Got a stubborn husband?I know what that’s like. I work with them every day (I used to be one).
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Contents
A wife who’s married to an angry man is acutely aware of it. Often, however, she’s reluctant to admit it.
Angry, aggressive behavior by a partner is usually kept secret because it’s embarrassing, shameful, and generally occurs when others aren't around.
Being married to a man with anger issues takes a big toll on a wife, their family, and the angry man in question. Fortunately, there are options that can help each of them.
So, what is it like to be married to an angry man?
Let's take a look.
This story of one wife's experience with her husband's anger is on the mark. The following excerpts are from With This Rage, I Thee Wed, by Kim Barnes (The Oprah Magazine, October 2009).
Given that no person and no marriage is perfect, if you could pick your mate's flaw -- the one flaw you could live with -- what would it be? Nothing so slight as socks on the floor or a residual jones for Pac-Man. I mean the things we keep hidden from even our closest confidants, the things that can prove fatal to a marriage: lust, gluttony, greed, sloth, envy, wrath, and pride.
"I want a husband like yours," she told me... To Lacey, it seemed a storybook romance. What she didn't know was how close I had come to leaving the marriage she idealized. I'd never told her the flaw I'd chosen -- that Bob was a wrathful man.
And soon after we moved in together, I got my first glimpse of his rage... The lawn sprinkler that failed to oscillate? Bob beat it into the ground, gaskets flying. The chain saw that wouldn't run, he pitched against a tree until it snapped into pieces.
But one afternoon the summer we married, Bob and I were driving back from the store when we found ourselves behind an elderly woman at a traffic light. She hesitated, not sure if she wanted to turn left or right. Bob grimly rode her bumper. "Get off the road, you old bag!" As we roared by, he flipped her off;> on her face was a mix of befuddlement and fear... I sat stunned. Outraged. Speechless. Silently fuming.
Over the next year, Bob's outbursts became more frequent, until one morning, in the middle of an argument whose subject neither of us remembers, he picked up the wooden table at which we were eating breakfast and brought it down so hard it shattered. I backed to the wall. Mouth twisted, Bob grabbed my arms. "Why are you making me do this?" he said through clenched teeth. I shook my head, unable to make sense of the question, afraid to attempt an answer.
Does any of this sound familiar?
If you're married to an angry man some of these words and sentiments likely sound familiar.
These are common descriptions of men who have a hard time controlling their anger. I regularly hear descriptions of:
I also often hear that these behaviors seem focused on one person in particular – the wife of the angry man.
Sadly, anger and abusive behavior often go hand-in-hand.
Anger can quickly rise to the level of abuse if it goes unchecked. Verbal abuse and emotional abuse are most common, but mental and even physical abuse are a risk as well.
Probably one of the most damaging things about the man above, Bob, is the blame he places on his wife, Kim, for his bad behavior.
Why are you making me do this?"
This is a common rationalization in abusive anger and other forms of abuse.
Blaming others is part of the mind games people play to avoid responsibility and uncomfortable feelings, like guilt and shame.
Surely I had enough objectivity, enough perspective, to know that busting out a window with your bare knuckles -- or kicking a hole in a wall, or denting the car hood with your fist -- wasn't standard behavior. And I was beginning to fear that he might turn his rage on me.
Waiting in line at a McDonald's drive-through made Bob furious. His rage was like a sudden squall -- I spent my energy keeping his anger from swamping us all.
Torn between self-doubt and shame, I kept on keeping my secret, though I still longed for someone to tell me: How would I know when it had gone too far?
The answer came one day as Bob and I were driving down the highway to the hardware store. I was fretting, imagining the minor mishap that would turn our little jaunt into hell on wheels (a flat tire, someone's badly parked car, an inept clerk), and wondering aloud if I should have just stayed home. I had become that little old woman at the light, unsure of which way to turn.
Back home, I gave him an ultimatum: See a counselor, or our marriage was over... And maybe this is the difference between a flaw and a fatal flaw. Even though it meant exposing his failures, Bob chose to keep our marriage alive. We made appointments separately and together.
I've come to realize that you never know the secrets of someone else's marriage -- but that when it comes to your own, it's better to break the silence before the silence breaks you. I couldn't hear the truth until I gave it voice, and neither could Bob. By reaching out for help, we chose to leave the isolated island of shame and blame and hitch ourselves to something truer than a perfect marriage: a union defined by our desire to grow beyond our flaws... Today Bob's rages are a thing of the past.
When Lacey turned the tables on me, "What flaw would you choose?", I didn't give it a second thought... "Anything but wrath." And then I told her why. What I saw in her face was disappointment and relief: My marriage wasn't so perfect after all, yet somehow it had survived. Could she, should she allow her soon-to-be ex a chance to redeem himself?
As Kim's story shows, being married to an angry man is really, really hard.
Yes, angry men can change, and they need to.
An angry man will damage or even destroy his relationships, lose friendships, and harm his health if he doesn’t.
Change is crucial – just ask Bob.
Unfortunately, it's very easy to pretend the anger is,
But it inevitably does, again and again.
