Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Contents
Is porn cheating? Or is it an acceptable choice?
Men watching porn (and increasingly women too) has become a more regular and destigmatized activity.
But what does that mean for a relationship?
Is porn cheating, or is it a legitimate way to get sexual stimulation without actually cheating?
But before that question can be answered, there are a few other questions that need to be asked and answered first.
The truth is that for most people porn is almost always watched alone and secretly. So, the next question is,
There are two primary viewpoints when it comes to whether porn is cheating.
Who’s right?
Before you answer that, let’s look more closely at what porn can do to you and your relationship.
Porn seems harmless enough, right?
No one is really getting hurt. People want to make it, and you want to watch it. No big deal.
Wrong – it can actually be a very big deal.
Whether you recognize it or not, looking at porn has an extremely negative effect on you and your relationship. Unfortunately, it’s often hard to see that effect until it’s pointed out.
Watching porn changes how we view sex and what we find stimulating. This then changes the sexual relationship with our current or (future partners).
Below are some examples of how porn can harm both those who watch and their partners.
Remember - female porn stars are paid to behave as they do on screen – they’re acting out male fantasies and not representative of most normal female behavior in bed.
Consider the effect on your partner when they realize they alone aren’t stimulating enough for you, and that you need to look at other women in order to get fully aroused, stay that way, and orgasm.
Many people struggle answering the question, "Is porn cheating?" Ultimately, each person has to decide for themselves.
But if your relationship is suffering because porn has negatively affected it, it certainly fits into the ‘that’s a problem’ category if nothing else.
“Okay, but it’s still not really cheating – is it?”
I hear this question quite a bit from couples for whom porn has become a problem.
Well-known psychologist Dr. Phil has addressed whether porn is cheating many times. Here are his thoughts from the article Is Internet Pornography Cheating? to help you in answering the question for yourself:
Internet pornography is a growing trend that has many people worried about their relationships. Is it cheating? And is it a "normal guy thing"? Here's what Dr. Phil believes [emphasis added]:
Ask yourself or your partner:
And most importantly,
I’m saying you need to consider all the aspects and effects of watching porn. It’s much more complicated than people want to believe.
Opinions on whether porn is cheating will vary.
But be careful not to default the easiest conclusion and accept that there's nothing wrong with looking at porn.
If you’re a partner, it’s okay to reject porn and place it in the cheating category if it makes you feel unattractive and betrayed. If this is the case, however, you’ll need to have a frank and open conversation with your partner.
If you’re the one looking at porn, perhaps the biggest determination as to whether porn in cheating is going to be how your partner feels about it.
Is your partner hurt when you watch porn? If so, it may not convince you that porn is cheating, but it should be enough for you to make an effort to stop out of love for them.
Porn is a very difficult topic to talk about, especially with your partner. Most people who watch porn naturally feel embarrassed and guilty about it. That guilt alone can make porn feel like cheating.
Many need professional assistance in changing their behavior when watching porn has become a habit that needs to stop. This process can also help you learn how to effectively talk to your partner about porn as well.
Get the guidance and understanding of an< expert in counseling men, who’s experienced in dealing with porn addictions to assist you if you believe porn is cheating and it has become a stumbling block in your relationship.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published on July 3, 2012, updated on September 11, 2018, June 1, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Women ask Why Does My Boyfriend Watch Porn Then Want Sex With Me? See what a relationship counselor for men says about men Watching Porn And Wanting Sex,
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Let’s be honest, quitting porn can be tough. Learn how to handle withdrawl here.
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My husband watched porn when we first got married and I even woke up in the middle of the night to see him looking at it on the computer. Between that and him being controlling about money I left and wasn't going to return. We ended up getting back together and he stopped. Here lately I have found it on his phone in his history and he says it was put there because of pop up ads. I don't think it is. I think he's lying to cover up things. I am a very jealous person but seeing this and thinking he's lying has made me worse and I get mad even when he talks or texts girls about business and I know it's just business. I feel like I'm going crazy. Any advice!!!
