Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
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Contents
Relationships are complicated, especially abusive ones. Although unhealthy, feelings of love, dependency and self-esteem are all wrapped up in the relationship too. For women living with emotionally abusive men it can be difficult to separate these and see what’s really going on.
Women can be abusive as well, particularly emotionally, but in this article we’re focusing on men. And while there is outward evidence with physical abuse, emotional abuse can be much harder to see. Especially for those living with emotionally abusive men every day.
Wondering what it’s like to live with emotionally abusive men? Let’s ask Emily.
In many ways Emily and Jason’s relationship looks picture perfect. In fact, she says that it’s better than any relationship she’s ever had.
But there’s a problem. Even though from the outside Jason looks like a great guy, Emily wonders if he’s really just another version of am emotional abuser like she’s dealt with before in previous relationships.
Jason has this habit of denying Emily’s experience of events. Recently they had a fight over going out with friends. Since then every time they talk about that night Jason insists that Emily is not remembering correctly what happened, specifically what he said and did nor, in his opinion, does she remember correctly what she said and did.
There is a name for this kind of behavior, it’s called gaslighting, and it’s a very cruel and sneaky form of emotional abuse.
Jason can be very persuasive and convincing too. He has the ability to describe events in such a way that make it look like he’s done everything possible to resolve a problem and is just the victim of another person’s wrong behavior – i.e. Emily. As a result, Emily frequently questions herself about her recall of the facts and if in fact Jason is really right and she is wrong (Tip – when you find yourself routinely thinking this way this can be a sign of a relationship with emotionally abusive men).
What makes this such a problem for their relationship is that this happens all the time, over big things and little things.
See the pattern? Abusive relationships have patterns like this. Additionally, it’s always Emily who considers that maybe she doesn’t remember things correctly and was in the wrong – never Jason.
One way to spot abusive men is that they don’t take responsibility for their actions. But they don’t believe they have to because in their mind they’re never wrong. Abusive men also don’t use self-reflection to evaluate their behavior like Emily does above. They blame instead.
Unfortunately, relationships with emotionally abusive men are difficult to see. Abusive men are extremely skilled at controlling the relationship in very subtle ways. In couples counseling Jason has refused to continue to talk to Emily because she wouldn’t accept HIS version of the truth, and has even ended the meeting to further make his point.
This has left Emily in a tough spot. She still loves Jason, but is now beginning to see now that his behavior is damaging and unhealthy.
Through couples counseling Emily has learned more about abusive relationships and realizes she’s in another one again. Now we’re working together to help her learn how to change it. If you’ve got an emotionally abusive man in your life, you should too.
Controlling behavior and gaslighting aren’t the only ways someone can be emotionally abusive. Below are a few other examples of behaviors that are common in men who are emotionally abusive:
If you, like Emily, feel like there may be something not quite right about your relationship, it’s time to listen to your instincts. Your emotional well-being, as well as the emotional health of your partner, need to be a priority.
Sometimes emotionally abusive men don’t realize what they’re doing. That doesn’t mean they get a pass - it means they need to change their behavior if they want to be in a relationship. But it’s up to you, like it was up to Emily, to set and hold that boundary.
Editor's Note: This post was originally published December 31, 2011 and has been updated with new information for accuracy and comprehensiveness.
Would you recognize Emotional Manipulation In Your Marriage? Check the signs of Emotional Manipulation In Marriage and how you can stop being manipulated.
Want to know what Abusive Women are really like? Take a look at 7 behaviors used by Women who are Abusive. Read quotes from Women who Abuse and partners.
No one gets into a relationship expecting to be controlled by their partner.
