Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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Contents
Is porn cheating? Or is it an acceptable choice?
Men watching porn (and increasingly women too) has become a more regular and destigmatized activity.
But what does that mean for a relationship?
Is porn cheating, or is it a legitimate way to get sexual stimulation without actually cheating?
But before that question can be answered, there are a few other questions that need to be asked and answered first.
The truth is that for most people porn is almost always watched alone and secretly. So, the next question is,
There are two primary viewpoints when it comes to whether porn is cheating.
Who’s right?
Before you answer that, let’s look more closely at what porn can do to you and your relationship.
Porn seems harmless enough, right?
No one is really getting hurt. People want to make it, and you want to watch it. No big deal.
Wrong – it can actually be a very big deal.
Whether you recognize it or not, looking at porn has an extremely negative effect on you and your relationship. Unfortunately, it’s often hard to see that effect until it’s pointed out.
Watching porn changes how we view sex and what we find stimulating. This then changes the sexual relationship with our current or (future partners).
Below are some examples of how porn can harm both those who watch and their partners.
Remember - female porn stars are paid to behave as they do on screen – they’re acting out male fantasies and not representative of most normal female behavior in bed.
Consider the effect on your partner when they realize they alone aren’t stimulating enough for you, and that you need to look at other women in order to get fully aroused, stay that way, and orgasm.
Many people struggle answering the question, "Is porn cheating?" Ultimately, each person has to decide for themselves.
But if your relationship is suffering because porn has negatively affected it, it certainly fits into the ‘that’s a problem’ category if nothing else.
“Okay, but it’s still not really cheating – is it?”
I hear this question quite a bit from couples for whom porn has become a problem.
Well-known psychologist Dr. Phil has addressed whether porn is cheating many times. Here are his thoughts from the article Is Internet Pornography Cheating? to help you in answering the question for yourself:
Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a "normal guy thing"? Here's what Dr. Phil believes [emphasis added]:
Ask yourself or your partner:
And most importantly,
I’m saying you need to consider all the aspects and effects of watching porn. It’s much more complicated than people want to believe.
Opinions on whether porn is cheating will vary.
But be careful not to default the easiest conclusion and accept that there's nothing wrong with looking at porn.
If you’re a partner, it’s okay to reject porn and place it in the cheating category if it makes you feel unattractive and betrayed. If this is the case, however, you’ll need to have a frank and open conversation with your partner.
If you’re the one looking at porn, perhaps the biggest determination as to whether porn in cheating is going to be how your partner feels about it.
Is your partner hurt when you watch porn? If so, it may not convince you that porn is cheating, but it should be enough for you to make an effort to stop out of love for them.
Porn is a very difficult topic to talk about, especially with your partner. Most people who watch porn naturally feel embarrassed and guilty about it. That guilt alone can make porn feel like cheating.
Many need professional assistance in changing their behavior when watching porn has become a habit that needs to stop. This process can also help you learn how to effectively talk to your partner about porn as well.
Get the guidance and understanding of an< expert in counseling men, who’s experienced in dealing with porn addictions to assist you if you believe porn is cheating and it has become a stumbling block in your relationship.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on July 3, 2012, updated on September 11, 2018, June 1, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
Let’s be honest, quitting porn can be tough. Learn how to handle withdrawl here.
Learn the top causes of Addiction to Porn from an expert. Porn Addiction is real, so understand what makes men so vulnerable to an Addiction to Porn.
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I recently was on my google acount settings and I found a whole bunch of shocking searches that broke my heart. My fiance had my gmail logged in on his phone and I guess apparantly it saves and tracks all his google searches. Basically everytime I left the house he was on google for hours searching for certain pictures of certain porn stars. He knew them by name, I mean foreign long complcated names that I couldnt spell and I was a spelling champion. He searches for the "best body hottest russian porn star" and things like that as well. I t crushed me. I had told me about a year ago that watching a liitle bit of basic porn doesnt really bother me, especially if im there when he does it, but looking up specific women by name, obviously lusting after them, admiring them, wanting them, that has really broke me and ruined my self esteem. I feel so unloved and un wanted and not good enough now. He now uses a VPN private browser to do his searches and thats even worse now because I told him how I feel and instead of quitting he tries to get sneakier. I am not sure what to do now but I am lost and sad and basically devastaed. He doesnt think its cheating and maybe not physically but mentally and thats just as bad as far as I see it
I am sorry Stephanie. I so understand that crushing feeling. Yes. I am aware of the VPN. And then he told me he needed his own phone and line. In case he wanted to do some coding of a phone app. We were paying massive phone bills already. He had at least 8 emails that I am aware of. Probably more.
