Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
4 Min Read
Contents
We get a lot of questions regarding separation, divorce, and dating. Many of them center around when it’s okay to start dating again and if it’s okay to do so while you’re separated but still married.
There are many variations of separation and divorce, but for all of them the challenges and problems remain the same. Dating while separated or even newly divorced may seem okay, but there are many unforeseen pitfalls.
Below is a question a reader sent about dating a married woman who is separated and my answer.
Reader Question:
I have been dating a married woman who is separated for about a month, but we both agree it feels like we have known or been dating for years. She has been separated for over a year, but her husband has been dragging the divorce out. She was married to this individual for 10 years. She is now 35. I am 38 and never been married. She has been dating prior to me, but I don't think it has been as serious as us. Things had been going really well until this last week and could feel her getting a bit distant. I finally asked her about it last night and of course it was a bit late. I asked if she did not feel the same way about me as she did. She said no she does. She felt circumstances were freaking her out. She is still married and doesn't know if she got into a serious relationship with me because she still is. I feel like she is scared of our relationship for fear it may end up again like her last? I have been treating her like I treat my other relationships, but I don't think she has been treated this well or nicely. I believe this may be adding to the freak out. I asked if she felt like she was missing out on some part of life of not being married? She said no again. What should I be asking or saying?" -Richard L.
Richard isn’t alone in his confusion.
The process of divorcing takes some time and many people are eager to move on with their lives and find someone new while still in it. That’s understandable, but there are many issues that will arise for both the person going through the separation and the person they’re dating.
Here’s the answer I gave him.
My Answer:
A common mistake a lot of people make is getting involved in a new relationship while an old one is still unresolved. And I don't just mean unresolved in regard to the divorce process being finished, but unresolved psychologically and emotionally as well.
A typical scenario is that when people finally decide to separate, often after years of being unhappily married, they immediately start looking for a more positive relationship.
They want to feel,
Again, this desire is understandable, but it usually leads to getting involved in a new relationship too soon after the separation.
I'm counseling a man right now who within weeks of finding out that his wife was cheating on him, separated and started dating.
Within 60 days of separating, he was in a pretty serious new relationship. That was 2 years ago and he admits now that he jumped into the new relationship way too soon. And as a result, it didn't last.
While I can't say precisely what's going on with the woman you're dating, Richard. I can say that dating a married woman who is separated is complicated.
I would bet that the emotional and psychological baggage of her marriage is causing your girlfriend to become distant.
What can you ask or say?
Probably not much, other than suggesting that the marriage she’s leaving is having an effect on you guys and there are things that she still needs to resolve.
Here are some suggestions for what you can do now:
It sounds like she's not ready to have the relationship you want right now.
Sometimes the timing is just not right. This doesn't have to mean that you can never have a relationship with her, but waiting until she’s in a better place will greatly increase the likelihood of success.
People who are separated or in the process of divorcing have likely struggled with their prior relationship for a long time.
Divorce typically isn’t an overnight decision.
Because there’s probably been years of growing resentment and distance, it’s not uncommon for one or both partners to crave attention and affection. To put it simply – they’re love starved.
They typically feel a combination of negative, uncomfortable emotions. Such as –
And they’re eager to feel a positive, romantic connection with someone - sometimes anyone - again.
Because of this a person who’s still married but separated is vulnerable to making poor choices when it comes to dating.
This doesn’t mean that you, as the person they want to date, are a poor choice, but that during this confusing time they’re either,
or
what they can really give to a relationship and their own current emotional state.
If you’re considering dating a woman (or man) who’s married but separated it would be wise to reconsider.
As strong as the attraction may be, the likelihood that the relationship will last is small. And taking that chance will put in you in a very real position to be hurt.
It will also cause problems for the other person and limit their healing.
If the connection between the two of you is strong enough, it’ll survive the time he or she needs to become someone fully available and ready to commit to a new relationship. The benefit will be a relationship that’s much more stable and less complicated as a result of you both waiting.
To say dating while separated isn’t ideal is an understatement. Relationships that begin during this emotional and logistical grey area are set up to fail and therefore cause pain for both partners.
If you’re currently dating someone, or considering dating someone, who’s going through a separation, keep the following in mind:
If you’re dating a woman who’s married but separated, take a lesson from Richard’s story and wait. Both of you will be happier in the end.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published June 5, 2010, updated on November 27, 2018 and has been updated for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
Overthinking is like being on a mental hamster wheel – lots of energy expended, ultimately getting you nowhere.