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Married 20 years 2 kids. One 22 has CP and adhd 18 yr old just graduated. 22 yr old can do no wrong. 18 yr old can't please hubby enough. Hubby thinks 18 yr old won't ever grow up is spoiled just plan bad. The 22 yr old in my opinion can do more then he is made to do. But hubby uses disability as excuse. 18 yr changed college plans but not good enough for hubby. What do I do. One is perfect the other hubby thinks isn't good enough. Help me I can't take it anymore
Shan, Since they're both adults getting them out of the house would be a good first step to help your husband to break the cord (if the 22 yo can be on his own). Getting your husband to meet with a counselor about how to help your kids would be another option so he can hear the message from a professional rather than you. -Kurt
I grew up with an emotionally abusive stepfather, who spread his misery all over my mother and her 3 children. I vowed that I would never be the woman, like my mother, to put up with someone who lives a life treating people as if they are trash and using the excuse that they had a hard life. I've been married for over 3 years now and I'm starting to feel like im becoming the exact woman I told myself I would never be. Holding on to a man with no real respect or love for me. I try to make myself believe that my situation is different, that our love for each other can withstand. After the past years I've slowly lost hope for everything I once wanted for us. Once we married he turned into a different man. He started working almost 60 hours a week and stretching more than a week without an off day. When you have two children together and you are also raising his two children from his previous marriage things became very tough for me when I worked myself, went to school full time and still was the only one who actually was home to raise our children and care for our home. I accepted this for a long time until his work conditions started taking a toll on him and he changed dramatically. Everyday was a bad day at work for him, so therefore everytime he was actually home he brought his bad day with him. Over time we got into many arguments that turned into fights. Since he was already so pissed from work he acted like a person I've never known before. He started calling me names anytime I brought up something I needed to talk about, scream, tell me that I drive him insane and one time even that he hated me. But always after he does and says the most hateful things he can think of he always says that hes sorry, and that he was just angry and that he doesn't always realize what he says when hes mad. I let this behavior slide for a long time. Until he lost that job, which I was happy and did everything I could to make our situation better. I got a full time job, leaving my part time to make more money, I had to stop taking classes for this new job, all to show him that life still goes on and we can be happy even though our situation has changed. I thought that after leaving such a stressful job his behavior might change. That he might act like the man I thought I knew. It seems to have only gotten worse. He never says a word when our fights bring me to tears, not even to console. He leaves me alone in the middle of arguments, leaving many unresolved because "I drive him crazy with my BS, always bitching and nagging. If I stay around you any longer im not going to be able to stop myself from going off on you. Youre bitching about nothing " When the only thing I bitch about is how he puts no effort into life or our marriage. That sitting on his phone for hours, or staring at the tv, or sitting at home every single day is no life. I say I want to have fun together like we used to and he comes back with "its not my fault we dont have fun, its yours. If youre not happy its your fault that youre not happy, you do it to yourself with all your complaining." But I dont think its to much to ask for to have a marriage where we want to spend time together and when one of us is upset we can talk about it like adults and resolve it. But I fear it will never happen. Im always wrong, he right. Im crazy, him sane. I dont know how to be happy, he does, but he's the one who takes no joy in our life together anymore. Hes even stooped as low as to call me stupid and clueless, bitch, heartless, loud mouth, spoiled, idiot, ungrateful, the list goes on, no matter how many times I've explained that you should never say that to someone you love. I just dont beleieve that he loves me anymore, but every time I bring it to his attention he flips it on me and says that I dont love him, that we have no problems, that the only one with a problem is me, hes happy. All he does is confuse and warp my brain. I say all the time "if I was unhappy and didnt love you I wouldnt be fighting so hard for the marriage to work" I know a healthy marriage, one that I've longed for isnt what I have. But I dont think I can give up, but I also dont know what Im holding on to. I grew up without a father and I dont want my children to do the same, but I also promised myself my children would not see me like I saw my mother and grow up to believe thats all life has to offer. I feel scared to leave, if I did I know I would still love him but I dont know what else to do anymore. Im to the poont of giving up.
This is so my husband. The problem is I refuse to accept it's all my fault. I will accept my share but not his. I found he has a new address, porn of another woman yet I am just the horrible wife! He manipulates many to his views. I just want this over. It's beyond fixing.