My husband and I have been together almost 7yrs now, only married for 7 months. He always openly watched porn whenever, where ever. At first, in the beginning of the relationship i watched with him for his satisfaction only as i explained to him that i was more into making a porn with my significant other than watching it. I also explained to him that i did not like the fact that he watched it so much. He slowed down, but very little. Needless to say he kept watching porn and i kept my mouth closed. We have one 2yr old daughter together and i have an older daughter from a previous relationship but my husband is her father without a doubt. Thats besides the point, after my 2yr old i put on weight as to my first child i didnt. So im not the same size i was when we were dating. Im not fat either just a little tummy. My husband has his preferences in women (skinny, small round bottom, small breast , ALL THAT I USED TO BE!) and he has let it be known. Though, he swears hes attracted to me as he always was, like he was when i was a size 2. He watches porn more now then he did! EVERYDAY 2 TO 3 TIMES A DAY. Before sex with me sometime, which i do not know if its intentional or not. We have sex everyday most weeks and i am an over achiever when it comes to satisfying my man. He always has his eyes closed alot when im giving him oral or were having sex. Is he thinking about the skinny women in the porn he just watched, is he disgusted and unattracted to me? Ive had the porn conversation over and over with him and nothing has changed other than the increase in watching. I ask him why he watches, what does it do for him, why he watches so much, is it something wrong with me? He claims he watches because of the art of porn. Its just entertainment to him. Huh???? Most of the time he doesnt even masturbate to it, he gets hard, turns it off then has sex with me or doesnt masturbate or try to have sex at all after. Which makes me feel he has to watch it in order to have sex with me. Which by the way it is harder to get him aroused these days. The worst of worst part is sometimes he continues to watch while im giving him oral or he will put the phone off to the side and watch while having sex with me or instead turn it on the tv while we have sex. He knows i have self esteem issues since my gaining weight. But no matter how much i break down and cry to him and tell him how him constantly indulging in porn makes me feel he wont stop! Help me Kurt, what do i do?!
Shanice, Porn addiction is really tricky. Most men don't realize they are addicted or that there are side effects. Most men need professional help from someone like me who specializes in porn addiction to even realize they have a problem. Like any addiction, however, he will have to want to get help. -Kurt
Hi Kurt.
Thank you for creating this site the information I get here is brilliant and I hope will help. I have a dilemma of my own. My boyfriend and I have been together for nearly 3 years now, we're both 24. Last year when my boyfriend and I moved in together about 9 months back. I noticed he was interacting with me less and less it got to the point where I'd be hinting or asking that we make love but he would always find excuses not too. I found out that he was watching porn on his phone before he had his shower so he didn't want me. I confronted him over it and he turned the entire conversation around saying he had no privacy because I looked at his phone. I felt guilty so I apologized and we ignored it. But then it starts happening all over again I snooped because I was concerned he wouldn't talk to me about anything. I found he was looking at Teens again and they were doing things I wasn't comfortable with. I confronted him again only to be met with the same answer making me feel like I was in the wrong again so I just started doing things like the girls in porn but it just made me feel uncomfortable and hurt, I put myself through emotional and physical pain to please him. I fell into depression and started cutting. My boyfriend saw the cuts one night and asked why I was doing it, I explained it was because I wasn't good enough for him because I'm nothing like the girls in porn, he promised me he'd stop. As you can probably guess the cycle started again, I discovered he was watching teen porn again, Only this time I was doing research into human trafficking and found that the porn industry is basically built on it. Girls younger than the legal age of 18 are dragged into the industry. When I started to talk about it to him he tried to debunk me telling me "It's not like that, it only happens in 3rd world countries" he then told me that I was doing this to spite him for watching porn. Part of me wanted to say yes but I really wasn't. Instead I would try to explain what was going on that he was supporting a dangerous industry. It took me cutting myself so much that now my entire midriff is covered with scars and I really didn't do it because of him I did it because 1)I have depression and BPD 2) I felt like I wasn't good enough. He promised to stop and things seemed really good fpr a while. Till last night. When I found he was doing it again. Only this time he didn't have data on his phone to look at it which meant the search was from a previous time. He promised me he was done with it. When I confronted him he was shocked and confused and told me "But I haven't been looking at porn" I came up with this crazy idea that maybe his phone brought up a previous search but he deletes his history. I don't know what to do, I want to believe him and trust him but I also feel I can't. I don't want to lose him and if o suggest counseling he won't want to do it.