The most telling thing you said was when you told him and instead of empathy for your feelings he just got more sneaky. You have to be there to really grasp just how scary it is that someone you love is treating you like this. I had one of them guys. He was not that guy for 14 years.. Then something happened to him.
A couple months earlier we were sitting at our desks in our office. And he just slipped in under his breath.. 'wait until the girls start.' I heard him and asked him, "what girls?" What are you talking about? He said when I start counseling. I noticed he did not mention guys. And did I mention he is not a "counselor"? And I felt a punch in my stomach.
"This is our marriage. A marriage for 2. I don't share."
And I 100% agree with you Stephanie. I do believe it is cheating. The fact that they can get so aroused to completion shows they are not just watching porn but imagining themselves being the recipient of the act. That he is seeking out certain ones shows it is not just watching. He has taken it to the next level of "personalization."
I just found out that my boyfriend of 4 years has probably been watching porn the entire relationship, I have asked him about it and he always denied it was happening, we also have had some distrust when it comes to FB and adding other women then when confronted the women disappear off his friends list...when I confronted him about the porn he said "sorry but our sex life is pretty lame" .... I am crushed....he works away from home and sometimes is gone for weeks at a time but is clearly making this my fault .... I am feeling pretty lost on the next step....I am pretty certain a "threat" to leave would do nothing and he would help me pack my bags....been there done that twice....still trying to hang on but not sure why anymore?
Men are watching some of the most disgusting things in porn which is why we're being fooled into thinking our sex life just isn't good enough since our wife won't do what we're viewing on the screen. Next time you date, you must ask a guy "Describe the last porn you watched." None of this is going to change unless laws come out to stop this. Porn is too easy to get to and children are now watching it because they see it in their parent's browser history. This is all corrupt and done on purpose. There are many people behind these scripts that want men and women to turn on each other. I lost the love of my life over my porn addiction 🙁 She now brags about her new man on her social media and I get to see the pictures of him treating her better. I made a mistake and there's no turning back.
Ditch him! I know it's hard to start over after
4 years, but then you can breathe again. You deserve better than to feel like trash. why let him make you feel so bad about yourself. Iwent throgh this
I have been with my husband for 13 years. Married for 7. I found out early in our relationship that he masturbated to porn and we used to have huge fights about it. I always backed down, wanted to believe it was a momentary bump in the road and continued to be positive,
The early years were tough but the last 5 have been a nightmare. I have found porn on every device we own, found several flash drives with saved images of his favorite porn stars, and been lied to and gaslighted beyond belief.
About a year a half ago I saw he posted an add on CL personals. He posted a couple pics of his erect penis and had a very well worded add for a "bi-sexual man in need of expert service." He created a gmail account to field emails and exchanged pictures and corresponded with several men and women.
The 3-4 years leading up to this "post" he turned me down for sex regularly and preferred to masturbate. I know everyone says this but believe it...its NOT about you ladies! I am a very attractive ultra marathon runner who is also intelligent, funny, empathetic and to trusting.
my husband is a sex addict and his addiction escalated to the point of him posting that ad on CL.
I've tried to work it out him him but have finally come to realize it's time to let go and move on with life. I feel like I'll never be able to trust him again and am dealing with PTSD and anxiety attacks still today. He is going to therapy because I finally gave him an ultimatum...but who because he didn't do it for himself, I'm not convinced his heart is in it.
Again, all you scared, beautiful intelligent women out there, it's not about you. It's their problem. Create your boundaries and stick with them!
I'm a woman in her 30's and would be miffed if I was in a relationship where my partner didn't allow me to watch porn. The egotistical idea that "I'm the only one who he/she gets to see naked" or "I'm the only one who gets to turn him/her on" is totally egotistical and coming from a place of deep insecurity. Now I get if his watching porn is depriving you of sex, or it leads to actual cheating, but there's nothing wrong with wanting to give yourself an orgasm if your partner either isn't around or simply can't.
I am also a women in my 30’s but my boyfriend of 7 years would watch porn just at work or at places where he wasn’t even mastubating. He would spend an hour or so a day just looking, which made me feel like a blow up doll that he used after he looked at that to get horny. After years of him lying that he would stop, I believe he finally did a year and a half ago, but only because I told him I would leave him. Now if I bring it up he just yells at me. I used to like to watch porn with my partner but he would never watch it with me and instead lied about it. It’s the lying part that I’m not ok with and I told him I wanted an honest open relationship.. not what he gave me, just emotional abuse since he stopped looking and now we r about to break up