Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
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We all have a past. Some people’s pasts are more colorful than others, and some are darker.
We may want to forget about our past, but that’s not always possible, nor is it always healthy, and it’s certainly not honest. Even if your past is something that’s difficult for your current partner to get over.
Most of us usually have a couple of things in our past that might make our current partner a little uncomfortable. And for some, accepting their partner’s past can be challenging. But in most cases it doesn’t need to be a deal-breaker for the relationship.
However, that doesn’t mean it’s always easy to get over.
In fact, for some, feeling they just can’t get over their partner’s past can cause significant problems within the relationship.
At Guy Stuff we counsel couples facing many different types of challenges. One of the most difficult, however, can be dealing with the romantic details of a partner’s past.
Below you’ll see a question from Lauren whose boyfriend is struggling with her sexual history.
My response to her follows.
Reader Question:
I made a big mistake and had sex before I was married. I have now met the man I want to marry. . . .but he can't get over my past. We have been together for a year and a half and are still struggling with it. Is there anything we can do?" -Lauren G.
Lauren’s situation isn’t unique. Although it goes both ways, it’s usually men who struggle with their girlfriend or wife’s sexual past more than the reverse. The idea of the person they love being intimate with someone else can be very uncomfortable and even threatening for some men. It can be overcome, however.
My Answer:
A lot of times things aren't what they seem and this may be such a case. It's hard for me to say precisely, but I suspect that there's more to this and that it may not really be about your having had sex before him or marriage.
It's not that uncommon for men to have a tough time getting over things from the past. A guy wrote me a couple of weeks ago and said,
I love my girlfriend. I want to find a way to stop thinking about her past boyfriends."
I hear something like this pretty regularly from guys.
Here are some of the things that could be driving his inability to let this go:
or it could be a way for him to have power and control in the relationship.
Sometimes these things are subconscious and he may not even be intending to do them. There also may be a dynamic in the way your relationship functions that brings this out as well.
If the reason this is a problem for the both of you isn't fixed before you get married it will most likely only get worse and expand into real troubles in your marriage.
You should ask him to speak with a professional counselor who works with men. An expert in men and their relationships can help him drill down to what's really going on and give you both the tools to fix it.
He's probably a great guy, so don't lose what could be a great future for both of you because you guys didn't fix this.
A partner’s romantic past can be uncomfortable to hear about for sure.
Neither partner really needs to know all the specific details of what went on within past relationships unless it’s somehow pertinent to the current one.
By that I mean if one partner was in an abusive relationship or suffered in other ways that can impact the current romance. Be careful here though – it’s easy to allow curiosity to turn into learning too much information. And if it’s a painful past it's easy to push too hard and force your partner to relive difficult circumstances unnecessarily.
There are good reasons to be thankful that your partner has a romantic past. If you and your mate have a good relationship, then these past experiences are part of the reason.
Past relationships help us learn,
And we learn about ourselves as we age through these relationships. Romantic relationships play a big part in our learning and growing as partners.
Although there can be complications that come from past romantic relationships, they still help people grow and mature in ways that make them a better partner when it comes to marriage or a long-term relationship.
These relationships can provide insight for what works and doesn’t when it comes to,
All of which are extremely useful lessons when it comes to keeping a long-term relationship strong and healthy.
Of course, there are some of us who don’t learn and repeat the same mistakes time and again. That, however, is a different problem.
It’s not always comfortable knowing your partner has a past. So, if you’re someone who’s having a difficult time dealing with your partner’s past you’re not alone.
Keeping the following things in mind can help, however.
The bottom line is that your partner’s past doesn’t have to be a stumbling block and is actually part of what has made them the person you love now.
So, if you’re stuck worrying about your partner’s past, stop and think about what it is that’s really bothering you and why. Or, if your partner is telling you he, “Can’t get over your past,” ask him to do the same.
If you can't figure it out, or don't know what to do next, then get the help of an experienced counselor to give you more insight.
Do you have a question you'd like to Ask a Marriage Counselor ? Click here to submit it and I'll answer it in an upcoming post. Be sure to subscribe on the bottom of the page so you'll get my answer.
Editor’s note: This post was originally published January 14, 2010, updated on June 23, 2020 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Overthinking in a relationship is a problem, but it’s not unbeatable. Use the tips below, to stop spiraling through the cycle of overthinking in your relationship.
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“He's probably a great guy. So don't lose what could be a great future for both of you because you didn't fix this.” Just bad wording with the “you didn’t fix this”...hopefully you meant you both or you guys. Because the responsibility is on him too.
Jessica, You're right and I did mean 'you guys' but didn't use those words. It always involves both partners, but sometimes more effort is needed by one more than the other. This would be such a case. I'll edit and correct my wording. Thanks for pointing this error out! -Dr. Kurt
Hello, I am having a problem with my husband and my past. We have been married since 07/2021, but ALL of a sudden my past has become his focal point. After seeing a picture of a guy and I on vacation from 4 years ago, or seeing a past boyfriend propose from 10 yrs ago. It's dredging up some bad memories about at least one of them. Why is he doing this now? and why is he so focused on this?
Khandi, Unfortunately, I can't answer those questions about your husband without talking to him. But I can tell you I've seen this happen quite a bit. I strongly urge not to ignore this. You guys are really early in your marriage and so addressing this now so it doesn't fester and grow is crucial to your future success and happiness. -Dr. Kurt
I’ve been married for 33 years ,me and my husband went to school together and went out with one another from 11 we are now 57 .when I was 18 I dated a guy for 3 months after break up and we had a relationship but ended it to go back to my now husband. We have been happily married for 25 years when my parents died and clearing out the house we came across old films my husband became obsessed seeing me with someone else. He had a breakdown had numerous counselling and anti depression tablets we have fought for 8 years it’s been hard split our family up . He said he wants to leave is there anything further I could try or do you think this is the end struggling to believe something from so long ago has effectively ruined our marriage.
Susan, I've made a series of videos about how to Get The love Back. It's for partners in your shoes. The link to more details is at the top of this page. Three of the videos I made specifically for men like your husband. Please check it out. The communication exercises will give him a voice and help you talk about what's happening. -Dr. Kurt
I got back with a true love after breaking up for 2 years prior to this we had a great relationship that ended unexpectedly when we broke up I did something that I’m not proud of and he can’t move past this to have a relationship with me this is who I want to be with and he feels the same but can’t be with me because of this situation
I want to see a see to this lady
Early on before my husband and I were married, he shared EVERYTHING with me about his past. Strip clubs, porn viewing, telling me about getting hard while getting a massage, taking pics of women (without their consent) and showing me, talking to me about cart girls on the golf course, pics of strippers at clubs, sleeping with two women at a previous job. And the list goes on and on. I begged him not to share these things with me. I am in intense counselling to understand myself and this relationship as some of his behaviours which have occurred in front of me have taken me right back to his past (“retroactive jealousy”?) He takes no accountability for the damage this has done to us and basically has told me to “move on”, that he doesn’t do this stuff anymore. I don’t know what to do. When I am “triggered” by some behaviour of his (and it could be somewhat innocuous or not), I immediately think about his past and dredge it up. I have also gently tried to speak to him about something that triggered me and he reacts with anger and the silent treatment. I have been searching and searching for someone who has experienced this and haven’t read one single post anywhere. I feel like I am losing my mind esp. now that he is implying that I am a control freak? (I have drawn one red line: no strip clubs). I don’t know whether our relationship is simply doomed as I do not trust him and am often hyper vigilant when we go out. We have both agreed to couples counselling but I don’t know whether he and I can ever overcome this and the trust issues that have become part of our lives.