Victoria, Porn addiction is tricky and most men don't realize they're addicted. Most men also need professional help to stop. It's good you're willing to go to counseling. You can go without him as counseling doesn't need both partners to be beneficial. Ultimately, however, he has to want the help to be able to stop. -Kurt
Yes, porn completely distorts and damages marriages and relationships! Thank you Kurt for your website and for offering women like us help and information.
My husband used to watch lots of porn while he was single, but decided to quit once we got married. We're both Christians and so we decided to build our marriage porn-free. We're married three years now and have a beautiful daughter. Then just recently I discovered that he started watching porn again in his phone. When asked, he said it was because I was always tired and we didn't have enough sex. He also said that my past is hard to forget and that sometimes drives him to "take revenge" on me. I don't understand why he couldn't tell me that he really needed to release, or why he can't move on from my past. It's killing our marriage, the Police are involved because we often fight over my past, and we both need help!
Lucille, I'm glad you find the blog helpful. A professional counselor could help you both figure out what the underlying causes are, but if by "revenge" you mean he is hurting you, that's not ok. Do an online search for a local women’s shelter. You can also call the national hotline at 800-799-7233 for help 24/7. Be smart and remove yourself from any dangerous situations. -Kurt
Thank you for your reply Kurt. Concerning the part about "revenge", he usually gets hurt about who I was involved with in my past, and that's what's probably the underlying issue about many of our arguments... As well as the recent case where porn was involved. He actually asked me why I was being so judgmental about him using porn when my past was worse than his. But about the violent parts, it's usually me who gets more violent than him. It's just the porn part that I'm concerned about because I feel as though one day he could actually cheat on me. We're in our early 30s and are still journeying as a couple, but I fear that if we have more kids I'll get more tired and if he can't handle his sexual appetite now, it just might repeat itself in the future. I've tried trusting him as a fellow Christian but this has happened, and it really hurt me. It's just that I know how much porn he used to keep before we got married and I just can't help wondering if he has really dealt with that at all, since it's coming up again now...after 3years of marriage. Maybe it's my fault too for being tired, but he didn't exactly make it sound that urgent. Anyways, he's said sorry and we've tried to make up, and he said he won't do it again. So we'll see how things go.
My husband and I almost got divorced over this. He was looking at porn on his tablet while sitting less than 10 feet from me. I never knew it. He seemed obsessed with it. I thought we had dealt with it. I thought we had a stronger relationship. It's been a few years and I thought we were in a good place. Now I've discovered that he is doing almost the same thing. He looks at humor sites on Facebook that show close to naked women with talk about camel toes, hot girls, big boobs, etc. It's degrading and objectifying. Although it's not as bad, I feel I deserve more than this from the man who says he loves me.
Wow, there are so many close minded women/men out there. I am open to my gf about my desire to watch porn- she is a lot like you women that are so insecure with yourself that this bothers you. I am about to break it off with her due to this close mindedness. I don't care if my significant other looks at porn and masturbate and I told her this- her response made me think she is crazy: she only masturbates to naked pictures of me. This makes me think that she has unhealthy behavior and I would be willing to bet a lot of women are the same.
Here's the truth to things- when I look at porn it's nothing more than an act, I am with the person I am with because there is an emotional connection. Simple as that.
Word to the wise, men, if you really need to then browse the Internet for porn then make sure you browse incognito mode so history cannot be traced.
I think the problem is when the female mate "puts out", dresses hot, but her man can no longer get turned on because his brain is now wired for pixel stimulation. If you can separate , just as I guess you can and make love to her while emotionally and mentally be with her and she is accepting to this...then fine.
basically, I read that there are some men so addicted ,even young men to porn that they are not getting hard or staying hard when it's the real thing...even if she is pretty and hot...I think that is the problem