Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
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Contents
Is porn cheating? Or is it an acceptable choice?
Men watching porn (and increasingly women too) has become a more regular and destigmatized activity.
But what does that mean for a relationship?
Is porn cheating, or is it a legitimate way to get sexual stimulation without actually cheating?
But before that question can be answered, there are a few other questions that need to be asked and answered first.
The truth is that for most people porn is almost always watched alone and secretly. So, the next question is,
There are two primary viewpoints when it comes to whether porn is cheating.
Who’s right?
Before you answer that, let’s look more closely at what porn can do to you and your relationship.
Porn seems harmless enough, right?
No one is really getting hurt. People want to make it, and you want to watch it. No big deal.
Wrong – it can actually be a very big deal.
Whether you recognize it or not, looking at porn has an extremely negative effect on you and your relationship. Unfortunately, it’s often hard to see that effect until it’s pointed out.
Watching porn changes how we view sex and what we find stimulating. This then changes the sexual relationship with our current or (future partners).
Below are some examples of how porn can harm both those who watch and their partners.
Remember - female porn stars are paid to behave as they do on screen – they’re acting out male fantasies and not representative of most normal female behavior in bed.
Consider the effect on your partner when they realize they alone aren’t stimulating enough for you, and that you need to look at other women in order to get fully aroused, stay that way, and orgasm.
Many people struggle answering the question, "Is porn cheating?" Ultimately, each person has to decide for themselves.
But if your relationship is suffering because porn has negatively affected it, it certainly fits into the ‘that’s a problem’ category if nothing else.
“Okay, but it’s still not really cheating – is it?”
I hear this question quite a bit from couples for whom porn has become a problem.
Well-known psychologist Dr. Phil has addressed whether porn is cheating many times. Here are his thoughts from the article Is Internet Pornography Cheating? to help you in answering the question for yourself:
Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a "normal guy thing"? Here's what Dr. Phil believes [emphasis added]:
Ask yourself or your partner:
And most importantly,
I’m saying you need to consider all the aspects and effects of watching porn. It’s much more complicated than people want to believe.
Opinions on whether porn is cheating will vary.
But be careful not to default the easiest conclusion and accept that there's nothing wrong with looking at porn.
If you’re a partner, it’s okay to reject porn and place it in the cheating category if it makes you feel unattractive and betrayed. If this is the case, however, you’ll need to have a frank and open conversation with your partner.
If you’re the one looking at porn, perhaps the biggest determination as to whether porn in cheating is going to be how your partner feels about it.
Is your partner hurt when you watch porn? If so, it may not convince you that porn is cheating, but it should be enough for you to make an effort to stop out of love for them.
Porn is a very difficult topic to talk about, especially with your partner. Most people who watch porn naturally feel embarrassed and guilty about it. That guilt alone can make porn feel like cheating.
Many need professional assistance in changing their behavior when watching porn has become a habit that needs to stop. This process can also help you learn how to effectively talk to your partner about porn as well.
Get the guidance and understanding of an< expert in counseling men, who’s experienced in dealing with porn addictions to assist you if you believe porn is cheating and it has become a stumbling block in your relationship.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on July 3, 2012, updated on September 11, 2018, June 1, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Breaking a porn addiction isn’t easy. Learn how to handle relapses here.
Let’s be honest, quitting porn can be tough. Learn how to handle withdrawl here.
Learn the top causes of Addiction to Porn from an expert. Porn Addiction is real, so understand what makes men so vulnerable to an Addiction to Porn.
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I really don't care about what some self-centered man comments on about women being close minded by reacting negatively to porn. Firstly, obviously you're in the wrong place because if you've read the counselor's notes on porn, you would have gotten the "drift" of what this blog is all about. If you think you don't have a problem, then go to another blog page and stop making comments that don't help anyone here OK? Next, if everyone here thinks alike, then doesn't that make you wonder if something is wrong with you instead, lol! The majority rules! Maybe you're the problem here. Why my husband was looking at porn wasn't because I wasn't hot, it was because I hadn't had sex with him for 2 weeks. Now we're back on track and having it 3-4 times a week, which he says is more than enough for him. He also is humble enough to admit that he has a problem, and has also been reading notes from this blog. Our marriage has gone to a new level. So ladies, don't listen to men who think your hubby, etc. can use porn and do you too. Get them help or you get help somehow or leave, because we all deserve better. Thanks Kurt for all the good, moral info on your blog! At least we know that there are a lot of good, moral people out there.
Lucille, Thank you for the kind words, and congratulations on your success as a couple. Best wishes. -Kurt
I so wish that this thread could be sent to our governments so they can see the serious, lasting effect that porn has on everybody. Something seriously needs to be done as this has serious effects on too many families and people's mental health in general. When will this end! It's gone too far already!