Struggling with How To Love A Woman? Get some Relationship Advice on Love from a marriage counselor. See how Women Say They Want To Be Loved.
© 2025 Guy Stuff Counseling & Coaching, APC, All Rights Reserved.
Privacy Policy | Sitemap | Do Not Sell or Share My Information
Featured logos are trademarks of their respective owners.
I am seeing, not physically, a women going through a physically abusive marriage. She has been separated for 5 years, and in a different state.
She just put in for divorce, and they, lawyers,are working it. Asset issues.
She and I hit it off real well. But, she doesnt want to go any further so as not to jeopardize the asset issue.
Question is, how do ask, tell her I am have patience, respect her wishes, and want to give her space without, "breaking up".
I truly see a good relationship with her. We just click
It's not worth it trust me. Since my last post on here it's a roller coaster ride for me. Even when you think you give enuff space it's still not enuff. You basically have to move on with your life and date other women and forget about this one you currently want to be with. The hot and cold has killed me and hurt soo bad plus the pulling away. Like I said not worth it man. Trust me.
Update 2023. She is now sleeping with someone else which I just found out recently. I was a fool to believe she was staying elevate. Men on here please don't get involved with these broken toxic women. They will chew you up and spit you up once done with you. My heart is broken and I feel betrayed and it's my fault because I didn't listen to the what this article talked about.
Monie, I'm sorry. Thank you for checking back in and sharing the rest of your story. Hopefully, it will help someone else reading this to save themselves from the pain you're now experiencing. - Dr. Kurt
Thank you Dr. Kurt. It was a very hard lesson to learn. I knew I had to walk away from her after that. If she decides to reach out to me on her own then I might consider it trying again but only if she is officially divorced. However I'm not waiting for this any longer and 2024 begins a new chapter in my life and focusing on myself and my purpose.
this is exactly what happened to me and the article is so much helpful i love you thank you all good luck
This article's advice is 100% correct! Against my better judgement I gave into a whirlwind romance with a much younger (20yrs younger!) woman who was 2 months separated, I was even told I was the first person she'd slept with since her marriage. And to top it off, she had very young kids (5,8 yr olds), and what seemed like a very bitter divorce, and she lived an hour away. My kids were older (5yr gap between my youngest and her oldest), but I really didn't think it'd turn into much given the obvious risks and very large age gap. Our kid schedules only allowed for seeing one another maybe 4-5x per month, but it went on for 6 months, and I even met her friends, and she met some of mine. The closest thing we had to relationship talks were basically her saying 'I'm still going through a divorce, I like it the way it is', which I interpreted as 'this isn't going anywhere'. Then I finally got the 'oh I'm overwhelmed with my divorce, I may need some time' and never saw or heard from her again. It was clear she was avoiding me for the prior couple weeks, so not a total shock -- and it wasn't hard to read between the lines that she was done with our whirlwind and I assume found someone nearby to take my place, but didn't want to confront me with that. I knew better about getting too involved, but hey oxytocin/dopamine is powerful and it was hard to give up the attention. But the abruptness of it ending still hurt me, even though the 'relationship' didn't make sense from the beginning, I was hoping for a more mature way of handling the breakup. Now that the oxytocin haze has cleared, I realize I was just being used as a feel-good rebound relationship with no intention of it going anywhere, no matter how much she may have thought it had potential in the first place. I was complicit in sustaining it, but in retrospect I'm glad it ended when it did rather than feel greater pain down the road. But in the future, best to avoid anyone in the midst of a divorce.
I totally agree with you. After what I went through I will never get involved with separated or newly divorced woman ever again. Everything in the article happened to me with what Dr Kurt indicated in his article. It's been 4 months since walking away for good. I know it's the right decision. We all deserve better. You cannot have a true healthy relationship with a emotionally unavailable person. It will never work no matter how much you want it to. And if you don't walk away you will end up heart broken trust me.
Hearing you're story!!!!!! I'm going through something so similar!!!! She has jistv1 daughter 7 years ... and her emotional Rollercoaster of her divorce had me feeling exactly what you described!!! Its sad and awful... I feel bad because this is where damaged goods come from .. she is a very pure at heart person but her mind is screwed up from the past relationship...it is very heartbreaking