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Contents
Part 2 of 3
It’s no secret that depression is a difficult and sometimes dangerous condition. It takes a toll on the individual suffering and their relationships. If you’re married and think your husband is depressed it can even put your marriage in jeopardy.
In the first article, How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore, I introduced you to a couple, Carrie and Al, who are dealing with several issues threatening their relationship.
Let's continue looking at Carrie's description of her marriage. With the problems they’re facing she's now wondering, "Is my husband is depressed?"
Carrie's husband is unpredictable. His,
all seem odd and hard to gauge.
Carrie says she walks around on eggshells because of it.
But could this really be a sign her husband is depressed?
The list of symptoms for depression can vary, but for men
are primary on the list.
So, the idea that Carrie’s husband could be depressed isn’t a reach.
As we talked she said that to try to keep the peace, she often has to tell their 6- and 10-year-old kids to,
Let Daddy have a pleasant evening."
Despite her peace keeping efforts, she says his anger is becoming more regular.
At Christmas dinner, in front of the whole family, he screamed across the room at her,
If you want to stay married to me you'll never do that again!"
She cried in her hands as she recited to me in counseling the numerous ways he degrades her and hurts her with his words.
At other times, Al tells her he doesn't deserve her and says he knows his anger will lead to the end of their marriage.
She often wonders if he's given up, if he's having an affair, or what his Facebook page may contain.
She tried to kiss him last week and he turned away saying,
Don't pressure me."
he told her.
I hate my life. I hate myself."
After telling me this, she said to me,
I think my husband is depressed. What do you think?"
Carrie’s right to be concerned about depression in Al. She’s also taken a positive step by seeking help.
The depression in her husband isn’t something she can effectively deal with on her own, and he’s not in a position to recognize what’s going on and deal with it himself.
Carrie and I talked more about what depression can look like in men. I told her in men it often looks just like stress.
Some of the most common depression symptoms in men are,
These can look like his being grumpy, or her feeling like she's on an emotional roller coaster, much like the eggshells Carrie says she walks around on.
For some men depression may also manifest in a lack of ambition or energy.
He may be indifferent to everything, and simply allow his wife to make all the decisions. Or he might withdraw completely from all social or family interaction.
Based on everything Carrie’s told me, it wouldn't be surprising if her husband Al truly is depressed.
A lot of men are depressed and don’t realize it. With men in particular it can be hard to tell since the symptoms can vary quite a bit and be somewhat vague.
In fact, most men, when they get depressed, still function quite well in many areas of their lives, particularly professionally. This means the external symptoms can be misleading.
The signs are most often evident in their interpersonal interactions, particularly with loved ones.
One of the challenges with this is that the symptoms can come on gradually. By the time they’re evident to those around him they may just seem like a regular part of his normal behavior. It can be weeks or months before the people he’s closest to stop and realize there's something wrong.
Another problem with depression in men is that they (men) are very good at explaining away their behavior.
They often don’t even recognize themselves that their behavior has changed. It isn’t uncommon to hear a man suffering with depression to put his actions off on things like,
And there likely is some connection between his behavior and these things.
But with depression the response is often disproportionate to the problem and sometimes extreme in nature (remember Al’s “I hate my life and myself” comment?).
Carrie is clearly unhappy and struggling. Her marriage has become a source of significant of stress and difficulty.
As Carrie and I talked she kept crying. She just couldn't forget the feeling that "He doesn't love me" and kept questioning how that could be connected to his mood.
"How can I save my marriage?" she asked.
I suggested to her that he may still love her despite what his actions show. However, that love has been covered over and she just can't see it right now.
can all mask his love for her and make it difficult for him to show or even recognize it.
The good news is that with help those things can change and it's possible she could see him begin to love her again.
Everything Carrie’s described above are signs that Al very well could be depressed. But it's also likely that's not the only thing going on with him.
Clearly he has an anger management problem, possibly brought on by depression, and his behavior towards Carrie has become abusive.
But I wonder if those are only occurring because he's depressed or if they're signs of other problems?
For example, for many men depression goes hand-in-hand with a midlife crisis.
Carrie is far from the only wife asking, "Is my husband depressed?" Depression in men is more common than people realize and often goes undiscussed.
For some wives, however, all they have to deal with is a husband who's depressed.
For others like Carrie, she likely has a depressed husband, but she's also got an abusive husband and a man with a serious anger management problem.
If you can relate to Carrie and feel like your husband is suffering from depression, keep the following in mind:
Carrie and Al are actively seeking help and support. If you think your husband is depressed too, and you’re trying to save your marriage, follow Carrie’s example and get help.
In what ways can you relate to Carrie? Does your husband look something like hers?
This is the second post of three examining a marriage in which a wife feels her husband doesn't love her anymore and she seeks the expertise of a marriage counselor for help in finding out what she can do. You can read the first post, How to Save My Marriage - When My Husband Doesn't Love Me Anymore here. In the third and final post, I Can't Get My Husband To Change, we take a look at some things Carrie can do to change her husband and save her marriage.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published February 23, 2010, updated on August 30, 2014 and October 9, 2018, and has been updated again for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Does Your Husband Seem Angry And Depressed? Learn more about the connection between Anger And Depression In Men and how you can help your husband.
Is Your Wife Depressed? If you’ve been thinking, My Wife Is Depressed, and don’t know what to do, read how to help her and take care of yourself too.
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I have been with my husband for 7 years. We have been married for 4. We have always had the perfect relationship. About 2 weeks ago my husband started acting a little distant. But I never thought much of it until he told me he was going away for the weekend to think about what he wanted. He came back Sunday and was ok with me. But it has been a nightmare since then. He just keeps saying he wants time to see how he feels about us or me. He is being so out of character doing crazy things he has never done before. We wouldn't even go 5 meters away from each other without letting the other person know we are safe. He has been taking off, going for drives, not letting me know where he is. I have a touch of anxiety so that is just killing me. I love him with more than anything in the world.
