Is there No Intimacy In Your Marriage? Find out what you can do about Lack of Marriage Intimacy.
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In couples counseling, I frequently get asked questions about flirting.
And one of the most common places people flirt today is on social media. This problem is well illustrated by Angie whose husband flirts on Facebook constantly.
Take a look at Angie’s question about why her husband flirts on Facebook and what to do about it, and my then advice to her that follows.
Reader Question:
My husband has some problems with 'flirting'. About a year ago, I found a secret Facebook page and email address he was using to talk to other women. He promises he's never cheated, which I think I believe. We went to a few counseling appointments and seemed to have a handle on it. A couple of weeks ago I found a couple of text messages in his phone to 2 women making suggestive/flirtatious comments. We really do have a great marriage and he says he feels like he gets everything he needs from me. He can't figure out why he has this need to get validation from other women. It's leaving me confused and hurt that he doesn't know why. We have to figure out how to stop or I'm afraid it will lead to some bigger problems. What do we do?" -Angie D.
Angie isn’t alone in this problem.
Many people feel flirting on Facebook and other social media platforms, like Instagram or Snapchat, is harmless and has nothing to do with their happiness or commitment to their relationship.
Unfortunately, this is just not true, and Angie is right to be concerned that her husband’s behavior could lead to bigger issues.
My Answer:
This is a fairly common marriage problem now days, especially because of the popularity of social media sites like Facebook, Instagram, and Snapchat. I usually hear from at least one guy a week who's gotten himself into trouble with relationships that started online and then went too far.
You're right that one of the primary drives for this behavior is your husband's desire for validation.
But he's not alone.
We all seek validation – just in different ways.
You're also right that it can easily lead to bigger problems. The relationship connections being made on social media are now the largest source of affairs.
Here's what to do.
Your husband needs to go back to marriage counseling so he can have a professional help him discover why his need for validation is so strong that he risks his marriage to satisfy it. It would be good for you to go with him as well. Chances are that there are things the two of you will need to address together.
With the right help, he'll learn how he can put limits in place that will help him stop the flirting and find validation in healthier ways.
Lastly, you both need outside help examining the dishonesty that's occurred and repair the damage it's done.
One of the biggest problems with flirting on social media sites like Facebook is that it can be hard to recognize what’s really happening. Many partners don’t even realize their behavior has crossed a line and could be jeopardizing their relationship – until it does.
Flirting in person is easy to discern. And it’s often situational and short-lived. Of course, this doesn’t make it okay.
Flirting is disrespectful to your partner and a form of micro-cheating, but recognizing the behavior and why it’s inappropriate is typically fairly straightforward.
Digital flirtation, however, can be much more subtle and easier to explain away or justify. After all, it’s through a screen and so actually starting an affair isn’t likely, right?
Wrong.
The biggest risk from online flirting comes in the form of emotional affairs.
Building an emotional connection is often mistaken for friendship until it’s too late and boundaries have already been crossed. Social media makes this kind of relationship extremely easy to begin, hide, or justify as, "I’m just friendly,” or “there’s nothing to worry about” (until there is).
The 24/7 opportunity to reach out for connection to someone outside your relationship can be very tempting, as well as validating, as can be seen in the case of Angie’s husband.
Although sex and physical intimacy is an extremely important part of a healthy relationship, the bulk of what keeps a relationship going and two people together is the emotional connection and intimacy. Social media makes it very easy to break the commitment of having that with your partner, almost without realizing you’re doing it.
The best way to avoid problems with flirting on Facebook or any other social media is to “cut the cord” and ditch social media. And while there are a lot of people doing that, it’s not likely that social media is going anywhere.
So, consider the following guidelines:
These may seem like common-sense, but you’d be surprised at how quickly common-sense leaves people when attraction to the opposite sex sets in.
When it comes to your husband flirting on Facebook, remember that stepping over the line is very easy to do. There’s something about that screen in front of you that makes it feel harmless.
It’s not.
Remember,
So, if your husband is flirting on Facebook, or you are, don’t wait until things have gone too far to make a change. Consider Angie and her dilemma. Be smart and put a stop to it before you have bigger problems to contend with.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published November 12, 2009, updated on November 9, 2021, and has been updated again with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
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Angie, this is how I view it, and this goes for me too, some time we are cut up in our daily lives (always the same stuff) that we forget to compliment our partner, we think that is his responsability to come home and take care of all our problems or complains about our day or our childrens problems, that we forget to ask him first how was his day, we forget that he was our husband before than a father, so we forget to make them feel important and care, they like to be listen and admire and just with a simple compliment can make their day happier, they like to feel that they are important for us... I guess tha's why they need to look for validation outside when they are not getting it inside the home.
Off course, this is just my point of view!!
Lety - Good point. We often forget how much we all need compliments, particularly from our partner at the end of a long day. Another good point you make is that we're partners before parents. We all need to practice being partners in addition to being parents.
"I usually here from at least a guy a week who's gotten himself into trouble with relationships that started online and then went too far."
*hear
I looked at my husband's phone and saw a Facebook "chathead." He had been messaging an old flame with sweet flirts and emoticons, asking her "Do you still love me?" Should I let him know that I read his flirty messages? He has very good skills at covering his tracks, so I'm afraid he will continue flirting and find a way for me not to know. He seems very devoted to me, but is not romantic with me, and won't have sex with me. I'm hurt that he doesn't put forth that effort to flirt with me. God knows he's aware of my needs that he is not fulfilling.