I never felt strong on the gov't banning free porn access but now I do. It is not because of spouses and partners watching porn. It is the children. No matter how much you filter and block some other kid will expose them to it. I work in an elementary school. We have many children who live in a foster facility. These poor babies were removed from their homes. Many have been exposed to all forms of porn...shocking and they act it out. I'm talking about little little girls and boys. It is so very sad and evil. It has damaged society. So, not is it just affecting grown up relationships, but little and I mean little children too. Beware parents, no matter where you live, prestigious private schools, public, Christian schools, most kids have cell phones today, and at least someone in their circle of friends can expose them to this -evil. So men and women out there, it is really bad. They can see anything out there.
I have been married for 10 years and 3 years ago I found out my husband watches porn.
He promised he would stop, I almost died when I found out. I felt really betrayed by him, there were times when I "almost caught " him watching it but he would say that I was crazy, seeing things that are not there. He stays up a lot late at night and the other day I got out of bed like 4 am and he was still in the living room... I came close to him a d he immediately closed the screen. I asked what he was watching he said: a football match. Part of me really wants to believe him because I don't have the strength to deal with this anymore. I will see a therapist next week to try to talk to someone because I don't have any one to talk to about this, my family and sisters would probably laugh at me and say that this is notmal for a guy to do... But I hate it, there were times in our marriage that he would stay up for less than 1 minute, my gut tells me he still watchs it but he deletes everything, keeps everything on incognito. He masturbates a lot I know that, is it possible to masturbate without porn?
Sarah, Yes, it's possible to masturbate without porn. To your other point, ED is also a side effect of porn addiction. It's great you're going to talk to a counselor, hopefully one that specializes in porn addiction. A professional can help you deal with your own feelings about this., as well as explain porn addiction. -Kurt
Hi. I am with my boyfriend for few years. He told me that he is watching porn when we started dating. Of course, not in private but in front of his friends. They also watched. They were talking about what they liked there. He told me that he very liked videos with two women because he likes to see what they do to each other and 2 women are better than 1... He told me that I don't like porn because I've seen the 'bad kind' where men humiliate women - he will show me some better (where men are kind to women or two women kind to each other). He wanted to watch it with me, masturbate with me to that or have sex while he would watch it. I refused. He really liked the 2 women videos because he asked me (not once) to have a threesome (with women - with men it would be disgusting according to him). It took me a year when he finally told me that he understands and he will never do it again. The thing is that I don't know if it is the truth. Because I have already found him looking for photos, gifs that were from porn. Of course 2 women. I hate him because of this. By that that he watched those videos that humiliated women he humiliated me. After 2 years of 'yes I understand I am not going to do it again' and 'I am sorry I don't know why have I done it' - I have really enough. He is really trying to make me trust him - but I have a feeling that it is not possible . I am not going to trust him again. He destroyed our relationship.
I know that a lot of women are facing this. Not just women but mothers. I am really sorry that you have go though this. Stay strong. And please - if you will have a son or you already have one - tell him. Explain to him why it is bad. Specially in a relationship. Make him smart and prepared for a relationship. And hopefully he will understand.
I have been with my partner for around 18 months and in the beginning we only saw each other three days a week as we lived far apart. We are very similar people and get on extremely well and love each other very much. He told me that he thought porn was ok early on in our relationship, I told him I don't like it in a relationship unless both partners use it together. I also noticed how he looks at women, he really scans them up and down. I have raised it, again because it's wrong. I have no doubt we all look at the opposite sex but it was too much. We had an argument, he told me he was people watching hmmmm. He started suffering with ED after about six months in to the relationship, skipping on we have lived together for about 7 months.
He still has ED, and I started to feel very suspicious that something was going on. I looked at his old computer's history (he no longer uses it since we moved in together. It was FULL of pages and pages of porn, for each day, I couldn't even be bothered to go through it there was so much. He also watched at least 7 videos each night. So, while we were chatting on messenger, I was the last person he was thinking about.
He wont touch me sexually and it's now been about two months since we had sex or any form of physical intimacy. He has watched porn when I've been at work, quite literally for the day. He's also watched it when I've been in bed on a few occasions that I know of. I told him how awful this makes me feel and while I didn't ask him to stop watching it, he has promised he never will, in fact he has promised me this several times. Guess what, it was an empty promise. He has now installed this thing called 'Tor' on his laptop where you can surf the net and work can't see what you've been looking at. He's been going to work on his night shifts and been looking at porn, I know this as he saved a site in his favorites. He's going in to incognito mode or deleting history. I feel totally betrayed, he's lied to me and he's broken a promise. He has been to the Dr about his ED and he has been prescribed tablets. I have tried talking to him about porn, it ends up in an argument and he tells me I'm obsessed with it. I don't know what to do anymore, I just want this to go away so we can get on with our relationship.