I finally looked up signs of depression because his actions just aren't him. He does have a lot of the symptoms. I asked him to go to couples therapy in hopes that it helps us heal and maybe he can see a therapist for everything else.
I'm scared because I don't want this to be the end of something so amazing.
I don't know what to do. I'm afraid if I point out he may suffer from depression he will just walk out.
Please someone, anyone that can offer any words or advice. We don't have any kids.
My situation is very similar to most of the above. Married for 2 years, together for 10. The first year and half were amazing, we were so happy, at least I thought so. about 6 months ago, my husband got a promotion, we bought a house and he got gallstones, he became cold, distant and withdrawn. He stopped talking to me, wouldn't touch me and overall, felt like he just gave up. He told me he feels nothing, about anything. He moved out 2 months ago, bawling his eyes out while packing. He's staying with his parents, and they say he isnt any happier, he doesn't really talk to them and he is home every night after work....we tried counselling, but the counselor said no "red flags" went off...recently he told me he "didn't want to be married" " he didn't like being married" he is a different person, why wouldn't the counselor say it wasn't depression, when the signs are there? I am completely heartbroken and tried everything, but fear, this is the end.
Heartborken, He may need professional counseling to figure out what's the underlying reason for his unhappiness. See the articles in the Midlife Crisis section on the right of this page for some more ideas. -Kurt
I'm so sorry to hear. There might be something else going on. This mud life crisis thing is a myth that we all buy into. I wonder if he understands what the commitment of marriage is all about.....I wonder if his job is stressful and he's afraid of failure..... Or maybe there's someone else. .....
See if you can see a counselor that is faith based and marriage successful. His parents are enabling him in my opinion. Perhaps you can talk with his dad. Prayers to you
Thank you Kurt, is it still a midlife crisis if he is only 30??? Is it an immaturity thing? A dr. once told him he could be going through an early midlife crisis...but to me and his family he seems angry and lost. The need to pull away from his old life, he has distanced himself from me, his friends and activities he used to enjoy...and replaced them with new friends, that don't know much about him, he is not one to open up, how do we know if its depression or if he has just grown into a different person, he is still so young...
i understand your feelings, i am so lost my husband is 36 and i think he is going thru a midlife crisis, he shuts us all out and hang on the street with his drug dealing friends. He says he feel like he is selling drugs again but dont have to because he has a job. He makes sure were ok at home and i ask him do he think of me when he is gone and he says he has no choice..I just dont know what to make of this..
It sounds like issues with intimacy. option." Many couples have difficulty getting to the deeper levels of intimacy where they share their deepest secrets,fears,flaws,etc. When they argue, they fight unfairly and toss in a few faults to make big wounds. You can take the lead on helping your marriage but not as a project. also, studies show that happy blissful couples argue just as much as unhappy couples. Your husband may be depressed and he may have a fear of intimacy. Sending good wishes and prayers your way
My husband and I have been married for 10 years and together for 15, we were both young when we got married and somehow i never thought we would be in this situation. However we have found ourselves much like everyone else lost. We both have had infidelity issues in the past and from my point of view we forgave each other, however we always seem to bring up the past. this last year was hard he left me a year ago and started a relationship with another woman i didnt find out about it until 2 weeks into it ending and it lasted for nearly 9months. I was devestated however we over came that and int he mist of that the mistress had him locked up on false charges, we was taken away from us for an entire month and it took 9months to prove to the courts that he was innocent, in those 9 months she took both of us back and forth to court and basically mad things hard for us. we would aregue and she would come up and the situation was like a elephant in the room. as of a month ago he started saying we are out growing each other, however i dont understand how when we are the same. He has since started hanging out with his old friends, gambling smokeing and acting as if he was 19 again. He never come home only to change clothes and dont want to talk about anything he says he dont know whats going on with him. I asked him do he think i deserve to go off and send time with my husband and he says he don't even deserve me. Im so lost don't know what to make of this I know its not another female its just they he is struggling with many things.. PLEASE PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME UNDERSTAND THIS
Reka, I have seen couples recover from infidelity but it takes a lot of work on both partners parts, and almost always with a professional counselor because it's so difficult. You might also find some of the articles in the Midlife Crisis section on the right of this page helpful. -Kurt
Yea u right i understand...im soo confused right now myhusband dont think hes doing anything wrong, he think everything is ok about how he acting..i have recently found out that he has started dealing with the woman who he dealt with before, however he is so called assuring me that things are not as they appear..he saying its get back for the things that she have done...this has me broken hearted and hurt...he have not completly moved out yet..so its hard
I am finding myself deeper and deeper in this nightmare im living and dont know how to get out im scared and hurt all at the same time, i cant stop my mind from thinking about what me husbandv is doing ans what hes thinking, i found out thaf he has started seeing the very young lady who has made our lige a living hell, he says its nit what i think, hes going to get her back for everything that has been done to us, he says he is not in love with her its just a game, however i dont understand how you can be comfortable with a person who has hurt your family and caused severe hurt and pain..he tells me to live my life and soon ill see, he constantly say he kniws what he is doing and he know that its hard he knows is hurting me yet he continues its like he nit even in control of his own mind, he doesn't come home yet he hasnt moved out .i try to find different examples of my situation but im finding that im the only one dealing with this..
Reka
You can't fix this on your own. Find a good marriage successful counselor. I'd suggest a faith based counselor. They have the best approach to marriage counseling that I've seen. Go even if you go without him.
One more thing, maybe your husband forgot that love isn't a feeling. Love is service and sacrifice. If he wants to stay away from drugs, he needs a new set of friends. Successful people hang with successful people.