counseling may be a good option for her, and for the two of you together. Moving in is a big step and brings additional complications. The two of you should feel sure about this step if that is the route you choose. - Dr. Kurt
Hopeful,
In my opinion, as long as you are feeling red flags, don't move in together. After six years with my "separated, but not divorced", friend, I still feel somethings not right. Ours is a long distance relationship, and we don't see each other as often as a "normal" relationship should. There are times when I don't hear from her and when she does call it's always a story. She finally told me the other day that, I've always believed and was told my family comes first." That her husband always complained that he and their marriage wasn't a priority for her. Well now I'm telling her the same thing. Will she change? I doubt it. Will my relationship last? I doubt it. I, yes I need to move on.
Dear Ron:
We are only 20 min apart but dont see each other much. Shes a workaholic. Early on she would come to my home or we would meet at a mutual destiantion for example at a IHOP or something. At some point she started complaining that she had too much on her plate that it w be easier for her i came to her home. So for the last 2 1/2-3mos ive been doing 80% of the traveling to her. Lately ive been asking her to bring some uniforms over and she could just go straight from work to my home. She keeps saying thats a good idea and even left 1 Uniform over. Which of course she wound up using and taking the last time she came up. I mentioned to her several times about packing 3 Uniforms and some other essentials. She keeps saying yea she should do that but hasnt. As before she would have to go home, get her stuff and then come over. This way it would be much easier. Sometimes it feels more like a phone relationship at times. We are on the phone at least 2 hours a day and i mentioned to her on several occasions she or i could just go up instead of been on the phone. To which she agreed. Yet we only see each other on average 1 time a week. We did spend more time together in the month of June but its back to our 1 week thing. She practically never initiates these meetings either it has to be me.
Yes i do sense a bunch of red flags. Constant talk about her X. A few things she admitted to me just recently that i wasnt to happy about. I also caught her flirting w a old coworker via phone but this was early on in our relationship right before we DTR (define the relationship). I dont have immediate plans to move in w her. It was more broaching the subject just out of curiosity. If i was to do something like this it would be on a PT basis. However, for the immediate future i have no plans on moving w her.
Dr Kurty, Ron and others:
Thanks..Im not moving in w her in the near future. I was curious to what she would say and broached the subject. I actually prefer a LAT (living apart together) arrangement. If i was to do something like this it would be on a PT basis. I still feel she has too much leftover baggage. She did mention maybe needing counseling therapy just the other day...
Kurt,
thank you for your insight. Things recently ended for me with someone going through a divorce as the ex was giving her a really hard time.
Question. ..have you seen many examples of people getting back together after the divorce has been finalized (not the married couple lol)
Dear Greg:
I often hear that its a year after the divorce the X usually starts their BS or other stuff comes out. My gal has only been officially divorced for 2mos. Weve been dating for 6. X hubby has been pretty much quiet up until 3 weeks ago. As im already dealing w someone who has a ton of emotional baggage this doesnt help our situation. I hope he goes back to been quiet.
Wow. A lot of this going on out there. Looks like we're all in the same boat, so I appreciate the comments and feedback. It's really hard when you care about someone and they seemingly "just aren't into you." What to do? I keep hanging in there with my long distance relationship because I believe she's a good fit for me, we enjoy each others company, good sex. Do I want more, bring it to the next level? Yes, I do. But, she doesn't seem to be on the same page and is quite content as things are. She does whatever she wants, when she wants. They concept of a couple, partnership is almost foreign to her. This likely why previous relationships and her marriage have failed. She didn't even acknowledge our "anniversary" of 6 years the other day!!
Since this relationship is 2,000 mi apart, I leave myself open to change and for someone else to come into my life. If it's worth it, hang in there. If you find yourself compromising who YOU are....run, get out before you have invested too much emotionally, financially, mentally, and physically.
You have done an excellent work in passing out the message through this blog, keep up the good work!