Most angry men have become so accustomed to anger that they assume it’s just part of their personality. And they may have also grown up in an environment where anger was just a normal part of communicating.
All of these factors can make them blind to seeing that their angry responses aren’t normal or reasonable, which makes getting them to see it as a problem that needs to change really tough.
Real change for anger issues almost always requires assistance. Assistance can take many forms. For instance –
I've worked with a lot wives who can vividly relate to these experiences.
If you could be an angry man with an anger management problem, I hope you'll follow Bob's example and get some counseling help through anger management classes.
If you're a wife like Kim, married to an angry man, do what she did:
Can you relate to any parts of this story? Married to an Angry Man? Please share your experience with others in a comment below.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 19, 2009, updated on October 25, 2017, April 19, 2022, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Rebecca: I'm now 19 years into this marriage that is 75% good/ok, and 25% awful. All due to my husband's anger. If I were in your shoes, I would move heaven and earth to get my kids away from him. At least I no longer take him around any of my family, so I don't have to be humiliated in front of them. I'm actually dreading retiring, but I do want to retire at some point. I turn 60 on Friday. woo hoo. As usual, he will not get me a card, or gift, or anything, but say Happy Birthday and expect me to be overjoyed that he remembered. Take one positive step and go to the office that administers public assistance in your state. Find out how much per month you would qualify for, and find out about public housing and food stamps. Preferably in another city! I wish I had run out 18 years ago.
Hello I have been married almost 11 years my husband suffers from cluster headaches which I barely understood when we got married and he was recently diagnosed with OCD which I just learned about 4 years ago as he admitted he was hiding it from me for years until he couldn't anymore. He has been rageful in the past almost hitting me but rather shoving me once. But he has awful road rage and has threatened our lives and others on occasional traveling on road trips. In town he mostly freaks out at people and tries to yell at them in the street. He breaks things throws things punches holes in walls pretty regularly these days. We're in counseling but he gets mad at me and throws what I say in counseling back at my face. Everything's always about him. Today my motorcycle was stolen from our condo parking space and I wanted to go looking for it while waiting for the cops. He wanted me to stay home and wait so he insisted on going out. When he came home mad at me because I made him go out. Yelling and screaming in my face. Like it's not enough my transpostartion was just stolen and now I have to ride around in his car and his temper and his road rage. I'm scared for my life to be in that car when he gets mad which can be tipped off at any point. My stress is so high I have auto immune disease high blood pressure and hyper tension. He doesn't work I support the boyh of us on a small business I am trying to run. When I don't make enough money he gets upset because he spends all our money on toys he collects. His disability barely covers just the rent not to mention therapy, prescriptions, his car, car insurance Bill's ect.... I'm losing over here. I'm a spiritual person but when I get back from church it starts all over again. He stopped attending church regularly as we moved and he has had a hard time making friends. And he wants me to move and start over my business to a place with no family or anyone because he cannot stand the people where we live. Should I move expecting it to be different? He was still pretty angry where we moved from but after living here it's been worse. I don't know how much longer I can do this.
Looking forward to conversing with you.
I have been dealing with his crap for years. Every where we have lived he humiliates me by yelling at me and I know the neighbors hear that he doesn't get sex enough or that I am a F#$K or Slop or stupid or whatever nasty thing he wants to say. He is stuck at about 5 years old from trauma his mom put him through and any slight to him in business or attention causes a temper tantrum. This past weekend he threw a fit that lasted 3 days. The neighbor had her sister come get her 3 year old daughter so she didn't have to hear it. I am so ashamed but at the same time IT IS NOT MY BEHAVIOR but still I hate others knowing that I endure this. Alcohol makes it worse and he sneaks tequila and then loses it and I get caught by surprise. I am tired and I am angry but mostly I am just ashamed. I am starting to save money and once I have enough I plan to piece by piece assemble a new life. I hope I can do this. Surely he will not stop. He refuses to ever admit he was wrong and sorry is a word he spits out but doesn't say with penitence. Peace to each of you who may read this. My spirit cries for you too.
I'm in a relationship with an older man, he was married once before. We're very serious, we discussed his previous relationship and our mutual doubts and fears before moving in together and making a commitment...what I'm saying is, we have a very open, honest, communicative relationship that I take pride in. But...the anger. He knocked over a hot coffee on his desk and pounded on it in rage. He shouts me down during fights, and he admitted to throwing things and breaking them back before he met me. (No- he never breaks things now.) It's been years, we are talking about marriage, but I have to talk to him about this. I grew up with an angry father...I'm not marrying one. I believe in him, but he WILL resist if I throw down an ultimatum, if I shine the light on the thing he regrets the most about himself. He's self aware...but what's the next step? How can I help him? How can I help us?
Olivia, I'm with an older man too. im scared I made a mistake. I thought he was different, special, patient and kind. I have no friends or family to turn to. I'm tired of being a victim. all I wanted was a beautiful family. he made it seem as if that's what he wanted too. I feel so trapped. I was working as a stripper and escort before. I refuse to go back to that life. he has helped me a lot but I don't feel free or happy with him anymore. I wish God would hear my cries and prayers. I've traded one hell for another. When will I have peace and love?