Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
Part 1 of 2
I counsel many people who are in an emotionally abusive relationship and don’t see the signs. It’s not just women who are in this situation though. You might be surprised to know that men can be victims too.
When it comes to emotional abuse in relationships, both men and women can be the perpetrators as well as the victims. This is one of the factors that can make seeing the signs of an emotional abuse so difficult since it can manifest in many different ways.
Signs of emotionally abusive relationships aren’t just difficult for outsiders to see, though, as they can be very subtle and difficult to recognize even for the person suffering. Most often these relationships start off in a fairly normal manner, but over time things change. Actually, in most cases abusive behavior is there from the start. It's just milder and masked by the feelings of being in love.
Many abusers are skilled manipulators or narcissists and have their partners (victims) convinced that the abusive behavior is actually love, for their own good, or even their fault. Of course, these things aren’t true, but a victim who’s been conditioned to think and feel otherwise can be difficult to convince.
Emotional abuse is one of the top reasons husbands and wives feel trapped. To illustrate this I’ve included excerpts below from the article Expert Advice on Surviving Abuse written by Steven Stosny, Ph.D. who appeared on The Oprah Winfrey Show. These excerpts depict some of the key signs you may see if you're in an emotionally abusive relationship. See if you can see yourself, or someone you know, in these descriptions
Verbal, emotional, mental and psychological abuse can be very sneaky and hard to spot, especially if you're the victim of the abuse. So, glance over the above descriptions again -- can you see yourself, or someone you know, in these descriptions?
Emotional abuse can be hard to combat because it can be tough to define. As mentioned above, many victims mistake abuse for love or something they’ve brought on themselves. Knowing the signs of an emotionally abusive relationship can help you identify the truth, but once you have then what do you do?
The answer to this question is complex. There is no one-size-fits-all solution to handling emotional abuse since there are so many factors to consider in each situation. There are, however, some steps you should consider taking once you’ve determined you’re in a situation that needs to change.
Of course, these things are not always easy to do. If you have seen the signs of emotional abuse in your relationship and they’ve been happening for a long time it can be very hard to initiate the necessary changes. And once you do sticking to these changes can be even harder. There is hope, however. Just don’t be afraid to ask for help when you need it.
This is the first article of two examining emotional abuse. In the next article, How An Emotionally Abusive Relationship Traps You, we'll look at the effects on the victim of abuse. Sign-up for our blog at the bottom of this page and be sure you don't miss the next article.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published March 13, 2010 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
Want to know what Abusive Women are really like? Take a look at 7 behaviors used by Women who are Abusive. Read quotes from Women who Abuse and partners.
No one gets into a relationship expecting to be controlled by their partner.
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I've been married for 11 years to someone who frequently puts me down and yells at me in front of our kids. I'm constantly second-guessing my decisions and keeping silent now to avoid his anger. In the beginning I used to just cry when he'd tell me I didn't deserve him and now I fight back. I don't like who I'm becoming and I don't like the kids witnessing this behavior - often made worse by my husband's binge drinking. Yet when I try to talk to him about changing or me leaving, he blames me and tells me that I caused all of this. Or, when he's going for the "honeymoon period" he's all gushy about how amazing I am. I know longer believe him or trust him during these times. I no longer believe that he's truly done with alcohol or tobacco. I no longer believe that "this" will not happen again. I no longer want to be married to someone who ever felt those horrible things about me - regardless of whether it was said while in a rage or drunk and "didn't really mean it". But then he cries, and begs and pleads for me to "think of the kids" and reconsider. He somehow still manages to blame me while promising, for the millionth time, to change. He seems to have my number regarding what will make me feel the most guilty and convinces me that I won't find someone else, that life will be miserable without him, that the kids will be destroyed. I think we'd ALL be better off apart - including my husband. We just do not mix well. I just can't convince him of that... so we circle around, anger and calm, anger and calm. Day after day, year after year. And I don't know how to make a decision and go when I still feel bad (but not sure that I love) Dr. Jekyl. And can't stand (but feel sorry for) Mr. Hyde.
Jane, That is typical of an abusive relationship. Consider seeing a professional marriage counselor. Even if he won't go, you will learn tools to help you navigate the situation and how to make decisions on your own. Most often though, once one spouse comes in, the other wants to as well. -Kurt
I agree with Marshall. My wife is domineering and over bearing. She will fight about anything and will never back down. She opposes me, openly undermines me with our kids, is disagreeable while demanding that I always agree with her. She blames, shames, criticizes, ridicules, badgers, berates and belittles me. I have emotionally disengaged to protect myself from her. Does that make me an emotional abuser?
I agree that women can often be the abusers. My wife of 7 years has been a nightmare to live with since before we got married. I recognised this and needed more time to think but she insisted we get married. The problems continued and got worse. We now have 3 adorable kids and I feel completely trapped with her. She constsntly critisises everything i do and say which leads to huge arguements and violence. She has violently assaulted me and broken my nose twice while wrecking the house. Any minor disagreement turns nasty and she is incapable of controlling her rage. Her vile temper is something out of this world and sometimes i feel she is one step away from killing me. She does not seem to care who is in her surroundings. She refuses to seek any treatment for her anger but rather blames me for being like that. She gets so angry and spiteful she will not subside in the least way even in front of people or the kids. I feel so sorry for them when they witness her anger and aggression. She will often take it out on them also but outside she can appear completely different to people. She discusses me with what few friends she has always in a negetive manner and frequently threatens to leave and take the kids. I have considered seeking help from the authorities but i know my kids will be taken and i would never forgive myself. They are my world. I can see that she suffers from anxiety and is sometimes depressed. i an self employed and have achieved well but she has never supported me in any way. If i express a point of view she will critisise it and argue. Any minor dispute will either escalate to violence and assault or result in silent treatment for weeks and end on her terms. My kids are old enough to sense whats going on and i feel so bad for them. i reassure them everything will be ok but i know its not. She seems incapable of focusing on any disputed topic and coming to an agreement. Instead she backfires with personal insults and vile name calling which in turn angers me. this is always where it turns nasty. On occassions she has secretly recorded my reactions and regularly threatens to use it against me. Personally I find this part of it disgusting and shameful but i feel trapped and dont have any idea what to do without the kids being the victims.I have been kicked, punched, headbutted and spat on because I am now standing up for myself and my kids. My latest injury occurred after i told her that she is not a fit mother to express anger and rage in front of the kids. She then turned on me with the full force of her vile rage. Somebody please advise im desperate and down and out.
Paul, It is clear that you love your children. That being the case you need to do what is best for them first and foremost. It sounds as though your relationship is an abusive one that has become dangerous. This is extremely damaging for the kids and threatens their physical and emotional safety. What they see now is what they will consider normal as they grow. With anger that volatile and violent there is a serious concern for their well being. My recommendation is that you and your wife both seek help from a qualified counselor and your support network. You can also reach out to the domestic abuse hotline at 1--800-799-7233 or local resources for assistance. Please be safe. -Dr. Kurt